Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Hugs & WhaSux?
Welcome D---use this thread---you can get out all the stuff you don't share with anyone else in your life & we ALL GET IT!!!!! You will get thru this---it is so do-able & you will swing those kids in the air when you're done!
Renee---My OPEN & down to earth dh (who went to med school!) didn't touch me AFTER my c-sections (said seeing my intestines did something to him! LOL) They can love us too much sometimes!!!!! Maybe he is afraid to let himself feel that way again---I have always said I'd rather be the one WITH cancer than watch a loved one battle it....I think it is so hard for them......if he would like to speak to my dh he has talked to other dh's on the phone in the past---just pm me! BIG hugs to you--I have faith it will all work out in time.(It would PO me so bad a big fight would ensue & making up would proabaly mean SEX! LOL)
We found a prom dress on line--easy-peasy! No fighting or crying like other moms & dd's have done.....I will post pix when the big day arrives....it's the simple pleasures that are best!!!!!!
be well & stay strong
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Renee - I had the same prob with my dh. We've been married 25 years, too. He gave the same response your dh did - he was afraid of hurting me. Physically, not emotionally. We're slowly getting back into the swing of things, but my husband has said more than once that he's frustrated because this is one thing he can't fix. Cars, electronics, furniture, home repairs, etc., those he can fix...not me. He doesn't know what to do. Your dh probably feels the same way.
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Hi laides - you are not going to believe this - but this beatching really works. I woke up this morning and my arm was only about half as painful as it has been!!! I could hug the girls and they could hug me back (like not just on the one good side). So a huge thank you for letting me get it out! I too am reading with interest on the DH and love making. At the moment I am sleeping in the basement on a huge lounge, sort of propped up as the arm and boob still hurt if lying flat. So looking forward to going back to my bed and getting hugs off hubby - even if I have to keep prompting him
PS - being new to all of this - what does SOI stand for? cheers D
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Thank you ladies. He lost his dad after a long illness two years ago then went through breast cancer with is favorite sister (stage IIIc) and now me. I've decided I'm not going to push him right now for two reasons. One because our lives are just getting back to normal and he needs a break and two because I don't think I could take rejection right now. 18 LB weight gain doesn't help.
My normal MO doesn't seem to work, which is to sleep on the couch after a fight. He actually came down to get me and still rolled over and went to sleep. This is normally our "make up" and make out time as Navy and Saint suggested. This always works for me. For us.
Thanks to you all for your imput. It felt better just to express my feelings.
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Renee, I feel for you so much! My nipple bled the last time we had sex before my bilateral and we've only had sex once since! My husband blames his brain tumours, saying he's just not interested any more, but I need his attention even more now! Some days I really care, and others I give up. He is amazing in so many other ways, can I really let the sex go? The problem was, it was sooooo good for soooo long, it's hard to know it'll never be that way again. I'm like you, I've got Mojo, just need to know what to do with it now.....
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Hugs renee---it sux for sure, but give it time........
One thing I know is the vicious cycle of weight gain/feeling undesirable/more weight gain/etc----you get the picture. I suggest doing some really nice things for yourself when you feel like it. I usually found wearing new sexy undies made for a good day! I also found that when I retreated from him & became more independent (even secretive) it perked up his ears (& a few other parts! LOL)
It is a very important part of our relationships. I must confess that we have not had sex in over 2 years---fortunately Mother Nature smiled on us & we both "lost it" at the same time-mine from so much chemo & his from age & prostate........we had 30 years of "scream the paint off the ceiling" so I can't complain, just wonder what there is to replace it.........we tried ballroom dancing & it worked til I broke my femur..........IT SUX!!!!!!
IOS=incidence of suckage--the opposite: SOI=suckage occurrence inverted
hugs--be well & stay strong
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Hehehehehe Saint, you made me want to use up my Mojo painting my bedroom ceiling!
You're right, it's better to have had it and lost it than to never have had it at all. But it was sooooooooo good....!
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LOL--but I KNOW I had it better than most & for so many years!!
These days it seems easier to accept disappointment by appreciating what I HAD & what I still can enjoy! I have said for years: he may not be perfect. but he's perfect for me! I am still blessed!!!!
It WAS good. but I don't have any mojo left. so I don't ache for it--another blessing!
HUGS
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Girls, girls, girls, I directed my mojo into my art these last few years after my last break-up and while it ain't sex, I too have had more than my share of "scream the paint of the ceiling" fun (love that, Saint!!), so I have no regrets there. And since then I've managed to get into dozens of juried art shows and win awards, and hey, I've wanted to be an artist longer than almost anything else, so it's pretty darn satisfying. So, yes, channeling the energy into your creative side can really be wonderful. And ballroom dancing is pretty sexy, actually, and could get the old mutual mojo going again. Plus, it can burn up some calories. So, it's a win-win-win thing, I'd say.
Diagnostic mamm this Friday. Argh.
Barbe, how's the owie incision?
Dmayes, glad your arm is feeling better! I have always believed in the therapeutic power of venting. I have a button that says, "The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
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Owie still!
I have been ignoring my creative side since tests started. Now that the weather is better I have to get back into my photography. Thanks Kathi, that's the idea I needed!
Barbe takes the money shot and then, ooo, ooo, wait for it, wait for it.......OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Barbe, you go girl!
Oh, Saint, on the ballroom dancing? You're not really supposed to break your femur. That kinda does take the fun out of it, turns an SOI into an IOS.
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I need to moan and groan: Ok, I dealt with BC, I dealt with chemo, I dealt with the ooph, the hyst, I dealt with the med bills. I'm dealing with the stress and feeling like crap but now it's other crap. My simple home repair that became 2 full bath repairs is worse....Now we have to have a structural engineer in to figure out how to solve a house that doesn't have the proper floor joists!!. We're talking adding another $10-15,000 repair!!!!
My daughter's getting bullied at school and the attitude of her school is "you don't like it, then leave." ( of course that's after we've paid the tuition.)
Do I have a sign above me saying "kick here???" Can't I have 1 month with some good news??????
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All of you have opened up a night time of communication for me and my DH and I thank you for that.
Now that I'm feeling better, I use my TV time to follow BC.org. I've done this for the past few weeks in bed and he never looks at my laptop. Well last night he looked on and asked me what I was writing. I decided to let him read what I wrote and what all of you had to say.
He was comforted to know that he wasn't the only one. He asked me with tears rolling down his face to give him time and we cuddled for the first time in months. When I asked him to tell me what it was, he said, he was afraid I would turn him down. I know that's not it because I'm the aggressor right now.
I'll set the stage again...this is a man that looks for me across a room and makes me feel like I'm the only woman he will ever love.
I'm rambling now but here's my take on it....He no longer looks at me as his wife but as an injured wife he has to take care of.
Here's my analogy...Let's take a beloved, injured pet dog. He normally takes this dog every where he goes but then the dog gets hit by a car and has to live with a cast for several weeks. Later the cast comes off and the dog wants to play catch and be normal again but he has this limp that says he might hurt himself if he plays too hard. The owner then tries to lay low and keep the dog calm until he knows he's healthy again. Once the dog shows no signs of the illness the owner plays catch in the back yard again, but gingerly for a while.
The sad thing is the dog is so tired of lying around feeling bad and useless that he just needs the owner to love him and play catch like they did before and when the owner rejects him the dog feels like a big, fat, bald, tub of lard.
So how's that for an analogy?
Saint...I really thought he was going to take you up on the talk with your DH.
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Renne, I have a better analogy. There is a beautiful, vivacious women full of life and love. She gets stricken with a horrid disease, but after surgery and treatments, she is ready to return to the simple pleasures in life. To her dismay, her husband rejects her advances and ignores her need for intimacy. She is torn by the need for human touch and the deep strong love she has for her husband. They discuss the issue and her husband comes up with a lame excuse. She is even more confused.
Hope that's not too blunt, but remember, I'm in the same boat!
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My SOI, my 2 year diagnostic mammo on my "good" breast came out just fine. See that booby smashing machine in 6 months!!
Kathi, Good luck with yours!
Gentle Hugs to all!
Trish
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Hi all!! Big hugs for all!!!
My SOI....All my scans came back clear and good!! I got all of 1 day with that good news, then....
My IOS..doing my preop for my hysterectomy, the surgeon found some spots that look very suspicious to her and she biopsied them. She says ILC is sneaky and comes back in wierd ways!
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No way Kimberly! Has she confirmed ILC or are you still waiting for the results? You must be pretty pissed but at least you're going ahead with your surgery, right?
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I won't get results until Friday or Monday. I will still have all the girlis parts out!!!
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I won't get results until Friday or Monday. I will still have all the girlis parts out!!! This may just change how they take them out!
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This is strange: I can't find this thread among the threads in the "Moving Beyond Cancer" forum today. I can find it if I do a search for the title of the thread, but none of the more recent posts are shown.
I'm posting as an experiment, to see if my post shows up.
otter
[Never mind--it's there now.]
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Hi all,
Very tired tonight....so much so that I can't remember what SOI stands for; although, it's obviously good!!!! (((((Trish)))))
Can't remember what all I just read either...so where applicable....."that's sucks!"
I'm going through a "why couldn't I have kids" phase lately. It really sucks.
Everybody in FL is asking me "when are you coming back for your scans?" My answer "Dunno." That sucks.
Everything sucks. 'cept for all y'alls good stuff....that doesn't suck.
Hugs everybody,
Traci
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My suckiness has taken on such a strange turn, I'm not sure I believe it myself. In 2007, my husband had kidney cancer. It was stressful, but no biggie. Stage 0. Took 1/4 of his left kidney. Very slim chance of recovery....fast forward to 2008...I get breast cancer. Not so lucky, Stage 3. More stress...Now, my OB/GYN, who is also my 19 year old daughter's OB/GYN, called me today while she was in his office to go over some lab results. She has an elevated prolactin level and an elevated thyroid level, both of which point to a microadenoma - a tumor in her pituitary. He said that it wouldn't be cancerous, but it's just the sound of the word "tumor" that I don't want to hear anymore. NO ONE FAMILY SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS. I must have been something really bad in a previous life.
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Kimberly, that sucks! Let us know the results.
Renee, I teared up reading your post. I'm glad writing to us indirectly helped you two talk. Good luck!
Trish, thanks for the luck! After I saw my last patient today, so had no further obligations till tomorrow morning's diagnostic mamm, I kinda lost it a little. But I really just want to get it over with. Your good results are a good omen!
Jane, that is too much suckage for sure. Don't you wonder sometimes if you have a sign around your neck, saying "Dump More Suckage Here" when crap just keeps on happening?? I hope your daugher's condition is not going to be dangerous. Jeesh. Are you all healed up now, by the way?
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Thanks Barbe....I have to agree with you even though I'm trying to make excuses for him. I can't help but feel resentful. I don't think sex is too much to ask. The sex I got last night felt more like a courtesy F#@&. I'm trying to be understanding but it aint worken.
Lovin...Keep us posted and congratulations.
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(((HUGS))) and a that sux to everyone!
Renee - it just takes time...it's a very weird toll it takes...give him the benefit of the doubt...after 25 years, he deserves it as much as you do so give yourself one two...peaks and valleys and we don't all get to the same place at the same time kind of thing...
Traci - I know what you mean...kids are the only thing I ever wanted that I couldnt' have...seems to me that with all the idiots who do have them that shouldn't - that it's really not fair that people like us want them and don't have the abilty. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but sometimes it just gets me. ((hug))
Jane - you are so right...your family's had enough even if it means b9, you've had enough...
lefty, lovin, trish, otter, kathi, pinky (where r u?) and the two newer people who's names are escaping me now (why is it that chemo rots certain parts of our brains?) -----hugs and a that sux as needed!!!
My non-committal SOI/IOS...the lump I have they don't think is a fat necrosis-but they r not sure what it is so we're watching it til next month when i go back. I have mixed feelings about that but keep saying...she wasn't alarmed and if she was we'd be doing something now...so it's probably not a concern.
Happy Friday to all!!
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This is the only place I can say this:
With my husband not wanting/needing/caring about sex for the past 4-5 years, I used to "threaten" to get a boyfriend. He used to laugh and say "No, you love me too much." He once even told me to get a girlfriend! Anyway, I have a sick feeling that he's kind of relieved that I had the mastectomy as now I won't be sexually attractive to anyone. I know, I know, I am still me, and I look okay. I am 51 next month and he will be 59 and looks way older than me. Anyway, I just think he may feel that we've evened the playing field....
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Hi Girls, I've missed you and especially this thread. It's so nice to know I can rant here and get support for my little IOS. Lately, it's been a lot better. After a year of major back pain, they finally decided to take a look at my neck and discovered a badly herniated disk, surgery to remove and fuse neck bones together was Jan. 15. and I get a little more strength and fortitude every day.
I BECAME A GRANDMOTHER!!! What a wonderful way to end the 2 year mark. My lovely dd now has her own lovely dd. The rest of the world just goes away when I rock that tiny bundle of goodness. I almost wish they lived with me so I can hear and see the baby all the time.... THEN I realize that I DON'T HAVE TO. I get the GOOD times. Grandmothering is WAY BETTER than mothering. This is keeping my depressed head above water, even taking it away for moments at a time. I don't like to give her up to her mother. YAY!!! I know that all sounds conflicting, but Oh Well...
I made it thru the worst. I got a good mammo and followup this month. Turned 56, lost my job of 18 years, having used up all my leave time. I'm home alone most of the time and this is taking some getting used to. My dh has been much better about the time and affection, he had a hard time with all my ills, and he threw himself into the gym, lost 70 pounds and feels GREAT most of the time. My bc kitten is all grown up now. Guess it's time for me to do the same.
How does one go about finding themselves after bc, menopause and 2 years of crappy SUX medical issues, procedures, scars, exhaustion both mental and physical. After sixteen epidural injections in Lumbar spine, unbelieveable pain, lots of meds and no job?????????? Is there a book? a manual? A guide to starting life over? I'm creative and a terrific planner of events, but I can't seem to locate my creative gene and I want it. If it shows up will someone direct it home?
thanks, Connie
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Traci and Jane....Big Suxs for you. I am sorry that you all are feeling this and dealing with it.
You are all in my prayers this week.
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(((((Traci))))))--love ya, hon.
Sex issues--ya, I was worried, but we worked it out--and it's gonna come back.
I had my right prophy mast and bilateral DIEP recon on Wednesday, still in the hospital, I am very happy with the results. The most painful part is the abdomen and the breathing exercises and coughing--but I have perky cleavage!
Life is good.
Sorry for any suckage out there.
Love,
Sue
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Sue! Great to hear from you. You take it easy when you get home. You'll start to feel better and then over-do it...so don't. Remember, when you start to itch, it's healing!
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