Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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That sucks otter. I SO understand. My DH really didn't understand my stage 4 DX until he talked to my Onc. I was already almost through the grief part of the emotional scale and was ready to fight, and it just pole-axed him. He is getting better lately, but it almost unhinged me when he cried and said he couldn't bear to loose me. Tough stuff.
It sucks. I know.
Deb C
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Otter - don't be sorry. It was very well stated and in high probability the truth. Give your husband a big hug.
((Otter))
Me
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otter, don't be sorry. It is a sorry situation, but you're right. When I got my first dx for pure, int. grade DCIS - non multicentric (read very important point here...), I had a huge wide excision done because I asked to have a lot removed to be on the safe side - super duper margins followed by the 8 weeks rads. Been a good girl after too. Everyone said, "Now you're cured!" Yey! This I think makes everyone happy, but I never felt safe. None of those people who say you're cured experience this sucky shit in real time like we do. Moment by moment, each part of the whole ordeal.
I have often wished I could just check my body into the shop like a car repair, turn over the keys to the doc, and rent a body for the duration of the whatever I'm scheduled to do. Ha, instead there are....drugs to numb the brain so each and every detail is not blazened into the mind like cattle branding.
I remember talking to some guy who answered the phone at the ACS back then (10 years ago) and he said you don't mess around with this...it's Slash, Burn and Poison! Pretty graphic coaching from that ACS rep. My doc then had a fit I was talked to by an ACS rep that way! But it sure stuck in my mind what that guy said. Surgery is vital to ridding the body of cancer. I see and believe headway has been made to understand how to control the possibility of it popping up somewhere else or recurring. We do our best with what we are advised, using our minds to wrap around what our doctors and peers with bc all say. Early dx is best. Fighting hard is best. Frequent checkups are mandatory - I've had 3 breast cancers DCIS then 2 invasives - but caught early. I hope early enough. Yes, early bc after treatment kind of feels more like a chronic possibility rather than a chronic disease. If it is farther along, then it is like treating a chronic disease. Whatever the case, the diagnosis is a shock at first. It's a wham in the face. Then the treatments and then it's getting used to the treatments and getting used to the changes in the landscape on our chests. We acclimate ourselves to these changes because that's the only way other than jumping off a bridge and what would that accomplish?
I think one of the most nagging things, most anxiety provoking things about having bc occur in our bodies, is what it does to our minds. We feel uncertain and although others may placate themselves and see us walking about doing our thing, they can't see in our heads where we have this compartmentalized thought that makes us feel like it could happen again.....and then what? It's all the 'then what's?' going round and round that become what we each know each of us has in our minds. What if it comes back?...Then what?
Stage is important, yet all of us who've had it take the experience of bc around with us like the proverbial albatross. It may be invisible to others, but not forgotten by us.
I have been blessed to have caught this sucker 3 times early. It is possible to do that....then keep on keeping on. I have to say I'm feeling more mentally powerful now about this than I did 10 years ago. I understand you are right about the mop up that rads and chemo do. I really wish scientists had a better handle on how to ensure the treatments really do the mopping up thoroughly. That's where survivor comes in. You look at someone - learn their original dx - learn what tx they had, then see they are still up and running! That's good for us to see. Keeps the willpower on full blast. We are survivors of this sucker. With each rising and setting of the sun, we are survivors. We are cool. We are doing it. Then we can say we did it!! Checkmate!!
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If one more person asks me how long I have to do chemo my head is going to pop off! I don't KNOW....how about until it quits working and cancer kills me? Maybe I should just say that. I know these poor blissfully ignorant folks don't know what stage 4 mets is, but I am SO sick of trying to explain in a way that doesn't make THEM cry. Why is it my job to make this all OK for everyone else? Hell, I can't even make it OK for me most days. I have made 2 people cry and the day is only half over.....sheesh....I hate cancer.
Deb C
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Otter,
BIG hug for being so open and human. We're all struggling to get through today and sometimes we need to look our fears in the face and let it out.
My first round with Cancer, I did everything "right." Mastectomy, followed by DD AC, then DD Taxol. When I was diagnosed last week with a new primary, my world came crashing down. 369 days after my first diagnosis. 7 1/2 months after chemo ended. This is supposed to be the "good" Cancer. "Only" DCIS.
I am very aware of what can happen. I am tired of being the fluke and pretending to be the strong one, the brave one, the one who laughs her way through all this. I'm having my Mastectomy April 22 and I hope and pray that I'm done with all this crap. I'm tired, I'm scared, I hurt and I'm pissed as all H@LL that Cancer has filled my past year with so much crap! I'm saying a huge THAT SUCKS!
Linda
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Yeah, but you be kickin' it's ass DebC with the flaming hat!!
Just know your slam dunking now!!
Tell them you've got some ass to kick...
Naturally your people are going to be sad about this for you. Sounds like you have good folks around you and no wonder from what I've come to know about you here! You're cool.
DebC, you will be one of the one's who knocks this sucker back.
You will.
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You all here, I just got a dozen fresh donuts. Blackberry jam filled, chocolate glazed, strawberry jelly, chocolate cake, coconut crispy, and creme filled, vanilla cake with white icing and sprinkles.
I want you all to reach into the box and pull out whatever you want.
I want you all not to be sad. I want to give you donut joy.
Yes, cancer does suck. It does. The whole damn thing. I'm sorry.
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Mmmmmmm Jam filled please
Thanks! I'm better, I just needed to vent. It helps to get it out. Me and my recliner are doing just fine now.Deb C
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No, it was the truth.
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Gals,
I'm crying. Just this second got off the phone with my 31 yo daughter-in-law. She's got a 4 yo and 5 month-old baby. Her mom got b/c about six months before I did. Her g-mom died from it. Well, she was leaving the parking lot of the radiology center after her call-back mammo and U/S today. They found a mass near her chest wall. She's got to have a biopsy. She couldn't stop crying ... called me first.
I tried to calm her .. blah, blah, blah 80% are negative. I love her so much. I hung up the phone .. called MY mom and sobbed.
I hate f--king cancer!!
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Yeah, DebC, you do kick butt with the flaming hat. And hey, you make me cry AND laugh so bad I can't stop snorting in my work cubicle and people are looking at me funny. (Is this snorting some wierd side effect of bc, they wonder?) I'll take one of those soy/wheatgrass donuts HannaB! Wow, donut love!0
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Bin, so sorry about your daughter-in-law. This disease sucks. I am the only one in my family to get it for generations. I have no daughters.
Hanna, I want a white powder cake donut!
Hey guys, I just realized my Xanax are kinda pink with a ribbon on them. They were just made for me!
Debbie
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BinVA,
That's awful about your DIL -- hoping there will be some other explanation.
Ann
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BinVA really sorry to hear about your DIL, I was the first in our family, hope I'm the last~!~!~!
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what in the hell is going on that so many women...YOUNG YOUNG YOUNG women, middle-aged women, and older women are ALL getting breast cancer? It's horrifying....it didn't used to be like this. It did not used to be like this. It's a nightmare.
BinVA, I'm so sorry your DIL is going through this and pray that it's something benign.
I'll take whatever donuts are left....and start me off with the one with sprinkles.
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You're right, gsg, something is GOING ON and all they can do is treat it, not figure out what the h&ll is causing this shit. BinVa, that SUCKS so much. Keep us posted, babe.
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Oh Hanna , I just have to have a cream filled! Yum - yum!
krispy creams are the best!Deb C , hugs to you. Let them cry. Liquid emotions. Sometimes I think I would rather have tears than "Oh my god!" or" You'll be just fine".Hang in there sister.xx
BinVa , so sorry to hear of your dils news. That really sucks. I will keep her in my prayers. I'm so glad she has you there for her.xx
Otter , hugs to you. I wish I had your words when someone ask me if "I was in remission". I just said yeah. But being stage one , no nodes and a mast , I am hoping for ned. But , you never know and I didn't feel like or know how to tell them that. And sometimes I am afraid to say I am cancer free , cause with idc , you never know...damit...xx
Linda , hugs to you. You did everything and dcis , again! WTF! Good luck April 22nd. I will keep you in my prayers. Don't lose your humor. Its the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes.xx
For everyone having a sucky time-
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BinVA I'm praying that it turns out to be nothing serious. BC sucks so bad.
gsg I'll share the leftovers with you, donuts are my absolute weakness. Could never say no to one.
Otter never be sorry for what you post here. That's what this thread is for, to say what we NEED to. I could really relate to your post. I had stage one, no nodes and did chemo "just in case".
Lice are horrible. A non toxic cure that I have heard works well... take Cetaphil (a gentle cleanser) coat your head with it and comb it in. Dry it with a hairdryer. Leave overnight. Wash out in the morning. Apparently it freeze dries the little buggers. Saw this on 20/20 or some show like that. The kids at my school have lice constantly and several of the parents have used this method with success. The secret of course is to wash the heck out of everything around the house to avoid a re-contamination. Good luck!!
That's it for me no bitch of my own today.
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Somebody give me a donut ... no wait, make that TWO!!
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Handing Bren 2 donuts.....
Hang in there my friend
cancer SUCKS!!!
Deb C
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HannaB,
If AlaskaDeb hasn't eaten all the blackberry jam-filled donuts, I'd like one of those please. If she has, let me know and I'll run to the store for some more (even in this pouring rain).
Donuts are good. The rest of this SUCKS big time. Hugs to all.
otter
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Gee Wiz Otter....of course you can be sad. Those feelings are going to come out one way or another so don't be sorry ever to have those sad moments too. We all like to circumvent mortality issues but we'll all go there one way or the other, the when and how is not in our hands. Know you are loved by many and take each days little blessings as a bonus.
Well not too much to gripe about today other than seeing that freaking crack in the floor yawning at me once more......I'm beginning to think they must have sent my pathology report to Timbukto or something!!
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Viv, somewhere a few pages back in this thread there is a voodoo doll that I think we should get for you. Pretend the doll is your pathologist (or your surgeon, whichever one you think is at fault), and insert pins as desired.
otter
(The rain stopped. Anybody want more donuts?)
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Gee...I'm starved, just got in from work.....got any Boston creme doughnuts left????
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Darn, all I bought were the jelly ones. Let's see if HannaB has anything you'd like:
"Blackberry jam filled, chocolate glazed, strawberry jelly, chocolate cake, coconut crispy, and creme filled, vanilla cake with white icing and sprinkles."
Enjoy! (but seriously consider the voodoo doll)
otter
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Maybe taking my pillow, sleeping bag and supply of goods along with the voodoo doll would be good. I could camp out in the waiting area and stick the doll to keep busy, maybe that will clear the agenda in there long enough since everyone will think I'm nuts and then they will have no patients to look after but me and get this done!!
Oh ya.....I'll take a creme filled one to munch on while I wait.
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DONUTS, yeah! I love Krispy Kreme too, but they've always been a bit too sweet for me. Now they've got these "lightly glazed" ones, with just thin stripes of the glaze.... I figure for every 1 original glazed I used to eat, I can eat six of these!
Re my husband. This morning my two year old was moving things out of the way on the living room floor and she narrated: "Put Daddy's blanket back on Daddy's couch..." What does that tell you??
BinVA I'm sad for your daughter in law and you too. Let us know how her biopsy turns out. It's so scary.
Isabella, your sausage dogs - dead kittens parade was quite a story! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but decided to cry. My cat who died had once had a miscarriage in my house, dead kittens all over. Bleahh. But still easier to clean up than head lice.
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Viv, I think that's a good plan to camp out. I actually came here tonight thinking "wonder if crazydaisy got her path report yet". Waiting sucks!!
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I'll take three of those fruit filled donuts (have to get those daily fruits/vegies in right? wink) because my liver c/t came back "inconclusive" and now I have to go get a biopsy.
Final outcome could still be good, but in the meantime....the worry sucks....but then I start feeling like well, I could worry, or, I could take the weekend off and not worry right? Worrying can wait for Monday right? Wish that were true - can some people actually do that?!
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"Inconclusive" SUCKS. Like if you can't tell, take another look at it, will ya?!? Way to ruin a weekend!
Although, it could be worse.
And I have heard that livers are notorious for having all sorts of other weird benign lesions - unlike brains and lungs where if you have a 'spot' of any sort it's generally bad news. So we'll all just concentrate on a funky cyst. Do they give you really good drugs for a liver biopsy? I'd need to be mighty loopy. I will be there with you in spirit on Monday, sistah.Meanwhile, tomorrow I will be wearing my Cancer is My Bitch t-shirt to the first meeting of the San Diego Dragon Boat Wimmins (Team Survivor San Diego). I have abso-frickin-lutely NO idea what I will be doing, but at least it is supposed to be warm and gorgeous and I probably won't be the only one there with these silly curls and tits that are recycled.
Smooches,
Lisa
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