Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Slainte, sorry I missed responding to a lot of post, ususally its in and out here. So sorry you are going through some rough anniversaries, including the loss of your son. Losing a child is never something that should happen to any mother dear and I'm sorry you did. Want to say 'welcome' the thread, but dang I hate when newbies come here....just means ONE more is fighting this damned disease and finding it difficult and none of us want to have that. Hope you enjoy the rants and raves and get out of it what it was intended for....a place to let loose and get it out so we can start to heal....hmmm...so why am I still here after 4 years....interesting hey....anniversaries are difficult yet. Especially when as {{Nell 0314}} says. There are always those uninformed how make stupid comments even years down the road.
SO, my rant, b/c others are having it too, is to say "SCRE_ You" to the few in my family who can't understand the lasting effects of a mast and chemo followed by arimidex. As I said, I'm nearly 4 years from surgery, and 3 1/2 from finishing tx and I'm having problems the side effects of the both the chemo and arimidex yet. Didn't realize how bad it was, till I took a break for a week from Arimidex and OH MY!!!!!!!!!! I felt like pre-BC after 4-5 days. Very few aches except the usually from work ( I lift too much and wrongly and stand on cement floors with more than 20 minutes break once a day). It takes its toll on an already wrecked body
FROM HERE FORWARD..........You really don't need to read, just skip over it, b/c it's only a rant that makes absolutely NO sense but I have to get it out~
Thanks for always being there you wonderfully kind and wonderfully beautiful ladies and gents~
Anyway..I digress....this last month has had 2 instances that have peeved me off and brought back unresolved issues from tx days. Both from close fx members. One said she had other friends who'd gone through the same tx I had and THEY didn't have the same problems I'm having. The other said they wondered if i had been OVERTX'd! Kept my cool, and didn't respond to either. First, #1 has NO idea the names of the chemo I was on, or the extent of the loss of nerves and muscles I have from the mast. The second is more ignorant and I'm sure was either 1) talking to #1 when this little thought came through their mind or 2) listening to a talk radio show about BC and how some women are overtx.
SCRE_ them both....so you see, it never ends the ignorant will remain ignorant. It won't help to educate some, b/c those are the ones that will listen to a doctor as all-knowing and NEVER be informed. THEY don't want to learn, or educate themselves, it's too SCARY.
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Sue, you are LUCKY you can cry!!! You are letting all the shit OUT! Consider it healing. Holding all that sorrow in would just keep your guts in an uproar. I worry that I'm NOT reacting properly and here you are crying everyday which is SO appropriate and you're worried!!! If you DIDN'T cry, then we'd have a problem...
Esther, I made the mistake once of hurrying a doc along and I think I got bad treatment so I know what you're worried about deep inside. It was a follow-up to testing for varicous veins and he said "Those don't look like varicous veins, they look more like tumours. I can let you get away now, have a good day." I never did find out what the bulges in my calves were.....sigh.
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Barbe....did you not see someone else lady? WTH? did he mean, by he 'let you get away now' anyway? I swear, there are many docs with personality disorders who should only work on lab rats and never with humans! UGH!!!!!
And you are right about the 'letting it out'. I didn't cry throughout the entire first year and 2 months after dx. Till I got robbed and didn't sleep the entire night. Went in mid-day following the robbery and broke down in the GP office asking for something to help my nerves. He was so kind...so helpful and it's exactly what he said..... he was getting worried, I'd not reacted to it all yet...so yes...crying or release is good...keeping it in, only ruins your life and other parts of the body...gut, mind, heart...let it out ladies and let it out often!
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Wish, I was in a hurry so he made a big deal of not holding me back. The appointment was almost an hour late! I was on time, he wasn't. I never bothered following up. Figured if it was that bad something would show up worse sooner or later.
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Slainte, I missed responding to your post as well. I am so sorry about the loss of Ronan. Anniversaries are very hard. Welcome to you, rant away, this is a safe, good place.
OM/Esther--Mystery Solved!!! Thank you!!! (I can't even blame chemobrain....YET!)
Barbe, you were posting as I was...that doctor needs to not be your doctor anymore. For all with issues about physicians and getting treated WITH RESPECT I try to always remember that these are not Gods, they are my medical employees. My...minions, if you will, thank you very much.
Wish, I feel you. When I was still getting reconstructed I had healing and wound closure problems at the end and ended up having a total of like six revision surgeries--I actually lost count--but two of those were with local anesthetic in the office where they just tried to close the wound. My niece and older sister (mother and daughter) EACH said something to me along the lines of that they "wanted me to be done" and "was my plastic surgeon a perfectionist".....from the comments and the timing I could tell they had been discussing this and me. It SO pissed me off, I just stopped talking to them about any of it. Now that I've been diagnosed as Stage IV, THEY are calling ME...and by God I STILL have a beautiful reconstruction, even with the scar now like I had open heart surgery.Point being, no one who hasn't been here/done this could ever understand. EVER.You have permanent effects from treatment, and it takes us a long time to get used to that. You have a right to your feelings. You probably did what most if us did, just put your head down and got through the treatment however you had to, and didn't even experience your emotions until you broke down with your GP. Take it in, breathe, let it out, you are all correct. (I already cried this morning). Glad we have each other here, because we DO understand.
Small thing: It bothers me that when I edit my diagnosis and answer the questions, it puts "mets" in my signature. I ONLY HAVE ONE. I want it to say "met".
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Lady Sue...I hate reading that Stage IV and anything following it....damned disease....HATE it for you each and every one of you...it's just not okay, in no way, shape or form of it...with the s, without it, it all sux...as you well know
And yes, if you (they) have something pertinent to say, then by darn (insert swear word here instead as I would have if there weren't monitors
) say what you want, don't do it behind my back. We've all heard it, and why hide it..we know it's there and being said, so either let it go, or say it up front and let's discuss it. There in lies the problem for them though, they are ignorant and KNOW they would lose the discussion. They couldn't do the fight and will say that while you are in it, although later they've all got medical opinions b/c of someone they know that had an easier time. Good Lord help me...the only one I was able to blow off with a smile and true chuckle at her ignorance, was my then 83 y/o aunt who had previously had a lumpectomy and radiation. She suggested I went with the radiation b/c it was so easy, rather than the mast and chemo I was facing....still cracks me up...I don't think she understood even after I said I had nothing left to radiate. Stupid is, stupid does..is that how it goes? And Barbe....please, do get it looked it if it's still a concern for you lady...don't wait like many of us did with this crap in the beginning...tis' not worth it dear friend...as you know...
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Welcome to all the newbies... sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. This is the place to go to vent... we listen and we TRULY 'get it'....
Sue,
I am SO SORRY to read your CRAPPY news! I am glad, though, that you won't need more surgery... I understand why you are so sad... wish I could make it all better for you... it SUX, it truly does! I love ya, sister!!
Hello, wish!! I love you, too!!
Well, I am tired... the weather is damp, cool, rainy and ugly... and it's causing my ARTHRITIS to give me fits! I know... it's better than 'c'.... but it STILL sux....
Harley
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Harley, I usually get about a month in the fall where I am almost pain free. We just had that month and that's when I do my biggest chores. Garage, basement, etc. Just finishing off tiling a bathroom after ripping out an old toilet. Trying to get the new toilet in, but need a part and all our stores are closed for Thanksgiving! Stupid holidays....sigh.
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barbe1958
WOW! I am impressed! I could NEVER rip out a toilet! or anything like that!! You ROCK, girl!
Yes, today is Columbis Day here, and there was NO MAIL delivery... stupid... huh??
Wish I had you here to help me move all the furniture, when I clean! lol
Harley
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'Scuse me a minute......................................got butterflies flap..........er.............crapping all over my insides, so downloading a lot this afternoon.
Had rads all last week for lower spinal progression while also having CT scan of right leg on Onc's orders as a result of a full body bone CT the week before. This was all accomplished about 300kms from home, so a bit more stressed by being in a strange place.
DH and I got home last Friday and were getting a bit relaxed until a phone call this afternoon from the hospital. My Onc's intern/off-sider rang to tell me I had new growth in my right Femur and I would be receiving a call from a surgeon.........I think. Trouble is, he had one of those foreign accents that normally try to sell you new phone plans.
Anyway, upshot is, I will be heading back to the city AGAIN next week for another consult for another treatment. I gotta tell you girls..........this isn't very funny any more..............not that it ever was, but I seemed to get some levity out of it all at times.
I wonder if cancer eats up all ones humour as it marauds our bodies?
Sheila.
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AussieSheila,
Aww... CRAP, that SUX! So sorry you are having to deal with this crap!!
Sending Gentle HUGS your way!
Harley
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Sheila, bone cancer is funny only when it's on your humerus bone!!! I've been wondering what rock you crawled under sweetie!! Whole lot of sucking going on!!!!!! Hugs to you!!
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Oh, Sheila, no I think our sense of humor just gets sharper. That SUCKS!!
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Whoa! Lots of suckage going on!
Orangetiger........rant on girl! Why settle for mediocre when you can have better???? Besides, would they???? (ahem, think male here)) It really makes me mad when men poo-poo how a woman feels but oh boy.....when it comes to them?????
Shelia.......sorry about the progression. 300km from home? Wouldn't it be nice if they covered flying you back and forth, I think they should!
Sue.....go ahead and cry, we'll sop it up, you have every right and then get going to fight this beast! Hopefully your "lazy" cancer decides to take a nap along the way when your new treatments kick in! Glad you got a "perk" from the past surgery! Who woulda thunk??? Pity Party as long as you want, no apologies required here! ((((HUGS)))
Wish.........hope your SE's lighten up.
I was out paddling this past weekend and came alongside my nieghbour out in her kayak. We got talking and I asked where she had been all summer as we would always see her out on the water. She said she had been having medical issues. It was then that I noticed she had a scarf wrapped on her head with a large sunhat over top........yea, she says, chemo and rads.........damm cancer!!!
Sorry to see all the newbies..........rant away girls!
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OK..........I think we should colour our funny bones Black--humour-wise......what say you all?
I think we have all earned that right!
Still haven't heard from anyone re the leg issue.................so the butterflies have turned into Raptors which have much larger crap-abilities.
Not under a rock Barbe, I think I have been 'holed' up in too many of those big round machines........can't see out very far in those things.
Sorry to hear others are suffering so much suckage..........but I guess that's what this thread is for..........to give it a blast and hopefully get if off our chests (no pun intended).
Sheila.
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Sheila, crap-abilities, now that's a good one.
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too large, couldn't read it sorry i missed it... i have my good days, my bad days. im opposed to suicide (for me ) but, im so sorry for the circumstances you've been forced into chili.. im sending warm fuzzies your way.......3jaysmom
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FLWarrior - I can understand your panic. I've been there. Just because the landlord has been served with foreclosure papers doesn't mean he/you will have to vacate immediately. Florida passed a tenant protection law a few years ago to deal with this. You may have months to as long as a year.
Who sent the notice? Call them and find out what is happening. Usually in this situation you pay your rent to a third party because there's no sense in giving it to your landlord if he's not paying the mortgage. Try to stay calm which I know isn't easy but it's hard to make wise decisions when you're coming from a place of fear & panic.
PM me if you need to talk.
Denise
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I passed all the tests so far. no kidney stones, no cysts, nothing appears to be causing traces of blood in UA. I would just prefer to quit looking because i gets so expensive. co-pays, $400 images and now a colonoscopy?? How is that related?
I'm just whining. Hate being so broke. Not even looking forward to my fav. holiday season approaching. Can't stand the thought of another dollar store Christmas, which is really petty, I annoy myself.
So sorry for ya'll that have tx and scarier things to face than goblins. Its all so heavy.
Sue, cry all you can. Hell, I've cried for you. That SUX. dump your crap here as often as needed.
Connie
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My normal daily life is what I would call "uncomfortable". I try my best to not stress over the pains (lymphadema, hands and feet mostly) and get by with Advil. But last night I had a couple of episodes of chest pain. Well today I did a thorough chest exam (no breast) and found a large growth right below my scar.
I've always wondered if the surgeon took lymph nodes from the correct side since I got the lymphadema on the opposite side of the breast with cancer. Was the diagnosis of no lymph involvement correct? What if it wasn't correct and the staging was wrong and therefore the treatment plan of only 4 chemos was not enough? Too many questions.
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When someone asks you how is it going, answer: same pile, different foot.
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The insurance company kicked up a little about the Xeloda....I think it will be delivedered tomorrow and I will start it Sunday morning. I see the rads onco on the 26th, the rads are for five weeks, the first grandbaby is due on November 21st. I don't know what it going to happen but there is nothing I can do about it. I asked if I could wait to start the rads until around the first week of December but they said that would be waiting "kind of a long time". So I have to think in the long term here. I will have a better idea on the 26th.
Had scans today. Trying not to think about it.
Much love,
Sue (edited to remove the 's' in 'mets'...I only have one and it really bothers me...yes I can be a tiny bit obsessive!!)
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Sounds like a plan Sue, keep us posted. Maybe the rads will be less destructive to your well-being as the area is a lot smaller than a whole breast? Does that make sense?
Kicking, did you have a double mast? If so, lymph nodes are taken out with the breast tissue, not necessarily just from your armpit. So you could get LE on either side, really. What a pain in the ass, eh?
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Yep it was was a double. You said it, pain in the ass.
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Kickin; and Barbe1958
I also had a DOUBLE, and I never thought about the LE risk on the OTHER side, since they didn't take any lymph nodes out from under my arms. Great.... something ELSE to worry about, right?
Harley
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Hm....did my post disappear, or was it another duh...forgot to send perhaps? I swear....chemobrain is still present after all this time
Stupid c and stupid tx Connie, yeah~ Glad they are ruling things out. Hope its just the aging process or b9 for you...
Skickin...sorry to hear you're having daily issues...pain that is always present has a way with our minds that is not nice ;(
{{Sue}} you're in my thoughts this morning again...hoping things are going okay for you hon. It SUX big time that you are having to even think about the scheduling for the darn rads with the baby coming....SUX big time...dangitall anyway
Please do what is right for you heart and we'll keep a prayer you don't have problems from them hon...JUST PLAIN OL' SUX~ Harley friend....YES, suckage in that is still always something new to learn about this damn c and it's lifelong pull on our thoughts
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Wish, exactly. There is nothing I can do.
Day one of Xeloda was not so bad. Of course, the side effects are not supposed to show up until close to the end of the first cycle...fingers crossed...
Love you guys.
Sorry this was not such a bitchin post.
Sue
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Hey Sue.......first grandbaby coming, that's awesome! All these worries before the baby comes does suck! Maybe you'll be done rads before the baby comes, that is if it isn't exactly on time. Something to look forward to, new babies are such a joy. There's always the things we can't control but, take control of what you can and set aside time to enjoy the things you love. That sucks that you have all those scans to worry about now too! Prayers for you that they won't find anything else!! Hope the Xeloda isn't to rough on you.
PS...I like that you took the S of mets..........after all, you should be able to put it the way that best reflects you! It's your line!
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Haven't been here in a while - lot of suckage. I pray for each of you - I am so sorry to hear about so many problems - it seems to me if you get cancer you should get a "pass" from the rest of life's crap.
I hear one of my cousins remarked that everybody wanted something for nothing including his father and me for being on disability! Just for the record - I had stroke in 2003, my heart stopped on the treadmill in 2004 (thank the Lord I was in a cardiologist office at the time) and 2 stents were placed in my heart and then six months later they put a third stent in, I have diabetes with some kidney damage, neuropathy, etc. I have spinal stenosis and my legs and back are painful all the time. And to top it off, I had breast cancer. But I'm not disabled! I can't do anything I used to love doing because I can't walk far at all.
Every time I think I am getting a handle on it - I feel apart. This past week I was experiencing some chest pains (Thusday night). Friday I saw my PCP who said I was wheezing, said I had asthma and prescribed an inhaler. They did do a EKG and all she said was that it wasn't "awful" and I had a big heart - what the hell does that mean. So Monday I called my old cardiologist who will run a nuclear stress test. He seemed quite thorough. He is going to do some doppler tests on my legs to see if I have blockages there.
In the meantime, I was afraid to do anything until my heart was cleared and just after seeing the cardiologist I began have severe vertigo and was in bed until yesterday when it finally subsided.
Where there's my rant.
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Kathleen........glad your vertigo subsided, I have heard that it can last for weeks!!! Good luck with the doppler and stress tests. and please take it easy till you do hear!
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