Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs
Comments
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> > Lost in Translation!
> > English Signs in Foreign Countries
> >
> > Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> > GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
> > BED.
> >
> > Hotel Anders Rom, Rom:
> > ALL FEMALE GUESTS ARE WELCOME. PLEASE BRING OWN TOWELS FOR MORNING SHOW.
> >
> > Hotel notice, Tokyo:
> > IT IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO
> > DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.
> >
> > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> > OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
> >
> > In a Tokyo bar:
> > SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
> >
> > In a Bangkok temple:
> > IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
> >
> > Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
> > PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
> >
> > Hotel brochure, Italy:
> > THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM
> > ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
> >
> > Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> > THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
>THAT
> > YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
> >
> > Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
> > TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD
> > ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING
> > FLOOR.DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
> >
> > Hotel elevator, Paris:
> > PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
> >
> > Hotel, Athens:
> > VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9
>AND
> > 11 AM DAILY.
> >
> > Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> > THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
> >
> > Hotel, Japan:
> > YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
> >
> > Sign in Japanese public bath:
> > FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
> >
> > Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
> > TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
> >
> > In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
> > YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
> > COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
> >
> > Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> > NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
> > ASCENSION.
> >
> > Taken from a menu, Poland:
> > SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
>THE
> > FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE
> > COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
> >
> > Supermarket, Hong Kong:
> > FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
> >
> > Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
> > DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
> >
> > Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
> > LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
> >
> > Tailor shop, Rhodes:
> > ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS
>IN
> > STRICT ROTATION.
> >
> > In an East African newspaper:
> > A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
> > THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
> >
> > Hotel, Vienna:
> > IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
> >
> > An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
> > TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
> >
> > Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
> > TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
> >
> > Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
> > WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
> >
> > In the window on a Swedish furrier:
> > FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
> >
> > The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
> > GARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
> >
> > Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
> > STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
> >
> > In a Swiss mountain inn:
> > SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
> >
> > On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
> > IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
> >
> > Cocktail lounge, Norway:
> > LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
> >
> > At a Budapest zoo:
> > PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
>TO
> > THE GUARD ON DUTY.
> >
> > Hotel, Acapulco:
> > THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
> >
> > Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> > COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
> > PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
> >
> > Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> > WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> > MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE
> > HIM WITH VIGOR.
> >
> > Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
> > ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE, SPEECHING AMERICAN
> >
> > Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
> > WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
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Last Sunday we attended Baptist Community Church in Afton, Wyoming. The following is from an insert in the church bulletin:
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.' (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized ' Wheeling ' washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... 'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... All the Bible covers are camouflage.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come back now, Ya hear'.
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PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,
her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found :
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
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You might need a tissue for this...
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.......
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.0 -
Old Chinese Proverb
Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
The book for which you search, you are obviously
in the..... WONG FOOK HING BOOK STORE!Disclaimer: Whatever jokes I find and publish here, are not intended whatsoever to be offensive in any way, shape or form... whatever tickles my bone, I hope it tickles yours. Thank you.
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As a law enforcement officer, I have been approached by several people lately
wanting to know how to identify a meth lab.
Following are four photos.
I think it's pretty obvious which one is the meth lab.
I hope this helps (scroll below)l
l
l
l
l
l
l
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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
>
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...
>
>
> At that instant the Atheist cried out,
> 'Oh my God!'
>
> Time Stopped.
> The bear froze.
> The forest was silent.
>
>
> As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
>
> 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
> 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
>
> Am I to count you as a believer?
>
> The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
>
>
> 'Very well,' said the voice..
>
>
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
>
> 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.0 -
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Please take your time observing the following pictures... what do you think that all these women are doing and/or have in common?
Give up??? Oh come on... try again. Scroll down...
I
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Really give up?????
Okay, they are all about to sneezing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did you think!?!?!
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A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her... to go home and blow into the tailpipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home,
got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond
roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blond told her
how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get
all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like
hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."0 -
Well, this probably won't make you laugh or chuckle; it may not even make you smile.
But I liked it. Maybe you will like it too. Its an animated short that was nominated for an Oscar. While it is a children's story, it will probably appeal to both children and adults. Its about 15 minutes long. Its called 'The Lost Thing'.
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love the meth lab
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MIDDLE (OLD) AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD - at the doctor
BFF - best friend fell
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT -bring your own teeth
FWIW -forgot where I was
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA -got heartburn again
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out
OMMR -on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL - talk to you louder!
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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
the blonde starts sobbing, "Than's horrible!!! so many men dying that way!"
Confused her husband says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting.
30% say they feel their ass is too big
10% say they feel their ass is too skinny
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world!
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R.I.P.
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket. Well,he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her and put it inthe casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, rolled it away.
So her friend said,"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"
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Loved the Meth Lab! Thanks.
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Your Duck is Dead–
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly
said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck
is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed
to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now $150.”
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Well, this may not be a chuckle, but I have no words to express my amazement that anyone could do this. Takes about 5 minutes to watch.
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Extracts from letters to a british housing deptartment
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in a hole in his back passage.
The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of the sink that is running away from the wall.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife will soon be an expectant mother?
I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired & burnt my knob off.
The toilet is blocked & we can't bathe the children till it's cleared.
Would you please send someone to repair our broken path? My wife tripped on it & is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children & would like a third. So would you please send someone to do something about it?
Would you please send someone to repair my spout? I am elderly & need it straight away.
When workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's drawers & made a mess. Please send workmen with clean tools to finish the job & make my wife happy.
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Marriage is like a card game.....It starts with 2 hearts and a diamond, and by the time its over you're just wishing for a club and a spade!
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A man accidently runs into another car, a short looking guy gets out of the other car and walks over to the man and say's "I'm not happy" the man says " Well, which one are you"
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hahaha! Funny, Debbie!
Q: Why is sex better when you're camping?
A: It's always in-tents
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LOL! took me a minute suzanne (Thats just the blonde in me) but cute
Parrot joke,
A woman gets out of bed and dresses, goes in the kitchen, takes the cover off her parrot cage, opens the blinds, makes some coffee, the phone rings, its her boyfriend saying he's coming over for a little "Quickie" So she runs and closes the blinds, peeling her colthes off as she is goes, unplugs the coffe machin, covers the parrot cage again, as she is walking away she hears the parrots say, "Well, that was a short F,,,,ing day!
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Yah...that camping joke loses something when you have to write it out!
Here's another one you have to read out loud:
It was Henry's 80th birthday! His doorbell rang and in the doorway stood a buxom young woman in a skimpy outfit. She says "You're friends sent me over to make your dreams come true...How would you like a night of super sex?"
Henry says "I don't know.....What's the soup?"
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the 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher...
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife.. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this..' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
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LOL@ suzanne and chabba!
Pedro and his Girlfriend
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!0 -
Sorry about all the fonts not sure why that happened?
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lol 0
