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Smiles, Chuckles, and Quick Laughs

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  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited September 2010

    What Religion is Your Bra?


    A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's

    and shyly walked up to

    the woman behind the counter and said,

    'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '

    ' What type of bra?'

    asked the clerk.


    'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
    ' Look around,'

    said the saleslady,

    as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour

    and material imaginable.

    'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

    Relieved, the man asked

    about the types.

    The saleslady replied:

    'There are the Catholic,

    the Salvation Army,

    the Presbyterian,

    and the Baptist types.

    Which one would you prefer?'


    Now totally befuddled,

    the man asked about

    the differences between them.

    The Saleslady responded,

    'It is all really quite simple..


    The Catholic type 
    supports the masses;
    The Salvation Army type
     lifts the fallen;

    The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
    The Baptist type
     makes mountains out of molehills.'


    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

    to define bra sizes?

    If you have wondered why,

    but couldn't figure out

    what the letters stood for,

    it is about time

    you became informed!


    (A} Almost Boobs...
     
    {B} Barely there......
     
    {C} Can't Complain!.. 

    {D} Dang!...
     
    {DD} Double dang!...
     
    {E} Enormous!...
     
    {F} Fake...
     
    {G} Get a Reduction...
     
    {H} Help me, I've fallen

    and I can't get up!...


    Send this to

    all that will appreciate it!

    oh,

    They  forgot the German  bra.


    'Holtzemfromfloppen'
     

  • Kate33
    Kate33 Member Posts: 1,936
    edited September 2010
    A Real ManA real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.He will inspire her to do things she never though she could do: to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine.Never mind!Cheers!
  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 24,938
    edited September 2010

    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?  He sold his soul to Santa!

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited September 2010

    The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.

    He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.
    All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited September 2010

    THREE   NUNS WERE AT A "YANKEE " BASEBALL GAME


    THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
     

     IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,


    "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." 
     

     THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
    "I WANT TO GO TO
    MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." 
     

    THE THIRD GUY SAID,
    "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
     

     THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

    "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL... THERE AREN'T  

     ANY NUNS  ....... THERE!"

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited September 2010
    The talking clock

    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

    "What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

    "It's not a gong, It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

    "A talking clock?  Seriously?" asked his astonished friends.

    "Yup," replied the drunk.

    "How's it work?"  one of the friends asked, squinting at it.

    "Watch," the drunk replied.  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

    Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

               "You asshole!  It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited October 2010
    Subject: THE HAIRCUT
    >
    >One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
    >cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
    >accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    >The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went
    >to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card
    >and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    >
    >Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to
    >pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
    >from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was
    >happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went
    >to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts
    >waiting for him at his door.
    >
    >Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went
    >to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept
    >money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The
    >Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning,
    >when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen
    >lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    >
    >And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
    >between the citizens of our country and the politicians who
    >run it.
    >
    >BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND
    >FOR THE SAME REASON!
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited October 2010
    Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

    Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited October 2010
    A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

    He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

    He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

    "I'm going too!!" he replied.

    "Why?" She asked.

    "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited October 2010

    FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!


    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)



    Q
    . Do female frogs croak?

    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
    water long enough.


    Q.
    If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



    Q.
    True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



    Q.
    You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



    Q.
    According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.



    Q.
    Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



    Q.
    In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..



    Q.
    What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



    Q.
    As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.



    Q.
    Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



    Q.
    Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



    Q.
    In bowling, what's a perfect score?

    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



    Q.
    It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



    Q.
    During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



    Q.
    Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

    A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



    Q.
    When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



    Q.
    If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



    Q.
    According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



    Q.
    It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



    Q.
    Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



    Q.
    Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



    Q.
    When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him



    Q.
    Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



    Q.
    According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



    WE DON 'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,

    WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited October 2010

    Naughty, I was actually reading those responses from Paul Lynde and hearing his accent in my head! boy do I remember Hollywood Squares and the totally innocent questions and the answers that could be taken as naughty!

    Sheila 

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited October 2010

                                                                                                               
    A Woman's Poem
    ©Unknown
    He didn't like the casserole
    And he didn't like my cake,
    He said my biscuits were too hard
    Not like his mother used to make.
    I didn't perk the coffee right
    He didn't like the stew,
    I didn't mend his socks
    The way his mother used to do.
    I pondered for an answer
    I was looking for a clue.
    So I turned around and smacked him one
    Like his mother used to do.

    ******************************************


     I love a good poem, don't you?!?!

  • KAYEF
    KAYEF Member Posts: 1
    edited October 2010

    Ode To My Breast

     

    I've lost a lot of things in my life, 

    But it's you I'll be missing.

    There were times you were mis-used,

     But you could always take a licking.

    We've had our share of good times,

     Too many to recall,

    Like how you'd run around the house

    In nothing but a bra.

     Through thick and thin-

    You've been the biggest part of me.

     No matter where I went-

    You were always first to be seen.

    You always encouraged me-

    To work hard to lose my weight.

    Whenever I'd go jogging-

    You were always in my face.

    I've spent a lot of time and money,

    To lift you up when you were down.

     I was willing to lend support,

    Whenever you were down.

    The support I gave was little-

    Compared to the load that you beared.

    Together we made it look simple-

    The pain was something only we shared.

    Many have turned their backs on you,

    Though you only wished to please.

    No matter how they tried,

    They couldn't get you in a squeeze.

     I'll be strong, Though in the beginning I'll be weak-

    Of this you can be sure.

    At first I'll probably just look down at my feet-

    Something I could never do before.

    I'll stay positive and be of good cheer-

    Of this you can count on.

    Just think I'll be able to go topless and drink a beer

    Whenever I mow the lawn!

    Copyright © 2005 by Johnnie K Fisher

  • GramE
    GramE Member Posts: 2,234
    edited November 2010
  • redsoxfan
    redsoxfan Member Posts: 63
    edited December 2010

    Ok

    An Inspirational Golf Story.......

    Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

    At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 3 times a week."

    Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind

    kids."

    Then I thought...



    Shit, I could win this thing!
  • Anjanita
    Anjanita Member Posts: 43
    edited January 2011

    Where I live we tell Ole and Lena jokes, making good-natured fun of our Scandinavian heritage.  And I suppose before our ancestors became profficient in English they must have seemed dumb to those who got here first.

     So.

    Lars, who is vacationing in Hawaii, calls his brother Ole and says, "Yeah, dah vedder here is yoost about perfect.  Ve got 80 degrees.  And vhat's dah vedder like dere, den, Ole?"

    Ole answers, "Oh, ve got snow and den more snow, Lars.  Yew betcha. 'bout tree inches yesterday and now den tewday it's been blowin' and snowin' and don't look about tew stop at all. 

     Poor Lena, she been lookin' troo dah kitchen vindow all day long and if it gets much colder I tink I'm gonna haff tah let her in."

    Oofdah.

  • Suzanne3131
    Suzanne3131 Member Posts: 2,000
    edited January 2011

    hahaha!!

  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 1,821
    edited January 2011

    Prayer for 2011

    Dear God:

    For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
     
    Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
    Amen.

  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 7,605
    edited January 2011

    Amen!

  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 765
    edited January 2011

    Another AMEN here.

  • RachelKa
    RachelKa Member Posts: 68
    edited February 2011

    Love Denise and Denephew. LOL Here's a link to a page I have on my website: All the other pages are about cancer. But this particular link, I call it Neither Here Nor  There" Because it's not about cancer; it's not about our health It's neither Here Nor There.

    Hope you check it out and get a good chuckle!

    http://www.1uponcancer.com/neither-here-nor-there/

    Rachel

  • ---
    --- Member Posts: 7
    edited March 2011

    What do you call the surgical procedure for clipping the vas deferens of a man?

    VASECTOMY

    What do you call the surgical removal of a woman's uterus?

    HYSTERECTOMY

    What do you call the surgical removal of a breast?

    MASTECTOMY

    What do you call the surgical procedure of bad breath?

    DON'T TALK TO ME

  • Suzanne3131
    Suzanne3131 Member Posts: 2,000
    edited March 2011

    What do you call the surgical procedure of a female-to-male sex change?

    ADDADICTOMY 

    SurprisedEmbarassed 

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011

    What is the first irishman to walk out of the house in the spring?

    Pati O'Furniture!

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011

    To Be 6 Again! 
    >
    >             A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
    >             looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
    >             far off he asked what she'd like to
    >             have for her birthday.
    >
    >             'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
    >
    >             On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
    >             of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
    >
    >             Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
    >             reeling and her stomach felt upside
    >             down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
    >
    >             Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy,
    >             M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
    >
    >             Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
    >             exhausted.
    >
    >              
    >             He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
    >             again?'
    >
    >             Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    >

    >             'I meant my dress size, you f*****g retard!!!!'

    >
    >             The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
    >             get it wrong.

  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011
    It's Hell to be Old ! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

    OLD people have problems that you haven't
    even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his
    Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
    exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
    this jar home and bring back a semen sample
    tomorrow.'

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
    at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
    with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing..

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
    her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
    armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
    neighbor?'


    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
    the jar open.'
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011
    "There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big,
    trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
    down in one swig." Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says,
    menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand
    to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
    was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
    lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
    left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with
    the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I
    buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
    dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing!
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011
    DIVORCE versus MURDER

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
    pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't
    give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence!
    They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
    any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
    bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You
    didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011
    This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

    HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

    You have to try this please,
    it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your
    brain!

    1.
    While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

    2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

    I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 190
    edited March 2011
    Time to lighten up and have a laugh!

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

    Juan on Juan


    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
    The position of the dirt bag

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.


    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

    Doughnuts

     

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

     


    What do you call a smart blonde?

    A golden retriever.

     


    What do attorneys use for birth control?

    Their personalities.

     


    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    10 years and 45 lbs

     


    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes

     

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife

     

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.


    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


    Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

     

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.

     

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

     


    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

     

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you

     

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

     

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

     

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

     

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


    How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

     

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -
    A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....