Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?
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(((ISABELLA)))), they say you can choose your friends but not your family. What an idiot your DD is being! I will say a prayer for you that the tempest waits until after the holiday. Doubting that though. So Sorry.
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Isabella-My DD did exactly the same thing about a year ago. This guy was supposedly the love of her life. Took the two little ones and left SIL. DH and I were beside ourselves. We gave her what for. Not that it did a bit of good. Well, just before last Christmas she came back. Things still weren't good, but I kept my thoughts to myself. She had no idea that I knew everything I did because SIL told me! She actually went back to this fellow one more time, but came back telling SIL that she must have been out of her mind. Like we hadn't already told her that! There is just nothing you can do but provide a soft place for the grandchildren to land if it comes to that. Hang in there.
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Isabella - I am so sorry to hear about your DD mess. You might want to ask her since she wants time on her own if all the children could come stay with you until after Christmas. Tell her that they would be a help to you and the older boys could help with the little girl. What is one more lie in this mess?
If that fails tell her the truth that you and 2 of the boys know everything and if she ruins this Christmas she will wind up the biggest loser. She will not only lose her family but also the respect of her sons and seriously damage your relationship with her. Tell her the boys and you have agreed to keep the lid on things but if she blows it she is out of luck for any sympathy form any of you. The let the chips fall where they may, the ball will be in her court and that makes any future decision hers.
Time to let her sink or swim in her own mess, the best you can do is protect the children from physical harm and know that any emotional trauma they encounter has the potential to make them stronger adults. And let them know they will always have your love no matter what you DD does with her life. SIL will have to deal with all of this in his own manner, but let him know you are on his side and that the children will need his strength to get through this. Together you will all get through it.
Don't think that this because of is anything that you did wrong. DD is the one at fault and she now will have to face the consequences for her actions.
Hope you can find some peace this Christmas and enjoy the children.
Amy Jo
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im just reading and shakin my head.I often think that the more you do for these kids the worst it is.all they think about is themselves.we go over and over again where did we go wrong and the answer always comes up the same.ITS NOT US ITS THEM...im just grateful those crazy kids gave me wonderful grandchildren.its time for them to grow up.SINK OR SWIM. now its my way or the highway.
enjoy the grandkids.thats a gift from God.
stay strong Isabella.this too shall pass.
hugggggggs
k
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Raaeinnz - glad to meet you too.
Barbara - I will have a video camera!!!! (with a tripod
) We are gonna have some fun.Pizza for DH and pasta for me was good and fireside is warm and cozy. What a great evening. This week is getting better and better. Hope it holds out til Friday the WOO HOO.
Joy and blessings,
Amy Jo
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Oh, Isabella!! Like you need crap like this to deal with. I am so sorry this is going on and for sure it will be no dozing in front of a fire for you. I do pray so I will add you to mine in hopes that this all works out for the best. It is nothing you have done wrong, it's just life. Costco is in England?
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Isabella, oh what a crock of S**T! I have no words of wisdom, just sorry you're having to deal with this right now. We all know you're an incredibly strong woman and you'll deal with what you have to deal with, and we're all here for you to vent on anytime you need!
{{{HUGS}}}, Kathy
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Isabella, I do hope you can have some peaceful, quiet times through the holidays with your family. I've been concerned about you, as we haven't heard much from you lately, and have been praying for you. I, with your other sisters here, will continue to do so.
What amyjo says makes a lot of sense to me. Do whatever you can to help the grandkids and help the SIL as best you can.
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Isabella sending big hugs. It is so difficult in these tupes of situation I know you will be there for the grandchildren.
Hi Amy Jo hope you are doing OK. You will get lots of support here.
Must go and get another drink, eating is not on today, think I tried to be superwoman yesterday and today i am paying for it.
Big hugs to all
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isabella - I am sorry to hear that this is happening. It is wonderful though that your GSs come to you and you are there for them. As others have said, you are going to be their rock if the s**t hits the fan, so keep yourself well and your house nice and warm so they feel safe and cared for if they need a place to get away from it all. Don't worry about DD - she has made her choice and she will have to deal with the fallout of her actions. I feel sorry for SIL - my first husband did the same thing to me and even when I confronted him about it he denied the affair. I left him and never looked back. I hope SIL can keep it together and not do anything 'silly' - at the very least it won't be a very good example to the kids if he implodes. I am glad that you told us about this, it helps to tell someone n'est pa?
Enjoy your OBX holiday ladies! If I lived any closer (like on the same continent lol) I would have joined you.
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wow!you ladies fly thru these threads!! i had to go further back, till icould see barbaras' dresses.. i like the choices, too.. the blue white, and the orangey one... i can't remeber sh***! anymore.
SV i am thinkin about you girl, can't wait to here all about the partys!!!wish i could be there. next year its my goal..
Issabella, im such a "chicken" that i skipped the hen educational.. i already know how inhumanewe are as a society to all fARM animals, dogs, and cats, wolves..we're just a not so good race. that apparently does include our elderly. im sorry your MIL ended up there. have had family in them. and the stunned reaction is common. remember, she's not yours now, but i DO admire you for caring about how she feels.. just remember to take care of yourself.. whats' happening w/ GS and friend?? is he with you for all this snow, and work?? i hope so... thinking of you, but wont be smug about being in Florida.. i don't think i'd last in the UK....
please be good to yourselves, ladies.. also,a big welcome to Rachel, Amy Jo and Alyson, glad you're home, and on the mend. love to all..so jealous of you going to see SV....3jays
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Sorry Isabella...I honestly know what you feel like. My "friend" is going through the same exact thing. "SHE" thinks it's just fine to carry on with her co-worker, who is ALWAYS at their house! The husband & grown kids love him too! He takes them ALL on outings! He takes HER to his mountain cabin!
The husband just is kind of oblivious to what ELSE is going on! I think she is out of her mind! It is sooooo apparent as to what is going on, when we are all together! She KNOWS how I feel, but my opinion makes no difference at all! She deserves to lose it all!
HE is also married, but those two seem to think that their shenanigans are perfectly normal! The kids HAVE to know! Maybe no-one cares! The HUSBAND??? would probably stay even if she came right out with it!
And I'm sorry for you! You are the only hope for the peace your Grand-sons want. I don't know what you can do. Your Daughter will lose everyone's trust, including yours. She doesn't want to hear your rationalization....or your opinions. Right now she doesn't care.....It's so absurd how someone ELSE can take over a persons every thought... Your SIL IS probably worth his weight in gold, but she doesn't care.
And this takes lots of time to build up to where other people notice. If he forgives her, & they stay together, it will not be good.... She will not give up something that she wants....not unless HE dumps her. And you will lose any chance of her talking to you if you come out with "both barrels blazing"..........I know, I've tried. The little girl....that is the worst part...& your SIL....He will be lost without her, even KNOWING what she is doing.
Isabella, just BE there....be there for them all....It will all happen sooner or later....Wouldn't you just like to go over there & shake her till her teeth rattle? Wouldn't do any good. Wish I could help you more.....xoxooxo
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Thanx for all the commiserations...just had a big flood of tears while no-one is around ! Rung G/sons, there are no further developments.
Susgul....I know you have a DD that matches mine !! What did we do to deserve them !!!! My DD, now and then when we scrap, tells me its because she had a 'repressed' childhood !!! Repressed my backside, she had everything. Brought up on a farm, 5 horses, motorbikes, cars, friends always at the house, good schooling ( not that that did any good, she was always playing truant) She also had her chores to do if she wanted any pocket money, which she greatly resented, but I don't believe in giving them cash without making them realise cash has to be earned. She just hands out cash to her boys, never makes them do anything in the house and garden, and never takes one penny from their wages to go towards household bills. 2 of the boys have come out of this well. the third, and youngest, is a grabbing little devil, is constantly hassling his mother for cash, and boasts he won't need to get a job, his mother will keep him. ( I don't get on with this one too well, as he has to be forever watched, he will steal anything he can lay his hands on, and DD just gets behind him and says we are all picking on him) My ex MIL always called DD a maverick !!!
I have got to the point where I will get no work done at all today, so off to play about colouring my hair and listening to the radio, my mind will not focus.Am just having a warm thru' before I start, it is snowing like mad outside, but everything is fed, watered, and reasonably warm....and I am NOT going outside again today. Looking thru the window it all looks like a Christmas card, but I wish it would go away now, I am sick of it.
Just finished off my cup of coffee, and filled the logburner up, so off for some 'me' time now.
Isabella.
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Reading all the posts this a.m. I too am so sorry Isabella. Though it is often hard to take...I know this first hand too, everything has a reason. The bad part is....we can't usually see it, so go through so much pain and upset.
If there is any justice......and who knows how long it could be before it comes....people like your DD --- even if it's ten minutes before they take their last breath will see exactly what they have done with the bountiful gifts they were given ( great mother, good sons, fantastic husband ) and it will be the longest ten minutes of total and complete regrets there ever were. Sometimes....you get to have this ten minutes much earlier. I'm praying it will come soon. Have to say though, after such a betrayal of everyone and everything......it would take a long, long time for DD to regain anyone's trust again.
Hope that you find your place of peace in all this Isabella.
Hugs, Jackie
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Isabella - Thinking about and praying for you and the SIL and grandchildren. I went through this with my Sister a few years ago. She basically is no longer part of the family and she lost her children, home and severely damaged her relationship with our Mom and Dad, both of whom are now gone. She will never be able to repair the damage she did. The rest of us have moved on and the children have adjusted to a calmer life without her around, and her former husband is more a part of the family than she will ever be again. Time will help heal the hurt for the children and your SIL. Just be there for them and give them all the love you can. It has helped some that I was able to council them during the initial blow up and the following months of healing. The most important thing is to let them know you love them regardless or what their mother has done or will do. You and SIL need to take any legal measures you need to do in order to protect the children. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I along with all the other ladies here will be here whenever you need us.
Everyone else - Hope you all are doing well and getting the rest you need to stay healthy. I am so looking forward to the beach weekend. I wish more of you could come, but hope you plan on next year. We are planning on taking lots of pictures to share.
Joy and Blessings
Amy Jo
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Hello to all on this windy rainy night, or at least it's doing that here. I heard we're supposed to have severe thunderstorms later, so go figure. What a day it's been. Got a call last night that my 98-year old aunt had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, so I've been in Rockingham today, about 60 miles from here. Lord, she looks bad--getting IV antibiotics and O2, labored breathing, etc. I visit her at least once a week and have done so for the past 2 years, and she's been in long-term care for about 7 years now. Maybe longer, seems like forever. I'm her power of attorney and the only one who goes to see her--well, DH goes too whenever he can and he's going with me tomorrow. This is my dad's sister, the only sibling left in his family, and Daddy was the only one of 4 who had children. My aunt and her sister always lived together and were originally both in the same room at the facility until the other aunt died, and then a few years later the nursing home she was in closed and I had to find another place for her to go. If she makes it through this, it looks like I'll have to find her a skilled nursing facility to go to, because she'll need more care than she gets now.
And she may be 98 and deaf as the proverbial post, but she's of sound mind and definitely knows her own mind! She's gotten used to the facility she's in and she doesn't want a change! Now, I haven't said anything to her yet about it, but I'm meeting with a case manager/discharge planner tomorrow and I know they're going to tell me she has to go to skilled. And she should be in skilled, no argument from me. It would be much easier on me if I could get her here in my county, but I've already approached that with her in the past and she doesn't want to leave Rockingham. I don't know why other than that it's home to her. For a while we would go see my dad at one nursing home, my stepmother in another nursing home, and Aunt Kate in hers, 3 nursing homes in one day, every week. But Dad died in January and we no longer go to see Dad's wife, because she's in the late stages of Alzheimer's and knows absolutely no one now. She has a son and a sister who look after her. Kate has simply outlived all her friends and family, except me.
I do have one sister but due to losing both her legs she's not able to travel that far, so this is all my responsibility. I keep my sister informed about our aunt, but she just tells me she knows I'll do the right thing. Yep, that's me, old do the right thing Kathy! Does it ever end? Stupid question--I know it's going to end, and forgive me, I hope it's soon for Kate's sake. Imagine being 98 years old, totally dependent on others for every single thing in your life. Kate is absolutely the only other person in my life, except my sister, who has known me ALL of my life, and I will grieve when she goes, for both her and my dad, because I've never really grieved for him. And dammit, I wasn't crying when I started this either!
Thank goodness for all you girls for making a place where we can say anything that comes to mind!
Love you all, Kathy
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(((KATHY)))) Hugs to you. We are holding your cyber hand. What a tough situation. There really isn't one right answer. HUGS!
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And more HUGS Kathy.
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more and more hugs, Kathy
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((Kathy)) You are doing great - your aunt is very lucky to have you. I'm sorry all this is on you, but I remember when my grandmother was in one of those nursing homes near Rockingham (I think it was in Wadesboro) and I remember the people that worked there were wonderful. You will get some good advice - I hope it helps with all the decisions.
You lucky ladies going to the OBX! I have pneumonia - was hoping to wing it and just take off for NC, but too sick right now. I miss NC and wanted to go so bad! So, get down and party and misbehave and all that good stuff!
((Isabella)) I hope the peace can hold through Christmas for you and your grandchildren and the baby. I'm so glad the kids have you in their lives - it makes all the difference. If it wasn't for my grandparents I would have run away from home when I was a teenager, but they kept me grounded. Take care!
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Thanks to all you wonderful people for the hugs---I'm feeling every one of them! HnS, I'd forgotten you knew all about R'ham, Wadesboro, Polkton, Peachland, the whole of hwy 74! At least today there wasn't any roadwork going on anywhere, and that's always a help. I'm so sorry about your pneumonia and hope you'll feel better tomorrow. I'm thinking you're on antibiotics and hope they do their work soon!
DH and I will see what we shall see tomorrow, and hope for the best with Kate. I so wish she wasn't having to go through with this at her age and already fragile health, but at least she's being taken care of in the hospital tonight. Maybe her antibiotics and the fluids will help her and she'll improve. DH stayed home today because we were having a dead tree cut down before it fell and took out the mailbox--good thing too because the wind's really bad tonight and that tree would've been on the ground big time--it looked like the only thing holding it up was the ivy growing on it!
And Isabella, you sound some better today even if you are snowed in right now. I know you're the greatest thing those grandchildren have going for them right now, and I know you know it too! You will get through this, I know you will--just look at all the decisions you've had to make just in the past few months, all of them (I think) exceptionally good ones, too.
Well, I'm thinking that tomorrow will be the last month of 2010 and here's hoping for much better times for us all in 2011! Only for you Outer Banks girls, I know your fun times will start on Friday!! I hope you all have a BIG OLD BLAST, too!!
Love to all of you, Kathy
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ladies, im winded, trying to catch up with the posts.. H&S; did you give me this walking pnemonia i have?? lol its; that season, ladies. if its' around, ill get it.. it really was the croup my grandaughter had. DH just had a cold, me, im in bed, with the nebulizer, the vaporizer, a z pack, some tea, and a good book. toddle out here to catch up from time to time.
i wish that was really true... i AM doing all those things, but also have been seeing thru my good friends possesions, memories, who died over the thanksgiving break.. his bother is here from Mas. and we really ejoyed meeting with him. he's taking our friend to scatter his ashes back in Mass. 2morrow. Sat. we'll be doing a memorial for all our friends here. then, its official..to bed, no dr. appts., nothing till i kick this sucker. im an emotional wreck, and need a rest to face life again at full speed (which is still pretty slow, but steady) lol!
i just so appreciateyou all so much. many days its' what gets me thru..
isabella; i reg. ran away from home to my NANAS when i was little. your GS sounds lovely, helping you out... DD is just herself. i was the hellion in my family for many yrs, but tried to sheld my mum way more than your DD does. am praying for all of you. wrap up tight for winter, love. 3jays
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Kathy - More HUGS from me along with prayers for you whole family. Wish you could take a break for all the responsibilities and run away to the beach with us. Know we will still be here for whatever you need to share, vent, or cry about. I know this is really hard, I was in the same situation with my parents. Dad died in July 2009 and Mom died this past October. Still dealing with all the estate legalities and going through years of stacks of stuff. My heart is with you sweet lady. I know you will make it through this and remember we are here for you. Take care of yourself.
Joy and blessings. Amy Jo
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More hugs to you Kathy...I know what it is like...to love someone so dearly, & you can't help them anymore, other than to just be there. It's okay to cry, dear one..... We are here for you.
I lost my Grandma, after watching her go down-hill every day....& I was also the only one that cared about her....Actually she was my step-Grandma, & I didn't begin to really "love" her, until she became like my "child." After she finally passed away in that nursing home, I lost my Mom, & then my Dad.... But their memories are what we keep closed in our heart! They are always with us...We learn to cherish those memories....so hold your dear Aunt close to you....((((( Kathy)))))
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Oh I tried to post a picture, & it went to the ozone!
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WOO-WOO, Amy Joe, so great to put a face with a name and I am trying very hard to find things to fill time til you'all get here-hurry up!! Max and Angus have the tree decorated and everything!!!
We be ready to PAR-TEE'!!!! Yeehaa. Cept I am on crutches again due to knees-so I be gimping fast after all of you!! Short post-very tired no sleep due to agony of the knees last night-need ZZZ'S to get ready for the invasion! Hugs to all, SV GD we will miss you very much!! And anyone else who wants to come but cannot due to health, etc-get better cause we are already planning another get together-hugs to all, SV And CB, you, the queen of pix posting lost a pix post??
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Oh shut up! Ha! Okay, I'll post a different one!
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Hi there from a very snowy UK. Everything seems to have come to a standstill, trains, planes, buses... all out. Schools and shops shut, hospitals running on skeleton staff....wow, what a bit of snow can do in such a short time. Whole news programes are devoted to snow, its bordering on the ridiculous. Hundreds of people were trapped in their cars last night, and thousands more are not getting to work today ....BUT.... just shufflin' down FB and I see many of those who are complaining they can't get their cars out to get to work have miraculously transported themselves miles from home and are whooping it up sledging and snowballing !!! A whole lot of my family who 'couldn't get to work', were magically 13 miles away from home having a whale of a time !!!! tsk tsk.
This reminds me of a long ago spat I had with DD....15 years ago, in fact. She was living in a nearly new, big double trailer I had put on some land of mine, and I went up to see the G/kids, there were 2 at the time. Very snowy day, very hot and bothered DD comes dashing up to meet me, pulling her boys on what I took to be an old door, or piece of wood she'd found. Oh no, not just ANY OLD DOOR, the little madam had taken the sitting room door off its hinges . FROM THE TRAILER, and made it into a sledge for her boys. I think this was one of her more spectacular stunts !!! I am often asked, in fun, was she changed at birth...but I can't blame that, she was born at home. She's out with all the family today, up in the hills sledging away, yet she rang in work on Monday and said she couldn't get out of her drive. She's even put a video for all to see, and I know work check her FB.
She's running on borrowed time at work. She got a warning not too long ago. She had allowed her youngest boy to take her works 'phone out with him on a night, and he had racked up nearly £800 (about $1,250) of calls in one month. She thought no-one would notice, but they did, and she was in very hot water over this. SIL paid it for her. I've heard that he bought her flowers on Tuesday evening. I bet if he knew what was going on he might have thought twice.
What with the antics of DD, and the weather, at the moment, I am very tempted to sell up and go live somewhere where there is no snow, and the sun shines all day. Then I think again, 'cause I can't leave all my animals behind. I have been carrying bucket after bucket of water to everything today, everything is frozen solid, my back pain is off the Richter scale tonight. G/son didn't turn up, he was another one that managed to go sledging instead of work, but I don't mind, he's due some good times....he is only 18.
Kathy, hope you're managing to get your Aunt sorted. It is heartbreaking when they have no-one, and all falls to you. I lost my Aunt 5 months ago, she had others to help, but they couldn't be bothered!! All the moving them round, and talking to social workers takes no end of your time....I was run ragged for about a year, she was only 85, so your Aunt has done well. Hope it all turns out in a reasonable way for her, and you. I always looked at it thinking 'one day, this will be me, and how would I want to be treated' OMG I might, one day, have to have DD making decisions for me...now there's a real thought. She'll tie a brick to my leg and throw me in the reservoir for sure. Why I couldn't have just gone straight to having G/children, and skipped this layer of 'mad kids' as Granny called them ( I think) I don't know.
Oh no, its just starting to blizzard again, we are forecast to get a bit warmer by Sat/ Sun, so fingers crossed. I have 14-18" where I am, and its drifting.
I am just about to go on internet and shop 'til I drop. I can't see me getting any shopping done for Christmas by car. I did a bit over last w/end, mainly on Amazon, it was due to be delivered yesterday and today, but no way can any delivery vans get to me at the moment. Someone was asking why Black Friday was Black Friday. I have no idea, but we had Manic Monday 2 days ago, so they're probably the same. I think its the busiest time on the net for ordering Christmas presents, but not sure.
Have a lovely time at OBX...lots of photos required, please. SV, just be careful if you're on crutches, don't go getting over excited now !!!
Isabella.
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Thank you all so very much for your encouraging words about my aunt. She's actually looking better but I thought her breathing sounded worse today than yesterday. They had given her lasix for the fluid and she's still on IV antibiotics. I was told it still could go either way, but at least I know she's getting good care and is where she needs to be. You are all treasures to me--having your support means so much! I won't be going tomorrow as we'd promised to keep GS after his dr's appt in the morning---18 month check-up and shots, I'm sure, and DIL and son need to get back to work. Will go back and see Kate on Friday, and I can use a day without a trip as I'm still tired after radiation. Anyhow, got her covered. Her minister and her one remaining first cousin are going tomorrow to see her.
Isabella, I cannot imagine having snow like you have. Here in my part of NC, we're literally paralyzed if we get a couple of inches and the world just stops! There's always a run of bread and milk at the grocery stores if snow is even mentioned in the forecast and those shelves are soon depleted. Even the TV stations devote entire evenings programming to The Weather, reporting that so far, such and such a town has an inch and it's still coming down! We just don't know how to act!
Kathh
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