MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish
Comments
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Carla, something else I just thought of ... my bestest friend in the world didn't exactly rally round when I was dx'd. It bothered me, but I love her so much, I didn't want to dwell on it, 'cause I was afraid of what I'd decide. At some point during treatment, she sent me a card. Just a little funny thing, no big deal. But what she wrote inside ... she said something like "I know I haven't called you much - I figure you have tons of people coming out of the woodwork to help and to sit with you, etc. etc. I was there before your diagnosis, and I'll be there afterward, and always." It hit a note with me
Maybe you have a few friends who feel that way but aren't saying it right now. Just a thought.0 -
Carla; I was allowed to shower too. I was told to pin my drains to an old belt so they didn't have anything pulling on them.
I also bought a wedge for under my pillows; for my bed. You can get them at bed bath & beyond. This way I can sleep more upright. It was suggested by a friend who is also a survivor. Best piece of advice I've gotten.
I agree too about the friends thing. I had to call then, tell them where I was art, educate them on what was happening to me and ask for their help. They were scared for me, didn't know what to say, how I'd react if they asked questions; they can't read my mind, so I had to ask. Once I did they were totally there.0 -
Thank you all for the feedback on being able to shower and the ideas for handling the drains. I was picturing 7-10 days without a shower and it wasn't pretty.
Juneaubugg, the wedge sounds like a great idea. I will check out bed, bath and beyond tomorrow. I live in the Tampa Bay area of Florida, so Isaac is having some fun outside today here.
Marlegal, 7 year survivor is awesome. I hope you had a huge celebration on the 24th.
Two days to go, and getting a little nervous.
I hope you all have a wonderful Monday.
Carla
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I have been helping a friend of someone who just went through a bmx. Helping her to understand where her friend is at has helped both of them. Our friends don't know what to do or say, and as most of us know, it doesn't have to be something insensitive to send us into a crying spell. Cancer leaves everyone feeling helpless, and some people deal with that by backing off. I don't say that justifies the abandonment, but it may explain some of it.
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I've just finished my second round of chemo and I too have had good friends run for the hills. Hurt. I think some can't deal with my cancer because I remind them of someone they loved who didn't make it, others can't face the fact that if I can get it so can they. Others just don't know what to say to me. Now here's the good part ... The most amazing people have stepped up. People I would never have expected to have been there for me. So forgive the ones who run and trust that others will indeed step up for you. Trust your heart in this journey. Its what is getting me down the golden path to health.
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Thank you all. The ones that have disappeared are the ones I would have never expected. Others, like my mother in law have stepped up. This journey will not only change the physical, but as I am learning every aspect of life. As Wednesday approaches, nerves and concentration abandoning me, but my kitten is by my side,and unusually affectionate.
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(((((butterfly))))) Animals can be so intuitive. Good luck to you. May it all go well. Kudos to your MIL.
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My reticent brother called me every week during treatment. Sometimes we'd be on the phone for 5 minutes, sometimes for 2 hours. He's not a phone person and had never done that before, and hasn't done it since, but man did I look forward to those phone calls
I missed them when they stopped, but it was one of those things under the heading "for a season or a reason". He was there for a season, for a reason, and then we moved on. I hope all of you starting down this path have enough people helping you out, holding you up, and making you laugh!0 -
When I first found out that I had cancer another woman at church had it as well. At first we both were facing different issues even though we both had breast cancer. She was going thru chemo as I was going thru surgeries. Then it turned vise versa. I got thru surgeries chemo and tamoxifen with the normal issues. She on the other hand had issue after issue. Chemo was not good to her and the surgeries left her with problems as well. We would talk and compare notes. As I was finishing chemo she was having her last surgery and it wasn't good for her. She had problems and had to put surgery off a few times. Heres the part I know that a lot of you are going to gasp at. When I finished chemo and was starting to feel better and she wasn't, I would try to avoid her. It's not that I didn't want to be around her, I did. I just felt so much guilt that I was going thru this whole process, just having the normal SE all the while she really was put thru the ringer. I felt that being around her would somehow upset her and thats not what I wanted to do. For all I know it could have never even bothered her to see me, but in my mind that was how I saw it. But in the end I did get over myself and stopped avoinding her because I know that all of us are different and how we react to treatment.
I know the one person who really blew me off was my sissy. Her and I have always been close and for her to do that to me really hurt. Parts of me think because I was a reminder for her, and what she had to go thru. When she went thru chemo it was awful for her. One day that all changed, because I think that she dealt with whatever she had to deal with and got over it and was able to talk with me about SE and such.
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It hurts when the people we expect the most to bear with us are the ones who let us down. I console myself that i have a whole lot other people who are solidly beside me, but still. I dont know if i can still accept them like before.
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Paula, I was sitting here nodding my head reading your post and I didn't gasp. I knew your logic without you even saying it!! You would feel guilty for getting through it all in okay shape, and it might seem like you were rubbing her nose in your good fortune! But, you did rec-connect which was very brave of you.
Also Paula, you wouldn't get an oncotest as you had postive nodes. You were getting chemo no matter what!
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A friend of mine found this article and sent it to me in a series of Hallmark cards. One card after the other arrived with this man's message, bless her. It helped me so much that this morning I searched the internet and found the article so that I could share it with you. May God bless Jeff. His words will help and inspire many ... and he's only 28!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html
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Katharine, thanks for posting. Jeff is an astute young man. I have to disagree on one point though, about the crying. I would not want to cry in front of others. It happened once for me, but otherwise not.
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Good lord, I cry at Hallmark and Publix commercials. But crying cause I had cancer was something I did alone. and it took me awhile, guess after the shock wore off. But what I get is that you can't hide your emotions--don't let other people think you are "tough" and "strong" ALL the time. Its ok to let others know that you're unhappy with the hand you were dealt, (not total strangers tho! )And if they can't take your emotions, then who is the stronger one?
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CMbear, I get the principle of that, but it still seems like imposing on others to do that. To me anyway. I am not sure to whom one can really do that. I have joked with my husband that various aspects of the cancer thing sucked, certainly, but I have not dwelled on it. That is the only person I can really think of, to whom I could express something like that.
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Momine, I would guess that you've handled other issues in a similar way. I'm like Claire, I cry about lots of things, and in front of lots of people. I didn't go around during treatment telling many people what I was feeling/fearing, but I did have a few I could confide in. If I hadn't I would have exploded, no question! But that's my style ... always has been. My co-workers never saw that side, I did keep it together in there. That was very important to me and I was proud of holding it together in work through treatment. With my closest friends and family though, I was way more honest with those I knew could handle it. We're all different - there is no right or wrong way to go through this. It has to feel right to us, and respectful of others. If we aim for that, things generally work out.
Hugs to those in treatment now ... wasn't fun, but hopefully it does the job
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I can vividly recall at least one instance of PDC (public display of crying) during this latest assault on my breast, and it was when I had worn the Contura balloon for 3-4 hurtful days, started the sim. for it and then got told I didn't have enough skin clearance to actually have that method of radiation. I was so frustrated, I lost it right there in the room with the 100K+ $$ rads equipment. I could tell the tech became very uncomfortable; but it would have more been his place to make me feel comfortable (which he did not) than for me to be worrying about him at that point. I always have the assumption that tears are an everyday occurence in places like that. Wrong!
Allow me to share another story: Some years ago, I was at another Breast Center, getting an US and being told I had to get an excisional biopsy of what was thought to be a benign lump*. I started to cry when I heard the word "excisional" knowing it would be a whole surgical deal. The nurse said, "Honey, no one said you have cancer." I blubberingly clarified the cause of my tears, "No, but they are CUTTING ON MY SKIN." In the land of B/C, almost all of the non-B/C conditions are thought of as reasons to jump for joy. (I can see that side of it very well now.) But anyway, I also blubbered, "Well, this is a Breast Center. You surely must have people crying in here on a daily basis!" She said women rarely cried there, but she suspected they waited until they got home. Judging by the embarassed, pitying looks I got from several staff members, I'm sure she was telling the truth. One kind nurse came down the hall, wordlessly set a box of Kleenex on the chair next to me, and carried on about her business. Now THAT was the proper response, IMO On one hand, I guess very many people are stoic about it, or don't want to draw attention to themselves with a PDC; on the other hand, if I designed a Breast Center, my blueprints would include a Crying Alcove, just for the ones that do want to let it out.
*Oh, and the lump. That one was Stromal Hyperplasia, otherwise known as fat cells gone wild.
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After wring that last post, I went back to my home page, then hit the refresh button. Poof! It removed this thread from My Favorites. That has happened to me a few times before. Weird, isn't it?
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I cry easily. Those damn humane society comercials? Tears. A sad movie/book/tv show? Tears. Strangly, tho, I did not cry when I got my dx, or during any of my treatments, telling family and cow-workers, not even the hated snb injections. But when I go in for my LE treatments (which really feel good) I cry. My LE therapist just ignores it.
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Hi elimar, I've had to add this thread a couple of times as one of my favourites when it disppeared too - wonder why that is? Does anyone else look at the member count and seeing those numbers creeping up means so many more of us looking for support, help and each other? Cath
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Marlegal, that makes sense, and I think you are right. I did have lunch with my aunt recently, who has stage 4 cancer, and she did admit that she dreads the scans, and we agreed that parts of having cancer are scary. Then we moved on to other things, lol.
I only cry about something sad, if I am alone.
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I cried on table after biopsy when Dr said she was very concerned about one of the lumps - she was pretty sure it was cancer. She did have a nurse come in prior to telling me this to "hold my hand" as the biopsy was a bit painful. The nurse stayed with me until I was ok to leave. (my sister was there also). It was nice to have someone of the medical profession there with a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.
I have been a crier for a few years though. Weddings, funerals, movies, books, commercials and sometimes just because. Sad tears and happy tears - they all flow freely.
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OMG- I cry all the time. It's crazy. I wish I could hold it back sometimes. Its almost embarrassing.
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My last Stereotactic CNB, I started to cry, once I was positions and "secured" the young intern monitoring the process asked why I was crying. I told her I didn't want to go through IT again. She brought me tissues and wiped my eyes since I could not move. I thought that was so sweet.
Last night I was visiting a friend who is also a survivor. She and I share the love of quiltmaking, and she was showing me some prayer quilts she had been making for BC patients. She went on to tell me about a project she had done in years passed for mothers who had lost babies. I burst into tears and she thought it was because we had been discussing BC. It is amazing the things that we can hold in so long and how good it feels to get it out.
I have been a crier for 27 years now. I cry at Barsco's list as well.
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I had to see a Physchiatrist due to one of the drugs I was on last year. He pretty much FORCED me to cry at each appointment. I would say "Oh MAN! You're going to make me cry again today, aren't you?" He just shook his head and said HE wasn't going to make me cry. After six months of crying he applauded my progress. He said you have to really make the BOO HOO sound as well or you aren't really experiencing the emotion. I went home and one night and as I cried I made the BOO HOO sound and DH looked at me really surprised. I stopped and said that Dr. M. told me I had to do it that way. We both burst out laughing!!! hehehehhehehe Dr. M. also pointed out how lucky I was to be able to let the emotions out! He said people PAY to get that feeling with sad books and movies!! I got it for FREE!!!! Woo hoo!!! (not boo hoo!!) ehhehehehehehhe
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Well, I certainly made the BOO HOO sound the other night. It even surprised me. My friend probably thought I was a lunatic.
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all this talk about crying. I am not much of a crier, never have been really. My son died in 1995 and I shed so many tears I thought I would eventually shrivel up. But for me it is really feeling a depth of emotion and not much gets me to that kind of depth to cry. I guess I have always tried to control my emotions too much, I have 7 brothers so when I cried as a girl they of course would call me a crybaby. I wanted to hang with the guys. When I was dx with BC that was the end of Sept and I did not cry until Christmas eve. By this time I was in pain from rads and everything just finally hit me. I had a friend with me and just had the biggest boohoo cry.
So on a brighter note I had my exchange surgery last week and had my post op with my PS on Tuesday. He was thrilled with his work. In his words "I nailed it" and he did. I have to say my foobs look great! DH just wants to keep touching them because he can't believe how great they look and how real they feel. Looking forward to buying some really pretty bra's. I go back to work on Tuesday but can't seem to stay awake much. Hope that gets better over the weekend.
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Sherryc, Just use this week and weekend to sleep off everything your body went through with the surgery. If you do, I think you will be o.k. for work next week. No heavy Labor Day partying, sorry. Shopping for pretty bras is o.k., tho'. I am so, SO happy about this latest part of your B/C journey. You are getting a lot of positive feedback on your new glorious girls. That has got to feel good.
I'm waiting for butterfly14 to check in. Hope all went smoothly with her BMX yesterday. I remember the anesthesia made me feel like a spud the next day, so it might be another day or so til she feels like hitting the keys. Speedy recovery to you, butterfly14, but take all the rest you need.
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Thought of the day (and informal poll):
So, I read about B/C survivor Giuliana Rancic having her baby, and I believe she had BMX, with recon. and I know it would not be possible to breast feed. THEN, I started to think about my own history, that years before my own kids, I had an excisional biopsy near to my nipple but I was able to breastfeed with no problem EXCEPT in that particular breast I did get mastitis.
I have no idea which duct or ducts actually had the mastitis (infection) but it would be weird if that turned into my ductal B/C.
So my poll question is, did anyone have a history of ever having mastitis on their B/C side?
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Hi elimar. I had mastitis with a couple of my chn but can't recall which side. The reason why I am writing is because my BC all started with mastitis when my youngest was 5 and we were on vacation in Seattle. I went to the ED and they checked me out, gave me antibiotics and sent me out with an information sheet which included the words 'may lead to cancer'. That freaked me out no end and when we got back to NZ I was checked out by my GP and then had a mammogram and ultrasound that showed nothing. About five months after the all clear I developed what looked like ezcema on my nipple which would seemingly come right and then start again. I went to my GP several times and got new creams to try and over a year later I found the lump. The diagnosis was Paget's Disease of the Nipple and the rest is history. When they looked back at my mammograms there was definitely no sign of it at that early stage. Mastitis is always something to be investigated, esp in a non breast feeding woman. Cath
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