The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Wow Karie, I'm speechless!
On my diagnosis, I told an older man in the office beside me. He brushed me off with the 'oh a lot of lumps are nothing' and 'breast cancer is just a chronic disease now adays.' I left his office without saying anything. A month later his DIL was diagnosed with breast cancer! Wow!!! What a different tune he was singing then! I had enough guts to remind him what he said. He was stunned at his ignornace.
Barbe 1 Brian 0
But then, at the Relay for Life that year, his family raised $20,000 which was rather impressive.
Barbe 1 Brian 20,000
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Well, Barbe, it looks like you can't fix stupid but you can fix ignorance.
Sometimes we have to figure out if the dumb things people say are because they really don't know since they haven't learned it, or if they are because they WON'T learn it.
Leah
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good point, leah - i think back to pre-bc and i was probably in the ignorant (i hope - rather than stupid) catagory.
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I know I am in the ignorant catagory. I am here because a very close friend was just diagnosed w/bc. I am one of those that never knows the right thing to say; but really, really, don't want to say the wrong thing. Reading this thread...I can't say I know the right thing to say now...but I sure know some things I WON'T be saying to her to show my support.
My admiration to all you ladies!!0 -
mcneal, mostly what we want is for people to sincerely say 'I'm so sorry you are going through this!' That's it. No promises that everything will be okay. You don't know that! No pity either.
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My pet peeve is when people feel that THEY can tell your story when you've told them things in confidence as a CLOSE friend. I was dx in 2009 and just attended a HUGE BBQ/PARTY. My good friend's NEIGHBOR (a guy - I know he and his wife as acquaintances) says How are you feeling? "Fine, I'm Fine." and then I moved away as another acquaintance says "Was something wrong?" Why does this friend feel she has the right to discuss my disease, let alone my treatment (mx) with perfect strangers.
At work I kept my condition confidential and other coworkers may or may not have figured anything out, but lately I feel I wish I'd kept my mouth shut to everyone except my immediate family. People feel so free to ask - even saying "did you have to have a mastectomy?" Who would ask that of anyone?
I personally think that there are a couple of things which are always RIGHT to do - 1) say, I'm sorry and if I can make you a meal, or help you in any way I'd like to do so; 2) listen without much comment; and 3) whatever you hear, treat it as that person's information - only SHE has the right to tell her story to others. Thanks for listening! Kathy
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Thanks, Barbe and Kathy. I do hope that I can do right by my friend. I'll be there for her. And I'm a very good listener.
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Geez, Karie!!!! That is crazy!
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thought it might be time for the bus.. throw em if ya got im ladies!!!! 3jays 0 -
I just came back from spending a wonderful weekend with my three sisters. We were talking about an old friend of our mother, who has been diagnosed with lymphoma but is refusing treatment, and wondering why. We decided that it is probably because she is from a generation that thinks that being treated for cancer is worse than the disease. One of the girls said "but look at Karin, she had chemo and she got through it ok". Another sister responded, "yes, and look, it made her pretty". I was speechless, wondering how bad I looked before all this happened.
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Mcneal06--keep in mind that we know that most people make stupid comments out of ignorance, and we forgive them. Then we come here to vent and rant and rave about it and have some fun. My cousin was a great help to me when I was in active treatment. She lived in Michigan, I live in Maine. She called me every evening, just to say "Hi" and let me talk. Some days I talked about bc, some days we talked about our furbabies, some days I cried, and some days we didn't say much at all. She always follwed my lead, which was exactly what I needed. She never offered advice, she asked questions that showed she was truly listening and trying to understand, she supported every decision I made or wanted to make, even when they were bad or I changed my mind a million times. When I was mad at a doc, she was mad with me. When I was happy with something, she was happy with me. She said she loved me. It made all the difference.
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Nativemainer- exactly right!! The folks in my world, including my coworkers, revel in my good news and give me hugs when it is bad news....and that is about it. They listen if I need to talk and offer up help but don't push. For me, that is the best thing because at different times this year, I have felt like my life is not my own at all and that I hav eno control over anything. They have given me back some of that feeling by letting me lead the way.
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Especially at work, people say I look great. And ask how I'm doing. I really try to smile and "act" normal most of the time. But today, I did close my office door and lie down twice. I just don't have the energy today, to be UP all day. I really don't mind them saying I look great, because that's the way I'm trying to project myself.
jane
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Boy, am I glad I jumped into this forum - if it doesn't make you laugh you would cry over the things people say!
I work with an egotistical, self centered b****. We work as dispatchers 24/7 in shifts. When she heard about my DX she texted me about how sad she was for me & if there was anything...blah, blah, blah and then ended with "Can you swap next Tues with me because I don't have childcare!" After politely saying "No" she texted 3 MORE times each time with "but I don't have childcare!"
3jaysmom - love the bus - can I throw this girl under it please?????
nativemainer - sounds like you have a real best friend! I'm fortunate to have some of those too!
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"but I don't have childcare!"??? I would have been tempted to say "you should have thought about that before having children." or "but I have cancer!" 3jays--we need the bus!0
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I should have added, my surgery will be sometime this month - just waiting to get the date. It will be a BM with TE for reconstruction. I like your retort NativeMainer!
Thank you to everyone in this forum - what a weird sisterhood.....but a good one!
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ask, and you shall recieve.. gotta luv you guys!!! 3jays 0
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Thank you - thank you! I love that!
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wickwack - i once said last fall "Sorry...radiation beats soccer"....my colleague is being much more accomodating this go around with the schedule. I gave him a full copy of my schedule of dr. appointments this month and so he scheduled me in....should work this time...
My ex said yesterday "Everything happens for a reasons:...he was talking abou this own life situation and it is something we used to say when things seemed random an dou tof our control...to make us feel better I imagine... my repsonse this time was a vehement " hell no!!! I did Not get breast cancer for any reason other than it is random"....can't believ GOD would give women such a horrible disease to contend with
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Sandeeonher - I think I have a bit of a different take on my DX. My DH of 33 years went through medical hell when he was 40 from diabetes complications. He has had kidney & pancreas transplants (but not before he almost didn't make the surgery!), went blind for 2 years but 1 eye was mostly restored, almost died from a staph infection - on & on but today he is well & we thank God for that. I almost feel that maybe we went through all that to prepare me for this. It was a learning experience, putting it mildly for sure, and I ended up after all was said & done having anxiety attacks. This was after he was all better - about 9 yrs total of being his health advocate & caretaker. My wonderful PCP put me on Lexapro - I'm sure having this med has helped me tremendously in dealing with this.
I was DX after a routine mammo, no BC in my family, blindsided but after the fog lifted I went into action making an appt at Dana-Farber. I will be having a BM with TE reconstruction sometime this month. I'm just waiting for the Dr to call with the date.
So I must politely disagree with you about God giving women such a horrible disease after what I saw my courageous husband go through. And he never ONCE said "why me?" He is my hero.
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wickwack; it creeps us all of us, these diseases, they come from nowhere. your family has been thru so much!!! my thoughts are with you now, stay strong... 3jays
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The night before my DMX all of my aunts called me....the first few just kept telling how I needed to get right with God before the surgery! Thanks for the vote of confidence that I'm not right with God. The last aunt told me all about the last 5 women who had died from breast cancer at her church. I really did not know what to say. I was already so scared, just said I've got to go now. I wish people knew sometimes they just don't need to say anything at all!
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I think breast cancer really hits a woman hard, because besides it being 'cancer', if has a significant impact on how we view ourselves physically and sexually. It chews holes in our breasts and for many, breasts are replaced by silicone, so we now have no feeling in them. Chemo makes our hair fall out, it's like pouring draino into our bodies, which tries to age us rapidly and then radiation fries our remaining breast tissue.....and then we get to take pills which strip us of our female hormones.
I find more women than men are the nucleus of a family and when that strength and guidance wavers, it effects all in the family. WE get unwanted advice from complete strangers and comments from those around us that mostly would be best left unsaid.
I know before I had my DM three months ago my husband said 'you have worked so hard to keep your body in shape - can you live with this decision?'
Hell yes, because I want to live and not constantly have a cancer cloud over my head tring to rain on my parade!
Sometimes I think the only person who understands me is Jaki, and she's a dog though don't tell her.......
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While I was waiting for my bone scan yesterday, a couple started talking to me. (I made eye contact - my mistake!) It turned out that she had had breast cancer as well. Typically Canadian, she had NO idea what type or grade. Just that it was invasive. I think everyone gets told that so the women will do what the docs say! I've never met a Canadian woman off this forum that knows what kind of cancer she had!!
Anyway, the point is that she told me she knew why she got her breast cancer. Really? I said, what was it?? Here is this large, overweight 56 year old woman who told me that her mother said it was 'because I didn't breast feed my kids". I almost jumped out of my chair!! "Well, you tell your mother she's a fukcking idiot!! I breast fed both my kids, had them young and I'm sitting here with breast cancer and NO breasts!!" I was furious for her!!! She went white and said "Really?" For the last 3 years she'd been blaming herself because of what her mother said!
I asked if her mother breast fed her. "No, but at lot of people in her family have cancer." Great! I said, you tell her that I said that you have cancer because of HER not breastfeeding YOU and because of her GENES!!!!! I was pissed!!!!! The husband was floored and I think pretty happy that he could spin this story around. I even talked about PTSD and they both nodded thier heads. I got a grand 'bye' when it was my turn for the machine. Made me feel good!
One more educated!
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I didn't realize how much I missed you guys until I read the last million pages to catch up....big hugs....gonna just sit here and read
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It's about bloody time you showed up Annette!!! Where the hell have you been???
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Oops, sorry, I meant:
Hello again Annette! How nice of you to drop in. You've been missed...
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I was very young girl when my grand aunt (born 18--) said to me: "Don't ever in your life let a man kissing your boobies otherwise you will get breast cancer!« I laughed at her, meaning you poor old spinster ...but after 50 years getting BC this telling crossed my mind.
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Well, if that was the case, I could name a few women that I know should have breast cancer!! Too funny slousha. Amazing that they were so prudish in those days...poor men! AND women!!
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justagirl - Yes I agree with you 100%
slousha - When I got pregnant with my first child my grandmother (RIP) said "Don't raise your arms over your head" and "Don't pray for anyone." Ok........I've been married for 33 years to a wonderful man who loves my breasts - so I guess I shouldv'e gotten BC many, many years ago!
barbe1958 - you are very funny! But what's sad is how naive & ignorant some women are to believe such a thing in this day & age!
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