The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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OK the one where you look too good at stage IV even to get sympathy made me laugh out loud! Maybe they should send us to how to look sick and pathetic classes along with the stupid art therapy that I see offered. And of course you chose this to get sympathy after all. OMG!
And Cancer Lady? Really? That's nice. Is that like Avon Lady? Does he want a free sample? What a jerk!
I may do the pink thing when it's all over but it's not a sorority. Love you guys but I am not thrilled to join and don't want a bumpersticker but don't want to offend those that do. AND just because you gave me an angel, pink ribbon pin etc. Don't get mad that I prefer to wear real jewelry that looks and feels good instead.
I keep getting stuffed in the same room at the clinic. It has a little round table, 4 chairs and a pink ribbon tissue box in the center of the table. Like it's hard to guess what is discussed in this room.
I also agree with brave/strong thing. We didn't choose this! We wouldn't choose this! Morons. If I signed up to be a nurse in Iraq that is brave. I am just me in a bad situation doing what I have to. I am not a Lifetime Movie.
One more. My sisters reaction was. OMG! Get tested for that gene right away. I may have it and not know it! She has always been the center of the universe.
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You know one of the things that people have said to me which i hate is " so do you look at things differently now and has this changed your in any way of thinking about things " !!!!!!! i want to say " yeah this cancer has changed me in to a supper human and i walk around now thinking everyone and everything is just Rosy and beautiful and Ive got this calm peaceful Ora around me""
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I had to laugh, in that sort of ironic, non-funny way, when someone upthread mentioned being annoyed at all the people who want to give tips about the "anti-cancer" eating regime.
When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer in 1983, (I was 27 at the time), I was a single parent (my Starter Husband left just before the diagnosis for another woman).
My daughter's day care provider was a woman who lived in a tidy little farm house just on the edge of town. Of course, I told her of my diagnosis and that I was scheduled for surgery, etc etc. She had all these books on macro-biotic eating and how it will cure cancer, yada yada yada. She wanted me to do some sort of intense food regime instead of surgery.
Of course, I said, "thanks, but no thanks" and thought that was the end of it.
Well, the day before my surgery, I went to pick my daughter up, and the woman and her friends tried to literally kidnap me. They took my car keys and started a marathon "intervention." At first I was incredulous. Then I was frightened. It became clear to me that these people were more than just harmless, hippy nature-loving freaks, they were a cult of some kind!
I was there for almost 4 hours before I managed to get my keys and my daughter and leave. It was one of the most frightening moments of my life, and I was a soldier in Korea, who was trained in how to handle an interrogation!
So now, today, whenver I hear or read of people going off on the cancer diet, I shudder inside. I hvae no doubt that what we eat matters, but it's simply not the cure or preventative that is claimed.
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Sorry to keep adding to this but it is very theraputic to get it all out.
For the record: Yes I was a party girl in my 20s. Yes I have smoked things including ciggarrettes. Yes I eat chocolate from time to time. Yes I sometimes have a temper. Yes, I could eat better.
NO I did no cause myself to get cancer from any of those things! It is not my fault, it is not fate and while I am at it. God didn't have anything to do with it either. Puh-leeze!
If those things gave me cancer then explain, Courtney Love, Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, etc etc etc. They seem fine! Stop trying to make everything someones fault, it doesn't help.
And you are right, just because you read an article doesn't make you smarter than my doctor and isn't a replacement for real medical treatment. Of course we are reading everything we can.
Totally cracking up about how you view things differently. That will have me smiling the rest of the day. Maybe I am not there yet. When people say they appreciate the little things and each day is a gift etc. Good for you, really but believe me when I tell you that I ALREADY appreciate my life and right now I just want it back.
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cornellalum
You made my day, cannot stop laughing , my landlord told me yesterday how brave I was, wish I had read your comment before.0 -
Thanks Mary and everyone else for the brave comments! I have a friend that has said that to me a few times, each time I've responded that I don't understand what she means. I honestly didn't get it!
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Another type of cancer, related to cancer diets etc,.
Father-in-law had Prostate Cancer, was in hospital locally, his S.O. had him on Gershon diet and many herbs and alternatives.
While I searched the 'net for anything I could find to help him and also find out what the research was on these things she was making him endure, she told me straight up that she didn't want me to tell him anything that would stop him from following her advice.
"He will not die of Prostate cancer, I will cure him," she stated.
He did, she didn't and he died five months later.
That's also what the GP she took him to who put him on the Gershon diet told him too. F-i-l had no evidence of disease, although had had prostate surgery and rads. Due to rads in that area he had 'fissures' which had to be cauterised every few weeks.
"You will not die of Prostate cancer if you follow this regime," she promised. She was a highly qualified medico with degrees in biology and psychiatry, but she couldn't cure him.
He spent his last months eating raw foods, juicing vegetables and getting his insides sewn up after his rear end nearly disintergrated from being scoured by this diet.
I tried to tell him about the information I found but in the end he did what his lady said and paid for it with less quality and quantity of life.
Sheila.
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Sheila, how very sad. But being a highly qualified medico with degrees in biology and psychiatry (!) doesn't make one any smarter about cancer...my heart breaks for you and your SO.0
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Shelia, I work in the healthcare field here. There is a doc right across the hall from me who believes in all that stuff. He's never said a word to me, thank God or I would clock him. I've found just because someone has some smartness to get a degree doesn't mean they have a lick of common sense.
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I love reading through this thread.. some people- I tell ya.
Ezscriiibe-omg! I can't believe they did that to you! good thing you got your daughter & yourself outta there safely!
Sheila - I'm so sorry, that is very sad.
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Okay, I had read this thread a week ago and just could not believe how cruel people can be. Yeah, I thought I would be prepared when the idiot inevitably got me....but no such luck. My third day back to work the Janitor sees me and says "Oh, I just about didn't recognize you the other day with your haircut and the weight you've gained." People, this was my THIRD day back to work after being off 5 MONTHS for mastectomy/chemo. He thinks maybe my hair should have grown back in the 5 wks since my last chemo and that I obviously didn't realize I had gained weight and really needed him to point that out to me?!!! Sorry to say, friends, I dropped the ball...I didn't measure up.....I let you down. I stood there looking at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed and then mumbled something and fled. Edited to add......By the way....my "haircut" is a wig and although it's not my pre-chemo style, I think it looks pretty dang good! and think people should really realize that a girl just doesn't go through chemo & come out of it with a head full of hair! From an earlier upthread ......"Here's your sign!"
So, now I anxiously await your ideas for what I SHOULD have said...maybe that will make me feel better, 'cause I'm still flinching over that one.....Sigh
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Psalm121, he's a real Tony, it is only now that I manage to get a good retort in. At that point I would have reacted exactly the same way as you. A few weeks ago a new comer to church commented on my compression sleeve - is the breast cancer? 'Well actually;' I said, 'it was the removal of the lymph nodes,' I replied. 'Is it behind you now' she says. I just looked at her for a moment and then said, 'I didn't know that's where I had to look for it.' 'Silly me. she says, I was a nurse' . By the way Psalm121 that is my favouriote Psalm.
Have cousin who I thought would be great support but barely contacted me during treatment and when I spoke to her after finding a lump in the chest wall last year, I had to comfort her. I just can't be bothered.
And what was the Cancer lady selling?
Thanks for making me smile but some people are just idiots.
Alyson
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Alyson:
There's just no accounting for some people's total lack of class, is there? I'm a very easy-going person and I love to laugh, especially at myself, but that one I just couldn't laugh off. And for you to be approaced at church like that? By a medical professional, no less!! Momma always said "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I love my Momma! She taught us well...if only others had the same upbringing I had!
Guess what? My MIL just now called and told me to get me a new wig, one that is not too blond and with some curl in it, because the one I have now is "just NOT you"! She even told me I should go online & look at "Paula Young" wigs 'cause that's where she got hers when she had chemo for lung cancer. Oh and her hair was already "REALLY THICK" by 30 days after HER last chemo. Please God, give me strength. Obviously, I am just being too sensitive and just need to pull up the big-girl panties and let people tell me how fat, lazy and un-natural I look and be okay with it?
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Psalm 121 -You apologized "sorry to say, friends, I dropped the ball...I didn't measure up.....I let you down. I stood there looking at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed and then mumbled something and fled." But there is no need for apologies - most of us are struck dumb by the remarks made to us and don't have a good retort. This thread is full of suggestions on what might have been said and what could be said the next time (g-d forbid) it happens again or when it happens to someone else. There are very few who have managed to come up with a great come-back at the time and for those ladies, I have great admiration - and thank them for sharing with us their triumphs!!
Julie E
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Psalm121, I second Julie E's note--most of the time we react exactly the same way you did, then we come here and say what we wish we could have thought of or dared to say at the time. You didn't let any of us down, this is our refuge where we come to vent and rant and scream and cry with people who will understand. Yeah, people mean well, yeah, they don't understand how hurtful they are being, most of time we try not to let on that it upsets up, but it does. So we come here and let it out so we can go on being kind to the next dufus that says something stupid and hurtful.
Now, moving on to possible retorts to the weight gain comments--perhaps we should start telling people that we've been in a clinical trial--"I choose the breast cancer trial so I would have an excuse to gain weight." or "My doctor warned me that loosing too much weight too fast would cause the cancer to come back." or "Well, I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable by looking as sick as I really am, I thought this would be better."
As to the MIL whose hair was "really thick" 30 days after chemo, I would want to say "I'm so glad you were able to get the lite version of chemo--it must have been nice to have had a mild case of cancer. Wish I had beent hat lucky." Of course, that would cause all kinds of family issues, I'm sure. but it would be nice to see the look on her face.
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I've been dealing with lower back pain and spasms this week. Today a woman at the Y said that her grandmother had the same pain and kept getting epidural shots but they didn't work. Two weeks later she died from pancreatic cancer. WTF!!?? About an hour later she came to me and apologized because she realized all I have been through and felt so awful that she relayed that story to me. Every ache and pain I panic that it's mets. Well, I adore this gal and she's a smart cookie so I just gave her a hug and told her if it was anyone else I would have slugged them but realized she was just trying to engage me.
Michele - an intervention??? So scary. I had a gyn tell me to meditate about the tumor in my uterus 5+ years ago and it would go a away. She was also macrobiotic. Needless to say she's no longer my gyn and the uterus is gone, gone, gone. I have my oopherectomy next week.
Psalm 21 - no apologies needed here
Just come here for relief and laughs. There are so many Tony's in the world - they are janitors, PHDs, coworkers, friends and the women married to them have a real challenge or become just like them. Who needs them. This is my favorite thread on this board.0 -
I know, bobcat, based on my own experience, those macrobiotic people are scary!
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I let most comments roll off my back because I know people have the best intentions and don't really know what to do or say, but the one I just heard from a co-worker is the one we have all heard....."you have cancer? My grandpa had it last year and died".......WTH? How can anyone really think that is being helpful or connecting and I can't count how many people have said that to me. I want to think of a funny retort for that one :> Maybe I could shoot back with something like "boy, you really cheered me up!" or "can I call you when I need some inspiration?" LOL!!!
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I've had people assume that I will go on the cancer walks now. NO, you're going on it for ME! Duh.
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Hey Chainsaw,
How about "WOW, that really gives me hope, thanks." Then avoid person at all cost (and eye contact)
Barbe1958" I know I'm a newbie but sometimes I think people that have not been through it and do not have cancer, don't get it.
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Chasing, we KNOW that people who have not been through it don't get it...
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I have been back to work for about 10 days and a co-worker asked me today if I was wearing a bra. Are you kidding??? I have on a blouse, a blazer and so what would make you even ask???
Another co-worker told me that if I would meditate I probably would never had to deal with this "situation" -- I guess the "situation" is cancer, UGH.
In general I know people do not know what to say but the do not say anything at all rule should just apply.
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I think a lot of these comments are comparable to me going up to a new mom and saying, "boy, what an ugly baby! I bet you'll be glad when she grows enough to look cute!"
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Native - you have the best comebacks!! I love your sense of humour.
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yeah, I agree, NativeMaiiner....or you know the person with the mole that you try not to stare at.....it would be like saying....."If you meditated, you would never have gotten that nasty mole on your face.....or "if you had just eaten your vegetables instead of all that processed, sweetened stuff, maybe you woudn't have such bad acne."....etc, etc!!
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Thanks! I just wish I had the guts to actually USE the comebacks that pop into my warped mind. . .
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I don't know if it's the tamoxifen/hot flashes/moodiness or what, but I am increasingly hearing myself say things I would have only thought before. So if I say something to mean & offensive, maybe I'll have an out.....?! Maybe?0
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Sound reasonable to me--but then, I'm in chemical menopause, so I am by definition NOT reasonable!
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I'm not very reasonable, or patient, or tolerant.....hmmm, I'm reminding myself of some of the ladies I work with that are menopausal. If I get frustrated or stressed...major hotflash!
So maybe next time some dummy says something totally insensitive to me....I'll be more quick-witted and let 'em have it!
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dumbest thing ever said, "well it's a good thing you're losing them at 45, it's not like you were going to breastfeed or anything again"
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