The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Hi,
I remember when i was first diagnosed a relative of my husband said to me"dont worry death is just another experience". (thanks for the positive attitude). Another person said to me oh no your going the same way as your poor sister did. (totally ignorant and selfish i say)
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flmgkat - just saw you on the news!!
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Someone should write a book!!!
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Yeah, I hate the "lucky they caught it early" line, too. And have I been lucky that "they" caught it early 2 more times?!? What kind of luck is that?
Anyway, my latest "I can't believe someone just said that to me" reaction came after hearing the following from a breast cancer survivor. Bear in mind that I have had breast ca 2 times as a primary, then a metastatic recurrence to the chest wall; I have a port, and a very short haircut after losing my hair with chemo last year. She said, in essence, that she looked around at other people experiencing cancer and thought, "I am not like those people; I don't have to do chemo, I won't lose my hair, I'm not wearing a turban, I don't have a port; I don't have to really worry about getting cancer again." I did not know whether to feel sympathy for her because she is so naive, or ask her who she thought was sitting in front of her if not one of "those people"!
Now I feel almost amused, but underneath that I am apalled. I guess when "others" separate themselves from "us" they can enjoy a false sense of security!
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"I guess when "others" separate themselves from "us" they can enjoy a false sense of security!"
Spot on, Brenda
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Okay I was just told on another forum that I need to move to a different one because my DX changed - I am so offended. I think I should be allowed to be where I am comfortable and feel supported!! And from one of our fellow sisters - ARGH
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Olivia, you are so right. I have been bouncing around various discussion boards, looking for the one where I "belong", and it occurs to me that we are all sisters in this fight. Shouldn't we accept and support each other regardless of our DX? It's not a contest.
Although, I have been respectful of the StageIV boards, as has been suggested on many of the threads.
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To be honest, I am not sure exactly where I belong, except for the "Stage I and II" board. But that board doesn't cover everything for me.
I mean, yes, I had DCIS first diagnosis so I had my little niche. But then I had also LCIS. and IDC. And ILC. And ICC. There isn't even a board for ICC. And there isn't a board for women with multiple types of cancer. And I am not even sure on which of them was responsible for the 3 mm tumor in my SN.
So I am just hopping around, and reading here and there, and barely daring to post anywhere.
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I don't know how I missed this thread - but it's great!!! My favorite line is from page 1: "sugar congests the body and I noticed you eat a lot of mints" LOL!!!! People can be so stupid!!!
I had a very good friend, who I've drifted apart recently say about another friend of hers that had BC, "I saw her at the mall one day with her kids. She was wearing a ton of make-up, trying to hide the fact she was so sick." Really???? Really???? When I was dx, this same friend hardly ever called me and totally forgot I had surgery. Her normally insensitive husband remembered my surgery and called my hubby (they're friends) to check on me.
The one thing I heard the most was, "You're going to be okay" - thanks for letting me know that - and by the way, you don't know that.
I have learned how different people react. Some are amazing and others just run away. I told a group of friends (well, sort of) that my sister did not have bone mets and how excited we were about it. They all looked at me like I was strange and how it was almost inappropriate to talk about having cancer. Argh!!!
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I forgot about my mother in law's very insensitive comment recently. She has so many, it's hard to keep track! LOL! She tells me to get my ovaries removed, "Just get rid of them! It's no big deal. That's what I would do." Really???? Let's see here.... you still have your breasts and ovaries. How would you know if it's a big deal???
Oh and when I had 2 miscarraiges, she actually had the nerve to say after the 2nd miscarraige "It's not fair. My sister has all these grandchildren and I have none."
How ironic that now she's telling me to get rid of my ovaries! She's NUTS!!!
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kitty - your MIL sounds like a pip. I just had my ovaries removed and I can tell her it is a big deal!! Recovery and emotionally. At least I pumped out one grandkid. My EX MIL thought it was terrible that I wanted to stop at one child - said that her theory is you should replace yourself on Earth and that's why she had two children - WTF?? Olivia - hang here. We have fun!!
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Day -
I have to agree I have no clue where I fit. My first DX was DCIS and now it is IDC but if you asked me six years ago it was ovarian cancer -- so where do we fit. Oh and everyone said I was so lucky to survive the ovarian cancer, you know Gilda Radner did not, REALLY, thanks for the news flash! My only luck was a Dr who kept listening to me.
All I know for sure, is when I need a lift, a laugh or just a simple "can not believe some people" this is the board I check. Thanks Day for starting it!
Olivia
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Bobcat -
You made me laugh, my EX MIL, told me the only reason I could not have children was because I must have been very promiscuous in my youth - what are you kidding. She said that is how it happens you know - people like you end up unable to have children because of your indiscretions. As she proceeded to tell me to wear a nightgown to bed so my husband, her son, could have easy access to me whenever he wanted.
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olivia218,
That is the most shocking thing I have read on this board. Is your MIL from the "old country"?
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Olivia218,
I agree with notself that has to be the most shocking thing I have read here - WTH? I think she is a couple of centuries behind.
One comment that bothers me, and I have gotten it a lot, is Oh, if it were me I would tell the dr immediately to take them both off - I wouldn't even have to think about it. That drives me crazy - I spent weeks thinking and agonizing over my decision.
Olivia and Day, post anywhere you want on this board. No one has a right to make you feel unwelcome. We are all in this together !
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I was talking to a friend shortly after diagnosis and told her what was happening. She sympathised with me, and then proceeded to tell me about her ex-husband's girlfriend (they had an affair and thus the divorce) being diagnosed at almost the same time as me. She said, I try to feel bad for her, but it serves her right - she brought it on herself. She went on and on for a few minutes, while I stood there thinking - what does she think I did to bring it on to myself? Then she went on to tell me how angry she got because husband had the nerve to call from girlfriend's chemo treatment and say it was running late and he would be a little late to pick up his kids.....she said that is no excuse,she didn't care if she's in chemo - he needs to leave her there and get the kids on time ! I understand the reasons she hates these two people, but geesh....come on.....some people just have no clue.
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Well neversurrender, I have to agree: If it were her breasts, I wouldn't even have to think about it either...Sometimes I'm just so relieved people around me NEVER mention the C word or anything related.
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Okay, I know I am posting a lot today but I just received a card from a co-worker with a brochure for a breast massage program. She said it might make me feel better. Does she not know I have a foob??? OMG.
I wish I could show you all the brochure - another co-worker (fellow BC sister) said, is this serious, did you really just receive this and then we both just laughed so hard we could not stop.
Olivia
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Hi DAY - Like you, I'm hopping around, reading, and barely dare to post anywhere!
Did you ever get the 'Cold Shoulder' (no response) from other survivors in some very active threads if your topic/question/comment is not what they're discussing or interested in? I also feel like I don't belong in the social arena of these few threads....And we're all in the same boat looking for answers & the help we don't get from doctors & family!
Recently I had to change gears from reconstructing my breasts (hot topic!) to total hysterectomy. Luckily things turned out OK but I'm still recovering slowly from surgery! -Total hysterectomy is not a topic many survivors are interested in and I learned quickly not to mix breasts & Pelvic! I guess pelvic troubles is not common!
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Erika--I'm sorry you didn't get much support when you had to change gears, as you put it. I'm glad things turned out ok, and sorry you are still doing the recovery thing. Did you have to postpone reconstruction? I'm going down the recon road and I would be a basket case if something came up that required postponing, not to mention the emotional stress of dealing with whatever the problem is! Frankly, I can't beleive that pelvic problems are so rare since tamoxifen itself is a big cause of pelvic problems. I also have a hard time with some of the responses to women of a different "diagnosis," like we don't all have bc or bc issues. Maybe I can't completely understand what it's like to be stage 4, but I bet many of us less than stage 4 ladies HAVE experienced similar symptoms and problems and may have good suggestions that could help. We all have different backgrounds and strengths, and the best thing we can do for each other is share our strengths, and draw on the strengths of others to help compensate for our weaknesses. Oh, well, this is a very emotional situation and emotions are not known for being logical or rational.
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Hi Nativemainer - Nice to see/read you again!
I did a pelvic ultrasound to check if everything was OK before starting on tamoxifen. They found a solid suspicious mass in one ovary. I went into surgery and did total hysterectomy. I was a wreck for about a month thinking I had ovarian cancer until the pathology report came back and it was the happiest day of my life...
I was ready to remove TE's and do exchange in beg. February when this whole thing came up! Recon is now on hold until end of April....
I may be venting a bit too much! And I have had support through my journey, and you're one of the people to give me strength, Thank you!
Hey, what can I say! I can probably blame my emotions on my surgical menopause that hit me like sword immediately after my ovaries came out! At 49 I didn't think it would make much of a difference but I guess my ovaries were still working full time!
So, now I'm recovering from a very painful surgery, have put recon on hold, I'm in the middle of moving to another home, and I'm surgically menopausal! Oh, I'm definitely fishing for sympathy now! Sorry! Thanks for letting me vent, though!
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You have my sympathy Erika, way too much to go thru. We become so fragile dealing with bc dx, don't need to be handed more! There are other women who have had similar surgeries, bobcat checks in here, she's recovering (ok I hope Bobcat!). and their are many very nice women that sign in here!
So I've been practicing comebacks that I have learned here! and used one, after being told who knows how many times how great I looked I finally said, "well, it's not in my face!!" The person looked pissed, and I laughed. But I mean really!!
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I went to a party a few days after my first chemo threatment and was having a much neeeded good time when a friend approached me and said "I don't know how you do it sweetie. If I were you I'd be curled up in a ball on the couch". My good time crashed and I stood there speechless because I knew I'd burst into tears if I tried to say anything. Fast forward 5 months - another party - the same woman asked me how I'm doing and I tell her I'm doing well. She rubs my arm and says " let's hope it stays that way". Again - I'm speechless!
Thanks for letting me vent, ladies.
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Jeesh!! The stuff people say. Erika - I had oopherectomy last week(partial hysto was 5 years ago) - they are both tough recoveries. AND, I thought the ovaries were all done working but I have been an emotional wreck all week. Good thing SO is travelling because I cry at the smallest things. Still waiting on the pathology. I have to have ultrasound tomorrow because of leg pain and numbness - ruling out a DVT - just one more thing. But I get a laugh everytime I sign on here. This is one of my favorite threads.
Olivia you should have told your MIL that you only sleep nude. Old country indeed!!
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I am just amazed at some of the insensitive things that people say! I have told many a person not to feel pressured to say anything to me, just to be present or give me a hug if words fail. Too often, when words of comfort don't come easily, people can blurt out some unbelievable comments. So I try to spare myself the aggravation. Of course, not everyone is really trying to be comforting or helpful; some people are just downright mean. Thankfully, most of the people in my life have had good intentions, even if they did not know what exactly to say.
And, another thing: I understand the challenge of trying to figure out where to post and how not to offend. I don't think I fit into one of the strict categories, and I have been wondering whether there should be a forum for those of us who don't exactly fit in a particular area and are willing to share with and support others with varying stages/types/issues related to this challenging disease who also don't think they fit into one of the strict categories.
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You ladies are all wonderful....I check in on this thread every day. Thankfully I don't have "stupid comments" to report on every day, but I've definitely had my share. I've posted some of them here and sympathize with you all. What I'd like to know is how to respond to the "you just had the one removed?" What the crap does that mean anyway---? The person usually does go on and say "I'd have 'em both taken". I told a lady the other day that some insurances don't pay for prophylactic mastectomies and besides you never really know what you'll do til it's you. She just blankly looked at me and then said "Oh! Yes of Course, I know THAT"
I also have felt the "cold shoulder" experience on other threads....may be totally unintentional, typing words loses the emotion and adds an abruptness to conversations, doesn't it? You ladies, I have noticed are always very considerate of newbies and that is comforting to those of us who feel we don't fit.
Erica09: I started Tamoxifen in Feb & realized later that my Onc didn't even mention a pelvic US prior to starting or after having taken it for a while either. I've also noticed some ladies take aspirin with Tamoxifen, because of the potential for blood clots.....do you take aspirin? and are you taking anything to help with hot flashes?
Nice to "meet" you all....looking forward to more conversations....
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psalm - I know what you mean about the cold shoulder. I have developed a thicker skin because of it. Sometimes I just don't fit in. I take a daily apsirin with arimidex but still getting checked for blood clots. Brenda - hang out with us! I must got to bed - long day tomorrow. Hugs to all.
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Bobcat, you're a treasure! I always enjoy reading your posts and try to store away your wisdoms for when I may need them.....good night to you, and rest well.
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NotSelf -
Fortunately she is the EX mother in law, clearly she passed on some of her strange thoughts to her son so he had an affair and got someone else pregnant.
When I finally remarried ten years later, I said, let's go visit your family and spend some time. I needed to make sure I was not in for the same thing again. My MIL is great and is a BC survivor herself, she has been very supportive and kind. I think she passed that to her son/my husband!!!
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Katey - Thank you for you kind words!
Bobcat - I hope your path report comes back with great news!
Psalm121 -I had to ask onco to send me for pelvic exam. Thanks for the aspirin tip! I will start on tamox next month and will mention it to my onco. No meds yet for hot flashes. I have not gone for my first post-op appt. Surgical meno has hit me like a storm, though! Will have to get some meds.
Brenda - Welcome!
I have considered myself a pretty tough person and I thought I was doing really well with the bc dx, but these days I find myself getting so sensitive about the things I would normally ignore. I guess it is my new annoying unawanted friend who has decided to hang around too often -Menopause!
Good night ladies!
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