The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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ok I hafta share this one - it didn't happen to me, but to a friend that's going through chemo. She was wearing a flowing skirt with a cute, fancy headscarf - another friend told her she needed a crystal ball. My friend is good humored and really laughed! I was glad, because it did make me laugh before I caught myself!
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I am a 40 year old police officer. My Chief has been very supportive since I was diagnosed on 12/27/13. I have been on light duty so I can still come to work without having to wear the vest or interact with the public. My co-worker is a different story. We are assigned to the Traffic Division and are main job is to take the accidents that happen in our town. I do not have to take them while I am on light duty. Numerous times over the last few weeks he has sat at his desk behind me and commented on how he is the only one in the Traffic Division taking accidents. He did it again about an hour ago. I think I am going to need bail money because I want to rip his head off and stuff it down his throat. I can't believe someone could be that selfish and rude
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Still Runnin', What a jerk! Perhaps you should turn around and let him know that you would gladly trade places with him and he can have the f'ing cancer. And if that doesn't work for him, he should take his complaints to the boss.
Some people....ACK
MsP
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Oh let me help. Nest time. Gently turn around. If you can-take off your scarf, wig, or cap. And say sweetly. I could not help but over hear your statement about being the only one doing traffic reports. As you can see-but may not be aware. i have cancer. Yes, cancer. Since you are obviously unaware of the impact of cancer on the body let me explain-slowly and carefully what could happen to me if I was forced to help you write up the report. My immune system is almost completely gone. You have seen me wear a yellow mask. If fact you have probably made an inapporpriate comment about the mask. It helps keep me alive. Your comments I could actually file a civil rights suit if I chose. I do not wear a vest due to the weight. I have had BMX-for those who do not understand the big words both of my breasts were removed because of the cancer-they were trying to kill me. The weight of the vest causes pressure areas to the delicate skin of my chest where I had surgery and radiation. Radiation you ask. Yes. 30 rounds. I was burned badly. I hope it killed more cells. Of course I worked during the treatments. I am not sick. I have cancer. Yes I am aware you take a lot of sick time. You are more fragile than I am. I am very happy to be at work doing what I can to keep the station going. I am anxious to return to the street. I do hope I am partnered with someone more wordly though.
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Still Runnin'--there
are some people in the world who are just so self-centeredthat nothing else matters but what they
want.Sounds like your co-worker is one
of them.Perhaps you should say to him
that when you are recovered and he has testicular cancer you will take the
accidents for him.Of course, that is
assuming that he knows why you are on light duty.Of course, it probably doesn't matter to him
why you are on light duty anyway, it only means more work for him, 'cause he's
the only one that matters to him.I'll
hold him while you take his head off!0 -
so true.
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My Step-Mother on the phone the day I found out..."Breast Cancer? That's what killed my sister!
Followed by my Dad asking if they were sure because my sister "Had a lump once and it turned out to be nothing!"
Me: "She has NO boobs Dad and I'm a 40DDD!"
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While I cannot reach EVERYONE in my life with what I'm about to post, I've been spreading it as far and as wide as possible. It's called the "kvetching circle." If this has been previously posted, please forgive the repetition, but this is a HUGE thread for a reason :-). One of several reoccurring themes is ignorance and/or fear and/or inexperience with illness and people not knowing what to say. Some are just... socially inept - and those, I assume, will never be reached. But in my so far "short" journey with bc (I found the lump just over 4 wks ago and am currently 4 days post radical full rt mastectomy), I have several examples that fit. One friend who had been "in the know" pretty much from the beginning texted my bf and I just a couple days July 2nd) after the biopsy results, but before initial surgeon consultation (all of which she knew) with the following - what are you guys' plans for July 11th? WTF????? How the HELL am I supposed to know??? When the same person was told at my "party my tits off" outing two days before my mastectomy that both my bf and I would, most likely, have to bow out of our fall theater production, her response - No! No, no, NO! We need him! You have to let him be in it! WTF????? Posted responses to me coming home from the mastectomy 3 days ago - hey, I wonder how much weight you lost with the surgery? Are you feeling a bit lopsided? Leaning to the left when you walk? WTF?????
Now I have been VERY public with my dx and pretty much ALL of the steps, so far - and I've often infused humor into my posts and conversations. Some have suggested that I can't get upset when the humor is given back. I disagree. Now, I know my friends mean well and I do NOT hold this stuff against them (except in a couple of very OBVIOUS examples) - but I've had to decide who to distance myself from, as a result. And in the process, I've introduced the "kvetching circle" to as many people as I can. The basic rule is - the person in the center circle, i.e. the sick person - can say anything they want any time they want. The people in the next circle - husbands, kids, partners, etc. can, too - but only to people in circles further out from the sick person. 3rd circle out - best friends, close family, etc. can do the same - BUT ONLY TO PEOPLE IN CIRCLES FURTHER OUT FROM THEM IN RELATION TO THE SICK PERSON! Here's a link that explains it better. http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=3770. When I have the energy and desire - I explain this circle every chance I get. Sometimes I'm too tired. Too wound up. Too hurt. Too angry. But sometimes, I'm not. And the times I'm not and have explained this compassionately to others, it has almost ALWAYS helped, especially when I combine it with the roller coaster discussion of mood swings. It takes time and patience and understanding, but it's helping me. I hope it can help someone else, too :-)
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Hi Stacey! Just thought I'd say Hi and welcome! I see you are new here,
I just wanted to mention that this hasn't been an active thread for a while, but others will have it in their favorites and will come again.
I have seen similar circles on other threads here and I think they do work in many, probably most, circumstances, but there will always be "stupid" when it comes to interacting with people with reference to this disease. I never cease to be amazed, by some of the nonsense that comes from the mouths of otherwise intelligent people, when they speak to someone going through this. It is like their "Tact" filter has been removed.
I know it happens with all illnesses, case in point is my Husband, who is a quadriplegic from a hang gliding accident when he was 20. I could write a book about the ridiculous things that have been said to him, well usually me, because people see a wheelchair and either yell at him, why would he be deaf? Or they ignore him and address me, they assume brain damage, because they have no understanding of spinal cord injury. It is just a bloody wheelchair! LOL
This is a man who runs his own business, is an award winning designer, champion solo sailor, drives a sports car and tows a boat all over the country for competition, that just scratches the surface of his abilities, which far outweigh, his disability.
It has gotten better over the years, but it never completely goes away because there will always be that "Tact" filter missing in some individuals.
I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you around the boards!
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Yep, I've heard of that circle too and think it's wonderful! Can't remember what I heard it called. I can joke about my disease but YOU can't. A guy in my office tried and boy did it fall flat!! Everyone was embarrassed....for him!!! What a dink! It's like how black people can use the "N-word" but white people can't. Weird, eh?
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Hi Barbe! so true, you've nailed it. As politically incorrect as it may be, Colin calls himself a "crip", in jest, tells us to watch out for a "crip" parking spot, when we're out, but if anyone else said it, I'd go ballistic!
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Stacy. Welcome and I am sorry you had to join us. Remember-dead people do not know they are dead and stupid people do not know they are stupid. But we do. You will have crazy, crazy things said to you. Over and over again. Vent to us on this thread and every thread you join. The women here are amazing. They have been my therapists, my shoulders, my best friends. And they never gossip about you. NEVER. EVER.
Much love.
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Stacy, I second what Susan said. People are so dumb they don't know they're dumb. I heard my grandfather say that for years (much funnier in his German). I like the circle idea though. Haven't come across that one before. Good one! Sue
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StacyBrian--I've
seen this concept before, and you describe it beautifully!I try to remember to use it all the
time.Sometimes I'm better than others.Having a thread like this to say "out
loud",as it were, my reactions and
things I wish I had the balls to say back to people who say stupid things to me
helps keep me from going off on people who are really well meaning but off the
mark.Ariom--you are so
right that some people simply do not havea tact filter!0 -
Thanks, Ariom - I am new - as a poster and a diagnosed. I am no stranger, though, to chronic illness (others in my life, not me, personally, until this DX) and have seen this filter-less phenomenon in action many times - and in all directions! In reading through the massive amounts of threads, it's been... interesting - educational - exhausting - angering - tear-jerking - and so much more. And I know (from experience) that it's NOT only people who DON'T have this illness that trip up. I was speaking on the phone with a stage IIB IDC "survivor" friend of mine just a few days before my surgery. We hadn't gotten to the point of discussion the treatment decisions I had already made - she was spilling her experience to me, I know hoping that something of her path could help. In this case, though, what she said was "...and I don't know why my husband was so worried about the mastectomy piece and how it would be received. He knows I would NEVER be crazy enough to leave the house looking like a mutilated freak." I had already decided on the full right mastectomy and had chosen to wait on the reconstruction to give myself time to mourn my loss, adjust to being half breastless, not wear padding or a prosthesis, AND still go out in public, continue teaching, etc. Almost all of the mis-speaks seems to mean well, they just don't always come across well - depends on who you are talking to, I suppose :-). Thanks for the welcome and the well wishes.... I'm glad I found this place :-)
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You're welcome StaceyBrian!
I am sorry if I am repeating myself here, I know I posted this experience recently, but not sure which thread it was on.
I contacted an ex co worker who had been Dx before me with the same thing. I asked if I may pick her brain for information. She was helpful and asked me to call her when I had my surgery to let her know how it had all gone. I waited till I got my final path report and called her to say I had dodged many bullets and I was doing really well. She asked me what kind of recon I had done and when I told her I had decided against having recon, she spat out "Oh My God! How can you bear to look at yourself!"
It isn't often I am speechless, bu that one knocked me for a loop! When I composed myself enough, not to just use a favorite expletive and hang up, I told her I was very happy with the way I looked as was my Husband, that we had made the decision that further surgery for a breast that would be as unfeeling as my chest was now, wasn't something we felt was necessary, for us.
In fact, as weird as it may sound, I have grown accustomed to my scar and don't mind it at all. I guess having a Mother go before me as a Uni, helped a lot. She was Dx just 4 months after we lost my Dad. She was a gorgeous sophisticated lady who handled it with grace and dignity and a wicked sense of humor. Who knew, she was going to pave the way for me.
I see how far I have come in the 19 months since my surgery. I looked at pictures of other women with either BMX or like me UMX and there is a power in those pictures. Take a look at "The Scar Project" a very moving and emotive look, at BC surgery outcomes. There is also Breastfree.org which is a website run by one of our members Erica, it has photos which can prepare you, for what you will look like post surgery. You can then take your time to decide exactly how you want to proceed.
I do wear a form, most of the time, but it isn't unusual for me to go half flat if I feel like it and believe me, even with a "D" cup puppy on the other side to contend with, no one notices.LOL
I must add that I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with anyone else who chooses to have recon, I would never presume to advise anyone that either way is right or wrong, in fact I am very pleased to hear about women who are thrilled with their reconstruction results.
Needless to say, I haven't bothered to call that co worker again!
Take it easy, weigh your options and don't listen to that drivel from others who should know better!
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Aww. Stacy. Mutilated freak. We can say that about ourselves. But not to someone else. I have not had reconstruction. I have taken a winding road through BC and did not have the option @ the beginning. Now, the road would be complicated-so I am not choosing it right now. Well, actually, both my BS and PS say it is still not an option-but when/if it becomes so-the path would be long and windy-so am saying I will remain as I am now.
I am a nurse, employed as dean in a health science center. When I was diagnosed I was teaching psychiatric nursing and the nursing students got to feel mega mass (6x6-double deck of cards). So did the paramedic students, some occupational thearapy and respiratory therapy students. After each MX I came back with drains and let students empty. Kept the scars private though-my chest looks like Edward Scissorhands visited and am not comfortable sharing. But, I really think my openness with a large herd of future health-care providers (and this has continued since 2 years ago) will help keep them from making dumb comments. Because-some of the dumb comments I have received have been from health people. I did not wear wigs-other than purple and hot pink on occasion. Otherwise was hats and scarves. I came to work with my port accessed and had rescue fluids running and pushed an IV pole around many, many, many times. The day I signed my contract as dean was the day of my mammogram. The day I started I instituted therapy animals. We now have 3 in the building. There are probably 40 beds in my building plus Simulation labs as living rooms and bedrooms so there was always a place for me to take a nap. With a therapy dog.
And, I learned, that I had probably said really dumb things in the past. And hope I am forgiven. I used to give chemo to children. The same chemo I got. And told the children and parents we could stop the pain and nausea. How dumb was that. Wish I could go back and say how sorry I am for that big pile of bs.
And my dissertation ends. This afternoon while grading I watched the 1998 Les Mis with Liam Neeson. No music. He is just one beautiful man in a beautiful film. On netflix. Had seen it several times before. So lovely. Strongly recommend. Know everyone remains fixated on the music. But-try this one just once.
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My favorite pre-recon memory (I went "uni" for more than a year) was the time I ran out to a local convenience store without the scaffolding (mastectomy bra) and form. Imagine DDD on the right, nothing on the left, in a t-shirt. As I was getting out of my car a woman getting into her car across from me looked up at me, did a classic double take, then her jaw hit the ground with a resounding "Oh my GAWD!" loud enough to attract the attention of everyone in the parking lot. I smiled at her and walked toward the store, and I could hear her saying "Did you SEE that?" Did you see THAT? Oh my GAWD!" I often wonder how long she went on like that. She was gone when I came back out. I was kind of looking forward to another encounter with her.
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The humor back has to be from the right person, at the right time and in the right way. I totally get it, I too use a lot of humor and have been appalled at some of the attempts back to me. So, yes you can get upset if it is given back the wrong way! Unfortunately those people will never get it.
Good luck with all your treatments, I finished rads three weeks ago.
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When I had gone back to work (all male department) after my mast I said that it had been so cold in my area through Christmas that my tits froze off!!!! Then when they laughed, I said "Look out guys, I may have lost my breasts, but I found my balls!!" It went over really well, but when we had a vendor visit us for some product knowledge, one of the guys tried to do the "froze her tits off" comment and it bombed....really, really badly...hehehhehehehehe (I NEVER use words like tits, by the way!!!! it's just that it made my joke cruder)
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When I was deciding between DIEP and implants for reconstruction after BMX, one of my friends said in a very cavalier way, "Well of course you want to do the tummy tuck procedure. Why wouldn't you want a flat stomach and perky boobs?" I struggled with the decision, but she thought it was a no-brainer. Now here's the surprising part: she had BC a few years ago: UMX with no reconstruction, and she did chemo. I was amazed that she kind of made it sound like it was no big deal. She of all people should know that either surgery IS a big deal!
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Oldies to this thread: Any clue why Shrek deleted her topic words? sassy0 -
I was wondering too Sas
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Barbe1958, your post about saying "that it had been so cold in my area through Christmas that my tits froze off!!!! Then when they laughed, I said "Look out guys, I may have lost my breasts, but I found my balls!!" Made me laugh! You have a good sense of humor and that is very important. Wishing you all the best.
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bump
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I had a cashier at the grocery store yesterday ask how I was doing. I told her hanging in there and she said, "You look rough." lol I laughed and said, yeah, I'm rather tired. I honestly would have someone tell me the truth than to lie to me to make me feel good. I once asked hubby what he thought of an outfit I had on (this has been years ago), and he said, "You want the truth or you want to feel good?" lol I love his honesty.
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Laura--your hubby is a wise man!
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Native : Oh I wish you could've met up eye to eye with that insensitive fool in the parking lot. One thing this disease has taught me, is to almost always speak up when someone gives you the stink-eye. And women, of all human beings, shouldn't judge. --Stay warm !
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I just had to add my story to this post about stupid ignorant people and the things they say. I was at the blood clinic giving up some more of my blood for testing. The nurse who was drawing my blood decided to tell me about her best friend who survived the same type of cancer I have only to pass away 2 years later. Just the kind of story we all love to hear right? {what an idiot}
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Shelly--the parking lot woman's reaction really hit my funny bone at the time, I had all I could do to not laugh out loud at her! She was SO shocked, I can't imagine her being able to drive after that. I'll admit to wanting to really get her going on the way out, too bad she was already gone.
I know everyone wants to tell us about the people they know/knew with the same diagnosis, but people working in health care should know better. Or be taught better. Really.
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