The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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You're very welcome bobogirl !!!! Have a great weekend.
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At that moment you don't know how to react, but I understand that they are somewhat worried or just ignorant about breast cancer, reconstruction... The first week after knowing I was positive for palb2 I was depress and my mother that had breast cancer was trying to throw a boobies shower (?) same as a baby shower... With posts on fb before her Bmx. She has a dark sense of humor and I'm more.... Sarcastic.
Now I laugh about every single comment I get. I am still alive and I had this surgery to prevent a monster growing inside me, I don't want to waste time being sad or angry when some people is fighting every single minute with this illness. every single minute is a gift, and after reading the IV stage section for hours, I'm just wishing to be as brave and have the same courage as they show, their posts makes me feel stronger to deal with a ghost of a cancer that can appear any moment on my almost reconstructed breasts or my pancreas.
Sorry, I drank too much baileys. The dr. Finally cleared me to drink caffeine and alcohol.
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Ah, that first cup of coffee after recon! Bliss!
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I went to turn in my paperwork for my first visit at the cancer center for the stereotactic biopsy. The lady at the front said "I know it's a lot of paperwork and you feel like your signing your life away." And she works at a cancer center?
The second one was an acquaintance I saw at the grocery store. He said my wife told me about the cancer and I said yes it was caught early (DCIS high grade) He asked where I had my mammogram done. I told him and he said "Oh my wife went there and they are crooks. All they want is your money. My wife had a lump and they recc. more diagnostics like magnification views and an ultrasound. We said no way the mammogram should of told us what it was. She went to her regular Dr. and he felt it and said it was only a fatty tumor." I looked at this man and had no comment but inside I was thinking You are a complete and utter idiot.
My sister who is an 11yr breast cancer survivor (diagnosed at age 27 with stage 3 BRCA 1 positive) said be prepared that people would say the dumbest things!
Many thanks to ALL of you as I read many, many posts that have brought me tears and laughter as I prepare for my BMX in 13 days! All of you have comforted me in so many ways.
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My boss wrote a letter to me telling me they would not allow me to work with my restrictions of intermittent reduction in schedule...then told me that my cancer diagnosis and this decision to keep me from working/ income/insurabce coverage was "very difficult" for him. F** you.
A colleague rubbed my barely there hair head in front of co-workers.Then told me I looked "cute" with short hair. In what world is it ever ok torus a woman's head?
Finally, a woman told me how she knew how I felt having lost my hair. When she is under stress she lcrosshair along her hairline. Ummm, not the same as being bald for 6 months.
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dang...smartassmurf, your boss, that's wrong on a lot of levels. Wow.
My sister was dx'd shortly after me, stage 1 lobular. She had to endure a lot of "it's only stage 1" type of comments.
One of the stupidest comments made to me when I shared with an acquaintance my DX, "oh I know ten people who have died of cancer."
Now I've noticed that some people, for some reason, are reminded of someone they knew whom passed of cancer and their mouth engages before their brain. Those times I've just ignored it and moved on, but the "ten dead people" lady, I had to say something. When I did she got defensive. She definately is beyond fixing.....
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Trailrose--I have this mental picture of that acquaintance's wife being told she has Stage IV bc someday.How idiotic can you get?Apparently mammograms aren't needed at all, just get a manual exam, soon every guy in the world will be an expert!
Smartass Smurf--were there any witnesses to your boss's comment?Total violation of ADA rules (cancer is an automatic disability).Oops, just noticed, you have that in writing.Contact your area Human Rights organization, you may end up owning his company!At least consult with a labor lawyer or two and see what your options are.
DoggieBytes--Idiot "I know ten dead people."Me "Really?Will I be the 11th or do you have someone else you think will be number 11?Or maybe I'll make it into the 20s?"
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Before breast cancer, i knew very little about it, i tried to understand ladies who had been through dx and treatment and ongoing anxiety of this disease.
I never even gave t a thought i would get breast cancer, it always happens to someone else, or so i thought...
People really cannot understand how we feel, but remarks and insensitive words can hurt so much.
A lady i work with said to me well you did take hormone replacement therapy, and your Grandmother had breast cancer, so i caused it myself?????
I have found people really do try to find reasons, because they are frightened, breast cancer can happen to anyone, even the most healthy living, sometimes cannot beat it .
Kaza xx
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You guys are AMAZING! I have not posted anything yet...just today. But I love really reading all of your posts ...they are so encouraging and supportive and really funny. I am so happy to say: I'm not married to Tony!",,,although I think at some point I was married to his brother, cousin, uncle,...LOL
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I like your comeback NativeMaine! '
I think one of the most hurtful things said to me recently was when on my second to last Chemo treatment a Chemo nurse said to me, very snarky, that I "smiled too much".
That hurt and being tired and in such a vunerable place I didn't say anything back except put a frown on my face and say "you would rather I look like this?"
Oh and when I had an anxiety attack when my chest port was infected and oozing yellow, I had the worst emotional melt down since I had been diagnosed. I started crying so hard while the lab techs were trying to get BP and such....and one of the lab techs called me a "cry baby".
Under normal circumstances I would have been very angry at her but my fear was overriding all other emotions at that moment.
Medical professionals can be very unprofessional and say really dumb heartless things too, unfortunately.
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DoggyB, please, report that stupid tech. Can't really change stupid people. But the manager will talk to them. The stupid tech will be uncomfortable, maybe even cry YAY.
Your meltdown-"-I had the worst emotional melt down since I had been diagnosed. I started crying ". Sometimes we hold so many emotions in that when something triggers them to be released, they come flooding out. At the time it may seem disproportionate to the problem. You were releasing all the pent up emotions at once.
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Some of us were talking yesterday, the phrase "You can't fix stupid." came up. Along with the add on "But you can sedate it!" and now I am adding "But you can fire it!"
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Bump
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I bump this periodically. It's been inactive for sometime. It has much to offer from the beginning pages till now. Threads can peter out as people move on. It's part of the process. But all it takes is a few posters coming at the same time and off it goes again.
It's a great pace to put the insane things that are said to us and done to us during this equally insane journey. Sassy
A fun place to visit is Warm & Fuzzies. It's a visual and auditory thread with all kinds of pics & links. Rarely BC related. More other world stuff.
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/818346?page=1
Another fun thread that allows for ranting and spouting off about absurdities is YKYACPW You Know your A Cancer Patient When
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/67/topic/755825?page=1
For the above two threads, I linked to the first page of each. Each are several hundred pages long. Thought the first page of each would give you an idea of the flow.
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About a month ago I was caught up in a 70 car pile up on the interstate--didn't get hurt beyond some bruises, aches, and stiffness, but totaled the car. The other day someone asked me what was more traumatic, the crash or finding out I had breast cancer. All I could do was look at her--3 years of pain, fear, misery, surgeries, near bankruptcy compared to a week of aches and pains and dealing with auto insurance and car shopping. Like there's any comparison.
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NM, how awful about the pile up. Glad you survived. Yeah, dumb question, but they were clueless. I had 5 1/2 years of pain. Now it's gone. Can't talk about it elsewhere b/c .......Back to you YAY your here0 -
Native: I would have asked that person "what's more traumatic-- the day she learned she was minus half her brain or the day others confirmed she was an idiot." I hope you NEVER have to find yourself in a major pileup/accident of any kind again and NEVER go through this insane and depressing journey a second time. See you also had bilateral DIEP. How did it turn out -- any revisions or future revisions? I was not as pleased as I thought with outcome.
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My DIEP turned out great---no revisions, no future revisions planned. I opted out of having nipples made, so I had the one surgery and was done. I am very, very happy with the results. I am sorry yours didn't turn out as well as you wanted.
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Native, that's wonderful you had good luck. There were so many things that affected my results, but the DIEP is still a better option for me than implants would have been.
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A friend of mine that I worked with years ago died of BC about two weeks ago. She fought with every form of treatment she was comfortable doing and had lived an amazing full life in just 59 years. Another friend, who often opens her mouth to speak before the brain is engaged, texted me that it must be "scary" and "that must be even harder for you to deal with." I sat there not knowing what to text back, because her words just struck me as unfeeling, and definitely hurtful beyond any words. This friend should have known better; her older brother died of lung cancer and maybe she didn't handle that well at the time, but that's no excuse. I don't know. This woman also was minus her brain when she first learned I had stage 3 BC, she then went on to tell me about aunts or cousins that had BC and passed on. Really? ???
I realize people are just clueless as to what to say sometimes, but then instead shouldn't they apologize or say something positive? It may be quite some time, if ever, that we communicate again. GRRRRRRRRR
Shelly
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"You must be an expert after your brother's death from cancer. Any advice?"
"I'm modeling my coping after the way you coped with your brother's death. Thanks for being a role model."
"It is scary that I could live a full life like my friend did despite bc."
What a dimwit!
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Native - I love all your witty comebacks !! Yes, dimwit indeed. Mind you, this friend also never just phones me to ask how I'm doing. It's like we only have a connection if someone with cancer is newly diagnosed or god forbid, dies. I'm going to borrow your first & third remarks if ever there is an opportunity ! Thanks!
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If you ever get a chance to use the lines let me know how it goes! I'm to chicken to use the lines that pop into my head. I just think them and enjoy the private chuckle later.
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I won't have any trouble speaking my mind. Life is too short to let insensitive remarks from so-called friends go by unnoticed. It's definitely liberating !!
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okaaaay Love you all, deleted the stupidest coment in the world
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I'm tired of the "you're so strong and positive...you'll beat this thing" comment. While it's not "dumb" exactly, I'm pretty sure my cancer didn't care if I was strong or positive when it started growing. And I hate the notion that my attitude determines what happens to the cancer cells in my body, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some weak and negative days. Hopefully the cancer is gone or will be when chemo is done. Regardless ,I'll keep working on being strong and positive but I mostly hope my doctors are smart and my treatment is effective.
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OHHHHH I have a delete above------I dislike blue lines-------sorry------know ide why I deleted.
But gkodad------------I agree. The positive attitude thing--------------SUCKS. I was checking out the most recent publication on the NIH cxaner stats between 20175 and 2011 published in Mar 2015. I decided to check out Cancer centers of America. Lo and behold they have this whole section on positive attitudes and positive thinking. and forgiveness of others and self. WTF. I have been in survival mode for 6 years. If I counted all the reasons I had to forgive b/c someone didn't do their job and fouled up...............I'm here b/c I was proactive for myself and learned what I didn't already know to protect me from errors.
Hmmm guess that's a rant.
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That whole "be positive, be strong" thing drives me absolutely ape shi##. I have a list of people I am just waiting to get a serious illness or cancer so I can ask them how the "be positive" thing is working for them, since it didn't prevent THEM from getting into health trouble! And how can someone who never had cancer know better than me, who does have cancer, how to react to and live with cancer anyway? Why do THEY get to decide what is the "right" way to have cancer, and what is not acceptable? Oh,how I could go on and on and on and on. . .
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On one of my "better" days-after a person did the whole have faith, be strong, have a good attitude, I responded with--so all those dead people from cancer didn't have a good attitude or faith?
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Susan - you hit the nail on the head with that one !! I just heard the other day on the news that "being positive" plays a big part in staying healthy. That one just grinds me because I was probably the healthiest and felt the best at time of my DX. I'm one whose body doesn't give any signs something is up so being positive goes out the window.
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