The dumbest things people have said to you/about you
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Sandie - that nurse drawing your blood was so insensitive !! I hope you said something back to her like "isn't that just such a great positive story?" At least that would make her think before opening that mouth up again. Our two competing health systems where I live are always telling their cancer patients to have a positive attitude -- which is really funny since their employees can throw out the negatives at any time.
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Hi girls,
Wanted to add two experiences to the list.....
A neighbour, whenever I meet her, always asks after my health - nice thing to do. Of course when I reply positively ---- (my husband says dismissively) of my recent hospital stints, eg. two endometrial thickening investigations - scary but according to the surgeon (typical of tamoxifen thickening and nothing to worry about) last word on that of course yet to come from pathology ---- she always replies. 'You have such a positive fighting attitude'.
Yeah, watch out cancer I'm going to 'positive' you away!!!
Even though I politely tell her I think cancer doesn't really care too much about my attitude, she still says it. - Ehhhh Gods!
Second one and a beauty!
From the breast cancer nurse on finishing my radiation. (I have small breasts and when I was younger really wished they were bigger). 'You've done well' she remarked, 'not much burning at all. 'Well,' (small laugh here from her). 'I guess small breasts are good for something'!!!!
I was so astonished, couldn't even reply.
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An old high school pal whenever she sees me says "you look great" - I finally got sick of hearing it and said "how am I "supposed" to look"?? It did the trick for shutting her off but now she never even asks how I'm doing. I guess I could have been nicer and I'm sure she was just trying to be supportive, but it just hit me as kinda strange. But then again, she had seen her brother die from lung cancer and probably saw him at his worst.
Here's another comment I can 't believe I heard from a doctor I was seeing for a bad cold/possible pneumonia. At the end of the visit, she says she has a friend newly dx'd with a recurrence after being stage 3 the first time and her prognosis did not look good. -- WOW ! Wonderful little story !
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I have a friend who I've known for over 30 years who has tried to be supportive but she's really bad at it. She and her husband expects me to be positive and upbeat all the time. She told me when I couldn't sleep to call her because she stays up late at night. Well one night I did and her husband was in the background parroting "be positive." I wanted to say to him when you have a disease that causes your balls to fall off then you can say over and over to be positive.
On another occasion, I invited this friend to a family gathering. A guest talked about her breast cancer experience and the cancer experiences of 3 of her sisters and how they survived it. The guest was giving me good advice and showing concern and understanding of my feelings. The friend listening in but not engaging in the conversation ran over to me and said, WELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! I looked at her and said whats wrong with me is that I have breast cancer and until you have it you won't understand. Since then, I have distanced myself from her and when she texts me with questions, I tell her everything is good. It's hard to know who to talk to about how you feel because so many people are so judgmental.
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When I was finished getting an ultrasound guided biopsy I asked about one of techs who had performed my previous biopsy who happened to be stage IV. The ultrasound tech informed me that she was well then said "I hope I don't get it" (meaning cancer). I couldn't believe it but just replied " dear, none of us do"
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ha! Where do I start?! My former boss, gushing how GOOD I look, no one would even know! The same one, btw, who upon learning my dx promised to do "anything you need", etc., but then tellingly docked me for 200 when I left work a day earlier than expected (the wife actually asked me to return my check so she could exchange it). These are very wealthy folks who I helped get much wealthier for over 6 years of employment. Your welcome!
The many, many, that wanted to tell me about whichever dead cancer person. I never let them finish that story, ever. I cut them right off now, rudely.
The aholes that shriek BE POSITIVE! Never understood before that really means shutup, your cancer scares me and I dont wanna hear about it!
The friends that are still involved in self perpetuated/created dramas, and want to exhaust my ear with stupid talk about it. Sorry, no time for it now. I don't care
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love having this place to come scream. I was telling a friend this morning how after having a mammogram, ultrasound, a failed ductogram, and an MRI on the GOOD side, that they want me back in for another ultrasound and possible biopsy. In reading the report, the area of concern is different from what I had thought and sure enough - there's a nice hard lump there! And she tells me not to get all anxious before I know for sure. And I was just stating the facts to her - no emotional scene. If people had any idea what we go through..
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SophiaMarie, scream all you like here! People who have not been touched by this, do not "Get It". I found a lump near my incision line, a year after my Mx and mentioned it to a girlfriend because I was going to have it biopsied, her reaction "Don't go getting all wound up, it'll be nothing!" hmmm, just like the last one was nothing! I only had to sacrifice a breast for that one! LOL
Fortunately, that time, it was nothing.
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In reading a lot of these, I've had people say the same things to me but I realize, they don't understand, because I'm sure i said some of the same things to people I have known dealing with cancer. This is truly something nobody understands until they hear those words. I ran into a woman I used to work with, just yesterday, haven't seen her in probably 20 years. She said well how have you been, you look good and I said well actually, I have breast cancer. She said have it now and I said well, had it in July, had surgery, so I hope I don't but never know. She said I had it too. Since I had not seen her for so many years, I had no clue she too was dealing with the same thing. She said hearing those words was the strangest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. When she said that, I knew, yes, we both really did understand in a way nobody that has dealt with it really does. I also find myself when I see women wearing the pink tee shirts saying the cute sayings, fight like a girl or something, I often wonder if they are just supporters or if they had cancer.The one time I brought myself to ask, the lady said no, I just support the cause. Kind of had mixed feelings on that, glad people are aware but then almost felt like you really have no idea.
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I'm a little confused about the strong feelings of someones mom dying of breast cancer being offensive? Is it because you feel they are telling you you could die also?
I guess that makes sense and could add to your fear if you hadn't thought about it the second that pathology report was read to you.
Personally I took my mom for her mammogram when I found out she had a lump and was with her for the whole three years right up to when I call the hospice nurse to pronounce her death. That was 20 years and one day before I buried my daddy becide her (which was 4 days before my own biopsy)
In those 20 years I have had two aunts (60's and 70's) and a cousin my age and my moms age at diagnosis (40's) diagnosed. Still alive but always will be living with it. And every time I hear the words bc I mourn my mom a little harder, because I've never stopped mourning her. I am sure I've told others diagnosed that my mother had that too.
To me it was empathy and understanding about the upcoming and continuing trials and fights. I don't believe that telling you of their own loss was meant in a harmful or insensitive way nor were they insuniating you were going to die, just that they understand how scared you are and that they hurt for you.
Do I need to censor every word I say on these message boards? I have gotten great comfort here but the last thing I would ever want to do is offend or make anyone more scared.
I personally am much more offended when people tell me that science has come so far and new treatments come out every day and that it's easy now. For me personally I feel they just can't understand what that diagnosis means. But even that I just figure they are trying in their own way to comfort me not make light of my bc.
We are all different and no judging at all from me. I am so sorry and feel so bad now that I might have hurt someone through the years when in my heart I only meant understanding.
Also as far as all those who have told be I got it because of something I ate, drank or did... My answer: cool now I can eat, drink, do and even inhale with abandon! How freeing is that for me? You go drink your healthy tea I'm having a damn soda!
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Scaredchick, I really feel the last paragraph. I am overweight and I know I need to loose weight because of the storage of estrogen and for general health. Nobody has said to me, you got it because you are fat but I feel people think that and then I read of all the fitness people on here and the people who never ate wrong and I see, it really doesn't matter. I see ladies who were so thin, they didn't have enough extra to do fat grafting and I think nobody knows. So, I am going to try to be more active, partially because of the hope this stiffness will be better and I will try to be aware but unfortunately for me, I am a stress eater and the more I feel stressed, the more I eat but I am not depressed and don't need meds to make it through the day, which I feel fortunate the meds haven't caused that: so, like you, if I want to eat a piece of pie or a potato chip, then by george, I'll eating it.
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Scaredchick, I don't think you've offended anyone here by talking about your mother. When I see someone on the boards who has lost a mother to this awful disease I feel a great deal of pain for them - I cannot imagine how much harder it is for them. However, when someone who I hardly know says, on hearing of my dx, "Oh, I know someone who DIED of that" then, no I don't feel even one drop of sympathy from them. How in the world does it help? On the other hand, when someone says, "I know someone who had that and she's fine now" I know they are trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it, misguided as it is (yes, misguided because I'm Stage IV and I won't ever be 'fine').
I have a very good friend whose mother died of BC many years ago, long before I was dx. Not once since my dx has she said ONE WORD about her mother's cause of death, though she will talk about her mother. She is good friend indeed.
Leah
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This morning I had a "dumbest thing" episode which was also a "best thing" one. I was catching up with this thread in bed on my laptop when my husband woke up, rolled over, put his hand on my shoulder, looked deep into my eyes and mournfully asked, "So, how are you?" We both burst into hysterical laughter. He knows how much that question and the earnestness that accompany it bother me, particularly because it usually comes from relative strangers.
I'm waiting for biopsy results for a very fast growing lump. The waiting is driving me nuts and my husband's little bit of black humor was just what I needed.
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Okay, here are two that happened in the last week:
A friend, a highly spiritual, evolved, kind, wonderful woman asked me HOW wer they going to cut my breasts, and that they used to stich us up LIKE FRANKENSTEIN.
Then, a scheduler at hospital, said well of course you are upset, that is your WOMANHOOD.
Urge to punch very strong.
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Lulu, I enjoyed seeing that post of yours. My Husband uses humor too! some of it may offend some people, but I really appreciate it.
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I think humour is great! Humour. Hey I saw it rhymes with tumour and rumour!!
When I was not long diagnosed, my husband was trying some kind of core balance exercise on a roll, and kept falling off. I was laughing at him and told him, " I can do it, see? It's easy!"
He looked quite offended and told me he couldn't do it because he had a bad back! I said, "well? I've got cancer!!", and for some reason that struck us both as very funny!
But people have to be a bit cautious making jokes about somebody else's cancer, right?? Hence this thread
A friend of mine made me laugh the other day, asking how long my reconstruction was going to take. "And you stay under all that time??" she gasped.
"Well, I should hope so!" I replied, laughing. I mean, did she think we were all going to stop for lunch in the middle of it!?
That's it in most cases, I think. Not stopping to think before opening one's mouth!
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That's funny Morwenna! I call it "Opening your mouth, to change feet!"
We are in a really hot spell here, it's our Summer and the other night I was lying uncovered in bed watching TV with my Husband. He turned to me during a commercial, feigning surprise and said "Did you notice something is missing? You're boob isn't there!" while patting the bed as though he was looking for it.
We have always used humor, he is a a quadriplegic from a hang gliding accident 37 years ago and there have been many funny experiences with that. I used to have a laugh when I'd call him at work and one of his workmates would say he's stepped out for a minute and I'd answer "I'd like to see that!"
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That's nothing. I once told a lower limb amputee in a therapy session to "hop up on the bed!"
Luckily, he laughed!
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I am new to these discussions, but was diagnosed in July 2014. Since then I have heard a lot of these comments re looking good or being strong. The comments that have left me dumbfounded however were:
"People don't really die from breast cancer anymore, do they?" Really?!!!
On being upset and feeling unattractive after mx, "I didn't think you really cared that much about how you look?" I'm pretty sure everyone cares about having their breasts removed, and just because I was never 'a perfect 10' doesn't mean I didn't care.
And finally, after discovering that sex is now very painful with induced menopause, "it's not like you and your husband had a great sex life anyway." This one hurts the worst I think, because it encompasses a much bigger part of what I am dealing with - maybe it wasn't great, but there was always the hope that it might get better - and that hope for my future feels like it has disappeared along with so many other dreams.
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Hi all;
Reading your comments and "yep" people say the darndest things. My hunch is most just don't know what to say to us. Many days I don't know how to feel so, I guess I get it.
My "button" is when people comment that they know someone who went thru this and I will be fine, after all, the person they knew didn't suffer side effects and even worked through treatment.
Makes me ashamed that I am not feeling well or feel pain. Am I a big baby? Guess I need to just "suck it up," right?
Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!
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quiggy-
That drove me nuts too! One woman, thinking she was being helpful, was constantly telling me about a woman in our community who according to the teller, had a double mastectomy and chemo yet never missed a day of work, ran throughout her treatment, always put a nutritious dinner on the table, and helped her kids with their homework every night. "Great," I thought, "not only do I have to go through this hell but I have to be superwoman to boot!"
My "friend" seemed mystified that I didn't particularly want to meet and get advice from said paragon of cancer virtue. I always secretly fantasized I'd meet her at a cocktail party and she'd say "WTF! What was she talking about?! Some days I couldn't drag my ass off the sofa to get the mail!"
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I found, women who knew I was called back for more imaging, were all telling me "It'll be nothing, I have heard of heaps of women being called back, it never turns out to be anything!" All that comment did for me, was change the odds to me being the one who would get the bad news!
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ok...
" you are mutilating yourself!!!!b- after planning the masectomy.
" it was expected, you grandmother had cancer, your mother has cancer...." After telling someone the news I was positive for palb2.
" oh... Your breasts were soooooo beautiful, huge, round and perfect " a friend, after showing her my breast afte stage 1 flap.
" whyyy are you doing in this?? You'll be flatttt!!!" After telling about the masectomy..
And the list goes as on
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I'm scheduled for exchange tomorrow, so I had told some of the people at work I would be out until after the first of the year and why, and a couple said oh, you'll come back looking like Pamela Anderson and when I was first diagnosed, another one had said oh, are you going to get big ones like Dolly Parton? I just look at them because I know they don't mean to be hurtful but I never in my entire life had any intention of adding or taking away from what I had and making these bigger is the last thing on my mind. One even ask me early on if my husband had asked the plastic surgeon to make them bigger and I said no, my husband realizes having a mastectomy is a very raw feeling to me and I'm sure him too. Its like they don't seem to realize, I have invasive cancer, we do not know that the surgery got it all.
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Wow, Angelia and Red Shoes. I cannot defend those people. I know they have not been in our shoes, but there is just no excuse for that kind of behavior.
Sending you gentle hugs.
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^Yeah, can you imagine anyone telling an amputee how lucky they were 'cause they could have a cool prosthetic like Oscar Pistorius, or a prostate cancer survivor with a penile implant how great it'll be now that they can pump up any time they want?
Some people are clueless idiots. They may not mean to be cruel but any time I hear a story about someone equating a painful operation we have as a last resort to save our lives with elective cosmetic surgery I want to slap em!
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Amen Lulu.My feelings exactly. This is certainly not something any of us would have chosen.
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Angelia: Sending you and everyone else hugs. I hope you can surround yourself with loving and caring people who say supportive things to you. I hope that for myself too, actually!
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Hi bobogirl. Hope you get all the support you need and more. (saw you on the other thread about difficult mothers/ families). You are always such a positive uplifting person who gives good vibes and kindness to everyone - I've never seen you write a selfish or thoughtless word. Hope it comes back to you a hundredfold. Bless you.
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Goodprognosis: Thank you so much for your kind and sweet words. You just really made my day! XOXO
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