I know I cant be the only lesbian out here?
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Good morning girls! Just popping in to say I am a fellow lavendar lady! My partner, Paula, and I have been together almost 16 years. I have a grown daughter who is married, with a 17-month-old son and is due in May with a girl! We also have an adopted 18-year-old son with autism spectrum disorder. I was glad to find this thread on the forum, which I just joined yesterday. I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine we are here in KY. It's a bit cooler than the past couple of weeks, but beautiful just the same!
Mo
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I'm with you. But I don't see it as a lesbian issue. I see it as a women's issue. Maybe I have missed something as I just signed on last night, having had a diagnosis on Thursday.
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Hi Maureen, nice to meet you and welcome to our friendly thread
Hey Pepper!
Hmm......You must have missed something, I think you did, but that's okay. I don't feel all to comfortable when some women refer to their DH a lot and what *he* thinks of the new breast, and how they're getting the new breast for the DH. I can't relate
I don't do stuff to appease people. I just live ...at least try to live an authenic life. I kinda cringe when I hear women altering their body and adding foobies just for the hubby or partner or worse fear that they won't fit in if they don't. Somehow they're a freak without breasts.
BUT when women are doing it for themselves, that is a beautiful thing. I'm more focused on making sure, or trying to do all I can to make sure the cancer doesn't come back. If it does it does, but I don't want to have to deal with tissue expanders, more surgery, more pain, nope, my hearts not in it. I'm not in denial I LOVE my flat chest. Again, if someone judges me on that, why would I want them in my life? Some people just don't get it, but that's o.k. they can go on their merry way. We're not all going to "get it" but everyone finds their own way of "dealing with it" We can all vent here, everyone's different and just because you identify as queer doesn't mean you're going to identify with this thread. I still love the thread (polishing it up) I think it's swell even if some don't know what the point of it is, that's ok, I still want it to thrive for others who do get it
I get it, for some it serves a purpose for only a short time. Hope everyone's week went well!
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This site overall has been a life-saver for me - I've learned so much and was saved a lot of problems because I took others' experiences and used them to craft my own process. Sometimes, though, I just want to hang with like-minded folk with similar experiences to mine. As a lesbian in a long-term relationship, with 2 sons, with BMX but no reconstruction, an artist living in southern suburbia, that's pretty damn hard to find. So I'm just taking what I can from each thread - I'm OK with that. I'm not trying to get in anybody's face. I'll just continue to say what's on my mind - don't anyone take it personally.
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Good Morning
That sounds great Bookart, noone is getting up in anyone's face and what a waste that would be what would be the point? I love this site, without a doubt it has saved me 9 times over, but hopefully the point is finding people we can connect with on any level, what's the point of analyzing that? If I don't relate to someone, doesn't matter if she is queer and going through the same thing, I'm not going to hang out with that person, there's just a lot of takers out there, but there are some that are actually interested in a more mutual giving friendship. I think if we truly listen with our ears, and see with our eyes instead of judge, judge, judge we really can find true support and caring souls.
On the other hand their are the takers, they want to drain you for all the info you know about how to help their cause. That's the saddest thing "What's in it for me?" "What can I get out of you." How can you make MY journey easier, how can you help me and MY journey. I'm not talking about sharing info, helping out one another, mutually. I'm talking about consistently taking. The taking gets old. I don't want any part of someone who is all about themsleves. I know it is a scary time, and we have to be about ourselves but I think that does not have to be at the expense of others that are truly looking to connect and make possible friendships, not trancient ones who just want to take, take, take all the time because in there "noraml" world they have enough support, you are only there to use for info until they dump the board, just kinda sucks. I am saddened and disappointed to find that kind of person out here. Maybe some don't even know they are doing it but it just get's old.
I want to scream , hey I'm going through this whole breast cancer thing too ya know and it's NOT all about you! It would be a waste though, I would just be seen as a crabby cancer patient, or maybe an angry dyke, yes indeed some people just do not get it, even the one's that have it. Don't get me wrong I want to help as much as I can but I just get so aggraviated by some of the women that just want to drain you and use you for what you know and then they're on there merry way to drain more people of info to help them in whatever circumstance they are in, then they'll leave the board behind, like it was poop on their shoe. Isn't this journey suppose to be about everyone helping & giving not just taking???((((Big sigh)))) Had to vent....
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Hi Mo and Pepper!
Regarding the fake boobs....I opted not to have reconstruction for several reasons: I was told Lupus would leave me at higher risk for infections (the posts I've read about complications have just been awful), I was not that big breasted to begin with, and I did not want to put anything in my body that might hide something later on. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them (especially in Walmart!), but not enough to replace them with implants or even the fake rubber boobs (which remain in the box in the drawer). In terms of other people's decisions....they are theirs to make. If the decision is based on what I would view as healthy or unhealthy reasons....the decision is still theirs to make. Whether they are doing it for themselves or their husbands or their partners, I still respect that it is their decision. Personally, I just felt like there were other and bigger things to worry about than replacing my breasts.
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Scratch my previous post......I think that's just life and how some people are. I believe in supporting one another, that's all. Not just sucking information out of people for our own gain and that is all. I just always see the same people out there giving, giving, giving, Dee and Chainz I never even met you and I think you two are awesome! I just think it's rare nowadays to find people that are so willing to give for nothing in return. I guess takers are takers some things never change even when you are diagnosed with breast cancer. Both of you help so many and it just comes natural, you both have huge hearts, I hope you know how much you are appreciated. I am big on telling people how fantastic they are, when they truly are
Good point GML, there are bigger things to worry about. I respect every woman's decision on what they should do with her own body, I just cringe when I think in my heart it's probably not the right thing/health wise., I tell them how I feel and then politely, move on. I give it to the higher power, it's their body. I noticed my doctors were all for a lumpectomy even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted. They tried to sway me towards reconstruction $$$$$$$ even though, I didn't want it. I am confident enough in myself to say noway. Breast don't make the woman. Thrive on! Just my 3 cents.
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Awww shucks, now I'm gonna blush
Peace and Love to you all
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Okay, you've pulled me out of lurkdom!!
I'm still hesitant to post here, due to the spammers and the spies, but... well, here I am, because I so, so appreciate this conversation about how breasts aren't necessary to be happy/whole/beautiful/healthy!! THANK YOU!! Book, Chain, CS, thank you!! I so agree, and it's such a relief to hear all of this.CS, this is exactly it -
I'm more focused on making sure, or trying to do all I can to make sure the cancer doesn't come back. If it does it does, but I don't want to have to deal with tissue expanders, more surgery, more pain, nope, my hearts not in it. I'm not in denial I LOVE my flat chest. Again, if someone judges me on that, why would I want them in my life?And this, book -
Also, having seen many variations in breasts shapes and sizes (both through multiple lovers over the past 30 years and from several years of attending MWMF), I know that there is no perfect except in advertising or too young for me!I should begin by saying, I actually didn't have a mastectomy...I did not "need" one, i.e. a lumpectomy was "enough," so I still have both boobs and I'm halfway through radiation. I hate radiation and I still frequently wonder if I would have been better off with a bmx. I came very close to choosing bmx, but felt like everyone (friends, family, doctors) was appalled that I'd go for something "so extreme" when I didn't "need" to - of course, everyone tried to be neutral and keep their fears to themselves, but I could sense it underneath their carefully-chosen words!! And maybe what bothered me most is that when I was asking for advice about whether or not to choose bmx, so many women immediately launched into an explanation of how long and complicated the reconstruction process would be, even though I had NOT said I would get reconstruction! It bothers me that it's just ASSUMED that every woman would want reconstruction. I most certainly would not.
A few months ago, I found this 4-page journal entry I'd written for my women's studies class, all about how I love and appreciate my body for its health, strength, usefulness, and ability, not so much its appearance, and how much I don't care about all of the mainstream, patriarchy-induced beauty rituals that are either bad for women's health or at least unnecessary, and how I would never consider cosmetic surgery. Ten yrs later, I still feel the same, and would not consider fake boobs. Honestly, I think I would FREAK OUT to have something fake on my body, but I'm weird like that - I even freaked out over having braces as a teenager, not so much because they hurt or whatever, but because they were fake. I hated having a mouthful of metal, this foreign substance in me 24/7 for 4 yrs... ugh. I was so happy to finally have them out that I cried so hard I had to pull over while driving home.
It makes me SO sad to see posts on here from women whose husbands immediately ran for Viagara when their wives lost their breasts, and haven't touched their wives since. Breasts do not make a woman. We can so be happy and whole and amazing, with two breasts, one breast, or no breasts. I go to the MWMF every year and have seen so many different kinds of breasts and breast-less chests; it has all been normalized to me. When you see a naked woman with no breasts and a big mastectomy scar happily dancing by the stage at the Amy Ray concert just like everyone else, it's powerful. Breasts are not necessary for health, love, happiness! I wouldn't put myself through the pain and potential dangers of a surgery that's not medically necessary, especially since fake boobs do not have sensation...that, more than anything, makes me feel like they would be for others' benefit, not my benefit. If I couldn't feel them, I would feel like my reconstructed breasts would be just for looks, and I don't need that. And anyone who wouldn't want to get to know me if I had no breasts isn't the kind of person I'd want to know ANYWAY! Breastless chest = instant a**hole detector!
I told my surgeon on day one that I really REALLY did not care what my breast ended up looking like post-lumpectomy, and that my priority was simply to have all the cancer out, no matter what it took. However, her personal style is to take out as little as possible, getting small margins to keep breasts looking as nice as possible. And I understand that many, if not most women would want this, too - but I'm the opposite. So when I was left with unclear margins after surgery #1 (not the surgeon's fault, I know!), I sent her the following email:
i really REALLY am not worried about the shape/appearance of my post-surgical breast, and i appreciate that your norm is to try and not take out any more tissue than necessary, but it would give me more peace of mind if you take out even a little more than you have to. i'd prefer a dented-breast-with-wider-margins than a pretty-breast-with-small-margins. i mean, i'm not saying, "try and disfigure me!!", i'm saying, i will still love me and my boob whether it is round and whole, or scarred, dimpled, dented, smooshed, or GONE!
because i really do love my body. (yes, ANOTHER way in which i am a weirdo!! ) and i love my body mainly for its health, abilities, strength, usefulness...its appearance isn't my focus. i say thank you prayers at night for things like a heart that's been beating constantly for nearly 31 years since i was a tiny baby, and my eyeballs that are so small but make my world SO BIG, and breath that goes in and out and on and on like the ocean waves... bodies are amazing and i'm so grateful for the healthy, strong, able one that i've got, that i would feel silly fretting over things this sometimes-stupid world says women are "supposed" to, like the shape of my eyebrows or the hair on my legs or WHATEVER. i really am at peace with whatever my breast will look like after surgery, and YAY for clear margins no matter what it takes. I KNOW I'm weird... but I always have been!
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Good morning to all,
I have not had my coffee yet so please keep that in mind. Dee, I'm glad I made you blush but I speak the truth, and I call them as I see them, hope we meet sometime, I hope we all meet sometime, wouldn't that be wacky and grand at the same time
Raili, very true, my flat chest is an instant asshole detector, that's exactly how I feel.
I am worried about how much reconsruction was pushed on me. I am very strong willed, very confident in myself, I know exactly what I want, I'm not a pushover but the pressure to get reconstruction was HUGE (pardon the pun) it got so bad that my surgeon, who I absolutely adore said she did NOT feel comfortable operating until I went to a plastic surgeon. I went to one, for her. They took my co pay and sat me down in front of a 30 minute video that showed before and after of the whole reconstruction process, actual women, who had been through it and what they went through. I watched for 15 minutes in horror and shut it off, well, I was convinced. I walked back to the receptionist and said someone else can take my appointment. she gave me this disgruntled look and said "huh, what are you talking about?" I leaned a little closer to her, so that the 9 other scared women in the office didn't hear me and said "I am respectfully, not interested in the services you provide here." She looked completely perplexed "What are you saying, ya want ya co pay back??" I said "Oh as a matter of fact, yes." I took my $20 and opened the office door which exposed the outdoors. I big breeze came my way, I took a deep beath and was relieved because I went through it. I could go back and tell me surgeon, been there, done that, don't want it.
After my BMX was done, I made sure I told my surgeon "I don't regret a thing." I think she needed to hear it. I may sound like a man hating dyke when I say this and that's okay
) but it's a man's world through and through. Don't kid yourself, it's a man's world!!! Raili, all I can say is, I try to reach out to people who I feel might be a tad bit scared, might need support, even if I'm a tad bit scared myself. (I'm human) I do try, I try to be a compassionate person, an empathetic person, I try to treat people the way I myself would like to be treated. I try to be a fair person, a giving person, but after a point of trying to reach out to someone over and over again, there is a point where this human being gives up.
May everyone get through this Tuesday unscathed.....
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You're awesome, CS. Really really really.
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Now that you mention it CS, my surgeon did ask me about reconstruction (it must have been one of the other doctors that talked about risk of infection). He also asked about referring me to a plastic surgeon. I declined....think he raised an eyebrow but he didn't push it as far as I was concerned....but I'm sure other woman feel enormous pressure to do as others want....just as those same woman feel similar pressures in other areas of their lives.
And Raili you are so so right about those "carefully chosen words". I was given a choice of chemo first and lumpectomy second or mastectomy first and chemo second. I chose mastectomy first and then asked for a prophylactic mastectomy after my "wonderful" experience with chemo. I can FEEL it on people when they think that I over reacted. F*CK them, they can judge me when they get in the GD line to experience it.
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I was "lucky" in that my surgeon didn't hesitate when i said that i was prepared to do a BMX for DCIS - she agreed instantly that it was the best option for me. wow. Once that was established, my partner and I discussed reconstruction but agreed it wasn't for us - and it was a mutual decision. I don't know what I would have done if my partner had really wanted fake boobs on me. Probably kept arguing! I don't know that I would have easily walked out on a 10 year relationship over boobs - but I definitely would have played every guilt card, etc that I could. Fortunately, no one gave me grief either before or after about my choices. It does help make my recovery easier.
"Lucky" by the way, refers to the cancer, not my surgeon - my surgeon was great and so have been most of the people treating me. I wish everyone could have had my team. I had an interesting discussion with my cancer therapist yesterday - she pointed out that my encounters with the few a**holes who made comments about my sexuality were just another edcuational opportunity for me, along with the breast cancer awareness stuff I do. I'm OK with that, it's part of the reason I'm out in all phases of my life.
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Thanks Raili, GML I hear you and Bookart DCIS is kinda lucky in the cancer world, Stage 0 is better than stage 1 or higher. Don't get me wrong it all sucks, night all.
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Good morning ladies, it's been a while since I've dropped by so I had a whole discussion to catch up on, but i confess -most of it's not really registering. Partly because I only got about 3 hour so of sheep last night and partly because I have my own contradiction thoughts and feelings on it. I went with immediate reconstruction based solely on the pressure of my surgeon and the fear she put in my head that my partner, while agreeing with my decision not to reconsrtuct may actually just be telling me what I hear. Having been in a previous relationship where that was a huge issue, I worried that might be the case this time as well. Honestly, they have presented more problems than not doing it could ever have caused. Lesson learned; follow your own instincts and let others adjust to what you chose, or not depending on their own baggage.
I've been busy as all hell trying to get ready for my surgery, I had a long list of things to do that I would ordinarily had all spring to accomplish but having only 3 weeks to prepare I went into overdrive trying to get it all done. Mission accomplished, but now I'm beat and ready to get this surgery over with. I watched a video on line of the ankle replacement surgery I am having; the surgery seems sraight forward enough, it's the bone marrow aspirations for the mass in my tibea and in the lower joint that makes me nervous more than anything. I'll be very happy if the pathology turns out to be nothing more than cysts caused by the arthritis.. I have a little over 5 hours before I go under the knife and I am looking forward to getting it over with so I can begin the healing and rehab. I pray this fixes the problem and I can once again walk without a limp and walk for long distances with out crutches/boots/ or canes. I'm a little too young yet to sport a cane
I hope you all continue your posts and everything goes well while I am missing in action. I have no idea when I'll be capable of logging on but even in absence I will be thinking of you wonderful ladies here and hoping all is going well for our group.
XOXO ~ peace out
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Good luck and a speedy recovery to you navygirl.
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Navygirl,
Hang in there, my thoughts are with you. I just try to do the "one day at a time" thing, it's not just a cliche.
Peace and love to all,
CS
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Good luck Navy girl...we'll be waiting on ya!
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Sending you good energy, navygirl!! Hope everything goes well! Looking forward to having you back here!
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Good evening to everyone.
I hope you don't mind me posting this here, but I'm trying to muster up all the support I can get for this amazing woman. This is a pretty incredible woman and her husband seems like a great guy, this is what he posted. Please help her out, take a few minutes out of your day to register and vote, tell a friend. All he wants for his wife is a make over. She is only up by a couple of votes, let's help a fellow sister out. It seriously only takes 30 seconds to register and vote. See below. The deadline is tomorrow. Thank you for helping her out.
My wife was diagnosed w/ node positive TN and completed dd AC/T (had our daughter after round 3 of AC) plus Xeloda/Navelbine and Zometa. She is near her two year anniversary and our daughter is well too. Also, if you would like to support her, a local Mom Magazine has a contest for her to win a makeover/cover story. She could use some support from her TN sisters - the link is also below (please share the link with others if you would like). Thank you for your support!!
Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgrqJBJvOC8
Link to vote for Linda (by Apr 22) for a makeover:
http://mommag.com/local/mid-valley/mom-makeover-contest/nominee/Linda%20Blair
Thank you! Rob
Update Apr 21: Only 1 more day, thank you for all the support, keep voting and share with others as it is very close! Here are the current standings (Linda Blair):
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Hey Navy - wishing you well - hope it goes smoothly, negative pathology and your rehab/recovery creates steady improvement. Hope you have great rehab - it can be fun!
Cancer - I do know how lucky I am - Stage 0 rocks in comparison to higher stages. Would much rather not be stage anything, though. I'm 4th generation to get BC, and hopefully with earlier detection, more radical and thorough surgery and better follow-up, I will be the first to make 5 year survival. My mother had DCIS, too - same grade and kind as mine. BTW - can I vote even though I'm not from TN? I'll do it if I can.
See ya'll - tomorrow is long-ass day.
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Voted for Linda!
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Navy - I wish you a speedy recovery and please let us know how you are doing!
CS - I voted and passed on the word! I really don't know how that other person keeps pulling ahead? I still wonder if someone really is voting for mickey mouse...LOL!!!
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I swear Chainz I think the other woman is voting for herself?
I just hope Linda Blair wins, we will soon know, it closes at midnight.
Okay, I just wanted to share with the thread one of my experiences from meeting another cancer survivor, she's queer also but that nothing to do with anything. We get a long, very much so, did from the get go. So...she recently said "G, I'm a little reluctant to be friends with you because even though you seem like an awesome person, a good person, your stage 1 breast cancer, I fear that you're going to die soon."
Okay, umm......OUCH! Do people forget I'm a human being?
Am I seriously just cancer now or looked at as not even worth getting to know?
Here's the thing, she's in her early 30's, she was diagnosed with cancer as well, stage 3 stomach cancer. She just got done with chemo, am I missing something?
It just makes me want to run fa fa fa away from her, it's to bad because other then that bizarre comment, she seemed cool.
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I hope many people are doing the ebay lurk and waiting to vote for linda in mass right before the voting ends :> I just wonder how is voting so much for the other lady? It's very weird indeed...hmmmm.
CS - your first instinct is right. RUN! It's strange someone with stage III would say that to you? Who needs that drama anyway? There are so many amazing people out there, just wait for one of them to drop into your life. When it is right, everything falls into place :> You are gonna grow old with some wonderful person, and cancer can suck it....LOL!!!!
I'm off to the beach (San Diego) tomorrow, so TTYL!!!
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CS, wow, I'm so sorry she made such an awful comment when she otherwised seemed like such a great friend!!
My guess is that her own cancer is bringing up a lot of fears for her, and that's how they manifest - it's maybe too scary for her to confront the possibility of her own death (not that SHE is going to die, either, but it's a normal/common fear!!), so she's projecting that onto you. Okay, that's my armchair psychologist theory. People say such stupid things sometimes when it comes to cancer. Two days ago when I was getting a crown on my tooth, the dentist let me listen to his Alison Krauss CD with big headphones and that was really nice, but after about an hour of drilling and blood, when I assumed I had avoided the Cancer Conversation entirely, he suddenly pulled the headphones away from my head to nearly shout at me, "You're going to be okay!!! You know that, don't you?? You're doing so many good things, so you're going to be okay! If you weren't doing all those good things, you would NOT be okay!! There's got to be a silver lining in this, we'll find it somewhere!!" Ughhhhh gimme the headphones back!! For starters, I just want to clobber anyone who says the words "silver lining" to me, and also, what's up with him implying that if I were "doing bad things," I would DIE DIE DIE from the cancer?? Does he mean that people who have cancer and "don't do good things" are the ones who are in danger of dying?? SO STUPID. OOHHHHH, and then there was this acquaintance of mine who "jokingly" asked if I was pissed off at my mom for passing down her genes to me. DON'T GO THERE! I don't even HAVE a family history of breast cancer, and my mom the most supportive person of all, and why would I be mad at her?? That was about as stupid as my other friend who offered to punch my surgeon in the nose for not getting clear margins!! AS IF my surgeon would purposefully go, "eh, let's leave a little bit of the cancer in there, and see what happens." OMG, people bug me.
Whew, thanks for letting me get all that out...didn't realize I needed to until I was typing like a madwoman.
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Everyone needs to vent once in awhile Raili, I think it's very healthy.
I think people give us hints, red flags if you will, that they are going to leave skid marks if anything goes wrong in our life. I ignored many, many, many tell tale signs, I don't anymore.
I just pick my friends carfeully now. I wasn't so careful before, now I see how important it is. I refuse to waste any energy on people who exhibit tell tale signs.
Some people mean well, but then they say a comment that makes you cringe, being diagnosed with cancer taught me to be aware of people's intentions, agenda's and the best kind of human being is one that doesn't have any. Their only agenda's are to make you laugh and smile. It's a two way street though. Unfortunately those humans are harder to find, such is life. Maya Angelou spoke volumes about this when I saw her perform spoken word. That woman is full of wisdom, well off to the gym.
Have a good weekend to everyone!
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Linda Won, I'm so glad for her, I wish the other woman could have won as well, but of course life is not like that.
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Yay! Glad Linda won.
I'm a "whatever" person - otherwise known as a duck - I let most things roll right off me. Occasionally I'm left with my jaw hanging by the insensitivity or sheer stupidity of some folk; my own mother used to be particularly thoughtless, so I grew a thick(ish) skin. I'm usually more appalled than hurt, but I also feel bad when it is targeted at someone else and get up in arms then in defense of them. On the other hand, I'm perfectly capable of opening mouth and inserting foot myself, as I was raised by one of the best. Sigh. So I try to give all idiots at least one freebie, and then try my best to educate them, if they're worth it.
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