Calling all TNs
Comments
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Thank you, my friends!
I am trying to catch up. I am feeling better, got darn drain out past tuesday, stitches out this coming wednesday. Implant on left still feels heavy and tight, right reduction looks good. Sheesh, shda had a reduction 10 yrs ago. Lol.
I am fighting anxiety and depression. Is it the surgery? The trip neg? I cant figure it out. But it stinks. I should be glad I am almost done, but I feel pretty awful. Not physically... Mentally. I am trying so hard. Maybe I need some meds? Am looking for a therspist this week. I am sorry to be a downer on here, but I know you understand. And if you can do this, so can I. I just am not sure how to get rid of these feelings. Thank you so much for being here!
Hugs
Arlene
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Arlene, I'm sorry to hear about your depression. It's a tough condition to manage. I have way too much experience with it. My most recent bout was about 6 months before DX and was just getting the right combo of meds when I found that nasty lump. I was able to continue with same meds throughout TX and then weaned off them a year or so after completion of TX. Today I'm fine. I say yeah for meds, both depression and chemo types. I think your plan for a therapist is a great idea and I wish you the best. Jan
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Arlene, - I think that we all go through bouts of feeling that way. It's been a long, uncomfortable, trying time, and it gets to us! Totally understandable! Once you are feeling better physically, and more like yourself, you will feel better emotionally, too! Keep your chin up!
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thank you, jan and nycgirl. It truly helps having all of you here, and knowing you understand!
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Arlene, it's so common to go through this adjustment after completion of treatment, it's hard finding that new normal. We feel that we aren't doing anything to fight this battle- treatment is over and we are stranded by ourselves. This is scary and we need time to relax and realize that life goes on and we will find ourselves surviving. Each day gets a bit better and one day you'll wake up and realize that cancer wasn't the first thing you thought about. But it takes time. I know that I'll be going through this again, I suspect it may be more difficult after my recurrence but I really don't want to live in fear. Living in fear does not change one thing- it robs us of living in gratitude and joy.
I also think that anesthetic can leave us feeling less than ourselves. Give yourself time to heal. Finding a good therapist who understands what we survivors go through is great to help sort the feelings we are left with. For me, although my daughter is a therapist and has urged me to see one after my recurrence, I realized that being the control freak that I am- I couldn't give up my control to deal with this. Cancer has taken a lot of that control from me, I had to deal with my emotions my way. I will go if I'm finding it difficult to transition from treatment to no treatment, but I'm thinking time is what is needed. And NO MORE RECURRENCES!
HUGSxxx
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Arlene, what you're feeling is perfectly normal! The fears hit me at the end of treatment also. I was on meds and seeing a therapist. Shari is correct though. Time is the best thing for this! If you need meds and/or therapy, then by all means try them, but for me they were only a bandaid fix. I found that seeing a therapist was actually harder on me because talking about it for an hour each week made it worse for some reason! Staying busy is what helps me the most. This week I was having bowel/IBS issues which are still the hardest things for me to deal with due to having C Diff before. Ugh!! Damn C Diff!!! Damn cancer too for that matter!! Anyway, I also had a bad headache, leg pains, etc., but instead of staying home letting the fears get the best of me, I went to the Doberman rescue a couple of days then I picked up a Doberman someone gave up to take to the rescue. All the outdoor work and walking at the kennel is probably the reason for some of the pains I was having. I also ran a lot of errands and it truly helped keep my mind from wandering. I still have bad days but the bad thoughts and crying fits haven't lasted ALL day like in the past. Hang in there!! I'm praying for you! Stay busy once you're recovered from surgery but be kind to yourself as well,and we are all here for you too! Don't forget that!
Same goes for you too Shari. I'm praying for you as well!
Hope everyone has a good rest of the weekend! Love all of ya'll!! XOXO!!
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Thank you Shari and Luv
You are mind readers. I am not sure I want to re-hash all of this with a therapist?I think the constant reminders, i.e. the baldness, the eyebrows that had the nerve to fall out 6 wks PFC, the family and friends that ask me daily how I am doing (I have some nerve being bothered by that!), the surgery, the doc appts, the new boobs...(sheesh, this BC is never-ending), are making me more depressed, and making it difficult to move forward. And I sometimes feel like BC has taken over, and I will never get myself back.
Part of me just wants a lifetime RX for ativan! Funny thing is, I only take it at night when I can't fall asleep because I am saving it for an "emergency!" Lol
So, do I just see my Primary doc and ask for a temporary rx, (any suggestions?) and stand my ground with family and friends, who think I need a therapist? I am not sure what I need, and I sure don't want to make things worse. I understand that time will help, and as soon as my PS okays it, I will be back to the gym and more active.I know I am not busy enough yet, can't wait to have stitches out and restrictions lifted.
I will hope that this is some post surgical "crazies," that will lighten up soon. Thank you for listening, and your good advice.
Thanks for being here-Hugs!
Arlene
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Arlene, - I agree that rehashing this with a therapist may, or may not, help. Some may be good, - but I think you can give yourself a little time to heal first and then decide.
When you are physically feeling better and can get back to some of your regular routine, you will be focused on other things, and you will be less involved with dr appointments, and medical issues. Friends and family mean well, but don;t really understand unless they, too, have been on a cancer journey.
My closest friend has been dealing with pancreatic cancer. She and I can share our feelings and can support each other in a way that even our spouses are unable to. It is much like the support that we are able to find here on these boards.
On a side note, - I just watched a program on TV about NYC treats, and it included a place in Staten Island called the "Cookie Jar". Looked DELICIOUS! Bet that would be a good place to find some distraction!
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Nycgirl, I lived right up the block from "The Cookie Jar," when it first opened. I told friends they could get "high" on the sweet smells, when you opened the door. I now live about 2 miles away...Wait! I can smell the oatmeal raisin from here!
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Nycgirl, thank you...I really have some thinking to do re: therapy. It's just that I get some moments of anxiety that make me freeze. No motivation to do anything, except feel scared and miserable. I want that to go away, but I think I may need to experience some of these feelings so I may get past them. I know there is no set formula for any of us. The "What's Next?" seems to be the hardest for me. I think I felt this same way after the mx and when I finished chemo. I have to get busier and buy some cookies!
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Cookies are always helpful! No wonder I put on 20 pounds ;-( Arlene if you think you need meds (Ativan), then try your MO or PCP. I know my MO gives them out in two pills RX! - cheap! She only gives them to me for difficult procedures, like MRI. I've heard of a lot of women who can get it to help get through this cancer anxiety, so it would be worth speaking to one of your Dr.'s to try for an RX. As far as a therapist, I tend to agree about the rehashing. I'm sure what we go through is common- it's been life altering and we all need time to work through the feelings, but if its interfering with everyday life all the time, you may benefit from it. Don't let this rob you from enjoying life! I found I needed a 'grief' time, then I realized I didn't like being in that frame of mind and tried to busy myself with things- distractions. It has helped, but I still have 3 chemos to go before I'm left with dealing with the ' stranded' feeling and searching for a new normal.
Maybe you can speak to your MO about how your feeling and schedule closer check ups to assure you?
Hugs to everyone going through this- at least we all understand and can support each other-this is the best group, thank you!
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Arlene, there's nothing wrong with trying some medication and/or therapy to see if it would help. What you're feeling is all normal. Just keep that in mind. I also freeze and lose motivation to do anything in the moments I feel scared. They are not lasting as long as they used to though like I said. Knock on wood! Lol.Sometimes I still give myself a pep talk. Haha! I'll be like ok, Stephanie, just because you have a headache it doesn't mean you have brain mets, it will pass just like it always does, you had chronic headaches way before cancer. Or you had diarrhea from being stressed and eating too much junk, it's NOT C Diff!!!! Then I'm like ok time to move on. Hahaha!
Do whatever works for you. This too shall pass!! I'm praying praying praying. Hang in there hon! HUGS!!!
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Arlene when we are first diagnosed with cancer we have to find the strength and the willpower to get through the myriad of tests and procedures and fears and doubts. Nobody can help us with our fears and doubts because they are just not going through it. Then comes the surgery (if you have that first) so we have to find the strength and courage again. Then comes the chemotherapy which we are all fearful about and so we have to find that strength again somehow and then again for the radiation, all with the support of our doctors and oncologists. We lose all of our hair, eyebrows and hair in other places and wonder if we will ever feel normal again. But all of a sudden we are relegated to - right your treatment is done, the two week rule applies and we will see you in such and such a time. Wait a minute, what the heck, you'll see me when? the two week rule applies? Do they really think we are going to wait two weeks if we have horrendous headaches, weakness, vomiting etc, like hell we are. The two day rule would be more like it. We are not left with the added support of Arimidex or Tamoxifen because we are triple negative an aggressive form of the cancer yet apart from the, so many months away appointment, we are left with nothing. Our hubby's may think we are cured, our friends may not call so often because we have gone through treatment and are not quite so interesting anymore. Then, we wonder why we get depression, anxiety sets in and have no motivation and are petrified of it coming back. We are so intent on the "two week rule" we just can't think further than that. What does this mean for us now, will it come back, will we be able to return to a "normal" life. These and heaps more questions go around in your head until you can no longer sleep properly or think properly. That's when you come on here and talk to these ladies because they "get it". They know exactly what we have been through and are still going through. You can cry your eyes out, swear to your hearts content, and just rant and rave. I'm not sure a therapist can help us because they haven't been through it and how can you help someone if you don't know what they mean. Not only that we can type to our hearts content to the ladies on here yet would be reluctant to talk to someone about it who hasn't been there, Sure pills help for a while but they never come without some sort of side effect or withdrawal symptom.
You have courageously gone through your treatment and are now just left with a heavy tight left boob which will get better with time and that is the crux of the matter - time. Everyday when you wake up be glad it's raining, be glad it's winter and freezing cold, be glad that summer is not so far away. Easier said than done but you get better at it with practice. Come on and talk to the girls on here and laugh as much as you can. Take up a hobby that holds your interest, anything to stop those thoughts from wandering and soon you will find that you don't think about cancer every day, sure you will get the odd niggle of pain somewhere and wonder, but it will go away. You will come through this and your depression will go as you feel better and your boobs get perkier!!.
Have you ever noticed how the ladies on here manage to write a very small post but get all their thoughts into it and I write a book. lol
My biggest worry today is mice. I have got mice. To the right of our house and all across the back there is a huge big park and we get field mice. To say the cat is on to it is like saying I won the lottery. He will only lift his head off the settee if you dangle the darn things in front of his nose but my cocker spaniel Tessa is a marvel at catching them. She whinges and frantically runs around so I know she has found one. So good on Tessa.
Have a good day ladies. Keep up with those positive thoughts and keep warm, it's very cold here
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Cocker, - you write so well, - YOU should be a therapist! (Send of of that cold weather here! It is hot, humid, and awful!)
Arlene, - go have some cookies for us all!
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Very well done Cocker! You are awesome and are a great therapist like AnotherNYCgirl said
Thosemice though! I HATE those things! I will literally mutilate those bastards if I see them! They carry diseases and poop everywhere. Ugh!!!
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Thank you, Shari, Steph, and Anothernycgirl. I value your opinions and advice. I don't want to talk about this forever, just want that "normal" that I never was! Lol. I really am (was?) tough!
I have made up my mind. Cocker, You are my therapist! Your words ring so true. And I know time takes time. And coming on here and knowing you all really, for real, understand and "get it," certainly helps me. Cocker, I am saving your msg so I can get at it easily. I think it will help me a lot. Thank you so much. I wish I could bring Augie over, he'd love a midnight snack. Lol
Hugs to All
Arlene
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Arlene it's a long way to come but I can fit you in on Friday at 10.30am. No seriously, we are a force to be reckoned with on here. We can give each other something that oncologists and doctors can't because we have been there. They can dish out the meds and treatment but we can give each other the complete understanding, love and friendship. As soon as everything grows back!! and you are back to exercising you will feel better.
As for Augie can you parcel him up and send him to me. He is so beautiful. I could fall in love with him so easily especially if he can catch mice.
Remember that funny poem ladies:
You cry, I cry,
You laugh, I laugh,
You hurt, I hurt
You jump off bridge, I gonna miss you.
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hi Cocker
Friday works for me!
Thank you, again. I feel a bit better today. Still not sure if I should ask someone (primary doc, MO?) for something to get me over this hump. I would so prefer to get through this without a shrink or meds. Had enough meds, thank you very much! Lol
Augie is a shelter mutt I tried to make into a Therapy Dog. Unfortunately, he has some fear aggression issues, and is on constant alert guarding Me! But once he trusts, he is a lovable 80 lb lap dog. And he sure loves to chase rodents. Pulled a baby opposum out of the bushes one night, thinking I needed a snack! Ugh! Lol.
Hugs to all my friends and Life Savers on here!
Arlene
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Arlene I so "get it". I was finally able to relax and bam...got a new primary in the other breast. My BS told me it was "great" that it was new. I looked at her like she had two heads. I had finally married the man of my dreams at the age of 54 and it happened again, Nothing wrong with you asking your primary doc for something to help you. Believe me it works. Also, time does have a way of helping and you will find yourself thinking...hey I didn't think about cancer today.
Shari...you are in my thoughts and I wish you the best. You words are so encouraging and you seem so positive.
Cocker...I appreciate your words of wisdom...you are so right on and on point. Thanks!
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shorfi
Oh that stinks! Ihope you are feeling better now, and your man is taking goodcare of you. I put in a call to my MOs NP. She's great... I am hoping for some direction from her.
Hugs
Arlene
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shari
I saw you on the april chemo thread. I am so sorry you feel lousy. I am hoping tomorrow will be better for you!
OH, THIS ALL SUCKS!!! Maybe if we get mad we'll feel better?
Hugs
Arlene
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I have experienced many of these chemo side effects and it is so embarrassing when I am in a meeting and cannot remember what I wanted to say. Can any of our ladies on here relate to this.
Things Anybody Who's Experienced Chemo Brain Can Relate To
Angela BankerWe have all heard of chemo brain. It is often referred to as a mental cloudiness or fog. It's a decrease in one's mental sharpness that often coincides with the effects of chemotherapy. Perhaps it could be caused by a lack of sleep or low blood counts. Either way, chemotherapy-related cognitive impairment is not pleasant to experience. What does chemo brain feel like? And how can you ease the symptoms? Read the list below.
Symptoms
- Feeling Slow – Many people with chemo brain report feeling slow in their thinking and mental processing. This can become awfully frustrating when you need to think on your feet. Figuring out a problem that has arose may take much longer than it normally would.
- Forgetting Things I Already Know – In elementary school you learned your basic math facts; you drilled those into your rote memory. When your daughter asks you to quickly correct her math page, you become flustered. What was 6 x 4 again? Or when you have worked in the same cubicle next to your co-worker for the last four years and you simply cannot remember their name even when it's at the tip of your tongue.
- Lack Of Concentration – While sitting in a meeting, you noticed you cannot recall the last five minutes. What were we discussing again? You just hope one of your co-workers is kind enough to fill in those gaps you missed. Where did your mind go during the meeting? You can't remember!
- Losing Your Train Of Thought – You are having a great conversation with your best friend when all of a sudden you forgot what you were talking about. It doesn't happen just once, but multiple . . . Wait! What was I saying again?
- Forgetting The Simple Things – Those small, everyday things can be the hardest to remember at times. You may rush out the door and get to your car before you question yourself, "Did I lock the front door?" You may get all the way to work before you call and question your husband, "Did I turn off the iron?" You could return home to notice you failed to turn off the television when you left earlier. image: http://d6i6hf2dnlt9c.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/14021349/bald-woman_shutterstock_271160804-600x314.jpg
- Trouble Multi-tasking – Multi-tasking is an art form. When you add chemo brain into the mix, it becomes more difficult. Trying to do two or three things at once during this time is challenging. You can cook and talk on the phone at the same time most days, but when you have chemo brain, you tend to forget that spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove top.
- Difficulty Learning New Things – Focus and concentration are qualities that go into learning. Chemo brain often affects each of those making learning that new skill even harder to do. Imagine you have been a dancer since high school. Learning your new routines now is taking twice, sometimes three, times longer.
- Forgetting What You Were Going To Do – You stopped cleaning the kitchen in mid-clean to grab something in the living room. As soon as you walk in there, you ask yourself the 4 W's. Why did I come in here? What was I going to do? Where was I really going? When did I forget?
- Difficulty Speaking – That moment when you can't remember what your favorite box of cereal is called – "That box, over there, in that thing. It's red. It's this tall. It's . . . " – can be embarrassing. Often times you know what you are talking about, but you just can't seem to get the right words out.
- Mental Fatigue – Add this to the lack of focus and the inability to concentrate. Your mind is just tired. Your brain feels overworked early in the afternoon leading to more confusion when you're trying to follow a conversation. You could use a mental nap and find zoning out is becoming a frequent habit
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Agh, just lost a whole post I wrote- damn neuropathy fingers!
Arlene thank you. I was told the chemo I'm on is very hard on blood. I guess I didn't really understand what that meant. I'm having a hard time with the utter exhaustion I'm left with. I try and sleep but wake up physically more and more exhausted. I feel like I'm sleeping my summer away and that depresses me. I have 3 more to go, then 3 weeks no chemo and back to work. Where has summer gone? I feel fat (20# up) and lazy. When I got done putting groceries away yesterday, I realized I can't do it anymore. I was sweating Profusely and out of breath. That had me upset- I feel I can't even contribute to running our home. My DH works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and I'm in bed for what seems like 10 hours. I know it's not my fault, but I just hate having no energy, and of course the side effects are accumulating and getting more noticeable. Just have to remind myself, I'm almost there.
Cocker, I did find chemo brain (and in my case stupid brain- I was going some really out of character dumb things!) was real, but by 11/2 years out, I felt almost back to myself, with the exception of remembering people's names. While in the thick of it, I would make out loud verbal notes to remember things- "Shari, your putting your phone in your bag" which I found helped me. I also wrote notes. Finding the right word was frequently a challenge But did improve with time.
Hope everyone is doing well, your all in my thoughts
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No it's not your fault Shari. My second time around was harder, and I stayed home for 2 months from the mastectomy and I literally stayed in bed most of the time. My husband did everything. My chemo came later a couple of months after the surgery and getting chemo and going to work was a bit much. I can't even clean my house like I am used to doing. I am so fat and fluffy now and my MO said I could blame her for that "fluff". Doesn't help that the Neurontin is packing on pounds and I honestly watch what I eat...like I did last night eating 5 chocolate covered pretzels that my girlfriend made me. I wish people would not give me food as gifts.
You are almost done and you get to have that nice break afterwards. Rest as much as you can and don't feel guilty about it.
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Thank you shorfi. I'm sorry you went through that as well. It's not fun! I was planning on making a fruit crumble today, but no energy. Tomorrow is chemo so that's out. The fruit better not go bad!
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Jan - thank you so much! I'm so glad to hear your daughter was able to become a mother through IVF!
Cocker - my husband and I had 2 failed IVF's just prior to me being diagnosed with cancer. Both of us had issues, but mine was poor egg quality. We had actually decided to use donor embryos before the cancer, so the plan is to still use donor embryos but our friend will carry them. It was quite hard for us to find peace with not having biological children, but now I'm nothing but excited about this path for us. I feel like the baby that is placed in our arms will be the baby we were always meant to have, and I now realize it's love that makes a family...not DNA.
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Oh Ally, You are so right. A baby placed in your arms will be the most perfect person in the world. What a thrill that day and every day after will be. Thinking good thoughts. Jan
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Perfectly said! It's the love and devotion that makes a family.
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hey everyone. I haven't been on like I was in the thick of things but I find myself 2 yrs after my diagnosis worrying alot. I still have memory and focus issues from chemo, my joints ache and I have shoulder pain...WTF?
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relocated, - i feel all those same things =/
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