Great saying about depression
Comments
-
Good point Deter....
0 -
One thing that stops me is that when going to groups there are always people( women in this case) at all different stages in this disease. In my case I'm one of the luckier ones not having the disease progress as far as others so I know I wouldn't say anything or feel comfortable expressing my complaints when others have more to deal with. On the flip side I went to a parent's support group of kids with special needs. Well in this case most of the kid's have very minimal problems where my child would have had the most sever problems. So I didn't feel comfortable speaking up as I didn't want to overload everyone or "take the spotlight". In otherwords I don't think I feel comfortable or can do what I need to do for help in a group situation -- well except maybe here. Hope this makes sense and I didn't offend anyone.... sorry having trouble saying this.
0 -
Determined: The problem is I have to travel 20 miles East or West because there isn't anything at my local hospital.
Kate: I do the same darned thing! Crazy isn't it? I feel exactly the same way.
0 -
Kate and MBJ - Definitely make the call and see someone. It can really help to talk things through with someone other than family and friends. Sometimes talking isn't enough though. I just went back on Celexa and that's really helped. I had been taking Celexa for awhile for anxiety (not depression, but it works on both), but had to go off of it back in August because it was contraindicated with the heavy-duty antibiotic I had to go on for my staph infection. I didn't go back on the medication until last week. Emotionally, I had been relatively ok until after my exchange, and then all the feelings I hadn't been dealing with for months (was too busy dealing with the pain and going from one surgery to the next) suddently rushed to the surface. I still don't feel like my old pre-BC self, but the medication helps me feel a little more like my old self.
Stanzie - I agree with you about support groups. Unless you can find one where everyone has similar diagnoses and treatment plans, I don't think they'd be as helpful. Here on BCO, you can choose which threads to read and post on, and even within a thread, you can choose which posts to read or not read. I was going to go to a support group a friend who had BC recommended, but the moderator told me most of the women in the group were going through chemo, so much of the discussion was about chemo and its side effects. Since I fortunately don't need chemo, that wouldn't have been the right group for me, although for some people (like my friend), it would be great.
0 -
I'm not a fan of groups either. I find that someone is too much drama, someone else isn't willing to "work", etc. I have no patience for people who aren't willing to make an effort or just want smoke blown up their ass. Blunt. Me. At least I know me.
0 -
I'm usually the quietest on in the group. I have to travel 15-30 miles to get to a support group. I have a teenager with special needs and the same with finding a support group for him. I never felt like I fit in. I do find a lot of support on these boards even if I am just reading other's comments. These ladies are great.
0 -
I'm not a big fan of the in-person support group thing, either. Like Stanzie, there's always the person that makes you feel so guilty that you need help when they are going through so much more, the one that wants to make it all about them, the one that acts like the whole thing is a big social event, etc, etc, etc. The one that scares me the most is the one who's been going for DECADES because I think, OMG, am I still going to need therapy from this 20 years from now?!? So much easier to find you lovely ladies and type away in my p.j.'s-posting when I feel like it and just reading when I don't. Thanks for being here.
0 -
I hear all of you. I have never been a support group person or a retreat type person at church. Too private. The one I go to is only for women that have had a mastectomy. It is for the purpose of helping get through the emotional impacts of that journey alone. I find it very helpful to be able to talk to people who have been through this surgery as I am tired of women saying "a breast doesn't define you" or other stupid things. Until you have had this surgery as many of you know you don't have a clue at all the layers. It is different than having breast cancer and a lumpectomy. Not minimizing what these women have gone through just stating facts it is a different ball game.
I also continue to go so that if a women joins that is just fresh from this surgery I can hopefully help her.
That is why it is important for there to be many different forums so women get the help where they need it and feel comfortable. I know there are women in the mastectomy group that use to go to the general breast cancer group that found it not helpful because it is different than having breast cancer and a lumpectomy. Each of us need to go where we are most helped and feel fine about it. That is what I am reading and I am glad each of you are searching or have found the right place. It is too important that we be supported in this journey.
0 -
It is dangerous to be the "quiet one" in a group as you become a target as every wants to "draw you out". Also a passive/aggressive technique; why go if you're not going to talk? Listening is taking, you have to give you or you aren't part of the group. I'm just sayin'.....
0 -
I joined a group of women with BC when I was first diagnosed and going through chemo. All of the women who mad MX's had moved on or gone back to work by the time I had my MX and there was one woman who always showed up late (lumpectomy gal) who then wanted to monopolize the conversation and talk about who she was or wasn't dating. I quit going mostly because of her--she was a very self involved person who used people to get them to do her bidding and I always wanted to punch her because she always went on and on about how hard it was on her having cancer. Just talking about her makes me angry. The group that I do miss was an Art Therapy Group I went to that had women with all types of cancer--I was the only one with an MX. However, it's in the middle of the day on the West side and if I go my whole day is gone and then I am just stuck in traffic coming home so it's impractical and inconvenient to go to groups here. You would think in Los Angeles they would have plenty of support groups but they have none!
Hadley: I used to go to an all women's ACA many, many years ago and it was very helpful at the time but I moved and then never again found a group that I liked.
0 -
I went to a local in person support group once and it just wasn't my thing- I remember there was a woman who was stage 4 but was now NED for a long time and that was uplifting - but then I remember when she was telling her story- she didn't know details of her medical stuff- and for me- I have to know everything, understand everything- information is power- how anyone can just put it all in the docs hands- blows my mind. I have found they only address things cause I know enough to ask! And I've had several docs ask if I have a nursing background, cause they seem shocked I actually understand things!! I want to answer- no I just have a BRAIN.
And then I'm a lot younger than most, and there is a support group for younger women in town, but honestly most of the key issues for younger women- dealing with career, young children, being able to have children etc- those just aren't issues for me. I come here, that's more than enough for me. I can connect with other women with similar issues,I read a lot more than I post, but i can come here 24/7- when I need to.
I also agree that the time to be offering help to bc survivors is after the fact- I remember getting a couple phone calls shortly after dx from local places- asking if I wanted to be set up with a mentor, need any other help. At that time, I was in gather infomation, deal with surgery, chemo, etc... I really felt like I was dealing okay, had all my questions answered (cause I did the research!). But for me it was a year later when I needed help- and then there's nothing.
I did start seeing a therpist and I do feel like that has been very helpful. It is not a waste of time- it is worth it.
0 -
Just found this topic,
I have always tried to take the philosophy, forgiven but not forgotten (I know it should forgive and forget) but sometimes what is said is too hurt full and you loose a friend. As you all are saying, you learn to know who to count on.
I go to our cancer care group at my church every first Monday of the month. It involves all types of cancer, I would say 1/3 of the group is surviving BC. A good friend of mine started her journey two months before me and it has helped talking to her. She also goes to the care group with me. They are all so very supportive at my church and I feel I can share what is on my heart. It is important to have someone you can trust to share your feeling of doubt and frustration.
I am trying to made BC my blessing not my curse, as I am not going to allow it to control me, I know easier said than done at times. It has opened me up to a new sisterhood of friends, you learn who you can count on. My DH and DS have be my rock in giving me support at home. I have reevaluated who I am and what is important to me. That being said, I do have difficulties each day as I have figured out I have been dealing PTSD "Post-traumatic stress disorder".
I had Bi Mastectomy with recon, two weeks out got post op infection and had to take out right TE, left one OK. That was in May last year, start chemo June ended Oct 1. Tried recon prior to radiation in Nov, got another infection, was topical but not healing well then a hole in skin appeared had to take TE out again. Was so depressed from Thanksgiving through the New Year. Thinking about recon buts me back in to depression and tears will not stop. Talking with both BS and PS about recon this week, I'm not going to continue with it. Instead of doing an exchange with left TE I am going to tell PS to close it and tighten both sides. It was not some snap decision, as I talked it over with DH, he just wants me happy and healthy. I have prayed about it before making the decision and when I did I felt a weight lifted from my shoulder. I know I will be able to get through all this a better stronger person, but boy it bites some days. A new BC friend told me from the beginning that when you feel overwhelmed, just cry in the shower that be your down time and all the tears are washed away. I am into my 2nd week of rads and it is going as smoothly as possible and I am also on Femara and doing ok no major SE but sure adds to the emotional aspects.
I love the saying in Forrest Gump when his mom says "life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get". That's life, just take one day at a time.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
0 -
mjbmiller: Sorry you are going through so much. Hugs!
0 -
There are many people who will not associate with people different than themselves, and segregate themselves by age, socio economic group, ethnicity, interests, etc. There are also group dynamics at work: leaders by the mere fact that they have loud personalities, quiet ones with naturally introverted personalities that may be plagued by social anxiety, etc. There are those in deep need of support who have nowhere else to go, and those that are emotionally capable of supporting others. Personally, I don't like to go to groups mostly because I am very sensitive to body language, and am uncomfortable because I am aware of the ones with judgment and annoyance. They are there in a support group, but the meaning of it seems to have escaped them. Everyone contributes the energy they project, whether it is positive or negative, whether they talk nonstop, or don't say a word.
Pain is relative. I will never forget a story in Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt. He describes in his autobiography that he was an empoverished boy growing up in Limerick, Ireland, and lost twin brothers from starvation. He and his friends could not believe a story about an Englishman who was so distraught over the affairs of the world that he couldn't eat his egg in the morning. It was the most ridiculous thing they had ever heard of, as they knew they would have done anything for an egg. A homeless person could be starving with pangs of hunger and think no misery could be greater, while the child of a billionare could commit suicide from mental torment.
The last place we need to divide ourselves is here, with a pecking order of who has suffered the most, or who is in a more advanced stage. We all share in the devastation of ever hearing the words, "you have cancer". We have all been robbed for the rest of our lives from ever having a true peace of mind, thinking that tiny clones may be lurking or come back, or that our bodies betrayed us and we are capable of growing this disease. With the same treatment, some walk away with no side effects and their lives largely uninterrupted, while others are devastated. We do not know the fate of each other.
I, for one, do not want to feel that I have to start scanning bio info on members to see if they had a lumpectomy or mastectomy, if they are stage I or stage IV, to try to gauge and assess the possibility or improbability of support. I am truly happy for those that caught this disease earlier than I did and have been spared lengthy tx. They do not need to apologize to anyone, or feel guilty expressing themselves and looking for support.
0 -
I don't post my stats for that reason! I am not a stage or grade. I am a breast cancer patient.
0 -
Smart lady. Good idea.
0 -
Each and everyone of us also bring our own history with us to this diagnosis which also impacts how we react, how we chose to cope etc. As you said it is all relative. As a nurse you are taught for example pain is what the patient says it is. Not what I think it should be or even what their body language may be telling me. We all know people who can live with horrible pain but are very stoic and don't let it show. As I stated earlier...... that is why it is so wonderful that there are so many different means of finding support. Different organizations, different threads here. I don't think anyone here is truly trying to divide. Facts are facts different treatments, surgeries etc have different consequences and outcomes. But that doesn't mean someone thinks someone has suffered more or less. It is just a different journey and each and everyone is unique. Each and every one is important and each and everyone of us I believe.......... truly are here to support one another.
0 -
PEACE
It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.
Peace everyone
0 -
That's nice Determined...I like that.
0 -
I want to welcome those who have found this thread and hope you find some comfort here as a lot of us have. We never segregate based on your DX or type of surgery. I think this thread was kind of "reignited", though, by a group of us who did have BMX's around the same time and were struggling with depression as a result of dealing with this new reality of our body images. At least for me, and I think for some others on here, it is less about having cancer and the possibility of it recurring, and more about being sad at the loss of self, change in dynamics of our close relationships and just processing the physical and emotional scars that seem to come more with BC than any other kind of cancer. But ultimately what this thread is about is learning how to move forward once the physical aspects of treatment are over which is where a lot of us seem to get "stuck". I think there is something we can all bring to the table to help each other.
0 -
Determined- Nice definition of peace. Thanks for sharing that!
0 -
Kate you are right on as to how I feel as well about the struggles
0 -
Kate - I totally relate and agree with everything you said. Thank you - it is certainly harder than I ever expected it to be at this point. The adrenal keeps us going after the diagnois and fear of what it all means and then the trying to cope and find a new way to live is I guess the longest part of the diagnosis. Thanks to all of you!
0 -
Sorry if I let my anger get the best of me and also I am sorry if I offended or tried to lesson anyone else's journey or feelings at having BC. Obviously this person got under my skin and she is not the only one. She and another woman, both who had lumpectomies, spoke to me in such a smug and condescending way (the first one actually was trying to hide a smile!!) that THEY only had to have a lumpectomy and that I was somehow to blame because I lost a breast and had to have chemo and the other woman (at my dr's office) went on to say that I would DIE just because I CHOSE to have chemo. Really, both of these women spoe to me like this--one in my former therapy group and one while waiting to be seen in my dr's office--and it was so demoralizing and so offensive and so downright mean! . So much for the great BC sisterhood. My point is--I no longer feel safe going to one of these groups. Yes, we all have different levels of disease, yes we all had BC, but to treat another woman especially one who is a sister in BC like this--well it just floored me and I felt a need to get it off of my chest. I am in no way attacking anyone as a group--I have a very close friend who has a very rare BC who had a lumpectomy and she doesn't have the option of chemo if it comes back--there isn't any treatment. We are all different, we have all had BC and this is the only place I have to get it off my chest, so to speak.
0 -
MBJ - don't worry about venting. Anyone with BC in any form should be understanding of anyone else with this disease. We are here for you.
0 -
That is what we all hope for. In our lives, many of us do not really have people in our lives with true insight into how psychologically damaging this all can be, let alone the physical manifestations. I truly find it perturbing to be trying to get to know you gals, and I read in one of the posts about someone being so angry about a "lumpectomy gal" (her words) talking about having cancer in a support group that she wanted to punch her. Reading those words felt like a punch to my own gut. On a side note, I also read on one of these depression threads of a woman who thought it was okay to call her own son with autism a retard. It was as if she called my own son with autism a retard, and I have been so offput by it all.
What I am finding is, although this depression forum should be one where women like myself, no matter what stage, surgery type, or tx level, could meet other women that encourage each other suffering through depression/anxiety/PTSD, I see by reading through these posts that this is not the case. There is a pecking order here clearly expressed, although there are other threads for just mx, age group, staging, etc. if division is what you seek.
Depression is a serious disorder that takes thousands of lives each year from suicide. It is an oxymoron in a way for someone in medical treatment to save their life should contemplate taking it, but depression is its own dark beast. Many of us are on hormonal meds that promote it, as estrogen to the brain promotes mental health. I guess in a perfect world, I would not have to sift through the posts of hatefulness, judgment, and negativity, to find the kind, encouraging voices. I guess I'll keep on dreaming.
Peace
0 -
I went to on cancer groups that dealt with all types of cancer and the ether is only for breast cancer. I feel more at ease with the one that deals with BC. They both cover different topics that are interesting. Sometimes when my anxiety level isn't too high, I will speak up. Sometimes I can't. Either wqay I come out having learned something. At this site I have learned the most.
0 -
MissBianca: Again, I apologize if I have offended anyone, including you! I was attacked by two women who happened to have lumpectomies, but again, I would never diminish anyone elses journey I was just shocked and hurt by these two individuals and I was taken aback by their attacks. All are welcome here and no one would ever diminish anyone else's experience on this board, as we are all here due to depression caused by BC. Yes, I have personal issues with someone who has had BC and then tries to not only make light of my experience but who openly attacks those who are worse off and finds pleasure in it. She is just one person.
0 -
I truly didn't see any nastiness in the previous posts, just personal venting. It's sad that it was interpreted as a personal attack. I think we are all just "talking to ourselves" when we post on this thread as it feels so good to just say it out loud!
0 -
It's okay, MJB. Thanks for the apology. It's unfortunate that you would have to meet anyone judging your tx plan to save your life, or that would treat you with a smug attitude. I know that it can feel that you are having private conversations on these boards, but thousands read them, and these posts may pop up randomly for years to come on search engines. I have found posts that have popped up from years ago. Please keep in mind that as an active poster, your voice is heard by many, and that does hold some accountability. You can be a steady voice of encouragement, to women in the darkest depths of depression and isolation if you so choose. You help yourself when you keep this in mind.
0
