Great saying about depression
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Peggy, you're bang on!! It IS okay to say life/today/your health/your relationship/your job SUCKS and it's okay!!!! We can only hang on so long and with reconstruction, you've had a long road. We cry in the shower or in the car commuting to work. It's a safe place to be and sometimes I play music that I KNOW will make me cry just to make sure my tears "still work". I think of tears as a cleansing procedure; wiping away crap and sadness, fear and grief. Do some visualization too of the journey you just took, but put someone else's "face" on it and you WILL be blown away by what you've done! We aren't superwomen or heroes, we are just scared ladies showing up to do what we know we have to do.
Take gentle care, and be well, Peggy. Welcome to this thread.
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HI PeggySull- I am so glad you felt you could talk to us about how you are feeling. You say you entering the end of your treatment plan- that is probably precisely why you are feeling so down. Whilst you are in the midst of the treament you feel like you are really doing something to beat the cancer. It is only after it is all over that you feel helpless because you aren't actively doing anything, and you have chance to actually think about all the horrible and life altering things that have happened. Hang in there- big hugs!!
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Peggy, also think of it this way; as women, we are strong during a crisis (lifting a car off our child or fighting a dingo for our baby...) but when it's all over we allow ourselves to "break down" and cry. You haven't reached that stage yet, and it's been a looooon haul. You must allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost.
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Hi Barbe1958- how are things going with the job hunting?
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Oh Maddie, it's going TERRIBLY!!!! I've sent about 21 resumes out to qualified positions in my area and gotten only 3 interviews!! The first interview I told the truth about being off for two years on disability (I don't lie), the second one I just said I was on holiday and that's why I could meet with them on a Wednesday at 2!! The third interview hasn't bothered to call me to say I didn't get the job, though I've called them TWICE to ask!!!
Getting scary here. Lots of jobs I could do, I'm surprised, but then I'm willing to drive up to an hour away to broaden my chances. I'm trying everything!!! Even drove an hour to a store that's just being built to hope I'd find the owner, which I did!! He "said" he'd call me.....sigh.
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Hey everyone, been off the computer for a while. Seems kinda quiet here. Welcome Peggy!
I am being switched from one anti d to another in prep for my tami try out. I am sooo tired all the time, hope this will help. My PCP advised a vacation, she thinks I am wearing myself out trying to get (feel) better. I have not worked in 2 years so my vacay is from ? water aerobics and yoga? I keep saying maybe it is all these meds I am taking.
My hands are so sore all the time now. I am going to hand therapy twice a week. And my fingernails are getting these white lines running across them, besides the ridges running up and down.
Meanwhile my DD has moved in after a breakup with her BF. She turned 26 yesterday. My DS came home for the weekend and is sure he failed his first class in his Master's program. The anguish of being a young adult. But we had some fun together. The county fair was in town. DD has already picked some shifts up at a resturant and on a catering crew.
Barbe, you could move to a resort island to get a job. (just kidding) We are in our very busy time, here. It must be so furstrating to be so qualified and not find something. Will the companies need someone for the holiday season coming up and then you could prove to them how indispensable you are!
Anyway, just wanted to check in. I miss everyone here when I am away.
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Hi Barbe - I am sorry you are having a tough time finding a job. Times are tough at the moment. My friend's daughter - she has a degree but coudn't get a job in her field - applied for a job in a bar until something came up. She didn't even get an interview. When she asked them why, the chap said over 250 people had applied for the job, so they just took the first 30 and interviewed them!! Here's hoping someone will see your potential soon. How does that affect your insurance if you can't get a job?
Mac - hang in there kiddo!!! Glad you get to see your daughter and son and have had some fun with them
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I can't really do part-time as I won't get medical benefits (my drug plan was extended with my last company until mid-December). Maddie we get health insurance (doens't cover meds) anyway because we are humans living in Canada, but the extra $150 a month I pay brings down the cost of my meds to anywhere from 80-100%. Some I pay a lot for $35+ some nothing, so I need those extra benefits. Part time people don't get benefits.
I need a job at about $30/hour to cover income taxes and mortgage, gas and car, etc. My DH makes a little so that gives us food and utilities. We aren't affluent, that's for sure, but we do know how to live on less. I've been on 1/2 pay for two years (but with NO taxes taken off!!). That was cut off July 31st. My last company had to buy me out at full pay (WITH taxes taken off!!) until mid-December because they can't place me back in my job. BUT, I wanted to get that pay as WELL AS another job so that extra could pay off some bills.
Will take any prayers directed my way!!
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Mac, I need to go back to work to get back to "normal". I kind of know what your doc means. Right now you and I are in LIMBO! We are neither here nor there. So I think being forced back to work might be the best thing. I've run out of rooms to decorate...hehehehehee. BORED!!!! Haven't even been out of the house much this summer as I cannot tolerate the heat. Might as well be in an office....sigh.
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barbe, you are right I am in limbo land. It drives me crazy when I stop to think about it. I am waiting to level off on my new anti d. Then I will be able to go ahead with the tami.
My DD is visiting. We have started a painting project and a renovation project on an old family cottage. Anything to keep busy. But I am so tired all the time.
I have been having trouble with all my electronics lately, so I have not been on the boards for a while. But it feels good to be back.
hugs to all!!!!!!
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mac, you are going to continue your anti-D`s though, right?? I`d rather have anti-D`s than Tamoxifen if it came down to that. Make sure you are taking the ones that can be taken with Tamox.!! Have fun on your project....post pics!! (Yah, I know you don`t...sigh)
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Barb,
You are soooo cute--sounds like ya have tons of energy...um,
OR you're a pistol like Moi...:)
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Welcome Violet, you have our Barbs pegged with the pistol match up.
Barbe, yes I am keeping on with the anti d. That's why we're doing the switch, so it won't (or will?) react with the tamox. I get so confused. Anyhow, I keep just showing up for life everyday.
And I do to post photos. It just takes me a while. So ya gotta wait for it.
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ok, see it came out huge!
We've always called it the little house, but we are going to try to put a partial second floor on with a roof deck.
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Hi Mac- the family cottage looks adorable. Is it in the country? If your family are planning to do all the work by themselves it looks like quite a big project!!
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HAH!! Got you to post a pic!!! That is NOT too huge!! We can see detail this way - I HATE puny pics. LOVE the darling cottage and especially the rock pile thingy - what is that for?
Violet, yah got me!! Except that I do NOT have a lot of energy...but I am a pistol!!!
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When my grandparents bought the property the "grand" house had burned down.This old stable/carriage house was left. You can see some of the stone pillars for a walkway left. We think it's poured concrete. Lots of family members have lived there over the years. Most during the summer,but a few hardy souls have made it through a winter as well. It is pretty dark and kinda damp,but cute and very quaint. It has a tiny kitchen,a larger living/dining area,then one has to walk through the bathroom to get to the small bedroom in what used to be the horse stall area. It's sat empty since my father died a few years ago. My father didn't like much change in his later years so my DD and I think now is the time to spruce it up. We want to put a partial second floor on and move the br up,so we can open the downstairs up to the outside more. Then have a roof deck which we might get a glimpse of the sea.
Maddie, no no we are hiring a contractor to do the work.I think it's going to take some jackhammer work. My DD is having a great time. She thinks this might become a career option.
Anyhow, we have to deal with zoning and bylaw regulations,so we'll see what happens.I'll keep you all posted.0 -
Mac, to help the dampness you should get rid of most of the growth against the house. That will also make it brighter, too. I know it`s tough to tear down trees, but you don`t want those roots growing into the house system, either! A lot of those `trees`look like overgrown bushes anyway....(now aren`t I opinionated!!!) Keep us posted with pics, this is exciting!!!
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Yes on the overgrown bushes.I think they're suppose to be a hedge.I just had a bunch of clearing out done,ya shoulda seen it before.
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Hi Mac - you need to hire justagirl!!!
justagirl - we need your prowess with powertools!!! Where are you? Hope you are okay. Did you ever go rollerblading down by the river?
I am going to the Greek Isles for 2 weeks - aren't I lucky. Can't wait!! Will check on you all when I get back.
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Maddie, have a great time. Hmmm the greek isles. Sounds warm and delightful.
I've been trying to type with my elasto-gel hand coolers on, LOL. It is not very easy. I just got done doing my hand exercises for the night. Then I need to ice to keep the swelling down. But I get bored just sitting around. So I came on to see if anyone was around.
Our thread is very quiet lately? Has everyone found another place to hang out?
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I'm still here mac. Still trying to find a job!!! I cannot believe that no one calls back after an interview, either way!! What happened to common courtesy?????
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barbe, good to "see" you. Still job hunting? Yes that is rude not to hear back from future employers. I have a friend here that is happening to also. She gets impatient and calls them. I found hiring new employees to be very stressfull. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I ended up with some doozy employees over the years. All we can do is keep moving forward.
I met with a cobbler from CT last week, that might be coming to live here and he would work in my shop. We'll see if it works out. His wife really wants to live here. I fixed my DD's shoes last week and my hands were so sore afterward. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to work full time again. I would get totally overwhelmed if I opened up by myself.
I'm suppose to get an MRI on my neck tomorrow afternoon. My PCP ordered it, but I don't really feel like my hand problem is caused by something in my spine. We're just chasing windmills. But what do I know? She doesn't think I need to see a rheumatologist. Even tho now the bottom of my feet are sore, too. I'm getting more blood tests next week. I just want to get some energy back. Anyhow, hopefully we'll rule this out, too.
stay strong, my friend.
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mac, I even called them back!!! Left messages for management, explaining to reception that I had applied for a job and not heard back yet. STILL no answer on two of the places!!! BUT, I did get an offer by a local vendor that I will accept...no long drive, about 6 minutes, AND base plus commission!!! Woo hoo!!! Still less than I'd be making at a job further out, but NO gas, NO "uniform dress wear", NO expensive lunches out, etc....
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A job, barbe, you got a job!!!!! Thats terrific!!!! No long drive either. Sounds good to me. I'm excited for you.
I had my MRI this afternoon. Now they hand you a CD with the pictures on it as you leave. I looked at them when I got home, but realize I have not a clue what they mean. I have to wait 2 days for the report, so that means probably Monday, but thats ok. The tech was very sweet, but she made a couple of comments, that are now swishing around in my brain. She said "I can tell you are in a lot of pain". And "it very rarely moves down but it moves up." I have no idea what she was talking about. Of course, I did not have my hearing aids in, so I will wait for the report. I see my PCP next week, too.
Gotta get some sleep. I see my MH person tomorrow, she was on vacay for 2 weeks, we have to get caught up.
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Glad you got that done and hoping they have news for you next week. I HATE when they say "Oh, it's "just" arthritis, you'll have to live with it"....sigh. That just KILLS me!!!
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I hate it when they say "at your age" !!!!!! I keep saying I'm only 60!!!!!!
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I've had BAD arthritis since my 40's!!! Even then I was saying "How much worse is it going to get???" Now I know..... I live in a "lifestyle community" (read: retirement) and am stunned by how active a lot of seniors are!!!! I am envious, jealous and painfully aware of how truly crippled I am....sigh.
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barbe1958- THRILLED to hear about your new job!!! I think it is just what you need. You don't want to start off in some huge high powered job which involves a lot of commuting. It gives you chance to gauge how your back will stand up to it. The remarks about arthritis are so trite, no wonder it makes your blood boil - it is very painful.
macatacmv- Glad to hear they are investigating your painful joints. Please let us know the outcome.
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maddie, how was your trip? Are you well rested or tuckered out? Glad you are back.
barbe, was that you I saw getting together with the BGPs and Alyson?
I met with my PCP and went over my MRI report on Thursday. SHe says it is not horrendous, just multi-level degenerative changes!!!!! It probably has nothing to do with the pain in my hands because it is higher at the C4-C6 range. I told her that my neck has hurt for a long time and I just ignore it. She said I should not ignore it any longer. But then she said she would not refer me to a neurosurgeon, bc he would just want to do surgery. So she is refering me to a physiatrist at a rehab center. He is suppose to look at the whole body and evaluate what treatments will work and what kind of docs I should be seeing. Sounds like more of the same to me, but onward and upward it is!
I finally started my tamoxifen yesterday. I've been off the AI for 6 weeks and switched my other meds, so there was really nothing stopping me except the little kid in me saying I don't wanta!!!!!!
I've been spending some time with a friend of mine with end stage BC, so it puts all my complaining into perspective. She is so accepting. She is still able to get out and about with someone else driving. But she is in a lot of pain. She said to me yesterday she doesn't want to take the morphine because it causes her to sleep during the day. (and she doesn't want to sleep her life away.) Keeping me humble and grateful!
mac
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