Great saying about depression
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oh gritgirl, you don't need a man to have stories! I can just say having a loving husband of 34 years does not mean he is 'with me all the way'. As the therapist said to me it is obvious I am the 'leader of the pack' in our family. Plus to give Jerry, my hubby, a break, he gets so upset in any doctors office and stutters if he tries to talk, well the first time around I just couldn't worry about him being upset and listening to the oncologist, radiology oncologist, GP, breast surgeon or plastic surgeon at the same time. In our family I'm the one who has always been the 'strong' one - I take the dogs run over on the road to the vets - if our dog or cat get sick, I take them to the vet, or even for vaccinations.
Mac and the rest of you - are you lost? At least write in and let us know you are out there!
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The men I date, not so great. But my nephews and my uncle, incredible. I've always picked shitty men. I'm very lucky to be related to some incredible ones. My father though, he's a dick. Guess how I learned to pick shitty men.
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Hey everyone, sorry I fell off the grid for a bit.
I got a little discouraged when the MO put me back on the same AI. I am so tired all the time. My hands are so stiff and puffy. My MH person said to try taking a break from the computer. Didn't help. Now I am taking a 2 week break from MH. LOL (actually she is on vacation)
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my hubs death. My son called me to tell me, I forgot! He is sad and thinking of all the things he has missed not having a dad for so long. He thinks he will be alone for all of his life. Sigh, not much I can do but listen. I tell him he has no idea what life will be for him. He has started his Master's course on line. I think he is feeling some stress. He lives in a run down house with 4 or 5 roomates. It is really hard for him to concentrate on his studies because of all the ruckus. So now he is looking for a new apartment and a new roomate.
Anyway, I have had some family visiting. So trying to enjoy some of the summer events that I could never do while I was working. I am trying to stay motivated with my exercise program but I am so tired. I have a PCP appt on Friday.
barbe, I am glad to hear how excited you are about a new job.
Deb, here's my shout out. Nice to be missed.
grit, I am happy that you have some incredible people in your life. Try to focus on the positive.
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Gritgirl, it is SO common to repeat the mistakes our mothers made in selecting a mate!!! Try to focus on what IS positive in the men you admire and you will draw those kind of men to you. It worked for me!! I've been married to my second husband more than twice as long as my first!!! I had to suffer through a first marriage to appreciate what I found in the second. It's not all a good life for those of us who have good marriages now....
And Mac, seriously, do you REALLY have to still be on an AI??? How many years has it been, four?? I hate that you know you are worse on the AI....sigh.
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Barbe,I was trying so hard not to be my mother (who was married for 65years) that I made all the wrong choices. But I lived through them and now am content in my own skin most days. I know about the AI, I felt like the docs weren't listening again. I'll just have to tell them over and over.appt with MO July 26.
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mac, I'm not on an AI or Tamoxifen. I'm 4 1/2 years out with the same stats as you but my tumour was bigger and I had micromets to my nodes. I think if anything else gave me pain I'd lie down and die!! I just feel so bad that you are knowingly hurting yourself. Have you been 4 years on an AI? Isn't that long enough?????
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Hi ladies - how are you doing. I have been away on holiday, so there is a lot to catch up on!!! Forgive me if I miss out anything.
Firstly - welcome Gritgirl!! 30% mets for early stage BC. Are you sure of that figure- it seems awfully high. I was shocked when I read it.
barbe - don't let me hear you say you are not a people person again. A "people person" is someone likeable, articulate and with a wicked sense of humour- and that's you!!! Even if you are dying inside and feel really shy I am sure people don't pick up on it. You wouldn't be such a good sales woman if you were not good with people, and your work mates wouldn't have been so glad to see. Mentally I think it's great you will get out and about and see different people. I hope physically it will go okay for you. I have found it is better to work a few days in a row, than try and stagger them. The rest is longer in between, and as you mentioned if the days are staggered you tend to do chores and then never get a rest. Take the new job if you can do it without your old firm finding out. If you don't like it you can start again with the old firm.
justagirl - glad to hear you are doing well. Your son sounds like my youngest son - bright but lazy!! I told both of mine before they started - you can party and enjoy yourself as much as you want, but it is a great financial hardship for your Father and I, so if you fail you are paying for the fees yourself. It seemed to work.It was hard for the youngest one, as he did electrical engineering which had very long hours, whilst some of the other degrees seemed to have only 2 days lectures a week.
Went for a hot air balloon ride last week - a present from my lovely Brother- in Law. It was wonderful - another thing off my "bucket list". I also blew bubbles off our hotel balcony and loved it. I feel much better than when I left. Sleep well ladies and good luck with your decisions Barbe.
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I did NOT get the job!!! I figure they gave it to someone who was unemployed...I wasn't disappointed so I figure I didn't really want it. I really don't think I can do 5 days in a row!!! Haven't had to do that since I owned my own store 1998-03. I did find out from my present company that they really have NO place to place me! They might offer me 12-16 weeks of salary which I would be okay with as they would continue my benefits. Even if I get a job in that time I still get to keep the money!! Woo hoo!!
GREAT to hear from you Maddie, glad to hear all is status quo!!
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Amen!!!
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Maddie: so glad you feel better and sounds like you have been racking up the fun - hot air balloon rides and blowing bubbles from hotel balconies. Yes, we told our son the same as you did yours but didn't say it was a financial hardship but did say there was only so much money set aside for his uni and that didn't include failed courses. What I don't like about here is they call them adults at 18, so they can drink and vote, which I think is wrong, and they like to toss in parents faces 'hey, I am an adult' but they are still really a 'teen' at 18 or 19. My son is almost 20 and I am seeing more maturity in him and his actions until he came home last night with a new expensive watch on. I thought his Dad was going to explode but DS wisely had his girlfriend with him, so hubby was quiet. My son has expensive tastes, so I hope he ends up with a well paying job, as I plan on spending what my hubby and I have earned and saved! We are lucky to own our house and cars free and clear, but heck, my car is 14 years old and husbands is almost as old. We aren't big spenders. When my son was here I was going to tell him how much he owed me for using my Visa card, but since his girlfriend was here, I didn't. I think he will be in shock, as the dollar amount also includes the utilities I pay on his apartment and it's for the semester - since the beginning of March. Maybe that will make him fall back into reality.
Barbe - you don't sound sad that you didn't get the job, and yes, I would say 5 days a week is a lot. I sure couldn't do it. The financial offering from your previous place sounds lovely though.
mac: I do understand the position your son is in. Mine had to get out of the dump of a house he shared with two others. He said he spent most of his time in his room with the door closed and ear plugs in for studying or sleeping and the room was dinky and depressing. It's costing a bit more where he moved to but he only has one room mate and they each have their own bathroom. If your son is doing his master's online, would he want to move back home with you? I can relate to how he misses having a Dad in his life - my parents didn't stick around long either, but he has you! And you are strong, wise and wonderful! Hey, call that Dr of yours, go in with a list of questions and ailments and demand some answers! Like 'why can't I try another drug!" Do we have to do everything?
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I, too, was thinking of your son moving home mac, but would that work???
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Mac - I am sorry about the Al - I know you were much better without it. I feel for your son - mine had much the same in res. The other students left the kitchen in such a mess the cleaner refused to go in. One student had the music so loud it nearly blew me out the door when we arrived - it was like a physical force. Tough time of the year for your family. I'm sure your children miss their Dad greatly, btu luckily they have a fantastic Mom.
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Now that you have chimed in Maddy, why is it some kids leave home to go to uni and they think they should live like pigs and blast music at all hours of the day and night. My son was so excited to start his 2nd year of uni and move into an old house with two friends from high school, and one he had known since they were 7! Well, within a semester one boy left to move out of state back to his Mom's and the other boy brought in another boy they went to high school with, but my son didn't know and all hell broke loose. Max said after one night party he woke up and there must of been 200 beer bottles in the living room. My son loves to cook but he had to wash pans and dishes before he could start to cook. And it seemed he was the only one who bought paper towels, or toilet paper. Well, his grades fell down too and I was happy he wanted out. When we went to get his stuff from his room, the smell was overwhelming. After about 20 minutes of packing up his room, my son told me I could go wait in the truck - and I was happy to. He even had his clothes washing liquid in his room as if he kept it by the washing machine the others used it up. It depresses me thinking about it.
All in all, Now I pay even more to support him in a two bedroom apartment, which he shares with a medical student, but it's in a nice neighborhood, and clean and tidy all the time. He is happier so I am happier.
Mac, I can understand your son missing not having a Dad around, but it will hit him that having one wonderful Mother is a great gift!
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hi this is my first time posting.
im embarassed to admit how sad i am when i see so many of you have gone through so much more than me. i was lucky and got to keep my breast (although it is half the size it was). i am done with chemo and about to start rads tomorrow. thing is, my depression is not just about coming to terms with what i lost during treatment, its also about coming to terms with the decisions i have made in life and how to find more strength, when, as this amazing quote says, i just dont have the strength to be strong any more.
life was so abstract until this breast cancer experience. i dont have children, it didnt work out that way for me and i foolishy always thought i had more time. im now 48. that has made me feel very sad and lonely. i divorced ten years ago and never found a new mate. 8 months ago i was a sexy woman with a healthy sex drive, a great job, and a beautiful body. i dont know where that woman went but she's gone now.
i never recognized the dysfunction in my small family as i did during BC. my mother knew about my illness but only called me three times and asked me the same questions over and over then hung up. it was hard for her, at 85, to take in that her only child had cancer. as a nurse her whole life, it must have been doubly hard. but for me this was total abandonment. im an only child so there werent any more people to reach out to. i told my father but he never called me once. i felt so, so alone.
just before my diagnosis i had reunited with the one boyfriend who i always loved, we'd broken up a couple of years ago. we finally agreed to have coffee, tumbled into bed, had stars in our eyes for a dreamy week, and then i found the lump in my breast. like a white knight, he stayed and was the man i always dreamed of.
but as you all have pointed out, men are more effective on the 'doing' end, not so much on the 'feeling' end, and once the rigors of chemo were over he began to disengage and work on his own life which had been on hold for so long. but i was not really ready to let go of finally having someone give me the kind of support i never realized i had been starved of my entire life. for me, getting on my feet was going to take a while and he wanted it to happen right away. my self esteem tanked and i began to slip into a terrible sadness.
my insecurity boiled to the surface, i didnt feel i had the ability to be the person i was before. i also had the feeling that the things i used to be happy with would not be enough anymore, now that i had seen what my life really looked like. the illusion of what i had built for myself had been shattered.
my feelings for him are becoming codependent and it is hurting my body. every time i dont hear from him for a few days i am paralyzed with sadness and fear. the anxiety fills my stomach like battery fluid, permeating my torso, pushing down the lengths of my arms and flooding my hands to my fingertips. i cant admit to anyone that while everyone is out on these beautiful summer days, i am home, incapacitated, cowering from life. i medicate when it gets too stressful. its not sustainable.
careerwise my job awaits and i cant bring myself to do it. every task seems pointless and my creativity has been annihilated. i am more aware of loneliness than i have ever been and even when i make efforts to be around other people, which i have been doing as much as possible, i still feel like there are a thousand miles of emotional distance between me and everyone else.
i think about dying. not suicide, but just dying. i think about how i was passed through the cancer conveyer belt, emerging 'treated'. i think, what if i hadn't found the lump, what if it had just spread like it wanted to. sometimes i wish that happened so i could be spared this part of my life realizing how hard and lonely being alive is. i sincerely hope this doesnt offend anyone who is reading. i just dont have anyone else to tell this to.
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Dear mirrormirror,
I am so glad you took the first step and wrote here. Yes, if you read back through our postings, we have all had our ups and downs with our various diagnosis's and subsequent treatments. I think I can speak for all of us that life after finding out you have breast cancer will never exactly be like the life you led before breast cancer blasted into your life.
I remember the beautiful warm, sunny day I had spent gardening with my dog, Jaki and just how perfect the day was. We finally were getting the outside of the house painted and then would do the inside. After showering the garden dirt off, I proceeded to rub in lotion all over my skin, which I found got dry on my HRT. THEN IT HAPPENED - I FELT THE LUMP THAT WAS TO CHANGE MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT FOREVER. I thought I would black out and fell to my knees.
Everything you are feeling and thinking, at least one, two, or many of us has also.
And never belittle yourself for feeling how you do yet you haven't gone through much. Heck, any woman who is diagnosed with BC, well that in itself is enough.
Dysfunctional family - yes you have one, but seems your parents are older and they probably just don't get it. I'm 60, diagnosed at 57 and my husband of 30 years is 20 years older than me and always treated my BC like it was no big deal, even when I had the double mastectomy. I overheard him one day tell someone I was in the hospital for only a few days and didn't have much pain at all. Yeah, right. I was in the hospital 10 days and came home eating muscle relaxers and pain pills. But from his point of view - everything would be just fine. He chewed me out after I finished rads for being on here, as he said I didn't have BC anymore and going on here would depress me. Ok, and yes, I was depressed and anxious. So I stayed off a week, felt worse, and came back and think I'll always be here.
Here you will find people who can relate to everything you are going through. Here you can say anything - well will listen. Sometime we will toss in suggestions. You may listen or choose to not.
Co-dependence: of course you are going through that right now. Again, men are great to 'do' things, but most don't do emotional things very well. They mean it in their hearts, but it doesn't come out in words or actions. My husband couldn't relate to me but the women here do, so I became co dependant on them! And there is nothing wrong with that. I also have found here a couple of women who I feel really close to, and our conversations don't centre on BC.
It is challenging to live with breast cancer, as I feel, even before my mets, that Breast Cancer was my constant shadow. Always there. Lurking. Making me anxious. My favourite thing used to be to wake up about 6am, see the lovely blue sky and then decide I just couldn't do it, and would actually pull the covers over my head, rest and sleep until about noon. Talk about being no-productive. I used to be mother, wife, cooked all our meals, made deserts twice a week, kept up a 3 story house and maintained about 1 1/2 acres of garden on our 8 acres property. Smack. Nothing. After my lumpectomy when I got out of the shower there is a huge mirror over the counter top and I got so I wouldn't even look in it. I never ever let my husband see my boobs, as like you, my lumpectomy was about 1/2 of my breast. And, I used to want sex like twice weekly and loved to cuddle and fall asleep that way every night and went to becoming dis-interested in sex and not wanting to be touched (but....that has all improved)
I had to switch GP's and it was a blessing as my new GP is a mature woman who herself had BC 20 years ago and after quite a few visits she told me this and that she doesn't even think her husband noticed! She said he sure didn't say anything!...and they are divorced now..... BC can make or break a relationship. I was very unhappy in my marriage for months before my diagnosis. Then all the emotional stuff that comes along with BC, well he tried, and he has kept on trying. No, he doesn't hug me even once a week, but he does errands for me, never complains about me not cooking and even volunteered to do the vacuuming though the first time he had to ask me where it was! So our relationship is stronger than ever.
This is all so new and very recent for you. You have to allow yourself time to process your psychological emotions. Doctors are great at dealing with the physical but not the mental. My new GP put me on an anti-anxiety drug right away and within three days I was out of bed by 8am! A minor miracle but a big step for me. I became more active, got into my gardening which used to bring me so much joy and did and does now....but it all takes time.
Anxiety is supposed to be caused by what we think about might be in our future whereas depression is looking at our past. I was definitely anxious as to when the mets would show up. Thanks to the anxiety medication, when my GP told me about the lung mets, we both cried, and I was over crying. I don't have any problems breathing, the Tamoxifen is doing it's job, so it's a non-issue in my life now.
No, I would be fibbing if I said I never thought of the future and what it might bring, but it's easier for me to be positive than negative. But, when I am feeling negative, I allow myself that time too.
As far as how hard it is being alive and lonely, you now have us. No, we are not your husband or parents or sisters, but we will always be here for you, and will always listen. You are not alone anymore. I too wonder how long my husband will live (he's 79) or once my son (he's 19) marries that will put me being alone. I know women here with husbands and children and sister and brothers and they feel all alone emotionally.
A suggestion: go to your GP and get started on either a mild anxiety medication or anti-depressant. Before you go, make a list with two columns: anxiety depression and list under each things that make you feel one way or another. Also, a therapist might help to actually sit with someone and talk about all of this.
Seems like you have stopped your life-clock with not going back to work and as far as the emotional distance between you and others, well, most figure once you have surgery, chemo and rads - well, you're cured and it's over.
I don't think it's ever over. We have to design a new life for ourselves. I feel I have to live each day the best I can for all those who have lost their battle with cancer. I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life - and I'll be darned if I let breast cancer take anything more away from me emotionally or psychologically.
Always feel you can talk with us - no offense will ever be taken. I'm so glad you have chosen us to share with........... and if you ever want to, you can also send one of us a personal message rather than write here.
Come back tomorrow mirror mirror............
you are in my thougts,
Debbie
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Mirrormirror. Everything Debbie just said. I totally identify with you. I also became very depressed after treatment. It is normal. I finally agreed to go onto an antidepressant. Made a huge difference. It doesn't change things, but it helps to not be so depressed. I also found a counselor, another huge help.
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Mirrormirror....came across your post by accident and wanted to say a couple of things.
I just posted on my 2013 survivor thread that last Saturday was my birthday and what a difference a year makes. Last summer I spent most of my time with my head in the toilet vomiting due to anxiety. I was nauseous 24/7, lost 30lbs, no appetite, was seeing a therapist,no confidence to go anywhere except around my neighbourhood, didn't want to see any friends, I just lived in my sad little world and that was my summer.
I am married with two sons, all wonderful individuals in their own right, but really didn't want to deal with my BC other than telling me I'm going to be just fine!!!! This is my family. I am from Scotland now living in Canada so I am alone here. I have one brother who lives in California who supported me in his own way but not the emotional support I needed.
I was supposed to retire last year but made a very wise decision to keep on working. I teach English to new adult immigrants and I just love what I do. As much as I help them with their English, they help me and I learn from them in so many ways. It also has kept
me occupied and busy and this was my saving grace, along with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
In the last year Inhave let most of my friends go because I was not getting the emotional support I felt I needed and that was causing me too much sadness and anxiety. However, since coming here, I have made many friends and actually two of them have become very close. One of these has become like a sister to me and gives me all the emotional support I didn't/don't get from friends and family even though she is going through so much more than me. Like you, I felt guilty and sad that I "only" needed a lumpectomy and rads plus Letrozole as my form of treatment. But as she wisely told me
"BC is BC no matter the treatment".
One thing I have learned here from reading hundreds of posts is that the worst part of BC is NOT the mastectomies, the chemo, the rads etc., it's all the emotional crap we go through. Getting on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, returning to work, and coming here to rant , cry and laugh have been the best decisions for me in coping with BC.
I am about to embark on a trip to Chicago and Iowa to be part of a BC marathon, mostly for support...lol...I will meet many women Inhave come to know here face to face....a year ago You might as well have asked me to go to the moon. What a difference a year makes.
Please keep coming here and express your feelings in anyway you need to. These wonderful brave women have become my second family. They give me love and support
that I was missing going through all of this.0 -
3jays: if you are reading and not writing, that's fine. I just really start to worry even more about you when you don't pop in every once in a while. If you can, one or two words would do. Miss you heaps
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mirrormirror, as women, we can lift cars off our kids and pull our babies out of a predators hand...but afterwards, we get to collapse and cry. It's over. With breast cancer, as you've found, it isn't over. We don't get to collapse and cry!! UNLESS we let ourselves acknowledge the fear of seeing the bullet that will probably kill us! (If we don't die of something else first....)
What a lot of people outside our circle don't realize is that there is NO CURE for breast cancer. They don't even bother to use the term "remission" with us!! They will say "No evidence of disease" (NED) and tell you that you are cancer free, but they will jump through hoops if you get any symptoms of it spreading. They know it only takes ONE cell. That's why there are still "Runs for the CURE". I mention this and women go "Ooooohh, I didn't realize....doi".
If you weren't anxious or stressed then you wouldn't be human!! You wouldn't be reacting appropriately. So please know that many, if not most of us have all reached out for medical help. Your PCP would be the best to help you. If you are too locked in place to be able to return to work, tell your doctor. Work DOES help. It makes you feel normal again. Just like returning after a baby can keep the "blues" away!
We are here for you, sweetie!!
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On a sadder note, our fifth and final cat has passed away this morning. He was getting weaker and weaker so we moved everything to a small area in the living room so he was near us with food, litter and his nest in an open ended box. When we found him collapsed in the litter the other day we took away the litter, too. He was trying so hard to be a good boy and not piddle on his nest! But he wouldn't take much water the day before and none at all yesterday. I would even rub it on his lips to have him at least lick it, but he adamantly kept his mouth shut. It was time.
My DH gets up anywhere from 4 to 8 am depending on his shift on the golf course (Marshall). This morning he got up at 7:30 and I followed him at 8:30. When I got down Paul was at the box and telling me that Bogie had raised his head and meowed at him when he came down. But now the cat did nothing! He had passed. I truly believe he was waiting for someone to get up so he wouldn't die alone.....Last night I asked Paul if he had said good-bye to Bogie as I had. Paul said no. I think it was hearing Paul's voice this morning that let the poor thing go.
I have NEVER seen Paul cry in our over 20 years together! Not even with my cancer diagnosis. He was crying this morning......
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Barbe. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Just so mirror mirror isn't terrified, just want to say, the majority of women diagnosed with breast cancer nowadays live long, cancer-free life.
Still, going through diagnosis and treatment for cancer is emotionally hard. I really crashed after my treatment was done.0 -
OOooops! Didn't mean to scare anyone new!! gritgirl is right, most of us will live long lives depending on our general health and genes. BUT, be vigliant of your body for the rest of your life and any pain that continues for more than two weeks should be researched. (We would do that if we were bearing children or were pro athletes, etc anyway!!) This is serious shit here.
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Mirrormirror....I hope you will come back to this thread for advice and support you so
dearly need . There is life after BC but it just takes time. As Gritgirl has said, please don't be terrified from the negativity that was posted. Most of us have been in your shoes, one way or another, and are now getting on with our lives. Believe it or not, you will get to that place yourself.0 -
Scottie!!!! Shame on you!! That wasn't negativity that was posted - that was REALITY!! I am not one to pull punches as I believe we have to be our own health advocates.
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barbe: when you post "UNLESS we let ourselves acknowledge the fear of seeing the bullet that will probably kill us!" and that there are "NO CURE for breast cancer" ....those are not two uplifting statements for anyone, and I'm not even depressed, just amazed at what you think REALITY is. No, you don't pull punches, and we do need to be our own health advocates but if you are saying the 'bullet' is breast cancer and it will probably kill us, well then with me having lung mets, I might as well stop my gardening and start digging my own grave.
barbe - in my opinion, that part of your post was very negative and for anyone with a Grade 3 BC tumor or a positive lymph node biopsy, the fear is even greater.
There are cures for breast cancer. Many women have a lump removed from their breast and that is it. Their demise is years later due to an unrelated cause. Some women gets mets and they are controlled by treatment, so they are cured to a degree of where they can go on with living their lives and breast cancer mets becomes more like a chronic disease. Yes, I know it can kill us, but so can chronic conditions like obesity, hypertension, diabetes, etc.
The word 'cure' by dictionary means a restoration of health. As I previously mentioned, some women have a lumpectomy or mastectomy, maybe chemo, and/or maybe rads and Breast Cancer never comes back into their life again. That is a cure.
Even I feel I was cured by my double mastectomy, chemo and rads and Femara, but yes, I did have anxiety due to having a Grade 3 tumour. I am sure I would be dead by now if I hadn't had that treatment, so I give thanks for the past three years. Now I have lung mets, but even YOU BARBE can't tell me I'm going to die because of them. I am grateful that switching to Tamoxifen has prevented an increase in number or size of the 100's of tumours in there and my BC15.3 (breast cancer tumour count) has dropped from 80 in January to 26 the end of April. No, I am not in remission or cured.The Tamoxifen is curing me to a degree and my mets are under control and not bothering me. There are women on our Stage lV thread about lung mets that have had them 15 years and are still going strong. Some, in their 70's will most likely die of something else.
Barbe - you've got me steaming now - but I'll stop and just suggest you look up the word 'empathy'
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Barbe!!!!! Shame on you!!!!!....a new member posts, clearly in a lot of emotional pain, and needing our support and encouragement and you tell her she is going to die one day from BC!!!!!! Really!!!!! Who are you? God!!!!!! and yes, as Justagirl said, look up the word "empathy".
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thank you all for your messages, justagirl and gritgirl especially. barbe, i had not realized the situation in the terms you described it. it is true i never heard the words 'cure', 'remission', and that all it tkes is one cell to mutate and this all starts over again. and it seems to have for many of the wonderful women on this site. i would like to say you are wrong but maybe you are not.
i hated the radiation treatment today and begged them to not give me lung cancer as they were positioning my body on the table. i smoked for 20 years and when my xrays showed at the start of all this BC nonsense that i did not have a problem there i cried tears of gratitude and felt i had dodged the bullet of my life with gods grace. i quit that day of course but now i am hearing a bit about this rad treatment potentialy being bad for the lung which has me petrified.
but i wasnt even thinking about all that before i came on this website. i just have the feeling that nature wanted me to die and i am going against its wishes. and in surviving i am 'the girl with cancer', which is not an identity i ever thought i would have to assume. im tired of my boyfriend talking about how hard this has been on him and that he is afraid i will identify too much with being in treatment. so i have stopped telling him about my crying days, my fears and very dark feelings, and im dying of loneliness. i wish i could do a better job of being a happy normal girl. i am pushing him away when he's the only one i had. and he is letting me. im so scared of what is in my own mind.
i look at the people in the radiation room with me and they are in terrible shape. i try to talk to everyone, i try to connect. so many women in for a second time. a man had no jaw and blood coming through a bandage on his forehead. it scares me that of all the millions of people in new york city, this is my peer group. i look in the mirror and i dont even recognize myself.
i had hoped not to take antidepressants but it seems an overwhelming number of you are taking them. has anyone tried NOT taking them?
i came home and took more lorazepam and have been re-dosing each time it wears off. i dont have any reason to be awake and i keep hoping that the next time the pills wear off i will feel better but it doesnt happen.
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Mirrormirror. I tried not taking the anti depressant for quite a while. I was very resistant. I tried exercising, SAM E, and other things. I finally had to give. I tell folks what was told to me, if you are not biochemically depressed the pill won't work. If you are biochemically depressed, it makes a huge difference. It sounds like you're medicating yourself with lorazepam.
You are a happy, normal woman going through a hard situation. Crying, sadness, anger, fear are all part of it. You will be OK. One thing that has been a huge help is to talk to a mentor. Imerman Angels, Living Beyond Breast Cancer, and ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis) all have mentor programs. Call them. Asking for help is healthy and the best thing you can do.
Glad you're here again asking for help. It means you want to live.0 -
mirrormirror; true, it only takes one cell to mutate and we are back with BC again, but you must not forget that the percentage of women who never have BC cross their path again after the initial lump is significant, and in this day and age, mets is not the death sentence it was 25 years ago.
I tried to not take an anti-anxiety medication for over 2 years. Every day I felt down, tired and anxious and sure wasn't getting anything done around the house, wasn't getting out to get my hairdresser - in fact went a year without going instead of every 12 weeks, didn't go to the dentist for my 6 monthly checkup for 1 1/2 years. I procrastinated. I was too anxious to move. I got nervous around people so stayed at home. My home became my haven and remains so. Taking the anti-anxiety medication was like lifting weights off my shoulders and the sun coming out after months of rain and gloom. I started taking better care of myself and was happier as I was accomplishing things around home. I also believe the Femara and now the Tamoxifen plays havoc with my emotions.
I too don't want to be identified as: Debbie, who has breast cancer, but Debbie, mother of Max, wife of Jerry and owner of a crazy border collie named Jaki who thinks she is human. We make us what we are.
I'm not thrilled to hear how your boyfriend has reacted, but it's not unusual. So come here and tell us how you feel, your fears, concerns and when you are ready, how to reintroduce yourself to your work environment and friends. It takes time. Remember, once you are finished with the physical treatments, many will assume you are cured and over BC. They won't get it. You can choose to let their remarks go or let the friendship go. Those of us here get the mental part, and I'm happy to say my husband finally does too.
As to how grim it looks in the waiting room for radiation, I thought the same thing as you and experienced the same with very sickly people with horrible scars visible, bandages and in wheelchairs. It upset my husband so much if he drove me, which he did the first time when they were measuring me, he said he would wait in the car. Later he told me he just couldn't sit a moment longer in the waiting room. After that I was always sure to bring a book or magazine that would hold my attention until it was my turn. My only thing was I was bald and covered my head with a cotton cap and a flowing scarf so it looked like part of my outfit, not just a scarf to cover a bald head. Yes, I was thin and pale, but would dress for going out when I went for the rads, and even put make-up on so I didn't look so washed out. Some foundation, drew eyebrows on, some colour on my cheeks and lippy....and looking at myself in the mirror I wondered why I didn't do that all the time as it did make me feel better about myself.
Mirrormirror, you can feel better. Time. Medication (and lorazaepam is not an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication), maybe a therapist you can talk to and go to your GP or oncologist and get on a medication that will help you over this hump. As gritgirl said, if your body is not biochemically lacking the active ingredient in anti-depressants, then they won't help. So then you could try an anti-anxiety medication. Some doctors will prescribe an anti-depressant to take daily and an anti-anxiety to take as needed. Sure you didn't want to have to take anything, but it could just be that little bit of help you need to get back into your life...........
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mirror - my mom was a 35-yr bc survivor, my daughter (47) is a 14-yr bc survivor & i'm coming up on 2-yrs (i'm 70). there are many success stories but the majority of the stories we hear from "friends" are the horror stories. where this site does it's best work is finding out you are NOT alone and any questions you have will bring many different answers as most of us have differing results from the same procedures and/or medications. as for me, it is easier to know what may happen & what to look for that is not "normal" - being informed for me is better than being blind. i thank this site for keeping me sane (well, as sane as i can be) for the last 2 years. i wish you the best and hope you grow to love this site as i do.
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