Great saying about depression
Comments
-
Paris??? OK, let's all go - Kate obviously you will be the flight attendant! I'm in!!!
0 -
I just read the paper this morning and am not thoroughly depressed about my upcoming job interview with US Airways. Seems the flight attendants are picketing because of labor disputes. Makes me wonder if US Air is just going to put a bunch of new hires through training so we can be scabs or something. I just don't have a good feeling about it. So now I'm not sure what to do. The recruiter basically told me that I couldn't reschedule the interview and if I didn't show up I would never be considered for the position again. Why does everything in life have to always be so difficult? Sorry, guess I'm having a little pity party this morning.
0 -
MRDRN, I'm new here too, but I occasionally drop by to read posts, when I'm at a loss for some support. I'm not working either and depend on my DH for insurance. He's made me feel like I'm using him because of it and that really hurts. We've struggled in this 7 year relationship, primarily because he's a heavy drinker and has a 16 year old daughter who's a master at triangulation, compliments of her meth head mother. I gave up my RN job to raise her for the past 7 years because he got custody after her mother's felony drug arrest. I think most men just don't get it, like they don't get so many other aspects of womanhood. I've been lucky to recently find a true friend in my neighborhood and it has made a huge difference in my ability to cope. I love her more than my own sister. I grew up trying to stuff feelings away because our mother feared we'd "air our dirty linen in public" and embarrass the family. I realize now she might have been suffering from undiagnosed depression, but even my sister tends to want me to just get over the depression already! You never get over the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but our inner strength, as well as commitments to family or work, forces us to plod along.
My cancer was diagnosed early too, and I opted for tissue sparing, nipple sparing bilat. mastectomies, less than a month after my diagnosis. I don't regret my decision to refuse radiation and tamoxifen because I stress out easily and wanted it gone asap! I was referred to the worst PS in Denver and she humiliated me and failed to recognize and treat the early stages of tissue necrosis! When I asked her why my breast tissue was starting to slough on day 8, she said it was because I had just had breast surgery! Like I had forgotten that fact! She told me it was normal too, but 7 days later the tissue turned black and she rushed me back for a second surgery for debridement and excision of the lower poles of both breasts. Actually, she refused to call them anything other than skin flaps stretched over tissue expanders and I was not allowed to refer to them as breasts any longer. When I asked her about implant sizes and projection for the eventual exchange, she scolded me and reminded me that this was NOT a cosmetic procedure and that I was "built like a child." I am petite (4',11" and weighed 85lbs last September), but had NEVER been minimized like that by anyone before. She made me cry while in the hospital just 2 days after the surgery because I dared to mention the alloderm she used. Actually, she was throwing a fit the morning of my surgery because I asked her about post op incision care and she accused me of potentially not following her instructions because I asked her about things I had read online. She told me, on 3 separate occasions to "stay off the internet!" and she even documented that order in her progress notes. I had to get a copy of my chart when I finally gave her the boot and switched to a different surgeon, so I saw the nasty remarks she wrote about me being emotionally unstable for crying because she was so mean to me! She said my cancer was so low grade that I was a fool for opting for bilat. mastectomies. Her name is Dr Debora Ma, for anyone considering seeing her in the Denver, CO area. Anyway, my current PS, Dr Saber at Lutheran Medical Center, is wonderful and he's taking great care of me and working hard to repair the damage she did to me, physically and emotionally. He moved the tissue expanders down about an inch to try and get my nipples back in the center of my breasts and that surgery was February 7th. Things are looking much better because Dr Ma had just stuffed them higher up on my chest and they were practically hitting my collar bones. They were ugly, but Dr Saber had me wait until the scars were strong enough to handle any expansion, so I waited over 4 months to resume the reconstruction. The tissue expanders are not comfortable at all, but I look so much more normal now and it's starting to get easier to cope with the trauma I've faced.
Then 7 days after this surgery, a friend of my DH told me his son, who's studying to be a nurse, said my cancer surgery probably wasn't even necessary! I was beyond shocked, but I stuffed it for two days and finally started crying 2 nights ago. Naturally, my DH is offering no support whatsoever, because this is one of his drinking buddies, and he says I asked for it because I was bothering him by making small talk and assuming he was my friend too! That's when I came back to these boards because I had seen a topic about rude things people say to BC survivors, and I wanted some help dealing with this.
I read your post this morning and you are in my thoughts and prayers. We can get through this with the help of all these wonderful, strong women here. You have ALL become my inspiration to keep going and NEVER give up on ourselves. I'm also back on Wellbutrin, after going off it shortly before my cancer diagnosis, and it might be helping. I'm not advocating this for anyone else, but I also resumed my bioidentical HRT (estradiol and prometrium) because I believe they can't cause cancer if I no longer have any breast tissue, other than skin and nipples. My cancer was DCIS, stage 0, in my upper outer quadrant of my right breast, so no where near the skin or nipples, so I'm OK with my decision. The hot flashes and night sweats were so awful that I felt it was the best decision for me. Everybody should consult their doctors before trying this, and, again, I am not advising anyone to try this without assuming the risks.
To everyone else, I've never told my complete story on this or any other message boards before, so I'm sorry this post is so long. I've needed to get this off my chest (how appropriate) and thank all of you for your insight and personal perspectives. One of the earlier posts quotes Winston Churchill and I just find it so appropriate, so I think it bears repeating: "When you're going through hell, keep going." Hang in there! Thank you ALL for helping me get through the trauma.
0 -
I have tears ... cuz, I am not crazy! I've been fighting with my Oncologist, and depression .. too strong for too long ... WOW, oh Wow ...
Thank you, and please send a Thank you - to your husband.j
Vicki Sam
0 -
runt- I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Your first PS should be shot. It always amazes me that a doctor can treat their patient that way but it seems particularly appalling when it is a women treating another woman that way. She should be reported to the AMA. I'm glad you have found a good friend close to you. This thread has been a lifeline for a lot of us but it's nice to have some "face to face" time with someone who cares. Don't ever worry about venting or long posts. That's why we're all here- to help each other get through the crummy days when it all seems just way too much. (((hugs)))
0 -
runt- I am so very sorry - what a horrible and hateful woman. Don't you just wonder how on earth she can go home and live with herself after being so mean. I think you should report her also just so no one else has to go through what you did. I am just so heartsick for you. Thank goodness you found a wonderful caring doctor who has your best interests at hear.
As to your husband and his friend. Wow and your husband didn't support you? What on earth is he thinking expecially with all you have been through. Please do talk more to you friend and these boards and if possible try and get a good therapist just to have someone in person who will always be on your side and help you. BC is hard enough with all you have had to go through and are going through. Thinking of you!
0 -
Runt thank you for sharing your story.
The recon issues for BMX are really hard to get through any way and then add Dr issues it makes it that much harder. I had an infection two weeks out from BMX and had my right TE taken out, left ok. Had chemo finished that in Oct. Tried recon on right side again in Nov before rads tx. Got bad case of cellulites put on antibiotics, incision started leaking, thought that was healed then got a hole in skin that exposed TE, had to be taken out. Well I do not blame the PS for my issues, he has been great. I started rads in Jan and just finished them. Saw PS two weeks into rads and gave him my decision not to continue recon. He understood but asked that I think it over and see him two months after finishing rads. I have already made up my mind, so what is going to happen, after 3 months of finishing rads PS is going to take out left TE and firm up skin on both sides. So I can get on with my life after May. In Dec I got real depressed and just went through the motions of the day. This site has helped me get back on my feet along with DH, DS and my faith. Dec was my down time during this journey. Now I have an awesome idea. When I am recovered from surgery I might get tatooed. Never had one except for my rad tats.0 -
Kate: At least we have a colony with all of these great women on it!!! Sorry to hear about the possibility of your job being to replace strikers. I would go to the interview anyway, if just to have practice doing it. There re plenty of other airlines.
Runt: I am speaking from my own experiences when I say this. I grew up in a very toxic and disfunctional environment and spent many years going to ACA meetings trying to get peace with the people who were in my life at the time. I have had many an alcoholic, abusive boyfriend and after hearing your story, my heart goes out to you. You do not have to take this abuse--you can learn to set boundaries with people and you can get help and learn to not accept this sort of treatment. Get yourself into some Alanon (is that how it's spelled?) meetings, get some counseling and come here where all of these great women are who will lift your spirits and help support you. Hugs!
Stanzie: I have always loved reading your posts and hearing how you are doing. You are an amazing woman just as you are. You don't have to be anyone else except yourself. Know that!!!
I am home with the flu and should be sleeping now. Had to cancel my nipple recon on Tuesday and rescheduled it for March 15. Very dissappointed.
0 -
Kate, I agree with the others - go to the interview anyway, it doesn't mean you have to accept the job! If one is offered you can always say you have received a better offer from another company.
Runt, my heart goes out to you. Abuse from a "trusted" profession is unacceptable! We are vulnerable already. That doc has psychological issues for sure. Perhaps it's a power thing for her...
Miller, glad to hear you're still on track for no recon. Stay strong sweetie, the reality will be a relief!
mbj, very smart not to get surgery while sick. Someone else on the boards got MRSA because her immune system was "down" and she picked it up in the hospital!!!
0 -
MBJ- Sorry you got the flu and had to reschedule your nipple recon. We get ourselves so psyched up for each step so it's hard to postpone. Hope you're feeling better soon!
mjbmiller- You've also had so many challenges with this whole recon thing. It seems to happen to so many women yet the doctors really downplay it when you're first starting out. Lately, it seems like more women than not have complications. Maybe someone needs to look into why it's happening so frequently. I think the tattoo idea is great! Any idea what you will get?
Thanks for the advice everyone. My pity party is over and I've decided to go to the interview. Like you said, if nothing else it will be good practice. (Besides I bought a new suit and everything!
)Wishing you all a wonderful weekend. We should all find some kind of special treat for ourselves (MBJ, yours can even be chicken soup) and then report back on what we found or did. We deserve it!
0 -
Thanks for the well wishes everyone! Even though I was sick, my DH bought us season theater tickets and I went to the Jane Fonda one about ALS. Wish I wasn't sick but it was really great to see an icon perform.
Kate: I think that it's great that you bought a new suit. It says that you are ready to move on! Maybe this job won't be the one, but I know you will find the perfect job. Hugs!
Okay, not sure why the letters all of a sudden got big! Signing off here.
0 -
hi all...I first checked in with all of you a couple weeks ago...after my first excisional biopsy. There was a complication from that surgery and I had to have another done--this past Wednesday was the day--alas more complications and a couple hours after I came out of surgery I went back in. I've now had 3 surgeries in 3 weeks (2 on the same day) and still await diagnosis. I cannot seem to escape the doom and gloom...I'm exhausted and anything that is negative, that is where I am. I don't mean to whine, considering I know I've been through nothing compared to most of you. I just needed to let it out and get rid of some of the pain that's in me. All of you inspire me---I will continue to read in here and look for the light.
0 -
Linda- I'm sorry for all you're going through. It's so hard when all you want is answers and, believe it or not, you are going through the hardest part of the whole thing. Hopefully, your biopsy will turn out to be nothing. If not, though, the beginning is the most difficult. You're trying to have tests done, educate yourself as much as possible, make a plan, deal with the emotions of it all, deal with the emotions of friends and family. It can get very overwhelming. None of us would ever diminish what you are going through. Just know whatever happens you have found a great source of support and information on BCO. This place has been a lifeline for so many of us as it will be for you should you need it. I'm hoping so much that you won't. Please keep us posted. (((hugs)))
0 -
Linda- sending you a (((hug)).
0 -
Linda your a warrior, hang in there. We are here for you.
mbj hope you were able to enjoy yourself and get to be feeling better.0 -
Linda: Kate has some great advice. Hang in there and we are all here for you to listen while you rant all you want. Hugs.
0 -
Linda - I agree with Kate - this is the hardest part and 3 surgeries - well yours already is harder than most. I hope you get some answers soon.
Yes Kate!!! I so agree for you to go to the interview anyway and at least your found out before so you wouldn't have your hopes and heart set on this job - well I mean getting excited the interview went well and then finding out. Gosh I'm tired hope that makes a bit of sense.
runt - totally agree with MJB and Kate
and MJB - thanks that was really nice! Made my day! glad the Jane Fonda even was good. I got to "sort of meet her in person" She asked me where the bathroom was and I told her! She looks wonderful up close! Feel better! I went to Cirque du Soleil with a temp of 101.5! ( didn't know it was anywhere that bad - I should have stayed home on that one. Glad you cancelled the surgery till you are not sick - agree with Barb - not good a good place to be when sick - ironic isn't it?
mjbmiller - I'm assuming you mean nipple tatoo's - well you never know? If so, I have seen someone who had that done from that lady in Ashville and they really looked amazing! So just to throw that in. You have certainly been through a lot also. Well I guess we all have one way or another but reading other's posts always seem so much more complicated.
You all are so wonderful! This thread makes me feel safe - not something I get to say very often these day. Thanks!
0 -
I'm pretty sure she meant the kind of tatoos I want. I want to get a butterfly tatooed across my chest. Very airy and delicate not a heavy black outline, but more kind of lacy.....
0 -
Stanzie- I understood what you meant and I agree. I'm going into the interview kind of not caring either way if I get it which will probably help with the nerves a lot. So maybe it's a good thing I heard about the picketing!
barbe- The butterfly sounds really cool! Great idea!
0 -
That saying is so true. I take a combination of cipralex and xanax. Cipralex makes me feel somewhat anxious but supposed to happen less often whlie taking it and xanax slows me down. Have battled anxiety all my life wich sometimes brings me into a depressed state from fighting it for so long. Meds help but dont cure.That saying says a lot.
0 -
I just read an interesting article in Oprah magazine about PTSD. The standard treatment is to talk about your trauma from 8 to 15 therapeutic sessions combined with lots of homework and it is called Prolonged Esposure Therapy. It has a 95% success rate. There is a 20% drop out rate though. The actual article is about underground therapists using a medical grade Ecstacy drug with a therapist to get the same results.
0 -
Sounds kind of like de-sensitizing yourself. It would work. That's why I told everyone I met; the more I said "I have breast cancer" the easier it was to say. I still have other life issues though....
0 -
Actually, I did that when my Mom died. We got back to the hotel from the hospital and I told everyone behind the desk. Huh....whadya know?
0 -
I learned that a long time ago in 12 step meetings that talking about things really heals!
0 -
I was thinking of LA ink tatoos. Bikini top, roses, under water scene like Finding Nemo. Some thing fun. Just gota get by the DH, maybe in a coupe of years when I'm healed.
0 -
Bikini top would be amazing, but can you imagine the cost!
0 -
I know what you mean. DH said he wasn't going to fund the cost. Excuse me I work too. Anyway it was just a fun thought.
0 -
He wasn't going to fund the cost? Now I want you to get an even bigger tatoo!! But, I must admit, when I'd saved up enough to start (I figure the lacy outline and then gentle colouring in as I can afford it) I wanted to get US a new sofa. So I did. Why didn't I get my tatoo????? Why do we women do that? I used to sit and stare at the design I had chosen on the internet and imagine that beautiful vision covering my horrid scars...and yet I denied myself. And now there is definitely no money!!!
0 -
I'm wondering if there are any tattoo artists that give discounts to BC survivors? How cool would that be and what great advertising for them! Personally, I think insurance should pay for it. They didn't have to pay for your reconstruction they should pay for something!
0 -
LindaM I went through bilateral mastectomy and two additional surgeries in 2 weeks. It takes a lot out of you. Do not apologize. The amount of anxiety you are feeling must be overwhelming besides feeling rotten physically. The stress of all that is happening is ubelievable . Be gentle with yourself. Don't feel like you have to behave in any certain way. Do what is right for you. Good luck.
Runt I am sorry you are hurting. It is always so easy for those who have not gone through what you have, to tell you how to think and behave. Most often it is some glib pollyanna thing that just does not cut it as you are facing all this. Or be positive when only negative things are happening to you. Like if I had been more positive I wouldn't have had cancer or all the complications I did.
Each and everyone of us brings histories with us to this journey which impacts how we travel it.
MJB feel better
Kate good luck on your interview.
0
