Great saying about depression
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Thanks for the well wishes! Had to postpone the nipple/areola surgery until March 15th because of this darned flu! Bleh!
I was told by a tattoo artist that some of them don't charge anything for BC patients and some charge only 50% of the regular price
. The good news is it isn't that expensive! My PS just refers his patients to go elsewhere for the tattoo. Doctors usually aren't very well trained in the procedure and a reputable artist will do a much better job.Kate: Good luck today!
LindaM & Runt: Sending you many healing thoughts!
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Regarding tattoo artists, Facecrafter (who's a tattoo artist and a member of BCO) has a list of very good artists in many states - many of them don't charge BC survivors (but I think that's for the normal nipple & aureola tattoos, not the complicated tattoos Mjbmiller and Barbe were discussing). You can PM her.
Lately, I've been so depressed about my scars. They don't seem to be getting any lighter. When I get out of the shower and look at myself in the mirror, I feel like I've been mutilated. I know it can take awhile for the scars to heal. I just hope after a year there a lot less noticable. Right now, I'm not planning to get nipple reconstruction (too many infections and bad experiences in hospitals over the last year), and I don't think I'm going to get tattoos (also due to fear of infection). I just miss my old breasts.
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Sorry Ladies, today is a rant day for me.
I am so tired of fighting both the depression and the fatigue. It is all so intertwinded. Depression, lack of sleep, fatigue. Once I get going in that downward spiral, it is so hard, and takes so much energy and effort to stop the cycle.
I just cannot sleep these days. I am having terrible, painful night sweats (Tamoxifen), and even with a prescribed sleep aid I don't get into REM sleep at all. Usually, this only lasts about 7-10 days a month. But this month I'm at about day 15.
I do see a cancer psychologist who really helps. Talking about it helps, but I've found that the only way to really help is to talk about the gorey details of what happened in my treatment, and there aren't many (if any) people who are really willing to hear the details. So I soften it all up by just saying "radiation was excruciating". That helps the listener, but it doesn't help me at all. My therapist IS willing to hear the details, but I don't see her often enough I guess.
I just want to scream, from the top of the tallest building. I want to tell my family, friends and co-workers that I'm still living with this cancer experience. I take a drug every day that makes me feel like crap. I worry every day that every ache and pain is cancer returning. I worry about the late effects of treatment, and I feel the pain of those late effects daily. I'm struggling, and I need you all to know it.
But I don't scream it from the building. I bottle it up, carry on like the Barbie they knew before my BC. Sometimes I just want the world to stop. I want people to stop asking these of me.
Blech. I'm exhausted and I miss the old me. I just cannot seem to find her anymore.
(thanks for reading- sorry about the stream of consciousness post)
Barbie
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LG300- Have you checked out the scar thread on here? (Skin S.O.S.-Scar Remedies) There's lot of good suggestions. The one I used was called Tropol Active-S by Dermetrx (dermetrx.com) It really worked well for me. You can order it on line. I think if you "friend" them on Facebook you get a discount. There's also a physican discount you can apply for online.
Barbie7- I can definitely empathize with the lack of REM sleep. I know what a number it does on you when it's chronic. I always feel like wet cement in the morning. Have you tried Effexor for the hot flashes? It's supposed to help. Feel free to share any details you want here. We all understand how hard it is when those around you have moved on and they expect you to do the same. I miss the old me, too. I know she's in there and I'll excavate her eventually but it'll take time. (((hugs)))
So 3 more days until my first job interview in over 25 years (!!!) I have to say I am starting to get my "freak out" on. Just found out I have to stand up in front of 100 people, tell my best "customer service" story and then tell why they should hire me. If I make it through all that I have a one-on-one interview where I get grilled for over an hour. If I survive that I get put in a group (to see if I play well with others or run with scissors) where they will give us some kind of inane group exercise that magically tells them if we are worthy of being employed. Starting to think I don't want this job after all because all that sounds way too painful. Is it just my post BC, feel like crap, total lack of self esteem talking? Probably.
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Barb - beautiful picture. Wow butterflies - great!!!
Kate - I agree that will totally help your nerves so perhaps a good omen.
Got bad news today - my brother in law's cancer has returned and they will remove his colon on Thursday..... They think his liver is ok.... Really hate cancer!!!
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Whoops missed this whole last page but have to run....
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LG300: the scar thread is great and you should check it out! Also, get yourself some sublingual melatonin (great stuff for BC)! You have to gradually build up to what is the right amount for you (for me it's 20 mg) and you will have intense dreams for about 2 weeks but you will have heavenly sleep if you are consistant with it and consistant with your bed time and wake up time. If you feel groggy in the morning you have taken too much and you cut back one pill. If you still wake up you will find you will usually still be able to return back to sleep. Hugs!
Kate: Wow! that is nerve racking! You will do great though--We are strong like lions after all we have been through and you are so empathatic-how could they not hire you?
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MBJ and Kate - Thanks for your suggestions.
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Stanzie: So sorry to hear about your brother in law--cancer does suck! Hugs!!
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Kate, I run with scissors and I most certainly do NOT play well with others!!! That's why I'm in sales and not customer service. I'd be the one that tells everyone off like that male that opened the slide and flew down it drinking a beer after telling everyone on the plane off! My hero!!!
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Barbe1958: I love, love, love your new avatar! You look beautiful! I have to agree with your statement above. I work in sales, too, and I am prone to run with scissors more often then not, LOL!
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Stanzie, barbe and (I think) mjbmiller- Love all the new photos!
Stanzie- Sorry to hear about your BIL. CaNCeR jUSt SUcKs, sUckS, SuCkS!!!!!
barbe- When I was working as a flight attendant there were many a day when I WANTED to pop the slide and escape (which makes me wonder why I'm trying to do this job again!). It took a lot of self restraint not to!
MBJ- Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'm feeling less like a lion these days, though, and more like a house cat. LOL! (Just want to curl up in that little patch of sunlight in my living room and play with my cat toys!)
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Kate: I so agree with you! My cats are living the life I want to have, lol! MStar came around and posted recently and since we all went through this around the same time, I thought I would let you know. She looks great!!!
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Stanzie, so sorry about your Brother in law. I agree, cancer SUCKS.
Barbe - to quote MBJ, "Love, love, love the new avatar!" This Barbie concurs.
Kate - you've fought cancer, this job interview is nothing (but kind of a hassle). Be yourself, and you'll be great. Remember, just because you interview, doesn't mean you have to take the job if offerred.
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Thanks ladies! This is the cut my DH and I did last week.! Brave, aren't I?
Kate, you'll get the offer because you don't want the job! They'll be able to tell you're not desparate.
Cancer MORE than sucks.....
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Barbe1958 - ditto on the hair it looks lovely.
Stanzi so sorry about your brother hugs to you and him.
Kate good luck on the job interview, you have been through a lot but now you are stronger.
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- Kate - good luck on your job interview. Like Barbe said - you'll get offered the job because you don't want the job.
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Barbie7- Just read an article here on BCO that said research shows Lexapro is highly effective to ward off hot flashes. Just thought I'd pass it on since you mentioned it in an earlier post.
Thanks again everyone for all the encouraging "pre-interview" pep talk. It really helped!
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Kate: How close are you to Scottsdale? I just booked my hotel for my friend's wedding March 25 & 26th. We are driving up on Friday and leaving Sunday.
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Kate33 and Stanzie-I have seriously contemplated reporting my first PS, but I'm so afraid to rehash all the gory details of the trauma. My current PS just wants me to focus on healing, at the the moment, so I'm following Dr's orders. Since I'm am an RN, I feel a professional need to file a formal complaint with the state licensing and accreditation boards, but I just can't deal with that yet. Thank you both for the words of encouragement. I probably should see a therapist too, but I'm not ready for that either. The emotional help that I find on these boards, thanks to you all, has helped me beyond belief. Kate33, I'll be thinking about you on the 25th and wish you the best of luck with the job interview, and Stanzie, my heart goes out to you and your BIL:(
mjbmiller and barbe1958-I'm so sorry you've had such difficult recons too. I know how devastated you feel because of it, and now the scars are a constant reminder. I asked my current PS to try and improve mine when he did my latest revision, but he didn't want to touch them because they're too new. The plan was to just lower my TEs and continue with the expansion and eventual implants. I've done a lot of research re scar treatment and, after a year, they might need further revision with more surgery or lasers. Time will tell. I told him I'm contemplating tattoos too, and jokingly, I mentioned some lovely barbed wire, or at least a few roses with some obvious thorns here and there. All we can do is to try not to focus on the scars too much. I keep thinking about the fact that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, but I know how discouraging this has been for you.
MBJ-I tried to contact Al-Anon on Monday, but they weren't answering their phone, probably because of the holiday. I need to try again, but I was too busy today. I've gotten interested in the stock markets lately and today it was horrendous, so I was glued to my computer, watching all the destruction. Makes me realize what a high tolerance for pain I actually have. I'm sorry you're dealing with the flu too, and the nurse in me just wants to give you a couple of Tylenols, some hot tea with honey and lemon, and tuck you in a comfy bed and wait on you. Please get well soon and healthy before the nipple recon. I'll be thinking about you on the big day! Also, I'm going to check out that Prolonged Exposure Therapy, so thanks for mentioning that in a post. I'm sure I suffer from PTSD, and not just from the cancer and surgical complications.
barbe1958-I love that running with scissors analogy that you mentioned in a post. I guess I've been there all my life and never acknowledged it until recently. My first PS was definitely on a power trip and I thought it might have been because I asked her a lot of questions. Maybe I threatened her because I've been a nurse much longer than she's been an MD . I think she is a miserable, unhappy person and I just had the misfortune to have been referred to her. I told my general surgeon all about her and warned her to not do anymore surgeries with her. She'll get her's in the end, because people like that always do. I also like the idea of the butterfly tattoo. I'm going to check out the thread Kate33 mentioned (Skin SOS).
Linda-M and Determined-I'm so glad I found this board because your encouragement has really helped me. Linda-M, you are so brave and strong to have endured 3 surgeries in 3 weeks and I wish you the best!
Barbie7-I know what you mean about how difficult it is when people expect you to be cured of the cancer and get over it. We're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just the other day my DH said something to the effect of "enough with the cancer". His mother had the old style radical mastectomy and no recon. in the 1960s, when he was around 14 years old, and he said she NEVER talked about it. I told him that's because he was a child and she was his mother, but he's an adult now (that's a stretch) and I'm his wife, not his mommy! He just wants me to shut up about it and I just had my 3rd surgery in 4 months on Feb 7th. I'm trying to eliminate people in my life who are that dense, but since we're married, that's not an easy thing to do. I try to stear clear of him, especially when he's drinking, and occupy myself with my laptop. It's definitely warmer than he is and all the supportive and kind people are inside it! Don't let insensitive idiots intrude and expect you to snap out of it. You know what they say, there but for the grace of God......
LG300-You are mourning the loss of your breasts, but the surgery has saved your life and time will help you go through all the healthy stages of grieving. I wish I could help because I'm feeling the same. The scars, the complications, the depression will all fade, if you give them time and let all these supportive ladies here help you. I'm stating these things here because I'm trying to convince myself that they're really true I need some hope that the light at the end of this tunnel with eventually shine through. Let yourself feel these feelings now and don't try to stuff them away because they will haunt you forever. I failed to grieve when I went through a divorce, after a 15 year marriage AND the loss of both parents, and that was 10 years ago. Those painful feelings are still following me around and make the whole cancer and complicated recon so much more difficult. Come back to these boards when you need a shoulder to cry on. That's my plan of attack.
To all of you caring, brave ladies, I owe you a debt of gratitude. Thanks to all!
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MBJ- It would probably only be about a 30 minute drive to see you so no problem. I'm just a little ways southeast of Scottsdale. Can't wait to meet you!
runt- That was a great post. With all your pain and challenges you are still able to give to others and help them! (((hugs)))
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runt - thanks for your words of encouragement. I praise the Lord everyday for the love and support of my DH. He has been my rock through all this and the love of my DS. They are great, I wish I could share. We all had an evening at Cirque du soleil for family night. It was fantastic.
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runt: I agree that your focus right now is to heal and that this is most important! I am feeling better, so thank you for asking. I think that women tend to be caretakers and I hope through Al-Anon you will find the strength and support to help you through this difficult time. Of course, we are here, too!
Kate: I am so happy to hear you aren't far! We will be staying at the Xona Resort in Scottsdale and I am not sure when we will arrive. The wedding is at 5pm on Saturday, so maybe we can meet for lunch! PM me your numbers and I will do the same. I can't wait to meet you, too!!!
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Runt - Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am so sorry for all you have been through. Your first PS sounds just horrible. Although she probably should be reported, I completely understand your not wanting to rehash everything. I was thinking of suing the hospital where I had my surgery. They made a major error (giving me the leftover IV medication from another patient) that fortunately didn't cause major harm (although I did get a staph infection and the emotional fear when I found out was terrible). A friend of mine who's a lawyer said a suit would take months, if not a year or two, and I decided I just want to move past this - the thought of rehashing the incident for a year didn't seem very productive for my emotional health. I'm also sorry your DH isn't more supportive. It's great you have your neighbor and all of us on BCO! We're always here for you!
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Runt, I never tried recon, so I didn't have problems. I hope none of my posts implied that I knew all about recon!
I think your complaint should be from your heart and not from a professional. When the board reads the file, they want to feel your pain and frustration not the clinical terms for everything. Don't necessarily sue, but get the word out so someone else doesn't have to put up with it. But I bet she did feel threatened by your knowledge. I warn my caretakers that they can use the big words with me and I can throw them right back.
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runt- During my exchange surgery the hospital gave me an overdose of Dilaudid and I stopped breathing about 10x. Then they lied to my DH, who was in the waiting room, about what was going on. Everyone told me to sue, too, but a friend of mine who's a lawyer said it's almost impossible to win unless someone was killed or permanently harmed (which I wasn't). I let it go until I was stronger and then I put some phone calls in and sent letters about what had happened. A higher up from the hospital finally called me and I vented to her for over an hour. Not only about what had happened but the fact that no one ever came to me and told me how it happened or apologized because I ended up staying overnight for what was supposed to be a simple procedure. After that phone call I was finally ready to move forward. I think all I wanted was for someone to say, "Sorry that happened to you. It should have happened and we apologize." Wish your PS would at least do that!
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Barb - can't remember if I said before - adore your haircut - very beautiful to match you!
I agree with Barb - heartfelt and not professional. I think it would be too easy to deal with a professional complaint not that you won't have those aspect in it but from the heart is harder to ignore.
Kate, I'm glad that helped. I had something happen a very long time ago when we were trying to get pregnant and I never did anything about the Doctor, no letter no nothing and it still bothers me and makes me cringe when I hear of that Dr. It was malpractice and negligence but that limit ran out long long ago so?? From what a lawyer friend told me is just do whatever you are going to do or say within two years.
Yes, Kate - an acknowledgment and apologie would have been wonderful. Why do people find it so hard cause it helps so much!!!
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Oh, I'm so jealous Kate and MBJ get to meet!!!! Have fun and laugh a lot!
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I had a doctor do an internal when I was first pregnant WITHOUT a glove! I was horrified but afraid of him so I said nothing. A couple weeks later he shot his wife and kids and then went into his office and took an overdose of something that "destroyed his insides", killing him. Y'all just reminded me of that! Thanks! That was a memory I was glad I'd forgotten!!!!
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Oh My Gosh!!! I do not even begin to know what to say...... That is just so horrible..... Might be good that you didn't say anything. I'm sure you are sorry you remembered. Wow.
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