Great saying about depression
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@ Barbe....about the 5 year thing...thanks!! Now I'm gonna obssess about that!
I actually had a dream when I first found my lump. I dreamt that an older woman with long dark hair handed me a pink envelope with the number 5 hand written in blue ink. Well, I knew I had cancer then. The needle biopsy confirmed it about a week later. So that's why that "5" has always been lurking. But it could mean, 5 years of emotional suffering and then I'm free!! I'm trying to go against my genetics and be positive here. I am the child of Eeyore and Schleprock so it ain't easy. Suicide: I promised my husband that I would tell him if I start thinking about it again. I have committed to myself that I will not do it. It would be the ultimate trauma for my family and my grandsons, especially the oldest whom I am so close to, would likely never recover. I was kind of half mom/half Bubbies to him. But I don't judge people. It's sad when a young person takes their life....there are so many possibilities. But the mental anguish that I have lived in for 4 years, longer really because I nearly lost my husband 5 years ago and his heart is still problematic, anyhow I never ever thought I could feel so much pain without losing a loved one. Excruciating. I want a better life. I want to be happy to wake up. @Kate, I have thought many times before, what if I went off the road (I live in the mountains) and it were an accident? Or I just didn't wake up? Well, I'm fighting against that feeling. I have a therapist that I'm overdue to see but hopefully will have a phone appt with her tomorrow.
@gmafoley: I was so incredibly weak and tired after my rads. I have a weak immune system and I was laid out, no energy and horrible burns. I didn't really obssess about my other breast bu I obsessed about how maybe the flesh in my breast might be cooking like a roast. Gross...I know. We can get stuck on some weird things when we're going through such unnatural processes.
Thank you all for listening.
If we all lived closer, we could get together! It's much scarier to go to a community support group. At least we would know each other a little first.
Thanks for being here.
Lisa
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Lisa, I'm hoping you are on meds??? If not, you have to talk to someone. One of the pills I take actually has 'suicidal thoughts' as a side effect!!! You may be taking something that is making normal depression (cancer diagnosis) be exagerated (suicide). Please keep us posted on your thoughts.
I believe that God would take Home a suicide. He loves us unconditionally and KNOWS that it is a mental process and not just bad thinking that gives someone the strength to kill themself.
I like the term 'checked out' from the post above (Lisa?). That's what I'm doing right now. Staying home an awful lot, but don't feel the need to go out except to see kids/grands.
Remembered my best friend in the whole world when I had my sewing store when I was in my early 40's. She was my soul sister. We could finish each other's sentences and had the same sense of humour. We'd laugh until we cried. She is the only one that I let hear "Three Blind Mice" on my violin that I was teaching myself. I was actually able to tell her I loved her. She died of cancer......
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I remember reading this book one time that said we choose our life on earth based on certain lessons we still needed to learn. For those that commit suicide the lesson was just too hard. The theory was that they would need to return in another lifetime to repeat the lesson (kind of like the bar exam!). It also said that those that were facing the highest adversity were the more "advanced souls" because they had chosen the hardest life. Not sure how much of that I believe but it is very thought provoking. Here's to all of us getting through our life lessons!
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Kate--(((Hugs)))) to you and your husband.
I love reading everybody's wisdom about life in these postings. Barbie I think you need to start another quilting gaggle of women--maybe just a group in your house...
Stanzie--sounds like MBJ is steering you the right way.
I went to see my primary care doc today for my pre op physical--she said to go off the zocor and maybe that will alleviate the muscle and joint aches I've been having. So we'll see. I still feel tired and sick to my stomach most of the time from the arimidex, hoping that will ease up after a while.
It sounds like some of you live in kinda isolated areas--that would make it tougher to connect with others. I am making progress I think with the programs at the Wellness Community in Cincy but I realize not everyone has that available.
For me creative writing is a great escape--I really forget the world I live in when I am writing. Maybe bubbies, 3jays--any creative endeavors sound fun? do it for yourself, not anybody else.
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Rowan is that an Aussie in your avatar?? My Charlie is an Aussie Blue Merle.
Sorry for all that have dealt with suicide I am sorry you've had such tragedy in your life it's another one of those things I don't think we could every understand what that person was feeling or thinking..sad. As I read everyone's post last night something dawned on me but I was too tire to post and I've not mentioned to anyone in my family...only here. My grandmother (mothers side) was diagnosed with BC when I was 15...she lived in France along with the rest of my mothers family. She used to visit the states every summer but it sort of just dawned on me that she never visited after her diagnosis..she had it in the EXACT breast as me and had a unimx. She did chemo not sure about rads....but now that I think about it I guess I can totally understand why she never visited...she was always mentally ill since she lost her hubby in WWII ...anyhow, at the time no one really pressed it or thought about why she didn't visit...We just knew she had cancer ...mx..chemo and was ok. You know like us...
...anyhow, five years later she committed suicide. I guess cause she threatened it all the time but never followed through(some stuff for attention) I never thought until reading this that ya know maybe the BC sent her over the edge depressed to the point she simply couldn't handle life anymore. Its hard to think about because she was a hard woman to love or care about..she was mean mean mean and had no friends. I have lots of friends and feel lonely so I can't imagine how she felt. I think when my sister comes home from vacay i will discuss with her. My twin sister gets me and knows I've been in a funk so it might be helpful to me to talk through this.You ladies always give me something to think about...I wish all the time we all lived around the corner from everyone and could have our conversations live. I met with a BCo member last night and we/I cried and laughed for hours. It is really nice to have someone in town to talk to that understands. It was such a nice night. It was really nice as she reached out to me in a PM. 3Jays maybe there is someone in your neighborhood on the boards that you can meet up for wine and chat. If I am ever in any of your neighborhoods I would for sure love to visit.
I picture us all in Kate's yard (mainly cause I've seen pics of her house on Facebook and she is in warm climate all year) with big fat red wine glasses and candles sitting outside chatting and laughing for hours. Maybe with a firepit going...and S'mores...definitely chocolate of some sort.
Love you ladies...Have a good weekend TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!
Diane
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There's a lot here to process..my quick comment is that I was on Ambien for a year to help me sleep after practically no sleep for the prior 2 years. It worked so great for me -- I slept 6 hours straight, not groggy in AM, didn't do any weird sleep-walking.
But I started to feel suicidal !! It took my depression and ramped it up to that degree...I did not put two and two together until I happened to see something about it on the internet. I stopped it cold turkey (oops, I guess you're not suppposed to do that), felt like I had the flu for about a week, and then I was better. Not feeling suicidal anymore. Course I'm back to having problems sleeping, but am working on that with a naturopathic doctor...
So...Barbe has a good point -- check your meds, make sure suicidal thoughts is not a potential side effect !
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DiDel- we can have a get together here anytime (though we might want to wait until it gets below 100*). I've got the pool, firepit and ample red wine! You bring the chocolate! :-D
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Im in!! We'll wait for the late fall when it's starts to be too cold on the east coast.
I like dark chocolate..mmmmmmmm..damn now I want a spoonful of the dark chocolate ice cream in my fridge..yum!
Good night west coast ladies!
Diane
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I am on Meds and even though I don't have a lot of friends right around me, I have a great therapist and a very good psychiatrist. I had a bit of a quack Psychiatrist for a few years and just recently changed about 6 months ago. It's been very slow weaning off one of the mood stabilizers that he gave me (that took away all traces of my creativity!) but anyhow, I'm off of about 3/4 of it now and still cutting back. I can't do it too quick or I get migraines.
Kate, I had heard that saying before about choosing our life....I don't put much stock in that one for myself. I had someone tell me that I chose my parents...you know, all of that is entertaining but there just isn't any logical or even religious reason for me to believe it. The best I can figure, it's all random. Lots of bad things happen to some people even when they don't bring it on themselves. I've also seen lots of good things happen to really mean, dishonest people. How can we possibly know the whys of this life?? I choose to believe in a God that knows what's going on but there is no way for me to understand it here and now.
Diane, that sounds like a toughie with your grandmother but you may be onto something, figuring out why she chose the way that she did. Sometimes people are mean because they hurt and they don't want anyone to ever come near enough again, that way they will not suffer the loss of people.
Suicide does not "run" in my family although depression does. And I have had a very challenging life (to put it mildly) from the time I was a toddler. That has been part of my anger: it has been hard for me all of my life. I squeeze in some art and creativity and I laugh like you wouldn't believe. But I suffer, too.
Barbe, I love the idea that you had a quilt store. My best friend was going to open a quilt store....we even went to Houston to purchase. But she got sick shortly after that with her kidneys failing. I adore fabric. I like to touch it and smell it...it's like candy! And I reallly reallly like vintage buttons.
Just wanted to show you a little of the work I have done in the past. I haven't been at it much lately but I have a lot to choose from if I get motivated to work! (Barbe, I threw my little bear paw wallhanging in there for you!)
Hugs,
Lisa
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iambubbies: My entire life has been one of adversity--I think some of the greatest artists were inspired by their pain! Depression runs in my family, so does alcoholism. I tried antidepressants and it killed my creativity so I went off of them codl turkey-looking back I am sure that wasn't the best choice. Your art is gorgeous!!!
Didel: I agree, I think pain and loss can make people mean. My mother/grandmother were French Catholic and they were both very cold, very mean people. Niether of them were ever able to express any emotion at all! I am the opposite, overly emotional and expressive which I get from my Hungarian side.
Kate: That sounds so lovely! My DH and I have always wanted an actual home and it's cost prohibitive in Los Angeles. We would have to be millionaires to afford a $400,000.00 start up that's a fixer upper in a bad neighborhood. Your home sound so nice!! Wine, chocolate, a fire--perfect for a fall evening.
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Kate: I finally found you on FB and sent a friend request: I am MBJ.
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Lisa -- love your creations! I am in awe of people who can create beautiful things !
Diane -- dark chocolate ice cream ?!? YUM!
Kate -- I guess we will all just have to imagine being gathered around your yard, drinking wine and laughing... but I'm finding "cyber friends" are better than nothing ! Especially the ladies here on these boards, who now have a common thread tying them together, who "get it"...
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Lisa, beautiful work!!! I didn't think my anti-D's affected my creativity...hmmm. Would I be even better without them?? I do know that I am good at art. It is not for us to 'hide our lights under a barrel/basket' but to share our gifts with the rest of the world. It took me until I was about 45 before I could say 'I am an artist'. I feel very lucky.....
I just wish I could find a job that wrapped my creativity up with it! Doing the model homes was great while it lasted....sigh. I have to get my craft room set up, but we're getting new flooring put in once my DH's mom's estate finally comes through. No point setting it all up then ripping it all apart. I'll take pics when its' done. I've been using my photography for my artistic needs lately and have framed about a dozen prints. Doing the 'flower thing' but probably not like you think. I like to get up-close-and-personal with my subjects, so you might see the back of a flower and not the front! Or down the throat of a rose, but not the outer petals. My picture, my choice!
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MBJ- Yeah, another Facebook friend! So fun to share photos since I'm technologically challenged and haven't figured out how to do it on here. (Not sure I'd post photos of my DS either.) We have a lot of friends in So. Cal and know how hard it is to find an affordable house. You should come to AZ! Lots of deals here right now! We love our house. We designed and built it 14 years ago this summer and there's definitely a lot of blood, sweat and tears poured into it. It's what I put my creativity into since I love home decorating.
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Kate, posting pictures from FB is the easiest!! In fact, I post on FB so I CAN post here. Just right click and copy on FB, come over here and right click and copy. It may ask if you want to allow the computer to do that and you just say yes! (might have to say yes twice).
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That is my DH from yesterday holding my #1 grandson Zach! Zach is holding his mouth like that because he has 2 new teeth and knows everyone wants to see them....hehehehehehe.
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Barbe- Thanks! What a cute picture! Your grandson is adorable!!!!
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Diane--yeah, my avatar is my best buddy,besides my DH, and she is a mini aussie. She's 8 years old and still has plenty of energy. We used to walk 3 miles every morning....I can't wait to get back to that. I think the term "velcro dog" ((as I've heard them termed) fits the breed perfectly.. Don't you just love the blue merle coloring? Dixie has one blue eye and one brown eye. It freaks some people out, but I love it.
Lisa --your art is gorgeous!
I went off anti depressants twice--once on my own (bad idea) and then later under a drs care. I hope I don't ever go back on them--they helped a lot, but man did they mess up my libido!!! Didn't
know that until this last time around--I always thought it was working full time and raising three kids that made me, shall we say, not as responsive. 'course I do take a valium every night before bed right now. I just don't want to have problems sleeping, but I definitely plan to stop that once I am healed from my next surgery.
Barb--what a cutie--that's gotta make you smile. I know it did me.
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Kate: How wonderful to have designed your own house! I am officialy jealous now. I don't think we would ever move to Arizona, though my husband was talking about Austin, TX for awhile. He wants to move somewhere where buying a house is actually an option and I don't have to work if I don't want to. It's too crowded, too expensive and just too crazy here. He is now talking about Berlin, where it's artsy, inexpensive and in Germany property is very reasonable. I guess we will see where we are at next year. Maybe we will do a swap so we can check out a few different areas to live. It's insane how high our rent is for just a large one bedroom and we have two home based businesses. We would have to pay more then $2000 a month for an apartment that is smaller but has an extra room or $3000 if we want a yard. Crazy prices!
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rowan- Every one in awhile I try going off my anti-depressants. Guess I keep hoping I'm "cured"- lol! Within about 3 months, though, I know I need to be back on. I'm depressed when I'm off them and creativity starved when I'm on them. I did find that Wellbutrin doesn't seem to have the low libido SE, though. Of course now the lack of estrogen has taken care of that!
MBJ- All the landlords here have started gouging people on rentals, houses and apartments, taking advantage of all the poor people whose homes were foreclosed on. My stepdaughter just had her 1 bedroom apt rent raised by $400 a month. She couldn't afford it and had to move. Ticks me off when people get greedy. I could definitely see you two in Berlin! How exciting that would be! My DH and I dream of living in Italy!
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Ohhh i would love to just visit Italy...it's my someday vacation.
Lisa - you artwork is great..do you show it somewhere?? Sell it?
Jen ... the ice cream while delicious NOT a good idea.
My stomach has been KILLING me for two weeks on and off. The thought of ice cold ice cream sounded soothing but I think the chocolate was not a good call. I will call my doc on Monday it feels like it did during chemo like I'm having trouble digesting food...like someone punched me in the gut. UGH
MBJ I am the same way with emotions GOOD or BAD I let 'em all hang out.
Barb - LOVE the pic of your grandson...what a cutie patootie!! I wish I had a little one around me rght now to love on.
Rowan - My Charlie has one blue eye one brown and everyone thinks he is blind...and yes it can make him a little scary looking..but like you I love it! Its actually one of the reasons I chose him out of the litter...that and his big round belly. 3 miles must be the magic number for Aussies. Charlie and I do three miles everyday as well. In this heat he is done after three loops...which is fine by me!
OK So My friend invited me to her bf's 40th bday party set for today...HOWEVER she never gave me the address. When I saw her last night I said text me the address so i have it on my phone and can navigate. She said ok I will send...well the party started at 2pm and I've been here all day..not a text or phone call..NOTHING..I hate people sometimes. I mean she was begging me to go last night as she can't stand his family. I thought ok ..I can talk to a wall...so his parents shouldn't be an issue. Oh well, bet she doesn't forget to call me tomorrow when she needs help re-painting her new house.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far..
Diane
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DiDel: That's unforgiveable! I would be pretty angry about being treated so casually. Sorry you are also having stomach problems, too. Those are the worse!
Kate: They couldn't get away with that here because of rent control. We actually are very lucky and have what is considered a huge place for cheap (in Los Angeles) and they never raise the rent--too many empty apartments here and too hard to find good tenants. We could buy two houses for the amount of rent we pay here just about anywhere else. Italy is my favorite place: great food, great people, great weather--Germany and France are less expensive though. We love London, too, but that is crazy expensive!
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You guys have been busy hard to catch up... Love the beartiful picture of the sweet hubbie and too cute for words grandson!
The artwork is just beautiful!!! Wow!
Kate watch out or we all may truely descend! That is fabulous the meds are working so well for your husband, that is just amazing, hope it continues.
Been cleaning ALL day and got the downstairs done and I'm totally work out. They had to regrout my fireplace and a light film of white dust was ... well everywhere... worn out!
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DiDel- I think your stomach ache is from stress caused by sitting around all day waiting for some dumb ass, I mean your friend, to call. How flippin' rude! I swear the vast majority of people these days have lost all social skills. I think the cure for your tummy aches, and anything else, is a trip to Italy!
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Yes she was rude...I am so pathetic I called my cellphone from my home phone like my phone might not be working...Not one single phone call or text all day.
Im heading to bed...it's been a long day of nothing and I have to get up bright and early to prepare to watch the Closing Arguments for Casey Anthony trial..I've been addicted to this trial.
Good night all!
Diane
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barbe- I tried doing the right click on a Facebook photo but it doesn't work. I'm on a Mac. Not sure if that makes a difference or not.0
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well, you guys been busy!hard to catch up!!! iambubbies.. im still laughing at the " im the child of EEyore and Schleprock.. i think we;re long lost sisters... i;m glad my "better off dead" comment started this discussion, but in oour house, thats' the other option, being better than suicide..as in, it wasn't so bad today, it was just a better of dead day... I sure understand those days, where ya just curl up; and cover your head... i do that literally..my DH knows its' really bad then...something about noot letting anyone SEE me...
DiDel: i just lost my sister not long ago... she was so sick, and i was also too sick to travel to see her. she ended up giving me such love over the phone, and in cards.. i have every one she sent me. i threw all my PINK gifts away after chemo, except the pink blanket she sent me to do in the chemo suite... now, on bad days, thats' the one i wrap over my head... i know she sees, and understands, and it comforts me soooo much...
@Lisa.. the sculpture/ art work/ quilting is wonderul..
my hands are a mess right now, i have MS which bothers them, and have neuropathy/le in the dominant hand, so not much i can do right now. typing 's a challenge. i have a few "how to paint" projects to start, when my hands calm down...
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i also, wanted to weigh in on the "suicide " comments. my youngest son has tried to commit suicide for real 2x's so, i know the fear, and sadness is excruitating. both times we were able to "save" him... right now, he's distanced himself from us, for his own mental health.. he can't face his fear of losing me, permanenently.. it breaks my heart; but i have to support his choices to keep his mental health safe. so, every once in awhile i'll text him, he'll answer. never speak directly, though... not yet... i pray for him everday, and hope time will bring him around. He's close to his older brother, so i get reg. reports, though.... thanks for all the friendship, ladies.....3jays. by the way.. i love "jaybird" Stanzie....
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Kate, however you would "copy and paste" on a Mac then. That's what the right clicking is.....
I have attempted suicide twice. Once with a bottle of aspirin (doi!) which caused my hearing loss, and once with every pill I could find. I woke up in ICU at that point with my family gathered around me. My brother, who had to fly in from Vancouver leaned over and said 'Thanks Bub, now I have to pay full fare!'
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This thread gets busy ! I'm too overwhelmed to comment individually on stuff, but I just wanted to send out a BIG HUG to everyone ! Depression sucks ! And then you add breast cancer -- or any other health issues -- to the mix and it becomes so challenging to claw your way out of it !
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