Great saying about depression
Comments
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Barbe: I attempted suicide twice as a teenager--glad we are both still hear to tell the tale!
DiDel: I agree with Kate-your "friend" sucks! Time to find better friends.
Kate: That is such incredibly good news about your DH-I am so glad it's working!!!
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3jaysmom- Thanks for sharing the Photo Bucket instructions. Just wanted to share a photo of my "fur children" Piper and Scout. They are one of the ways I keep my depression at bay.
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Kate,
Your 'fur' children are so cute! I would like to get a friend for my girl, Jaki, but she is so possessive of me I can't see her allowing me to give a puppy attention. Even now when my 17 yo sold goes to give me a hug she jumps up and tries to come between us, so we just include her.
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OMG I love the little button eyes! So sweet
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justagirl- I was lucky! I got them both at the same time. (They're sisters from the same litter.) My DH and I couldn't agree on which one to bring home so we got them both. Piper is a lover of both but Scout is definitely my dog. Very possessive, as well, so I understand!
DiDel- Looks can be deceiving! LOL!
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What cutie pies, Kate! They look very sweet.
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I found this article from the NY Times back in 2009. It is written by a man who had prostrate cancer. I found it interesting because he's describing his feelings of depression after treatment and it is very similar to what a lot of us have posted here-
September 29, 2009, 10:40 AM
After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression
I’m depressed.
I’m recovering well from an aggressive case of prostate cancer, I haven’t had any treatment in months, and all of my physical signposts of health are pointing in the right direction.
Still, I’m depressed.
And I’ve been ambushed by it. After more than a year of diagnosis, treatment and waiting, it’s almost as if, finally and unexpectedly, my psyche heaved a sigh and gave itself permission to implode.
I’m not alone in this cancer-caused depression. As many as 25 percent of cancer patients develop depression, according to the American Cancer Society. That’s contrasted with about 7 percent of the general population.
This isn’t about sadness or melancholy. It’s more profound than that. Broadly, I have a keen sense of being oppressed, as if I were trapped, wrapped up in some thick fog coming in off the North Atlantic.
To be more specific, I’m exhausted, unfocused and tap my left foot a lot in agitation. I don’t much want to go anywhere — especially anyplace that’s crowded — and some days I can’t even bear the thought of picking up the phone or changing a light bulb. All of this is often topped off by an aspirin-proof headache.
The fatigue frustrates me most. When I envision myself it’s as a body in motion, walking or running, not foundering in bed. On one recent day, I slept till 10 in the morning — getting 11 hours of sleep — then took a nap from noon to 2. And I was still tired.
I’ve had occasional depression over the years, but nothing as dogged as this. When I first learned that I had prostate cancer, I wondered about depression. But after the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I was sharp and clear-headed. I wasn’t depressed as I went through treatment — surgery, radiation and hormone therapy. I was buoyed by a kind of illness-induced adrenaline.
The bone-smoldering fatigue arrived in late spring/early summer, and intensified as summer deepened. I thought that I might be depressed, but resisted the diagnosis, didn’t want to countenance the idea that I could be depressed after all of my treatment.
I stubbornly chalked the fatigue up to the lingering aftereffects of radiation and my fluctuating levels of testosterone. But I was wrong.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in cancer patients, and have started a course of medication. My doctor assures me that depression isn’t unusual among those who are on the far side of treatment.
Partly, I think, I’m grieving for the person I was before I learned I had cancer. Mortality is no longer abstract, and a certain innocence has been lost.
And while the physical trauma is past, the stress lingers and brings with it days washed in fine shades of gray. In the same way that radiation has a half-life, stress does, too. We all ache to be the heroes of our own tales, right? Well, I’m not feeling too heroic these days.
Cancer pushes lots of difficult buttons. It lays bare our basic vulnerability and underlines the uncertainty of this life. And prostate cancer attacks our culture’s ideal of manhood. The steely-eyed Marlboro Man isn’t expected to worry about incontinence and erectile dysfunction.
Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there’s a good chance that I’m cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp.
It’s harder to write about the weight of depression than it is to write about prostate cancer and its physical indignities. Cancer is clear biological bad luck. But depression, no matter how much we know about it, makes part of me feel as if it’s somehow my fault, that I’m guilty of something that I can’t quite articulate.
This has also been a difficult post to write because during my dark waltz with cancer I’ve depended on my natural optimism and my sense of humor to help see me through. But depression blunts those traits.
In the end, though, I believe in and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other. And I wouldn’t be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I’m depressed … even as I wait for a brisk wind billowing out of the north that’ll blow this fog of mine away.
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Kate -- what a powerful essay ! Thank you for sharing that. I really relate to his comment of feeling guilty about being depressed.
P.S. Your doggies are soooo cute !
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kate: your furbabies are wonderful..they look like they can whip up a heap of fun, in a minute!!glad you got the picture up.. now, we expect MORE!!!! 3jays
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Sweet doggies Kate! I'm down to one cat....from 4!!!
MBJ, my first attempt was in highschool, the second one was in my late 30's.
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Those of you who have made attempts on your life...I am so glad you are still with us ! Keep fighting !
3jaysmom - I'm so sorry about your son...I hope he is able to find his way out of the "dark place"...and that your relationship can become more normal some day.
I wish I had a magic wand and could just wipe away all the pain and suffering, mental and physical.
Sending more hugs !0 -
Thank you Jen, what you said meant a lot...even all these years later.
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3jays--my heart goes out to you, there's nothing worse than a real worry about our kids. My grandmother always said, "when they're young they step on your toes, when they're older, they steip on your heart." so true in so many ways.
kate thanks for sharing doggie pictures and the essay--definitely on target.
MBJ I envy you having a DH's willingness to relocate. I really don't like sw ohio but hubby is content here, but maybe when he retires, he might feel differently.
Didel --what a feeling of abandonment that must give you with your friend not even calling back. I have a friend who I really do like and enjoy being around, but i also know that she is not always reliable, so I steel myself for a sudden "change in plans" with anything we plan on. She's just really flippy sometimes.... ((((hugs)))) about losing your sister. don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now...grief hurts, but time and finding love from others helps me get through sad memories and wishes
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Kate: Your fur babies are adorable! Which one is Scout? The one on the left looks like pure mischief in the making! Also, thank you for sharing that essay-kind of sums up where I am at right now. Haven't really posted much because I am in quite a funk and having a time of it digging myself out. Nine years ago today I met my husband and I feel so lucky to have him in my life!
Happy 4th of July everyone!
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Kate, your pups are so gorgeous!
I'm a little bit doped up on norco today because of a migraine that started yesterday.Thinking of all of you. I have never attempted suicide and I'm so glad that those of you who have, are still here. Sometimes I feel very unimportant. But you know, we all impact the world profoundly, especially when we try to give of ourselves. My prayer is that I and all of us here would understand that they are so important in this world. We don't need to know exactly how. But as a first point, you are here, writing on this board, and encouraging me!
Hugs all, will write more later.
Bubbies
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Hi All! Hope you had a good Holiday weekend. Still haven't heard from my friend...now I feel a little worried. I will give her one more day then I will let her have it....
Kate nice little article..
Diane
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DiDel: You know, I have friends I can rely on and then I have my part time flaky friends that are fine on occassion but I don't put much into their promises-keeps me from getting hurt. If it's any consolation, we are staying in this weekend because I haven't been feeling so hot. My DH hates crowds so he is cooking and we are probably just going to watch a movie and maybe have our own fireworks, if I'm feeling any better, lol! Happy 4th of July!
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MBJ- Scout is the serious one on the right. (I think she is an old soul.)
I can relate to your funk as I've been in one myself. In the essay I posted he said during treatment he was "buoyed by illness induced adrenaline". I think that is what I was experiencing as I was preparing for and going through my revision. Now that I'm once again "done" it was surprising to see the depression returning. I know part of it is going back to the job hunt. That's depressing in and of itself. But I could also relate to his quote that "he was grieving for the person he was before cancer". As much as the revision made my recon look and feel better it is still recon.
DiDel- I'm sorry about your friend. On one hand I hope she's o.k. for your sake. On the other she better had a damn good excuse for treating you that way.
barbe- With all your medical issues I can see why it would get completely overwhelming to keep going on. Like others have said, I'm glad you are still here. You touch so many lives on BCO alone. You just never really know how your life can positively impact others.
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Kate: I have found that surgery and general anesthesia really put me in a tailspin, too. Being that you just had surgery and the stress of what you are going through with your family, it's only natural to be depressed and looking for a job--yuck! Top of my list of things I really hate doing. I would try networking and seeing where your experience can cross over. Do something you really love, no matter the money at first. I have done this a few times now and it always seems to pay off because I love it! Hugs!!!
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Here's a quote I just found that I like...and seems fitting for this thread:
"Have you ever stopped to wonder what it is that keeps you going from one day to another? What lies behind your ability to fight your way through periods of discouragement or depression? What makes you believe that sooner or later bad times will get better? It's a little four-letter word that has enormous power in it. Power to bring failures back to success. Power to bring the sick back to health. Power to bring the weak back to strength. It's hope." - Norman Vincent Peale
Here's to hope, ladies !!
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Sitting in my office chair, rocking back and forth. nausea returned after breakfast. I am anxious about upcoming exchange surgery. don't want any more pain. everyone says I should be doing the happy dance since it is so close, but i'm not feelin' it. I am going to go out and plant some sunflowers my daughter started when she was here--it would be nice to not have the deer eat them, as they do most everything else around here, but like Jen42 said, "hope!" Plus I have faithful Dixie with me--course she will sit in the shade while I sweat, but usually exercise and being outside makes me feel better. I am having dinner with some girlfriends tonight, that's something to look forward to...just checkin' in. Hope (there's that word again
everyone is doing well, or what we consider "well" for this time in our lives.0 -
It is when you lose 'hope' and/or 'joy' that you start to take the pills. I try to have at least one of those emotions with me at all times. Luckily for me after diagnosis, both my kids got engaged and then had destination weddings. Then 3 grandsons.....now what? I am off on STD with only the prospect of returning to a job I loved, but a situation that was killing me financially (isolated location).
My therapist has told me to get career counselling so I'm going to do that. Maybe I'll know what I want to be when I grow up!!!!
I read yesterday that you don't quit a company, you quit a boss. That is so true!!! I had 3 strong financially beneficial years with this company until a year ago when a new boss moved me out of the head office and to a satellite location. Of course I'm dying financially!!!
I don't know if I have the energy to start again. Yet again......sigh.
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I like the idea of keeping those two emotions with you at all times--nice mental trick.
I too quit a boss and am looking for work (or will be, more like it) but I am also taking care of my parents ... They moved across the street from us this year to a one floor house and we t hought it was going to be so much easier. then, bam! a month later bc hit and you all know the rest. my dad just called he wants me to check on my mom because she's a little nutty this morning. He does a really good job managing things but he needs a break too, so I am going to check on her. btw--my dad is a recoving alcoholic and on his way to an AA meeting. I'm not worried about him going back to drinking, but caretakers need a break and that is his main source of getting out.
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barbe: I quit my boss too and it's the best thing I have ever done! No rush to get back out there-take some time to heal and get back to yourself! Hugs!
rowan: My exchange surgery was so much easier then the MX. I only had one side done and the other augmented to match and it wasn't until I had the nipple/areola done that I felt close to "normal" again. I hated the TE and it was nice to have something soft intead of rock hard on my chest, plus I had only one side with a TE so I looked like I had an alien growth on my chest-yuck! I really hope you do okay with your surgery and that you are happy with the results. If you have nausea after surgery (I did) tell them so they can adjust your meds. Hugs!
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rowan- Even though exchange surgery is a good thing a lot of us had a lot of anxiety with it. Like you said, you don't want any more pain. It's probably been months since MX/TE placement and you start feeling pretty good physically, although a little uncomfortable with the TE's. It's hard to think of another surgery. It felt for me like a giant step backwards. And there's a lot riding on this surgery. This is the one that's supposed to make everything "normal" (as normal as it can be, anyway) and when you're officially "done". So there's a lot of pressure for things to be right. But like MBJ said, this surgery is much easier. It's shorter so less anesthesia and it's after effects and most women are feeling pretty good about 2 weeks out. And you will be amazed how good you feel without the heavy weight of the TE's. Do you post on the thread "Exchange City"? The women on here (I think MBJ is one of them) are great in letting you know what to expect afterwards. (((hugs)))
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I hate work-related angst. If you're looking for work, that's incredibly stressful. If you hate your job, that's horrible because we spend so much time at our jobs.
I like my job OK, but my co-workers can create a toxic environment. Which can make me dread going back after I'm recovered. I'm a Fed Ex courier, so luckily only spend about an hour in AM and an hour in PM with co-workers. I am so thin-skinned, though, I just absorb people's emotions I think. Ugh. Anyway, while I am off on disability, I am reading self-help books to try to get my mind in a place that when I go back to work I am better equipped to deal with the crap.
Reading all your posts just makes my Plato quote seem more and more apt. Here on these boards we are all united by breast cancer diagnosis...and then the more posts you read, you see what others are dealing with on top of the cancer stuff. Life is hard ! (sigh)
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So I saw a job posted today that doesn't really appeal to me but the benefits would be great. I know I should apply but I just can't seem to get my fingers to hit "Send". It's hard because I've always had the luxury of only doing jobs that were interesting and a little out of the norm. I worked a "cubicle" job one time in my life, lasted about 2 weeks, and while I was there felt like my soul was being sucked out of my chest. (OK, maybe being a wee bit dramatic but it was bad.) My DH is still on full pay right now but will go on full disability in a few months and his pay will drop quite a bit. Part of me says I'm being a bit of a princess in not wanting to take this job. The other part of me knows I would dread every day I had to go to work. So, suck it up or keep looking?
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P.S. I can't relate to the TE's and exchange surgery cuz I was lucky to be a candidate for one-step reconstruction. But I can relate to feeling like you just got back to feeling OK, and then you get knocked down again. In past year, my gallbladder stopped functioning and had to be removed (5 weeks off work), then I injured my back (10-week recovery to get back to my physical job), and four months later I got the BC diagnosis. On top of all the other emotions with BC, I was incredibly frustrated that I kept having to "start over" with my physical conditioning and just "feeling good" again.
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Kate: I don't care how great the benefits are, if you hate the job it isn't worth it. However, you never know what an environment is going to be like until you check it out! You can always say no, you can always get an interview and decide then, you can always take the job and then quit. I agree, cubicle jobs suck the life out of me, too. Only did that in my earlier life and the thought of doing it again kills me. So, yes I agree with you but then again, you never know until you try!
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Kate -- I so know how you're feeling about this ! I hate cubicle life ! After college, I worked numerous office jobs all thru my 20s, cuz I thought that's what I HAD to do. Hated it so much...would leave each job in less than 2 years, but just end up in another damn cubicle. Finally I said "screw it" and went for a dream of mine since I was a little girl: to work with horses (in spite of my limited experience). I answered an ad for a "horse groom" in a fancy show barn in the next town over...took a huge cut in pay...I worked 6 days a week with only Mondays off...but I loved it ! it did not feel like work at all ! I stayed there nearly 3 years... and would have stayed longer but we just couldn't afford my crappy pay any longer...it was putting us in debt. So, then, having a taste for "out of the norm" jobs, I temped for awhile to pay bills...then worked the front office of a vet...then started my own pet-sitting business...THAT got crazy, I was working 7 days a week and would have needed to hire a partner, but then we relocated to the Sierra Foothills...and I got the job with Fed Ex, which suites my needs to NOT BE STUCK IN AN OFFICE, yet pays good, has great benefits, and I think the physical nature of the job will keep me healthy, fit, and strong into my old age. There are days when the job sucks (non-stop rain, snow days, CHRISTMAS, 100 degree days in summer) but overall it has been the best fit for me. Oh, and I don't mean this to sound like you should go try to get a job with Fed Ex.
Just wanted to share my long journey of trying to find a job that fit ME (and paid decently). I've been with them 10 years now...a personal record for staying at one job !!I don't think you're being a princess. I think you are trying to be true to yourself. And I also think that when a person suffers from depression...what you end up doing for your job can really affect that...that's been my experience, anyway...
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