Great saying about depression
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One more d
aylight pic so you can see the stage...it was amazing.0 -
Didel: I saw U2 about 20 years ago and it was quite an amazing experience then. How great for you!!! Thank you for sharing this.
Barbe: I really hate the waiting game.
Even though I started a different thread regarding Low Body Temp Anyone?, I thought that I would share this informative link regarding the same thing: http://hansacenter.com/pdfs/Cancer_and_Low_Body_Temperature_01-10-2010.pdf
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Barb - what is CO2? sorry if it is something I should recognize. So sorry you are having to wait and worry... that is so hard. Wish there was some way for them to really understand how scary is it for anyone who has already heard the cancer diagnosis. Hope things are alright!
MBJ -- well still trying to figure stuff out... thanks for all your help.
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Oh and I agree - I was thinking Kate had to be a gormet cook! LOL!
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Stanzie- I told you I was going to take a break from BCO this weekend and here I am! Oh well, I made it until 8:40 p.m. Sunday night!
As far as my cooking abilities.....I have none! (Stanzie- Are you rethinking me coming to Miami? LOL!) None of the women can cook in my family so we all married men who can! Now that my DH is home all the time I get a home cooked meal every night! Sweeeeettttt!!
My DS is off to camp for a week. It feels so strange not to have him here and I'm a wreck. This is the longest he has been away from home without one of us with him and he wasn't allowed to take his cell. I'm sure he's having a great time, though.
DiDel- Jealous!!! The concert looks like an amazing time! I've kind of been a lurker here and there too. I find myself reading some of the active threads but not having anything to add. I wonder what the percentage is of members who continue to post after treatment? I just can't imagine not having you guys!
barbe- I think from now on every time we wait for test results it's going to be nerve wracking- no matter what they are! Hope it's all good!
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Kate I can't believe you can't cook! You look like a domestic goddess...uhh go figure. Concert was awesome...if you ever have the chance to see them..do it at any cost! Actually if you join their fanclub you get emails about presale..that's how I got such good seats. I stalked the fanclub page until I got my email giving me presale group A (there were 3 days of presale..ugh) My tickets were the 2nd most expensive $115 not too bad. It's funny cause my cousins in France love them and saw them summer 2009 so it's amazing to see a band with that international appeal.
I know what you mean about needed everyone here...I'm not going anywhere. There was a lot of drama this weekend on the boards so that kept me entertained. I was afraid to post for a while there cause so many people were getting reported. I maybe being stalked so I won't say any more..LOL..
Good night ladies, have a good Monday.
Di
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Hmm, if everyone thinks I'm so domestic I obviously need a more exciting profile pic! LOL! No, actually I am definitely a domestic goddess in every area except cooking! Cleaning, organizing, home decorating, gardening, etc. But I've just never been that excited about food. Give me a bowl of cereal for dinner and I'm happy. (But if someone else wants to cook me a pot roast I'm even happier!) Now my DH is teaching my DS to cook. He's got about 5 different meals down pat. So he's my relief chef if my DH isn't around. Am I a lucky girl or what?!
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My ex was a fabulous gormet cook and I do miss that part. However I used to cook long ago so since my divorce have gotten back into it. I enjoy it now more that my kids, mainly my son who loves to eat, actually likes real food. Kate that is just hilarious - well I'd say even if you find things you can cook I'd stay very quiet about it as you have got a good thing going with two guys feeding you wonderful foods!
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Sorry everyone-I was having a rough day yesterday. Barbe, I really hope that everything is okay and that they don't have you waiting much longer. I agree with Stanzie: don't they know how difficult waiting is for BC patients? My BS is really good about letting me know what's going on right away. Speaking of tests, my US which was scheduled for tomorrow just got postponed until August. Not that I am worried or anything but I just wanted to get it over with. I have a re-check with my PS on July 15 to find out if he will do more fat grafting--going to ask about the micro fat grafting.
Kate: You so had us all fooled into thinking you were this gourmet cook and here your two men are the ones treating you like the goddess that you are!!! My DH is also a fabulous cook--he is better at making things look good, too. Me, I am kind of hit and miss-sometimes my cooking is amazing and sometimes not so much.
Didel: Wow, I just skimmed the threads over the weekend and didn't realize I missed some more drama!!!
I don't know what I would do without all of you amazing women in my life. I feel closer to the women on these boards then anyone of my girlfriends--It's just difficult to share what we've been through because you can't possibly know unless you've been there!
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Hi, I'm new on this thread. I have read it all the way thru. Kept wanting to post but then start to feel like :
1) I'm intruding on a group that's already formed and knows so much about each other
2) because I "only" had a BMX and no other treatments, I shouldn't feel depressed. Others have it so much worse than me.
But ...here I go...I was dealing with anxiety, depression, and insomnia BEFORE my BC diagnosis...had been on anti-depressants, which stopped working...started tapering off them and working with a naturopathic doctor to balance my hormones, eat better, etc....and then got BC. I went into research mode and decision-making mode and all that to figure out what I was going to do with my diagnosis...I was upset, of course, had all kinds of emotions, but that's to be expected anytime you hear the word "cancer"...had BMX on May 27...and now that I am into the "discomfort" phase rather than the "all-out pain" phase, but am still somewhat limited with my mobility, I don't know, I just feel sad and frustrated and definitely depressed. And like nobody understands. The average person seems to think: "you got the cancer removed, you don't have to have any other treatments, everything should be fine now, you should be happy." But I feel like I'm still adjusting to the fact that I had both my breasts removed ! Am I wrong for thinking that's a big deal ?!?! I'm going to a support group meeting tonight, so that should help. And I made an appt with a therapist for Friday morning. So I'm taking the steps to help myself...but feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails ! I hate depression -- I feel guilty feeling so negative when I have so much to be grateful for !
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Jen, as you would know by reading, I "only" had a double mast too! Some women on the forum do seem to think that we got off easy!! They have kept their breasts, so did the chemo and rads route, so they feel they've experienced cancer 'more' than those of us who 'just' had our breasts taken off!!!! I know I didn't take time to grieve properly 2 1/2 years ago, and it's caught up with me now and I'm on short term disabilty....sigh. Stress related, of course.
CO2 is carbon dioxide. An overload is what scuba divers get. A hyberbaric chamber or O2 is the treatment!!! I just called the docs office and the nurse said he's 'off for a couple of days'. I think he's stressed out too. She did say that she left the paperwork on his desk. I stressed to her that my onc wanted them hand-delivered so he'd look at them!!! She said she'll ask him next time she talks to him.....
Why would they test for CO2???
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Jen: This is not a closed group just women like yourself struggling with moving on. I also worked with an integrative dr. a few months before finding out the reason I felt so awful was because I had BC. Did you say just had your breasts removed? That's enough to send each and every one of us over the edge--everything else is just the bitter icing on the cake: chemo, rads, etc. I am glad you are seeking help!
Barbe: Maybe they are seeing if your body is oxygenating properly? Not really sure.
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Barbe: I think a BC diagnosis is just as terrible no matter what procedure/treatment we had. It's devastating in so many ways.
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MBJ... i get it from another angle... i had a BMX: (thats enuff trauma) and then i had chemo, and almost died from an sllergic reaction... some ple yes, i had the list that goes along with MS bf the MX... losing my breasts was the biggest shocker of it alll!!! chin up, flat chest out... you belong here, and any and all emotions you feel about it are welcome!!! my phones ringing... im out......3jays(here, and in the real world) keep saying how lucky i was... ihad the good cancer, which isn't really cancer at all.....REALLY!!!!!
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Hi Ladies: I just started reading this thread. I am depressed over this aweful disease and am in the throws of treatment - halfway through chemo.
I feel robbed right now, robbed of happiness, my future (live in fear), my health (I have &%$# cancer), my breast (had lump but it doesnt look the same and am contemplating opting for mx shortly as I do not want rads), my pre-bc activity (cording in arm preventing workouts including weight training, bike riding etc, the things I love), my sleep (hot flashes), my skin (drying out like a prune), my hair (shedding endlessly), my body (doesnt feel the same due to battling chemo SEs, then I will be put on tamoxifen more SEs to contend with), my libido (practically non-existent, my hb is patient), friends (Cancer is definitely a closet cleaner - I'm shocked and saddened who hasnt been there), ME (I don't feel or look like me) and the list could go on and on.....
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Will I feel like me again? I want ME back and I feel like the person I was is gone. And in a sense yes, the former me is gone. So much has changed. I have to adapt to this new way of life but it sucks! Does it get better?
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Hi 3jays: Haven't seen you post here before and welcome to our group.
DebRox: Both Didel & I had chemo and an MX and losing our hair and looks was the hardest thing next to losing our breasts. It does get better! I am almost done with recon (just a tattoo and a bit more fat grafting), my hair has grown back, though not as thick as before, I am coaxing my body back to help with lost of supplements and time does help. Hoping a year from now this will all seem like a bad dream.
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To tell the truth, this thread Should be The most popular of all cause of course we are depressed! With what we have been through and continue to go through! Hell yes we are depressed and scared and don't feel normal and all the rest. And I don't think it matters in the slightest what individual choices we have made for our treatments. We all got the diagnosis Breast Cancer! So of course you belong... At the same time, I do know what you mean cause people get talking and get to know one another more so you don't know how to jump in. But I think this whole site should certainly feel welcome to everyone who had to hear those horrible words BC!
Some parts get easier and some parts I'm still hoping will get better with time. But seems like it is a lot of time. But everyone here certainly helps!
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Jen - I have been somewhat of a "lurker" & haven't posted much but this site has helped me tremendously mainly by finding I am not alone in what I'm going through. Cancer is a life-changer & I'm hoping a better me will evolve in the not-too-distant future. I have my ups & downs but just a little bit more drastically than I did before - kinda like going through my teens again.... I do have an excellent support group at home & especially in bc.org!
{{{{gentle hugs}}}}
Martha
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Jen Deb and Martha WELCOME...Post away...rant ..scream..cry..the good thing is we have several time zones covered so someone should be here anytime you need to post.
I told one of my friends..you can NEVER imagine what it is to hear "You have cancer" it is the most overwhelming stressful depressing anixety filled sentence. I have never needed anxiety meds before. You ladies are still so early in your diagnosis and it DEFINITELY gets better. Once your body is healed then you can focus on the emiotional side of things. Granted there are some very hard and lonely days and it has been a struggle findng the time and energy to workout like I used to and get my body back. I know once I get back in physical shape..the rest will fall in place...oh and once my hair is no longer in the shape of a MULLETT.
I agree with MBJ that I am hoping by next year the bad days will be behind me.
Hugs to all that need one...post anytime!
Diane
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Jen42- You're definitely not intruding. I feel bad that we've kind of hijacked this thread and use it for chit chatting sometimes. (Girls, maybe we should have a separate thread for that?) Anyway, I've battled with depression long before BC, too, so I understand how hard it is. But I just read that 75% of women are depressed after their treatment but no one is usually offered any kind of counseling once you're done. During treatment we're too busy dealing with doctor appointments, surgery, recovering from surgery. When it's finally done and we can take a breath....WAM! The emotional crap hits us like a ton of bricks. Unless you've lost your breasts you can't really understand how this affects us as women. I'm glad you found a support group, and a therapist, and we're here anytime you need us. (((hugs)))
DebRox- Usually by the time we're done with treatment we don't even recognize ourselves anymore. Our bodies our different, sometimes our hair, skin...hell, even the relationships around us have changed. (I like what you wrote about BC being a closet cleaner....so true. I've lost a few friends through it all.) I sometimes feel as though I'm Alice fallen down the rabbit hole. But just want to say that, YES, it does get better! I'm about 19 months out from DX and 16 months out from BMX. I'm definitely in a different place than I ever thought I would be. It's not bad, just different, and it feels more normal every day. In the beginning I thought about BC about every 1 1/2 seconds....YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER.....pause.....YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER!!! Then it was minutes and now I'm up to hours. (Looking forward to days and even months but don't think I'll ever get to years.) Most say it takes about 2 years to really feel ready to accept things and move on but it's a gradual thing. At first I was royally pissed off that I had BC and today I can say- It is what it is. I think that's progress! Wishing you the same but in the meantime please come back. We're here to listen anytime. (((hugs)))
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Jen42: Perhaps what you're feeling may also be that the people in your life really do NOT get what you are going through. I've come to realize that for the majority of my friends and family, they don't know what to say, are uncomfortable talking about cancer or fear it for themselves. Others think that because the docs "got it out" that you are now OK — they want/need to believe that. Bottom line: It all adds up to a lack of support even from those closest to us. That's why bc.org is so very important. I don't know what I would have done without it either! It took me a couple months of coming to the various threads and reading and learning andwondering how in the world I would ever connect with people in an online world. But it happens very naturally. Just stick with it, chat on threads that 'speak' to you, and the support is yours for the taking!
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Rennasus- Well Said!
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As women, we react amazingly during a crisis!! We lift the car off the fallen child, run into burning buildings and pull out the family pet, swim across the lake to save a toddler and do it all with lipstick on!! But then.....when it's all over....we cry. We cry out of relief, sadness, fear of what-could-have-been, or, even what-was. We let the adrenaline drain out of our systems, sob and hiccup a couple more times and then it's all over.
With breast cancer it's NEVER over. There is always that sword hanging over us, threatening a recurrence or mets. We can put the lipstick back on, but we are changed. We've seen our own destiny and we can no longer trust our body to take care of us. We have faced our own mortality. Post-tramautic-stress-syndrome is normal, but we save that for the brave soldiers. We are women, we bounce.
Surely 'someone' will come along and take care of us....hold us in their arms and rub our back and tell us everything will be okay.....surely?
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Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone ! It makes me feel better to know other people are dealing with these emotions and thoughts. My family has been really good at the support, so I'm lucky there. It's just some friends and some co-workers that seem to "not get it". I'm not even back at work yet, but run into co-workers in our small town. I am a Fed Ex courier so my job is extremely physical and surgeon wants me to stay out of work for 10 weeks. The plan is to return on Aug. 8. Meanwhile I'm on disability, so I am getting paid. Right now I can't even imagine lifting heavy boxes...or even getting in and out of my truck 50+ times a day. But I think part of my feeling alone is the fact that I'm not having the interaction with people that work gives you. Of course, once I'm back I will probably wish I was still at home ! Fickle !
One of my co-workers is also out on disability, she works for us part-time and runs a large animal rescue at her property. A few weeks ago she was nearly trampled to death by a bull. She is going to be OK but has a long recovery ahead of her, and we have started e-mailing each other. We are recovering from different things but have same issues: "will I be able to do my job when I get back? why do people think if they see me up and about, that means I must not be feeling too bad? I can't believe this happened to me and when am I going to feel better?" She also had this to say: "having lost my husband in a car accident years ago, I experienced that "people don't really know what to say" thing a lot. I've been through grief counseling and it's said over and over: don't try to console those grieving, you cannot bring their loved one back. Just be a good listener. And grief can be death, but just as much it can be divorce, moving, loss of a career, or one's health. We grieve for things we lose and it's as powerful as a loved one dying. The process is profoundly the same."
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Welcome new people!
I've been off the wire for a week or so, but want to let all the newbies know that you have absolutely every right to be depressed. WTF-- we have faced cancer, some of us twice, and we have, for the sake of our health, subjected ourselves to what in my mind feels like mutilation. As one friend said it's like a car wreck with amputations. We should be in shock and pain.
I am three months post BMX and will soon have exchange surgery--but everyday is a struggle, albiet it IS better than Feb and Mar of this year. I have been taking Arimdex now for about two months and think some of the side effects are starting to kick in--fatigue, joint pain. I am taking a valium every night to help me relax and fall asleep but it doesn't do anything for the joint pain.
My onc said it might get better after six months. I hope so!
I am getting good vibes from my the support group I recently joined. I am going to try a guided imagery class this Thursday. I also am thinking that once I can get clearance to be as physically active as I was pre BC I will feel better.
Journaling has also been a big help for me in this journey. I wrote almost everyday in the beginning. Now I do it once or twice a week, but it helps me unload my thoughts and life seems more manageable.
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Well said ladies! Barbe, I just started bawling like a baby reading your post!
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Barbe - I couldn't have said it better myself. You put my feelings into words and I'm speechless. My Stage IV is holding its own just with Herceptin, and I haven't had the heavy chemo yet. People remark on how well I look, but I'm dying inside - literally and figuratively. Thank you so much. Now I don't feel so alone.
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Barb..... the reason you are not writing professionally is? Beautifully said.
Oh amontro! No of course you are not alone!! Not at all! When do you start the heavy chemo? Do you have support around you physically and emotionally - well, we will be here as well. You can count on it!
Jen - yes that is so true. We certainly grieve for so many different things. I do think the ones who actually scare are scred sometimes to really ask. what if we do say no we are terrible. Are they then responsible to help with something as huge as cancer. Well of course the answer is yes they should be our friends and listen and do what they can but if they don't ask well... then everything must be great, right?
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Barbe1858 that is SO true! On my last Onc appt, I felt for the first time since my dx that I might make it 5 years. But it NEVER leaves. And the crippling depression that I have is proof that stares me in the face every day. I can't even talk about it right now....I just want to string cuss-words together in long rants!
My depression has never been under control since my hysterectomy/oopherectomy in july 2007. I'm on meds, see a psych but it's just wearing me down. And the worst is probably that I have really isolated myself so much that I don't see anyone much. We moved 2 years ago and I live in a tiny town.
Anyhow, I guess that's hello. I sure need to be around other people who have gone through what I have.
Nice to meet you, ladies.
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What everyone is saying is right on the money. I told a close friend of mine that in social situations having cancer feels similar to death/grief. When my dad died, no one knew what to say to me; some people avoided me like the plague, while others were enormously caring.
Same is true with cancer. People I never imagined stepped up, but I was dumbfounded by others close to me who have ignored "it" completely.
Hello! Pink elephant in the room!
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