Great saying about depression
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{{{{{amontro }}}} you are never alone here
Barb nicely said....yes you brought tears to my eyes as well. No one will ever EVER understand us like us. I can't imagine where I would be without this group.
Rowan You should try acupunture. I was having HORRIBLE joint pain following chemo and I did 5 rounds of acupuncture..by #3 I would say I was 80% better..by the 4th it was totally gone. Acupuncture also helped me with sleep and night sweats!!
Rennasus I think we have all cleaned house in our lives. I have definitely let go of those who couldnt deal but was pleasantly surprised at those that stepped up. I am single and live alone and had surgery during the worst snow storms we've had in years. I had my neighbors and friends CONSTANTLY shoveling snow... A LOT of snow...one friend cut my 1/2 acre of hilly yard all summer..pulled weeds..many brought me dinner during chemo week..did my laundry (including putting away which i hate for some reason) ..scooped my kitty litter...drove me to the grocery store...and many even sacrificed their weekend for a game night here and there. There were definitely some very good memories made in the midst of all the $hitty ones.
Of course coming here has been the best and most surprising of all. I lurked for months before I finally broke down and started chatting. It feels really good to have people to talk to ..really good
Diane
BTW Stanzie I sent you a friend request ...Kate hooked us up.
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Iambubbies....Sorry I forgot to say WELCOME!! Always nice to expand the group.
Diane
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DiDel--thanks for the acupuncture tip. I'll definitely keep it in minid.
I am getting a massage next week, one day prior to my exchange surgery, and I am hoping for relief then. also, the massage therapist is a BC survivor too, so she might be able tohook me up with acupuncture. I broke down and took a percocet yesterday evening--it was that or cut my elbows off.
BTW--here in Cincy--someone gave a huge donation to Cancer Family Care and massage is now FREE through them and to our caregiver. My daughter benefitted from that when she came from Oregon to take care of me. Just a few months ago I paid half price, which wasn't a bad deal either. I wanted to pass that on, maybe some of you can find a similar benefit in your area.
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Bubbies, I have NO real life friends except you guys!!! Work in retail for 30 years where I never have a weekend off has put a kibosh on networking with women. While they want to go to the stores on the weekend to shop, I'm already there working!!! The best time I had was when I owned my own sewing store and women would gravitate to it at all hours. I loved it when my own employees would come in on their days off! Customers got used to asking them if they were working that day and could they cut their fabric for them? They'd do it either way...hehehehehehe.
Hmmmmm...just picked 'something' off the keyboard and went to eat it, but it wasn't what I expected....so I spit it out. It's on the floor somewhere around here......the cat will find it.
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Barbe: TMI lol!!!
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Barb - you totally remind me of my sister!!!! LOL!!!!! Thanks.
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Wow! So many profound things posted here I want to wrap it all up in a book, tie a pretty ribbon on it and give it to every woman going through BC. It always helps to know you're Normal (whatever the hell that means) and not some crazy person who just can't deal.
barbe- LOVE your description of women (definitely going into the book) especially "we put the lipstick on but we are changed" and how we "bounce". rowan- "car wreck with amputation" is accurate as well.
amontro and lambubbles- So glad you posted! I think it takes a lot of courage to say "I'm not o.k." because I think there's so much pressure on women to sail through this whole BC thing like it's a hangnail or something. So welcome! I know for me BC was very isolating. I had this devastating event and looked around and thought WTH? Where are all my friends? BCO really staved off the loneliness and depression and I'm forever grateful that it was here. I think I would be in an entirely different place right now if I hadn't had the support I got on here and the validation from this thread that my feelings were justified. (((hugs)))
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Stanzie - Thanks, but I don't know when the "heavy chemo" starts. It's like Barb said, it hangs like a sword over my head. I have Stage IV and every onc visit I wait for the markers to show me any changes. I wait every 4 months for the results of my CT Scan to change for the worse. After orver 2 1/2 yrs., and a reconstruction (what a pain that was for more than six monthe), I feel like I'm waiting for my death sentence.
Thank you all for being there for all of us. I'm so glad I found this board.
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Thanks for the welcome, DiDel. I've been terribly isolated and I need to get involved somehow.
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Barbe, you crack me up! That is SO something I would do with unidentified food, only I don't have a cat! I have one very best friend since 7th grade and we have gone through so many health problems. So we get each other. She had a kidney transplant 4 years ago, the year of my Cancer. We do everything together in the same year, BTW, But she lives far and I haven't made any friends in my new community. Acquaintences only. And I miss my grandsons so much that my heart always feels like it's breaking.
There's a catch to saying "I'm not okay". A lot of people listen but never come back. People are not comfortable if you're not positive. I think I lack the positive attitude gene. God bless those who have it! Everyone told me how lucky I was to only have stage 1. great. lucky to have cancer. I felt like I didn't have any right to be angry or grieve. But I live in fear of recurrance the same way every other cancer survivor does.
So, glad that you'll all have me here. I need y'all.
Hugs,
Lisa
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Barb LOL you are so funny...it reminded me of the Will & Grace episode where they rented a car and Grace drank the "random" water that was in the car thinking it was Wills...huuuhhh so funny.I love that you owned a sewing store..are you crafty?? Remember the old days of Home Ec in school where the girls learned to cook and sew and the boys did metal and wood shop...HA HA HA I loved it though...and I know it's why none of my younger friends can cook or repair a zipper.
I am rambling ...I have work to do and don't feel like doing it cause they owe me money and mama is going BROKE. I swear nothing stresses me out more.
Lisa it took me months to start posting...but you will find it definitely fills the void. I can spend hours on here chatting...definitely takes away the isolating feelings i was having.
Amontro I can't believe you haven't done chemo?? What part of the world are you in? I think I'd get another opinion on that ...I would be nervous too.
It's almost the weekend!!
Diane
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hey lafies, i've been in "the dark place" myself lately, but just have been lurking. Depression was a companion Long before the BEAST... she just fed it...
Lisa, welcome to the group we never wanted to be in!im glad you've found validation for your feelings here. thru therapy, im believing there are no /good/bad feelings, just feelings. someone once asked me what happens when your on a roller coaster, and your headed down the first fall? your heart beats, your palms get sweaty, you're like scared to death; then, they asked me how do you feel when a really good looking man kisses you for the first time? (well, that was a while ago, but still) SAME physical response!!!!
so, the body doesn't judge good, or bad, so we don't either. feelings just are. that makes them real, and valuable...IMHO....
i think it was Lisa ; i think I'm missing the positive thinking gene, also, so i have to actively choose everyday; sometimes over and over....
Amanto: i can't believe your in Stage IV and not had any chemo.. all my friends there have had mult. chemo's... maybe your really stable, tumor markers staying the same??? thanks for the laughs, ladies.....3jays
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Lisa (aka iambubbies) - I sent you a PM. I'm in the Sierra Foothills, too, but not sure if we are near each other or not. I mean, they do stretch a long way !
I hear all of you on the feeling isolated. I was having a REALLY hard time with that the last few days. But this site and the women that have contacted me via PM...it has made a huge difference!
Oh, and the being positive thing. Sometimes I just want to punch people in the face, they are so freaking cheerful and nothing seems to get them down. Some days I feel positive but a lot of times I feel negative and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me...complete Debbie Downer or Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh...
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One of my neighbors, who has really been there for me this past year and a half, invited me over for a glass of wine last night. Another neighbor ended up coming over, too, and we just sat around and had girl talk. God, I forgot how good that felt! I remember as a kid my mom and her friends sitting around on the porch and just talking. It just seems women don't do that anymore. Why is that? Are our lives that busy? I don't know but it sure felt good to talk, laugh, have the occasional man bash and just hang out.
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Hi Kate...I figured I don't have a lot of women friends because I don't have kids...but maybe just everyone in general just keeps to themselves more these days? Anyway, I'm glad you had a nice time just hanging out with your neighbors, enjoying some wine and laughter...
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Kate sounds like a very nice night..yes I used to do that a lot with my friends...I think I got cancer at a bad time...since the economy tanked its like everyone is just too busy working to spend time together. One of my friends just bought her post divorce house (settles tomorrow) so we are getting together and drinking my new fave...Skinny Girl Margaritas!! I am excited to sit on her deck and have a cocktail She also has a fenced in back yard for my puppy that i feel quilty about leaving home alone. I swear its a good thing I didnt have kids...I'd be that crazy mom that cant ever let go.
Anyhow, off to bed...I have a funeral in the morning...second one this week!! One was co-worker 50 years old diagnosed with esophogeal cancer 7 months ago...sad the other was my friends dad 90 years old died of natural causes...we should all be so lucky.
Good night all!!
Diane
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Most of the fun that I have had was in college (I'm an older student!) In my ceramics classes, it is so good to talk. There is an equalizer there where age doesn't matter when you get the right mix of people in the class. It is good though, to sit and just chat with a girlfriend. My best friend and I do that (she lives 2 1/2 hrs from me) but I swear, we literally almost died laughing last time she was here! I'm NOT kidding. We think we had a mental breakdown but it came out in laughter.
I was on this board for a little while but I was going through a time where I didn't want to think about anything cancer related. I was sure that I would have a recurrance in my fifth year. So I guess I'm not out of the woods yet as far as 5 years goes but I don't care so much anymore.
I really just wish my quality of life was better. I feel like everything was taken from me after cancer. Peace of mind, happiness, sex drive, creativity. I have been in some very very dark places over the past couple of years.
Have any of you ever gone through a period where you didn't want to wake up the next day? Don't want to kill myself but don't want to deal with the pain every-single-friggin-day??
I guess it's time for me to go to bed.
Talk to you all tomorrow. Thank you for the welcome.
Hugs,
Lisa
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hey Lisa....at our house those days are called the "better off dead" days. don't want to kill yourself but.....etc. hang in there. it gets different....3jays
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i find myself so isolated, im not even driving right now, so truly housebound. and all my friends burned out on my health issues a long time ago..
I absolutely love the ladies on this forum; but i would give some part of my anatomy (whatevers left and working) to have an honest to goodness, in the flesh girlfriend to talk to some days!!!.............3jays
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Diane - I feel the same as you...if I had kids, I would have been the neurotic mom who worried about everything and couldn't let go...
Lisa - oh yes, the feeling of "what is the point ? why drag myself thru another day? " I don't have all the health issues that you do, and still depression can just come over me and try to drag me into it's dark hole. I went thru a bad few days recently but, for me, I'm thinking some of it was hormonal cuz now I'm feeling a bit better, more hopeful, etc.
Oh my gosh...and that makes me think of something. My husband came home from work the other night and said that a co-worker's 20 year-old-son killed himself. He doesn't know the details as far as what the kid was going thru to make him take that awful, final, action but he has left family / friends devastated, as you can imagine. So sometimes when you find yourself in such a dark place that you think "I would be better off dead", think about the people who love and care for you and would have to somehow go on in THEIR lives, completely devastated. I read somewhere that suicide is a "long term solution to a short term problem" or like "walking out in the middle of a movie at the theater because you didn't like one scene." By walking out, you have no idea how it may ultimately have turned out--maybe it would have worked out for the best but now you'll never know. And the repercussions for family / friends go on and on, maybe setting them up for a lifetime of emotional pain.
Whew. Sorry to get all heavy, but the news is still fresh in my mind and it makes me so sad. My husband's work is doing a collection for the family because they can't afford the funeral. It is all just so very awful.
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"They" do say...suicide is the ultimate selfish act.....
Lisa, here's some news. You are ER+, that means your cancer is slow growing (like mine). We have to start worrying AFTER the 5 year mark. ER- worry until they hit 5 years as their's is a faster growing cancer and will recur sooner if it is going to. Welcome to my world.
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Hi ladies - I didn't know where to ask this but I'm in my last 2 weeks of radiation at the moment and the tiredness and weird dreams have hit... I have a weird question... does anyone else obcess over there other breast?.. I feel like soon as I finish rads..something is going to happen and the cancer is going to be in the other breast... I can't seem to let it go...
Barbe: from what you just said, I shouldn't have to worry at this point in the game? Just feel really down today. I read earlier in your posts about working in retail and cutting fabric.. I work at JoAnns fabric (or trying to - just 10 hours a week right now)..Where do/did you work?
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Esther, I had my own quilt store!! I got into it and decided the job for me was to be able to putz around all day and make money so I opened a store, was able to get all my stuff wholesale and had a blast for 5 years!! But, because I didn't open it for business reasons, it wasn't really viable, so I cut my losses (not too bad) and shut it down. It carried my hobby for a long time!
Yep, being ER+ means you can take a deep breath for 4 1/2 years!!
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Hi everybody,
Whew! I can't keep up with all the new people, but that's a good thing. About the girl talk--I know exactly what you mean, I miss it, too. I have a few good friends, but we see each other maybe a couple times a month. I think one reason I really like my bc support group is because it feels like a girl group. I am still getting to know the women, but I plan to stick with it. tonight I am trying a guided imagery class to see if it helps with my anxiety (which leads to depression) and joint pain.
About suicide, my brother and nephew killed themselves. I know some people want to blame the deceased but over time and with my own struggles with depression, I know why people do it. Mental illness is real. I mean we don't blame people if they die of a heart attack. and the whole idea that those people are going to hell really gets me going.
anyone of you having suicidal thoughts--that's a red flag--please don't ignore it. Put on your boxing gloves and use whatever resources you have to talk to someone, take your medicine, make a bucket list and do the things you write down. Also helping others can really be a mood lifter because it gets us out of ourselves--maybe volunteering somewhere that interests you might be a good idea.
3jays--I love birds, too. just a suggestion--the American Cancer Society will partner you with a phone buddy. I think it's called "Reach for Recovery." But if you just call their general info number I think they will take it from there. A woman in my area called me and we chatted. It wasn't a great fit because she did not have reconstruction and I was really struggling then with the pain after BMX with immediate reconstruction. But it was a start. She also has had it reoccur like me so we had that in common and she was 20 years my senior.
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Oh rowan - I'm so sorry for your losses. yes, I totally also agree mental illness is very very real and very scary and sad for all involved. I'm sorry.
My grandfather killed himself but I do understand it. He had lost his beloved wife about 4 years before and since then had been fighting throat cancer. Back then they didn't know what to do for a person so they just kept removing anything with cancer. Apparently it was horrendous. My Mom was divorced with a very young child and her other siblings grown with children of their own. I'm sure he felt he was a terrible burden. By the time he had lost 1/2 of his face and had come back from surgery - they told him if it started bleeding or some occurance it would mean they didn't get it all. Well it happend so he sent my mom off to the store and killed himself. It amazes me how many families are touched by suicides. It also scares me how a lot of the younger generations don't really seem to get it. With all the violence they see and deal with life and death aren't as final to them if that makes sense.
Jaybird - I'm sorry. I know you really could use and honest to goodness real live in person friend - you too Barb. I have lost some close ones but do still have some good friends however I can easily see how that can happen and need to work to not let it happen but I can so see how all the medical stuff just takes over your life and before you know it you are isolated.
This is off on another subject and some of you know I'm trying to figure out what to do. Still have not made up my mind. Would love to do what Kate did however thinking right now is probably not the right time but I hope someday to do that. Well, I did find two doctors who work in the same office as the horrible, mean hateful 1st PS I saw. The one is a female doctor who was the 3rd choice my BS gave me. One of my neighbor's has met her socially and has two friends who have gone to her The other doctor at the same office also does breasts AND he does noses....... so.... hmm? was thinking first if I can get an apt (someone told me some offices don't want you to see other doctors in an office if you have already seen one - but that didn't make much sense to me) Anyway, not sure how I would do it as how do you make an apt to see two doctors. The other doctor is male and I have actually met him. He lives a aways away at a huge farm and I was on the board for a DS disability foundation and he and his wife offered their farm for a benefit Polo tournament for several years. I was involved the first two years and they certainly seemed like lovely people. Another friend whose neighbor had BC went to him 12 years ago and adored him. So sorry so long... but here is my question. If I went for the shorter surgery of just having the Pillows under my arms taken out and injecting fat in to fix some of the breast issues then at the same time I was under could the other doctor be repairing my nose? Or at least back to back surgeries? My old PS said it would be about an hour surgery at the most and the other nose Dr's said it would be about 21/2 hours. Am I crazy? I started thinking about this as this office does accept my insurance.... However I might not like what either one said about fixing the problems but is it worth a try or am I being totally unrealistic. Thanks!!!
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Stanzie: I have heard other women having problems going to the same hospital and changing dr's and if you are already not getting it covered under your insurance there then the likelihood of them not doing anything different/better is high. Do you have other hospital options? I went to three different hospitals to get 3 opnions. I didn't tell them what I wanted done, I wanted to know what they would do in my particular case. IMO: I still think in order to fix your problem fat grafting is like putting a bandaide on a poorly done surgery from what you have described to me in the past.
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Yes this would be at a different hospital. And to tell the truth I think it is something that change with that doctor as my cousin, found her notes and he clearly states why it would be covered... so?
As to putting a band aid on a poorly done surgery - I agree parts are not right at all but I will say unless they are all just lying I have had other doctors all say they are good basically so? Of course with my arms down they would see all the other stuff. so.... ugh! So just angry and depressed to need more surgery just because they were not done correct.
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Oh Stanzie, I am so sorry to hear this and I would be just as depressed if I had to have yet another surgery. I do think once you do get it corrected you will be so much happier, though. Did you ever take some pictures to send to Whippetmom? She is really knowledgeable and she can at least direct you as to what questions/issues should be addressed before your next consult. I think this is really important and she really knows her stuff! Her former field was investigating medical malpractice!
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The power in my house (well, almost the whole city- 80,000) has been out since early this afternoon so now trying to catch up with the thread!
Lisa- I've had those days, too, where everything just seemed like too much of an effort. I remember a friend of mine describing the same feelings. She said she was sitting at an intersection in her car and thinking, "I don't want to die but I wish I'd get in a really bad car accident so I could just check out for awhile". She knew then she needed to get some help. But I think we've all had days like that. And I think we're all still grieving so much over our losses and trying to accept this new normal if you can even call it that. So if it helps- there are others who have felt it and understand it. (((hugs)))
3jaysmom- If we lived closer I'd be your friend! I miss having a close girlfriend, too. What I thought were my two closest friends were absolutely horrid to me after my DX and surgeries. I jettisoned them both and I don't regret it but I do miss having those kinds of friendships. When did making friends, or should I say keeping them, get so hard?
Stanzie- I know how exhausting it is trying to figure out what surgeries to do, who should do them, what's going to be covered by insurance and so on. It can be so overwhelming. It would be nice to get it all over and done with in one surgery. It couldn't hurt to ask!
Today my DH had his first follow up visit with his neurologist after being DX with Parkinson's and it went really well. On his initial visit he got a score of 27 out of 108 (108 being the most severe symptoms) and after being on his new meds for 6 weeks today he scored 16! His doctor said a drop in 4 points or more is significant and he dropped 11! His doctor added a 2nd med today that should help even more so we're very optimistic!
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Thanks 3jays. It does get different but sometimes I'm back in the hole for long periods. Yesterday was a curl up on the couch and pull the sheet over my head kind of day. your comment "hang in there" was funny to me. 0
