Great saying about depression
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I am feeling so lonely and sad today amidst my family members, I cant figur out what had happen to me. In other days I am so active but today is toally different. I just just feel that there is no tomoro for me. I don,t even speak to anyone. I am now in my office chamber unable to do office work. My phone battery is also gone, no contact with anyone. Am I suffering from depression ? Only god knows.
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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." someone says
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rajkumari I am so sorry you are feeling so alone and sad. I think there are days that it just hits us maybe harder than others. It sometimes is so overwhelming and powerful. You start to think what you have been through. I think what is hard too is even though we get to make final decisions it seems as if we have no control. Because yes we may decide on lumpectomy vs mastectomy or reconstruction vs no resonstruction etc. but they are not choices we want to have to make and it didn't feel like I had control in a way when I made them because I couldn't even believe I was having to talk about it. I felt like I was on the ocean in a wave being pushed to shore and pulled out. Yesterday was the first anniversary of my biopopsy. I struggled all day between anger and sadness and disbelief still. So I think on those so very hard days we accept the emotions, go with them, let them wash out of us and then try again.
kellibee I am sorry too that with all the devastation of a breast cancer diagnosis you are facing so many other things. I too have only had down times related to situational things. I have found that the mastectomy support group I go to at our cancer center is very helpful and these discussion boards. Many take an antidepressant long or short term and feel they really help. I know for me excercise helps. I wish for you a day of peace
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First post is GREAT !! I have not posted here (I don't think) but I read here a lot.
I take Cymbalta - it is for depression AND PAIN. If any of you have arthritis pain or nerve pain, you should check it out. It was just recently been approved for helping with these issues. There are many articles out there.
Doesn't it feel good to clean ??? Hard to get the motivation, but so worth it !!
ps - do what i say, not what I do
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For those of you struggling right now I do think, for me, the hard days are coming fewer and farther between as more time passes. The trigger seems to be the anniversaries of the hard days- biopsies, DX day, MX day, etc. Maybe those are the days we try to love ourselves the most. Not by ignoring the day and doing frivolous things (but, hey, if that works go for it) but by allowing ourselves to grieve for our losses and knowing it's our right to do so. But we also need to see some progress out of this black cloud a little at a time. If you're not seeing that then maybe that is when you need to seek help. Either by sharing with a counselor of some kind or seeking some help in anti-depressants. There is no shame in this. It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength that you care enough about yourself to know that you deserve more. Taking anti-depressants and controlling my depression allows me to start processing emotionally all that I have experienced this past year. Otherwise, I think I would just be stuck and not moving forward as I feel I am doing. Whatever any of you are struggling with I hope you find the answer for overcoming it. Just know that we are all here for you for as long as you need.
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Today is the two year anniversary of my double mast. I think a lot of us feel low right now because there is so much Christmas "Cheer" going around. Or trying to go around. I hate false joy.....sigh.
Bummer time of year for lonliness, illness and such. As the rest of the world celebrates we tend to look inside and find ourselves a bit lacking.
I think I'll go out and buy some chocolate!
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barbe1958 go for the chocolate
I long for the carefree joyous person that I was Maybe someday I will find her again, when more time has passed. I do agree Kate33 that the intensity of the grieving is not what it was. Sometimes it is all about baby steps.
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Just got back from spending $32 at Walmart! eheheheheheheheheh Can you say yum!
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Kate: Well said. Baby steps: I feel happy, I feel good, ....
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Wow, do I ever love this thread! I can relate to so many of the posts. I have a HUGE support system and yet feel alone in many ways, overwhelmed, down, wondering where the carefree happy chica went. I don't recognize myself with the weight I have gained and the body changes. I'm wondering what I will do to make a difference in my life, will my cancer return, how will I give up my nightly wine starting January, what type of recon will I have, when will I tell my teenage daughters that they have to be tested because I have the BRCA gene, etc. etc. DH is out of town and my friend delivered 3 glass water jugs (3 gal) ones filled with water. They were on my porch and 2 of them froze. I put them in my sink and the glass pretty much shattered. I broke down and sobbed and sobbed because that's how I was feeling about my life. I have been strong and positive through this journey but I couldn't even deal with one more thing. The broken glass stayed in my sink for 2 days, as dishes piled up everywhere else. Finally I texted 2 girlfriends and they came over and cleaned up my MESS! I stayed in my pj's for the day and ended up journaling and taking a long bath and going for an acupuncture session in the evening. I gave myself permission to grieve for the day. The next day was a new day and all was well - but my eyes were still bugging out from bawling the day before. I guess it's time to get some meds because I'm feeling anxiety more often - esp. now that rads are over with (2 wks out). Who/what has inhabited my body? Where is the old Daiva? Will she return? I hope and pray after this transition period, I will like the new me.
Thanks for letting me vent! Someone told me "better out than in". My priority today will be to write in my gratitude journal. It really does help me personally - 5 things/day - no matter how small, insignificant or how big. Again, thanks for starting this thread! ~ Daiva
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I just had to add some new drug to my cocktail yesterday. I found I'd been having VERY intense sad dreams and I'd wake up sad. Very sad. My waking thought yesterday was about my new grandson. I thought that now I had something to lose! Not, oh what a beautiful gift, but now there is something someone can take away, through illness, death, etch. How friggin' depressing is that???? I don't think the Cymbalta was giving me what the Zoloft and Welbutrin were. So we add Seroquel which is an anti-psychotic and fairly new. So I'll be a guinea pig. I don't care! I just hate those thoughts. It's like, I'd rather die than live to see my grandson die.....at least I had enough sense to tell my doctor about my feelings.
I think it's so important to realize that some sad thinking is okay. Like grieving over lost breasts. That's normal and you need it. But when I brought my grandson into my stupid thinking, I knew it was time to get help! Whatever the Zoloft/ Welbutrin mix was giving me, I wasn't getting it with Cymbalta alone.
Interestingly, I asked to go back to my previous mix, but my doctor wanted me to stick with Cymbalta due to Fibromyalgia and then add the new one which was for "thoughts". Boy did it knock me out! I see the concept - think suicide, take this pill and it'll put you to sleep. Everything looks better in the morning!
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Just lost my post!
((((Xraygirl)))): I had a similar meltdown yesterday a couple hours before having a houseful of people over for the first time in 3 years. Can't seem to multi task anymore and I have so been where you are. I was bawling my eyes out and had to put my party face back on before 15 people showed up at my door. It will eventually get better, we just have to allow ourselves time to grieve.
Barbe: Hoping this works for you, but as I stated above, we need to grieve our losses and this just takes time and sometimes we need the help of drugs. I hope this works for you.
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Determined, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Just know there are times we all have to wade thru the hard stuff (actually I usually put it into more graphic terms) to get to the brighter side. The day I returned to work, post surgery, the women questioned if I was going to have reconstruction. Not how are you feeling, etc. The men however were just the opposite which really helped. That evening at home, I went over the questions each woman had asked and yes I cried. I was 42 years old, single and bewildered. Then it came to me . . . I never cried over losing my gallbladder. Even though it was a part of me, it certainly wasn't me. Unlike most I wasn't able to have reconstruction since I had a radical. Like you I was determined to take charge and do what ever necessary to make it to the other side. The first breast was removed in 1990, the second in 1996 with lots of surgeries since. Be proud of yourself, you have reached out for support and that is a huge step. We all have to come to terms in our own way and whatever time it takes. Yes, I still sing in my head "I am Woman" . . . works for me. Determined, love yourself and all those who truly love you. I just know you are going to be your old self in no time at all.
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I just had a huge meltdown, and I like that I can come on here and share/vent. I had a conversation with my parents that really upset me. I'm in my mid-40's and single (so when I'm not working, there's no income coming in). I usually speak with my parents once a week. They've been great throughout my BC journey, but they tend to be "glass half-empty" people, so sometimes it's not a good idea to talk with them, especially when I'm feeling down. Tonight I was feeling OK, so I gave them a call. Now that I'm "done" with all my surgeries (at this point I'm not planning on having nipple reconstruction because I'm so done with all the surgeries and accompanying complications), I've been focusing on finding a job. I left my last job a month before my BC diagnosis and cannot imagine having worked these last eight months. It's such a nightmare looking for a job right now in this economy - I have some great work experience and an Ivy-league MBA and am still having a really hard time. I find the whole thing so frustrating and depressing, and I'm still processing all my anger and depression over the BC, so I've been really down lately.
The past few days I've had some positive movement on the job front. I have a second-round interview for a job tomorrow and another potential opportunity with an organization I've been doing some pro bono consulting for, so I was finally feeling somewhat positive. I spoke with my parents tonight to let them know about these two opportunities and instead of being happy about my relatively positive job-related news, they proceeded to ask me what happened with the two jobs I interviewed for a couple weeks ago (which I still haven't heard back from; one was a third-round interview) and if I've considered expanding my job search. They also asked me what I'm going to do about my apartment when my lease is up in February. I let them know that unless I decide to leave NY, I'm pretty much stuck in my ridiculously expensive apartment, because even if I wanted to move into a studio apartment in a rat-infested building, I wouldn't even be able to get the apartment since I don't have a job so wouldn't pass the lease application. I've been paying my rent on time for four years in my beautiful, overpriced apartment, so they'd be more than happy to extend my lease. After getting off the phone with my parents, I just felt like such a failure and so upset. I did speak with my sister afterwards, which made me feel a little better, but I'm still very depressed.
I've been seeing a therapist (a social worker) and just got a referral to a psychiatrist so I can get some medication to hopefully help me through this difficult time. I'm happy I was able to get an appointment with the MD for Tuesday. Now I just have to hold it together and get through my interviews tomorrow.
Sorry for the downer message. Wishing all of us a happy week!
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LG300: My family, if you can believe it, is even worse then that! In fact they have been so horrible to me over the years that I finally cut them off over 20 years ago. We are all here for you, we have your back, you are taking the right steps to get back on your feet and I just know that you are going to be fine. I have a similar problem with housing here in Los Angeles, though I am married. We have a great and huge beautiful place but if we were to move right now, with me not working, and the rents so high--most places here are dumps for the amount of money we spend where we are. Anyway, this is about you, not me. I find it doesn' t take much these days to set me back so I have to be careful about who I allow in my little circle of friends right now and I also have to not over do life. Be gentle with yourself, it's as if we have been through a war and now we are trying to put the pieces back together and it does take time. Hugs.
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Wonder444: Wow, I just read your post and I am so glad that you came on here and joined us. Reconstruction or not, we have all lost a part of ourselves and it's great to have a safe place to come and share.
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MBJ - Thanks so much for your note! Sorry to hear about your family. Glad it sounds like you have a supportive DH (from your other posts as well). I used to live in LA (in Beverly Hills). I can't believe how much my life has changed since those days (I left in 2000). I loved LA, had great friends, and had a great job at Disney. I decided to leave all that to move to SF for a dot-com start-up (huge mistake in retrospect). Anyway, although a lot of good things have happened since then (this year notwithstanding), I do feel that I kind of got off track when I left Disney and LA. In any case, I wish I were in sunny LA right now! I do think I need to plan a mini-vacation to help get me out of this funk. Hugs, Lisa
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MBJ you may have lost your post because you had hit Preview and not Submit. It happens a lot.
MBJ I love when you said to not "over do life". That is so true. Sometimes we sick back and feel like life is rushing past us. But to be part of that "rush" isn't really what we need either. We need to truly live in the moment.
I've been on antidepression meds for about 25 years and know there is a lot I haven't had a chance to process. I do allow myself to grieve the loss of my breasts (and uterus) and allow myself to feel what I need to, but when thoughts of suicide and death are constantly with me, I know to get extra help. There is a solid link of a chemical imbalance in the brain, not just a matter of "get over it"!!!!
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The ladies on this thread are so inspiring and I am blessed to be able to read and share with all of you. Barbe1958 I am so glad you are so wise to know when you need to do something different.
Xray girl, I am so glad you were able to allow yourself to grieve and that you had girlfriends you could call. I know exactly how you feel about shattering. I use to feel at times like I was a branch covered in ice and if I started to think about all that had happened in my life and feel the emotions I would shatter like ice off a branch when it falls to the ground. But in all the books I have read it talks about how important it is for us to allow the emotions of this devastating disease. I am doing that but like we all know it is hard and it hurts. But if we don't we wont't come out the other side.
LG300 congrats on having someone call you back! In this economy you are so right it is so hard to find something. And if you are qualified as it certainly seems you are it is sometimes harder because they can hire a new grad for so much less. I will hope that you find the perfect match for you.
I have read it over and over in our posts how we are so disappointed by those we thought would be there for us. I keep praying I can let them go, but the hurt is so deep that it is hard. People and friends you considered like family. I agree that it is important to love ourselves, (I am having a hard time doing that) and surround ourselves with those that are good for us right now and have been there and loved us through the hard stuff.
It helps so much to be able to "talk" with you guys. Truly understanding this journey. It has to get better, I can't believe we are going to feel this way forever.........?
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Lg300, are you my sister? I think we have the same mother! You sound like you are doing everything right for yourself and it will come together for you. It is a big disappointment when the ones you are expecting encouragement from give you something else. I say just love me and encourage me in my decisions, (haven't screwed up yet-too bad at least). I m glad you came here and you are not a failure!!!! It will all come together, good luck on the job search.
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There are two dynamics that happen during this time and, as I'm two years out, I have noticed a pattern. We are women, so:
1) The way WE react to our diagnosis gives others clues as to how to respond. BUT if....
...we make light of the diagnosis, so do those around us.
...we try to be brave for everyone else and not show our fear, that gives the false notion that we don't need support.
...we spend a lot of time making others feel better about our cancer, it looks like we don't need a hug.
2) We can lift cars off kids in a crisis, but when it's over we collapse and cry. With breast cancer it is never over, we just keep holding that car over that child. It's exhausting!
No one. NO ONE who hasn't been through it can possible understand the axe hanging over our head. Oh, they spew stats and odds. Well, guess what, someone gets the bummer side of those stats and odds and there is nothing we can do to change them. Nothing. We are powerless. It is an unusual position for intelligent women to find themselves in. It's like we are fighting two battles at once.
Breast cancer is never cured and most people just don't get it. They think it's pretty and pink and at the worst, chronic. So sad for them really, as one in four of them are going to find out it's different! God help them all.
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Good morning MJB,
Just want to thank you for the warm welcome. We all need the feeling of support at various times in our lives. Just finding someone who will truly listen is priceless. Anyway, I am grateful that I came across these boards and plan on checking in from time to time.
Sending you and yours Best Wishes.
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Hadley, I'll be here at some point. You are not alone.
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Everyone is so beautifully eloquent this morning!
LG300:Don't ever beat yourself up ever for taking an opportunity! If you stayed here you could have been part of the huge melt down in the movie industry. People have lost homes, dreams, futures here more then some other places. And the sun hasn't showed it's face in a week: Pouring rain for 4 days and no end till the end of the week. My point is, the only way we can move forward is to look ahead and that is exactly what you are doing. If it's any consolation, tow of my friends who have been out of week, one for 2 1/2 years and one for a year just got really nice jobs. Encouraging to hear in this economy and what it says to me is that things are looking up. I predict you will have a great job sooner then later, you are doing the work, it will come.
Barbe: Beautifully said. I harbor no anger towards the friends who couldn't hang and I truly did keep the worse of my pain from everyone, including my husband. People only give what they are able to and we have to accept that there are those who step forward with this disease and those who are unable and there is no right or wrong, but it is what it is. I have made some amazing new friends and I am now closer to some friends of friends then I am to the people who introduced me. The hardest part for me now is that I look good but I am not myself yet my hair has grown, I have a partially reconstructed breast, but my brain isn't working right, I wake up in a huge amount of pain in my right hand from nerve damage from chemo and it's really difficult for me to be happy right now. No suicidal thoughts though, because I would have to get on meds. Holding out in hopes that I won't need them, still, they are there to help us. Hugs.
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What? Do what? Spend only $32 at Walmart or is that self-control?? I work beside a Walmart so I go for a healthy walk at least once a day....
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MBJ ~ I don't recognize myself either - in lots of ways. I wish I could sing "the sun will come out tomorrow" and out it would come. The dreary days don't help! Wow, 15 people over for dinner? Good for you! I personally am thinking about calling for some meds tomorrow...
rajkumari ~ it seems you are not alone in your feeling lonely. (((hugs))))
LG300 ~ wishing you the best of luck with your job search!
determined ~ when you spoke of the branch, do you ever feel afraid by the way you feel? Those emotions are so powerful and sometimes they evoke fear of losing my marbles. I am trying to envision positive, beautiful things while I practice deep breathing. It seems we are all feeling vulnerable.
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All, thanks as always for your kind, supportive comments. I'm so glad I found this thread. 0
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I miss my boob
I miss my hair and I'm not fond of the feeling I get when I see a woman with long beautiful hair and nice cleavage and wanting to kick her teeth in....that's all.Love this thread, nice to know I'm not alone missing the old me
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That branch snapping was pretty vivid. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I snapped in the middle of oh, say, the grocery store, or Walmart or something. Would it be horrid or would I be quietly escorted out?????
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xraygirl yes it scares me that is why for so many years I didn't address a few things I needed to. But I found I truly did not shatter into the million pieces I thought I would. Was it very very difficult to work through a few things ........ yes very, but I did it with the help of a few wonderful people.
Am I afraid now..... yes because the old me seems so very far away sometimes and I have never had such an underlying sense of sadness. The deep breathing, yoga, meditation etc have all been proven to help. I start the treadmill back up today! I have always been a very passionately intense person so I wonder if that is a help or a hinderance? And not just intense in a bad or serious way. Intensely laughing, intensely loving .........
ladym13 I can relate so much to looking at other women and thinking it isn't fair. It isn't but it is what it is I guess. I get angry thinking about it. I think we will always miss the old us. And that is ok. It was a very important part of us on many different levels. We are here for you.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of being told I had breast cancer. As I lay in bed this a.m. I thought back about all the complications and problems and then all of a sudden there was a peace about I am glad it was a year ago because if they hadn't found it then who knows what stage and grade it would be by now. I had three different kinds.... LCIS, DCIS and IDS. Does that mean I am starting to accept?
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