Great saying about depression
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Kate: Thank you for sharing about this thread. Hugs.
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MBJ depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. You may need medication to balance yourself. I am one of the happiest and funny people I know but I still need my meds to be me. I have a great life too and a wonderful husband, but I DO have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Not my fault and nothing to be ashamed up. It's just like having diabetes or something.
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speech529 do not ever apologize for what you are feeling. Each person who hears breast cancer related to them will go through a ton of different emotions. Each of us has our own journey related to the type of cancer, the treatments, the complications if any and because we each have traveled our own life journey unique only to us know one should judge.
I went into this feeling so positive and strong then when I faced all the complications from surgery and realized the full impact of what losing my breasts meant I crumbled. Some days full of anger, some days tearfilled, and believe it or not some days at peace. Each day is new and sometimes I feel all of the possible emotions in one day! It takes on average 2 years to come to acceptance after losing a breast. I am almost at one year. We need to be gentle with ourselves and I guess patient. We need to be able to verbalize in a safe place like here how devastating it is. I always feel better after being able to write it or talk about it with someone who has walked it.
Some women do not mourn the loss of their breasts as much as others. I do. But I do not judge those that don't and do not want to be judged because I do. Although I want to slap the women who say stupid things or minimize who have never gone through the surgery or the diagnosis. Sorry that is the nasty me.
Be gentle with yourself.
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MBJ- I hope this thread helps you as much as it has helped me. Exchange City is great but I kept thinking something was wrong with me for feeling so down. After hearing from all the wonderful women on here I realized I wasn't alone and there is a lot of comfort in that. Some women do seem to sail through all this (or they're not admitting otherwise) but I guess I'm not one of them. I know a lot of us on here do need, and take, anti-depressants but I also think all of us have a reason to be sad and depressed. I know it will pass but for now it does help talking about it. I'm glad you came over! (((hugs)))
Determined- I'm a mourner, too. I think for me, though, it's not so much the loss of the breast as the loss of feeling normal. I feel like I'm now walking through life in someone else's skin. It is such a bizarre feeling.
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Determined Thanks for your encouraging words. I was very positive throughout the experience, too. This is all just coming to a head now, I suppose. I agree--we must be gentle and patient with our bodies, our hearts and minds.
Kate33 "walking through life in someone else's skin"....I keep asking myself, did this really happen to me?
I am so glad I found this thread, writing down some of the ideas that loop through my head has been helpful. I feel supported and I know that each lady here understands in a way that others cannot (how can they?).
William Shakespeare said, "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break." The bard was right. Thanks for listening to my words!
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Kate: I find myself doing weird things like looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I keep waking up in the morning half expecting it to have all been some weird, bad dream. I agree, I feel as if I am in someone else's skin. Not really sure who I am anymore and not sure where the other "me" went. Still trying to figure it out. I guess I am lucky that I was able to keep one breast, although it is augmented now. I wanted them to completely change how it looked thinking I would mourn my other breast less, but that didn't work out so well. I am still comparing them, I have some feeling, but it doesn't feel like a breast. Maybe this will change after I get used to it. I hope so, because it is the "new" me. I am looking for a job, too, but my heart isn't in it. Hell, my heart really isn't into anything right now and that really sucks because I have worked for years in sales and I just don't have it in me right now.
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Wow so true trying to find who we once were. Feeling like we should be able to wake up from this horrible nightmare. The breasts feel so wierd. I never don't feel the pressure hardly of them being there another reason you can't "forget". I absolutely do mourn the loss of sensation. It changes all of the dynamics of lovemaking. That is a huge loss. Again the things that those who haven't gone through it don't get. And who wants to share all the nitty gritty rotten stuff that they do to your body and the results. Okay sorry starting to get angry again about the women who have not been supportive that I thought would and who said stupid stupid things to me. How do I let that go?
And yet I know I have to try to grab on to the things that have been good that are a result of this. Not too many ha but they are there. How do you balance it all? We just keep trying.
Did you hear about the lady that is going to write about Elizabeth Edwards texts to her? Part of me is glad because it shows that while she put on a wonderfully brave and postive facde to the public she too needed a safe place to talk about it in a honest way. I just hope she does it with tact.
Ladies I look foward to reading you each day. I wish we could all get together for coffee!
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MJB- I don't recognize myself in the mirror either and Horror...in pictures. I miss my breast yes, and I am trying to be optimistic about some sensation returning - my PS says it will take up to 2 years before some of those nerves will regenerate, but I still hate my hair. Not that it was ever wonderful, but it was MY choice, my style. My DH's boss (who is a social moron) asked me the other day if my hair was "mine". I answered with a laugh ( he is the boss!) but that comment has pissed me off for days. How do I have patience for my breast to return, but not my hair to grow?
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speech- Beautiful quote by Shakespeare and so true! Thanks for sharing that.
MBJ- I've read about so many women job hunting, lately- myself included! I was in the midst of job hunting this time last year when I got my DX. I've been a stay-at-home mom for 14 years so it's hard enough entering the job market after not working for so long. But throw all this in the mix and I know I'm sorely lacking in the confidence I'll need to beat out hundreds (if not thousands) of others trying to get the same job. I feel like BC has pulled the rug out from under me and I just can't seem to even make the effort to send out resumes.
Determined- I completely understand about the anger towards those who have let you down through all this. I've got a lot of those- friends and family. It seems to bother me the most when it's women that have let me down. So many distance themselves from those with BC as though it is a contagious disease. I will never understand it. Not sure if you post on it or not but there is another thread called "The dumbest things people have said to you/about you" that was started by a member named Day. On it we kind of vent about those people and verbally throw them under the bus.
It's funny how when I started I only posted on the NSM thread, Exchange City, etc. And now I find myself mostly on the venting kinds of threads. Next to numb breasts the anger is probably the most foreign sensation I am feeling. So not who I was before and so not who I want to be. It's like a heavy overcoat I just can't seem to figure out how to take off right now.
Like Determined, I wish we could all get together for coffee! Wouldn't it be nice to pick those members you connect with most (like all of you!) and have them magically transported to your living room (or my back patio since the weather is absolutely gorgeous this time of year in Arizona!) and talk, vent, laugh and cry together! That would be nirvana right now!
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I think getting together for coffee is the way to go. I have two suggestions. 1st choice is Kate33's patio with sunshine because I'm in Indiana and it's below 0 with the wind chill. No sign of warmth coming any time soon. 2nd choice is to meet at the live chat part of BCO. I've never checked that out, but we could set up a time to meet with a cup of coffee. Anyone game?
Once again, so many of the things I read here strike a chord with me. I'm ending a hellacious year and will be SO glad to see it in the rear view mirror. It's been more than BC, which would have been enough to deal with by itself. So, there's a part of me that feels a huge sense of relief to end 2010. But at the same time, I'm at my one year anniversary of when the BC part started. Just before Christmas last year I went for my annual breast checkup (I was considered so high risk they got their very own annual checkup), which was then followed by a MRI (dense breasts, stuff didn't show up on mammograms or even ultrasound), then an attempted ultrasound biopsy (couldn't find the spot), then MRI guided biopsy and then finally the diagnosis Feb. 3rd. So, relief at ending the year, but much sadness and much anger over the anniversary, as well.
Kate33 I'm like you, I find myself on the venting threads. Mostly reading because it comforts me to "hear" women who understand.
Fellow job hunters -- I think we need to get creative with our resumes. Think of the things that we can craft into persuasive phrases. Problem solving? We've done an immense amount of that. Decision making? We've acquired the skill of choosing between crappy and crappier choices. That'll help in most any job. Dealing with ignorant people? Again, called for in most any job. Might have to phrase that as "people skills" though. Research? How many of us have spent hours rearching information when our brains were spinning from overload? Maybe we need a job seeking thread for support? Or better, meet in live chat for something a bit stiffer than coffee? Job hunting isn't fun anytime, especially not now and especially not for us!
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The high today is supposed to be 77 so I'm dusting off the patio chairs! LOL! I've never done the chat room, either (actually I'm embarrassed to say I've never done any chat room) but I'm game- coffee or adult beverage in hand!
Candy- Love the creative resume!!! Had thought it probably best not to disclose the whole BC thing but, when you think about it, doesn't going through it truly make us the best kick ass employee they could ever hire? Everything else is a piece of cake after all this crap.
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There is an expression: Fake it till you make it.
It's usually used in sales, but can work for anyone. Once you start living how you really want to live, ie. confident, poised, cheerful, etc, those attributes will start to come through.
I am in sales and when I lost my breasts I went back to work 2 1/2 weeks later and just continued on as if nothing had happened. I was just flat. That's all. Stunned all the people I worked with. What's the point of making a drama out of it? It only lasts until someone has something worse....
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barbe1958 as I have said before each women grieves about different things and we should never judge another.
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MBJ, Kate, Candy and others - As you know, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. It's terrible to feel so down and unmotivated and not like ourselves. And it's hard enough to find a job in this economy, even without the total lack of motivation. One of the other things that's difficult about the job search is that even though I need to find a fairly high level job that pays well (I live in NY, which is so expensive), after this last year of hell, part of me just wants an easy, low stress job. Candy, I like your resume suggestions (its so true about the skills/experience we have). Love the coffee get-together idea. Kate's patio in sunny Arizona sounds wonderful (it's freezing here in NY), but I'd also be up for meeting in the chat room with a coffee or something stiffer :-) So glad I found this forum!
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Determined, I wasn't talking about your journey, I was talking about mine. I didn't get reconstruction so did not have the additional pain and immobility. I do NOT judge, trust me.
I was referring to my "Fake it till you make it" comment. Please don't judge my comments.
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I find myself wanting to change my job to something that I am now passionate about........ helping other women who are traveling this journey. As a nurse I would love to get certified as a Breast Nurse Navigator but have not worked in patient care for a long time. Management and consulting. I need to find a mentor that can lead me as to how to make this happen.
Don't you find that your focus has changed so much! I am ready to downsize and not work
I have come into contact with a woman that use to have a Marketing Director job and after this decided she didn't want it either. Maybe this is one of the blessings.............. refocusing what we want out of life?
It is bitter cold here to. But you know the snow on the pines is pretty. Sunny AZ sounds good to me!
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Determined- My DH said when I talk about BC, and all the ways patient care could be so much better, he has never seen me so passionate about anything. (Well, except for him, of course! LOL!) I wish I knew a way to channel that passion into a paying job but what that would be I don't know. I, unfortunately, don't have any medical training. (Unless you count first aid/CPR training as a flight attendant years ago!) I just feel there are so many easy things that could be changed that would make treatment easier for patients from an emotional aspect. Wish the cancer centers would realize what a source we are for making patient's lives better.
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Kate: I saw your post and my response would have been the one that followed! We have learned amazing life skills after this and we are stronger-for better or worse--and resilient, too. I went to my GP yesterday and told him about my depression, lack of energy, etc. Well, he is an integrative dr. and he said I need to start doing all of the things that I really love to do, because I am not doing any of them (well, except for shopping and spending money I don't have). He also allowed me to start having one cup of coffee a day (my diagnosis prior to BC was adrenal exhaustion/chronic fatigue) and I accomplished so much today! Still in the midst of it but I went through the enitre bathroom and threw out half used bottles, tubes, junk, 3 trash cans full just gone. And that's just the drawers and medicine cabinet. I still have the cupboards below to do. Also managed a brisk walk to the post office and back with my DH. I don't want to go back to what I was doing before, don't want the stress, so I am cleaning house and trying to figure it out. Wish I could afford to just "retire" but I thijnk I need to fall in love with somethng new that also gives me money and a sense of being whole and accomplished. My old job was 24/7 stress. No more-not worth it. Where in Arizona do you live? My neighbors are getting married there in March--maybe we could go have that cup of coffee in person!
Darn: The sun disappeared as quickly as it came. Cooled way down today again.
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MBJ- Must have been something in the air today. I had a burst of energy and cleaned out drawers, cupboards, etc. Guess there's something cathartic about it because I felt a little better today. Great advice from your GP. I used to make jewelry so today I got out all my beads and wire and started making Christmas ornaments to give as gifts. Before I knew it hours had passed! Would love to get together with you in March. I am just outside Phoenix (1/2 hour from the airport). Where's the wedding?
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Kate: Lol! Well I hope it lasts, because I haven't done much the last year. I think the wedding is in Phoenix!!! I will let you know details when it gets closer to the date. I think we might be driving in though, not flying. We shall see. It would be so great to have a cup of coffee in person with someone who has been there with me through all of this.
It's pretty late, so good night all. Sweet dreams.
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Nope. Nothin' cathartic in the air yesterday except artic air! ehehehehehehe I did nothin' all day. Day off.
But, I must say, I've been saying that I have to sort my craft room out since our move so that I can begin to heal my soul again....
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Good mornin,
I'm in the 2nd week of weaning off Prozac and yesterday was a doozie. Really frustrated with how long the stupid kitchen paint facelift is taking and I yelled at my DH a lot. Around dinner time we got into it again so I just went to bed at 7:15pm. Couldn't handle his arguing with the kids and condescending tone. Now I'm starting to wonder if I've been too medicated, 'cuz I don't usually get that mad, cry, and behave like a teenager. It might be good to actually feel more emotional . . . a little scary for the rest of my family, though.
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MBJ- It would be great to finally meet you!
MrsNice- I've had a few "teenager moments" myself! Though mine I think is caused by me entering menopause the same time my kid is entering puberty. Not a good combination! Don't know what I was thinking having a kid at 36!!! LOL!
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Mrs. Nice, I use a pill that helps me with anger. When I switched off the two I was using I just did it. No weaning, just took the new pill instead of the old one. Why the hell is your doctor making you do it the hard way? I was on the other pills for about 15-20 years and just switched.
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Barbe - not sure why doc is suggesting I do it this way. I have heard of people having horrible meltdowns going cold turkey, so maybe that's why. I was originally taking 30mg prozac and 300mg wellbutrin. Staying on wellbutrin as is. Have to get off prozac so tamoxifen will work. So doc said drop to 20mg prozac for 2 weeks, then to 10mg for 2 weeks and add 37.5mg Effexor. After 2 weeks of that I go to 75mg Effexor which is approximately an equivalent dose of the 30mg prozac I was taking. I think because Effexor adds a norepinephrine effect to the serotonin effect so she doesn't want me to just drop one and start the other. Thankfully all of these are at $10 co-pays.
I remember you said you have lorazepam (or Ativan) for those bursts. I have some left over from my chemo stash as it was intended for severe nausea but it also helps me sleep. I did take one last night and it knocked me out, finally. I can't just take a pill and sleep away the next 6 hours whenever I get mad . . . believe me, I'd love to!!
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But you are going cold turkey!!! Or did you add the Effexor at the beginning?
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I'll add the Effexor to the 10mg prozac starting Sunday . . . so both will be in my system for a bit. and prozac has a long "half-life" and takes a while to completely leave the bloodstream
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I love that saying about depression. I love this site just for this reason...... I needed to see this today. Thank you so much.
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Wow! yes it is a great saying...I feel at this point with everything that has happened to me in the last year...I have been through it! and I still have a good way to go. I found out I had beast cancer 2b in the end of May. Had one breat removed and 14 lymp nodes 1 with cancer cells. All of this happened at the worst time because I have had horrible finacial problems at the same time...My credit is gone...My empoyees have sewed me. I have just had my first chemo a week ago because I did not have the money pay for the chemo. I am thanking God because I can do chemo! My first chemo went well..Kind of like a bad hangover for a few days. It is a little tough now because almost everyone in my family has a flu and I feel like I have to be alone or avoiding them...I have had real depression but it is situational..It is hard to not feel bad when your life has fallen apart...Any advice?
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kellibee: I just saw your post and even though my husband was with me through the entire process, I have never felt so alone in all my lifetime. This is a great place to come for support. I suggest joining a chemo thread for those who are in the beginning process as they will be a great support to you. I too was going through so much stress and I think that getting cancer is linked to overwhelming stress. It's our body's way of telling us to stop, slow down and take care of yourself. My entire life has fallen apart, yet much of it is for the better. Look for the good in this, as there is always something good when something bad happens, for instance, I now have so many new and amazing women friends on this site.
What kind of BC do you have?
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