Great saying about depression
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Barbe - What's your emergency pill? Xanax? Or something else?
BinVA - what area of San Diego? How long have been on the East? My DH is from upstate/western NY . . . ok to visit but I can't do cold!
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Sometimes it just seems like depression and BC go hand in hand. I had the depression my whole life and I've been on meds (mostly just Wellbutrin which gives me some energy and makes the sex life more fun, but also seems to give me some anxiety.) For anyone struggling with the idea of taking meds- all I can say is they've helped me immensely. I hate the idea of having to take a pill to feel okay, but they really do help. This summer, I decided to go off the meds- I felt like the meds just allowed me to function, but I never really "dealt" with the cause of the depression, which for me is a pattern of swallowing emotions I learned in childhood.
For someone who has never been depressed before BC- it's the same- you've been strong for too long like the quote said. Another quote about depression I like is "Depression is anger turned inwards" - We all have the right to be really really ANGRY that we have had to go through this. ANGRY that we have to live the rest of our lives with fear of a recurrence.
When you go through treatment- you are just in survival mode- do what you gotta do to make it through- but then afterwards- then what? The anger is still there. How do we deal with it? I don't know. I feel like the depression over having BC is just piled on top of my other lifelong depression.
so I went off the meds- now it seems stupid, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. maybe it was, cause I've gotten re-in touch with all the despair. I guess I felt like I needed to do that- maybe make myself hit bottom in order to convince myself to seek professional help. Which I have now done and I restarted the meds. I am supposed to take tamox- I switched to Prisitq (similar to effexor) bc of the conflict- Effexor works ok on the depression for the worst part, but I was still really tired-at the time I blamed it on recovering from treatment, but now I think I realizing the lack of Wellbutrin's energy boost that was missing may have partly to blame. So I've been off Tamox for 8 months, I was highly ER+- I know I should go back on. My onc suggested maybe taking Fareston instead- I am premenopausal- so no AI's. Fareston would not conflict with the Wellbutrin.
I wish there were more research on how the antidepressants inhibit Tamoxifen- like how long does it last- if I were to take them at diff times of day- would that matter? Right now I am taking a combo of Wellbutrin and Pristiq.
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My wise Grandma said that everyone needs at least 10 hugs a day to stay healthy. Not sure if cyber hugs were what she had in mind but, hey, take them where we can get them, right? Sending out ((((((HUGS!!!!!!!))))) to any and all who need them as they struggle with the fallout from all this BC s***! And will gladly take yours in return!
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Kate
Your dog looks just like mine - trying to find a pic of him. What kind of dog is that?
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Great quote! I am so tired of dwelling on when/if BC will be back. I'm just tired of having it in my thoughts and life!
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Mrs. Nice...Lorazepam.....
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Kate33 yes that would be wonderful we could "do lunch". If you ever get to Chicago let me know! It is amazing our one year anniversary is here almost. The whole year so busy with MD appts. IV clinci, Infectious Disease Doc, etc that now it hits us in the face. We have to find a way to live with this the rest of our lives. I want so badly to feel like "me" again. I know in time I will it is all part of this journey. The journey none of us wanted to have to take.
We hug each other each time we support and genuinely try to help one another and that is why I love this thread.
Pugmom it is so wonderful when someone does not put you down for your emotions, but recognizes them as valid. I am glad that person reponded to you in a postive way. I do go to a mastectomy support group twice a month. I think it is the anger I hate the most. It snowballs and gets out of control once in awhile. I just hate it. But I know if I let it go the right way it is good. I hate when I take it out on people who love me.
MrsNice I hope they can find what you need.
BinVA and MrsNice I was born in San Diego too! But only lived there till fourth grade.
take care sweet ladies
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I've been on Celexa for several years, starting when my mom developed Alzheimers and my dad was dying of emphysema.
It has worked so well for me. We are all different, but I had zero side effects from the beginning. They've increased my dose to 20 mg from 10 since I developed mets. This doseage is working well for me and keeping me on an even keel. Don't know what I'd do without it, and don't want to try. At this point, I really need it. I have no qualms about using an antidepressent at a time when I often feel my world is falling apart.
I encourage all who are experiencing depression to discuss it openly. There is help out there. I understand how it feels to be completely overwhelmed and unable to cope.
Love all of you,
Lane
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melody2- That is my sweet Yorki-poo, Piper, and I also have her sister from the same litter, Scout. Went to get one puppy and came home with two. They are the best anti-depressants (though I do take Wellbutrin, too) that I could ever ask for.
Determined- The anger part is hard for me to deal with, too. Just so not who I am. Finally broke down in front of my DH today and the floodgates opened- kind of like emotional vomiting. I guess I was just so tired of acting like everything was o.k. now. He was wonderful and supportive and I feel "purged" in a way.
I agree with Determined, that just having your feelings and emotions validated on this site and thread, make such a difference in my life. Too many times the t.v. movie of the week depict BC patients as always courageous and strong and you feel you have to live up to that 24/7. Talking with all of you makes me see that not only is that unrealistic but also unhealthy. Thanks everyone!
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I found that Zoloft took the anger edge off.
We are still us, just looking a bit different...for those of you looking for yourselves again, look into your soul, you are still shining in there!
As women, we can lift cars off small children during a crisis, but collapse and cry when it's all over. With breast cancer, it's never over....we never have that chance to let go.
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barbe- I never thought of it that way but you are exactly right!! You never know when you're "done" and you can finally melt into a puddle of tears. Just when you think the last hurdle was the last- WAM! Just too many cars to lift with all this crap!
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Kate33-love you dog, so cute. Sounds like you really opened up with your husband. (loved the imagery-emoitional vomiting!) So glad you were able to get there.
I was thinking of something my oncologist told me a few months ago. He said, "there is a very little chance that the cancer will return, but there is that small possibility. You (me) have only recently me dx'd and you were told YOU HAVE CANCER. Now everyday you take a pill that reminds you of cancer and hope the cancer may not return." He was so right.
Barbe- you're right it's so hard to let go, but it must get easier.
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nmi- Thanks! Love the photo of your sweet pup, too.
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I'm actually worrying more as the five year mark approaches. I'm 2 years this month and with ER/PR+, the chance increases for a recurrence as time goes on. Plus I've got so much shit going on with my body right now I'm pretty nervous....
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Doc decided to "wean" me off Prozac and wean me on to Effexor. Hopefully the transition process over the next month will make it a smooth adjustment. I'll stick with my Wellbutrin as well. My DH takes Effexor, more for his ADHD than depression though, and it seems to work for him - the anti-anxiety aspect has worked wonders for his rage. Doesn't mean it'll work for me but we shall see.
My last therapist also used the phrase that "depression is anger turned inward" or something like that. I don't really feel angry too much of the time, but I also don't get enough physical activity to get the endorphins to release stress, so maybe it's a combo of the two.
Had my CT/simulation setup for rads, and got 4 tiny tattoos. They said they'd call when they have my scheduling setup, a week or two at the most. Heading back to work part-time on January 3rd . . . got to enjoy the rest of December!
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It seems like a lot of you are taking more than one anti-depressant. I've wondered lately if I need a little something-something in addition to my Wellbutrin. What is everyone's experience with doubling up?
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Dear Kate, I also take Abilify. Have been on it since just after the BC diagnosis, I shudder to think of going back to that place emotionally. I take Elivil to help me sleep, since that's when the racing thoughts were occuring, it allows me to get a full nights rest. Sleep deprivation can be worse than the depression, in my opinion. I just past my 1 and a 1/2 year anniversary and all the 6 month checkups. While I was all cllear, it triggered scanxiety to be reminded almost every week of the fact of cancer. I am now dealing with a breast infection and am on antibiotics and have had 2 aspirations of fluid. I'll be glad when I can get to a month free of Drs.appointments. I have weeded out friends that just disappeared after the diagnosis and while I know it was their loss it is also a loss to me. Cancer is such an incidious beast, where it infuences so many aspects of our lives. I thought that was such a great saying about depression. Karen
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Wow that is an awesome quote. I think that perfectly describes how I felt. I was strong for a long time but then finally hit the wall. Anti-depressents have really helped me to do & function better.
Thanks for sharing! NJ
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Kate, consider Zoloft. It gives you what Welbutrin doesn't. Google the two together and it shows you what each covers.
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karen333- (Another fellow lover of the number 3!)- I can empathize with you on the loss of friends. An SE of BC that I never would have imagined.
barbe and karen- I will check out Abilify and Zoloft. Thanks!
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I'm so glad to find all you lovely ladies. Everybody tells me I'm sooo lucky to have had such good fortune with my BC. I know how much worse it could have been but truthfully I expect the worst to happen to me sometime in the future anyway. That's how I Ilive--if I sneeze,I have nose cancer. My onc tells me that I am not going to die from this and I say to him then what? I am not the same person I was before the dx but always hope to get back there. Your compassion and wisdom helped me today. Thank you.
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Melly }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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I fully trust people with a sense of humor! Thanks barbe19580
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Melly- I was actually told I got the good kind of BC so can totally understand. It makes me so angry (@%^&&**%$E#^!!!!!) that they don't get that any kind of cancer is almost like a life sentence. I feel like my body has betrayed me and I think I always will. I do think we'll all make it back someday where BC doesn't consume our every waking moment. But until then I'm glad we have each other! Here's more ((((hugs))))
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{{{{{{Melly}}}}}}}
Kate, what you said is so true! wow, I think that is how we all must feel. Thanks for articulating it so well.
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It's funny. I read all the threads. Stage IV and even Alternative. I just pick up whatever looks interesting in Active Topics.
I see more mastectomies in the DCIS thread than any other. Early cancer??? I'd hate to see late cancer??? I see rads in the DCIS thread. The only thing I don't see is chemo. There's a TON of that in the Stage IV threads. But truly, the DCIS gals get hit pretty hard. I hate when I hear ladies on this board poo poo DCIS and say that their experience isn't anything like a later stage. Baloney!!! Someone still heard the word CANCER.....and 100% of the time, that DCIS lady had surgery of some type....
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barbe1958 I have never heard if you are ER/PR positive that your chances of reoccurence goes up each year. Did I misunderstand what you had written?
My Oncotype said I had a 8% chance of reocurrence and I am ER/PR positive. I thought it had more to do with the grade and nodes......
I think that people do not have a clue at the layers there are to breast cancer. I have always felt I had two diseases in a way to deal with. The actual breast cancer and then the mastectomies. They add an entirely different and complex layer to dealing with things.
I saw the Oncologist today. I didn't mention my emotional state. I am feeling a little better so I think I am going to see how it goes. I think the hardest part is not being able to escape it ever. You can't get away from it. It is there with you physically every moment. If you have a work problem or a family problem most times you can distract yourself or get away...... you know what I mean? But with breast cancer it is ALWAYS there.
I do think when you can excercise it helps. We were walking 2 miles a day before my last surgery Oct1st. Just started back up and then got sick with the respiratory junk. Got antibiotics and steroids today so hopefully I won't cough 24/7
You ladies are such a blessing to me.
I have so often advised people in my life to "be gentle with yourself" Ladies now is the time for all of us to be gentle with ourselves. Cultivate as someone earlier said what is in our souls. My best friend of over 30 years also has breast cancer, bilateral mx and infections. I told her we have the chance to role model to our daughters that the emotions we feel are nothing to be ashamed of. We can address them and move on. And when we falter that is ok. We will just try again tomorrow.
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I was corrected very early on in my bco journey. Stage I and II's are not usually treated aggressively and then tend to recur more often than III's! ER/PR+ is a slow growing cancer and while I did have a double mast, if ANY little cell was left behind is could be slowly growing and won't show up for oh, about 5-6 years! By that time, the ER/PR- people get to take a deep breath!
ER/PR- people have the stress for those 5 years though, but I worry just as much....sigh. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Stats change constantly and a lot of follow-up was only done to the 5 or 10 year mark so how realiable is that really?
Personally, I'd rather have had everything thrown at it, but my surgeon told me to "save the big guns for next time." It took me a while to realize what a stupid comment that was!
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Determined- Great description about the layers of BC. (That would be a great title for a book, BTW.)
So much of what I didn't expect about BC lies within the layers, ripples, fallout, etc. I've had friends and family who have had uterine and cervical cancer, and while any diagnosis of cancer is frightening, afterwards they walk around feeling somewhat whole and somewhat normal. Most were older so didn't particularly miss or care about their uterus or cervix. I, however, miss my breasts. I miss feeling "normal". I miss feeling like me. And when it hits me (over and over like a 2x4 over the top of the head) that this feeling is permanent that is where the depression lies. It still seems so surreal that this is my new normal.
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I'm thankful for this forum. I sort of feel like taking my picture down. it sort of makes you feel "out there." My first mastectomy was October 08. I was diagnosed one year later with cancer in my remaining breast. I had six surgeries in 17 months.
Yesterday I had my final procedures which were tattooing, fat grafting and excision of dog ear of my LD scar. My current PS did a great job. He was such a treasure to find in the darkness of the second diagnosis. These latest procedures were all done with local. I had some tears flowing for awhile. Partly because of my nerves. Too many times of hearing "you're going to feel a little pinch."
I am where the rest of you are. I should be so happy today.And I usually try so hard to remember how thankful I am. These past two years I went through a lot, including an infection and reexpansion process, second cancer, and my first plastic surgeon was not good. But as I looked today at what a great job my surgeon did, what my heart felt was " I want my old breasts back. No matter how you dress these things up, they will always feel cold. No warmth runs through them. They will never feel human. They will never again feel and respond to my husband's touch. Oh, how I miss that. I'm sure there has to be a day when I won't feel such loss, but it is a brokeness in my heart that hides behind the implant. And as many of you have said...many friends think that the trauma ends with the last surgery.
Am I thankful for my cancer(s) being found early?...very thankful. Do I grieve because I fought to save my breasts and lost both?.....every day.
I mentioned before that the emotions of bc sometimes come out of nowwhere and wash over you like a tsunami. I have tried quite a few anti-depressants before my bc without much success because I also get migraines. My PCP said something to the affect that I don't metabolize them well. There are times I wish I could try something else, but with just dealing with all that bc encompasses, I'm weary of the pursuit of yet another medication that might or might not work and the possible side effects.
Just heard Elizabeth Edwards died. She seemed so gracious. And at her age of 61, it is a reminder that no matter how many pink ribbons we see, there are no guarantees.
Thanks to all you wonderful ladies. For your strength, your vulnerability, your tenderness and your honesty.For listening, for loving, and for being the burdened strings on the violin that still produce beautiful tones of hope.
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