Great saying about depression
Comments
-
oops should have said IDC duh
0 -
barbe1958 it would probably depend if you had already spent your $32 or not
0 -
But my post said "I just got back from spending $32 at Walmart."? I bought a whole bunch of chocolate stuff and have been slowly working my way through them!
0 -
I took a little BCO break and came back today and read through this thread and, wouldn't you know it, you guys have been crawling inside my brain and putting all my thoughts down. Every post has a gem that so perfectly sums up what I'm thinking and feeling. How the hell do you do that? We must all be sisters from another mother!
Daiva- Your water jug story has been repeated in my house so many times. Little things that just become so overwhelming. (Though instead of water jugs it's dog barf on the new rug, dead battery in the car or a blown fuse from too many Christmas lights.) I feel like I've lost the ability to juggle or deal with the mini-crisis's that always come alone. How the heck am I going to be able to handle a job again?
LG300- Speaking of jobs- Wishing you good luck on your search!
Wonder444- Just wanted to say welcome as well. I hate that we all have a reason to be here but glad we can support each other. Glad you posted.
Determined- I think the hardest part for me is trying to decide what to do with the hurt I feel towards those that deeply disappointed me, too. I keep trying to decide what category they belong in- worthy of forgiveness, jettisoned immediately or placed in a holding cell to be determined later. Some I feel completely abandoned by this past year so I feel like I meant absolutely nothing to them (because who the hell does that?) so why should they mean anything to me? It's a struggle, though, which is why my holding cell is getting a bit cramped.
ladym13- Thought I was the only one who visualized teeth kicking on a daily basis! LOL! Have to say it's a side of me I'm not fond of, either. Never thought I'd be coveting my neighbor's breasts!
0 -
I've been looking through all the posts and can't find one about a water jug or someone name Davia. Where is it?
0 -
barbe- It's "x-ray girl" on 12/18 at 6:39 a.m. and it's Daiva, not Davia.
0 -
Barbe ~ hehe ... x-ray girl is me! I told my therapist today that I could identify with the broken glass in my kitchen sink and that the sharp edges HURT!!!! She told me Vietnam vets often suffer for the rest of their lives because they don't allow themselves to "feel" and revisit the pain and suffering they went through. Hmm...
Kate and ladym13 ~ maybe get a punching bag??? I have pink boxing gloves and have kicked the shi** out of the bag in the basement. My dog didn't know what was going on and barked his brains out!!!! I guess he thought I was losing it. My theory is... better out than in! ~ Daiva
0 -
Hello Kate. Thanks for welcoming me to your group. Being able to interact with such expressive, strong and wise women provides me with a sense of calmness.. As negative as any cancer can be, the positive side for me, has been all the caring people I have met during my journey. Happy Holidays to you and yours.
0 -
Wonder444- Happy Holidays to you, too!!! It looks like you and I joined BCO about the same time. I remember reading on a BC blog that this is the club no one wants to join, the hazing is a bitch but the sisterhood is for life. This site, and all the women on it, has definitely been the silver lining for me.
(That being said, would I choose no BC and perhaps meeting all of you at a Shopaholic meeting or something? Hell yeah!)
0 -
Kate I have the same feelings you do about friends that hurt me during this past year. Long story but two of my oldest friends from childhood are mad at me saying I hurt their feelings and they didnt feel appreciated for all they did for me during treatment. There is 6 of us in our little group and we've been friends for 35 yrs! One of my girls came over this weekend and really wants me to reconcile with the other 2 saying how hurt they are and that is was unhealthy of me to write them off.
I said to her 1. HTF do you think I feel if they are hurt??..you do realize I had cancer?? AND 2. I am not in a place emotionally to deal with any of this I explained to her as the physical is healing I have found myself like HOLY $hit I had cancer! I told her I needed to wrap my brain around some things and then I would come back around to address what ever relationships I wanted to mend. I also said I have NO intentions of being the one to apologize.
I am just not in a place to feel sorry if someone got their feelings hurt or felt neglected during my cancer treatments. Sorry just not there...maybe its the Tamoxifen but I have no feelings at all about the loss of those relationships right now.
I think we are entitled to our bad days...as long as we don't wallow in them.
Diane
0 -
BTW Daiva --- Dr S sent me an email thanking me for the referral, saying you were "lovely and he enjoyed meeting you" I love that man!
Di
0 -
DiDel- I think my friends expect me to "make nice" because that's what I've always done in the past. But as another member (MHP70) said on another thread, "There's a new sheriff in town". If I have to say something good has come out of BC- no, wait, I refuse to do that! Let's just say there's no more sweeping other people's s*** under my rug. I finally realized I deserve better. Sounds like you're thinking the same thing as well! (BTW, I've had a few "H.S." moments as well! The whole thing is kind of surreal, isn't it?)
0 -
Diane and Kate, I think some people just don't and can't get it. Theres season are of friendships and perhaps those friends will have to stay on the back burner for a while (maybe a long while, maybe not). It's not about "them" right now, it's about YOU! I just don't want to have regrets down the road. At the same time, I refuse to be a doormat and it's not my job to keep everyone happy. Those days are over! It sounds like many of us are in the same boat in that regard.
Diane, I've decided to take a holiday from BC and am putting off the research, etc. until 1/1/11. I am going to enjoy the holidays and enjoy my family! That's my Christmas gift to myself. Dr. S did email me back like you said he will. What a nice guy!!!
0 -
xraygirl: It wasn't a sit down dinner, I would have truly had a meltdown. It was more an open house but it seems that everyone showed up at 8 and left at 2:30 am. glad we did it because I used to be the hostest with the mostest and it made me feel almost normal again.
0 -
Kate: You always seem to say what I am thinking! I may have to join a shopaholics support group! Good thing the holidays are almost over, or I would go broke. We all seem to be unable to put up with the stuff we used to forgive in the past and I think that this is a good thing. Cancer changes us and it's not for us to help everyone else catch up to where we are at. It just is. Breast envy, I have too much of it. Must stop. Now. My one breast is all wrinkled and deflated looking. didn't expect this at all.
xraygirl: Well said! Enjoy your holidays!
DiDel: What is most important is to put yourself first, not the other way around. Hugs.
Determined: I know exactly how you feel. I hope that after another year we won't be as fragile as we are today.
0 -
.
courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow"
0 -
EWB that is my favorite saying. I have it on a plaque hanging in my work office at home!
0 -
I just found a small framed thing w a lovely peaceful scene and that written along bottom, I think that more than any thing else I have read or been given over the past 4 yrs has helped the most.
0 -
My favourite saying since bc has been: You don't have to be brave, you just have to show up.
I didn't cry until they strapped me to the table for my double mast. The nurse consoled me and held my hand and the anaesthetist put his hand on my head. I will never, ever forget the difference that human contact made.
0 -
Barbe1958- when people tell me that I was brave for going through all that stuff for cancer, I reply with your favorite saying...You don't have to brave, you just have to show up. I cried each and every time.
I see myself in so many of everyone's posts. I have no energy. I can't get myself to do anything. I don't enjoy a lot of things I used to enjoy. I hate my body becasue of all of the new scars I have accumulated over a period of a year. My brain is always focused on the "what if's" I can't cry. I want to be able to feel again. I want to be the old me, not the new me. I've been on antidepressants since before this journey. I've been to support groups and to therapists. They are no help. I come here and I appreciate that I am not the only one with these feelings. Sometimes I think I have gone mad but actually its the anger that has taken over me.
I feel like I should just delete this post. Anyways thanks for being here.
0 -
veggy--I took ativan for every RAD treatment. I don't think I would have been able to get into the car without it. Nothing is the same for me since my Dx but I always hope the old me will find a way back. I sometimes think I should be so grateful for all the things that are right in my life but find it difficult to get past the bad. Althoug I am more of a reader than a poster, I always feel an honest and warm welcome here. Everyone's posts are important.
To Everyone--Thanks for being here for me. I really need you and hope to be a better poster. Soon
0 -
Mellysu1022- I read a lot here too. Most of my posts are from playing games.
I'm happy that they got the cancer out and I am still alive. Some of the prcedures left me with emotional problems. The radiation wasn't too bad after the first couple of treatments. The first two I cried. I still take ativan at night to help me relax and go to sleep. If I could only let myself have a couple of good cries and leave go of some of the hurt, I might be able to heal. I just can't cry, only a few tears. I talk about my experience as if I was talking about someone else. My friends end up crying and I just sit there emotionless. I hope one day the floodgates will open and I will be able to cry. Until then...sigh.
0 -
Barbe: I started bawling my eyes out the minute they put the IV in my arm and I had to take off my wig and I knew I was going to be forever changed. I will never forget that moment.
0 -
veggy and mellysu1022- Welcome to our thread or the land of misfit toys as I think of it. I think Barbe hit the nail on the head when she said that we're still holding the car up over the child. I think the reason none of us can move on, or get back to who we were before, is we don't feel like we're done, yet. DX, MX, chemo, rads, recon, revisons- not to mention the fear of recurrence. How do you start processing everything when it still feels like we're in the middle of the fight? Anyway, post, post away! I, personally, find it very therapeutic writing AND reading. I connect with almost every post in some way and it makes me realize that what I'm experiencing is not some bizarre phenomenon, or my own brand of crazy, but something that almost everyone goes through after BC treatment. So glad you both posted! (((HUGS)))
MBJ- You summed it up perfectly in one little sentence- forever changed. I don't think I will ever be able to walk into a hospital, again, without having a flashback to that moment. I remember every sight, sound and smell down to the coolness of the hospital bed railing I had the death grip on as they wheeled me into the O.R. I still find it so surreal.
0 -
I really enjoy reading the posts on this forum - as Kate and others have said, I can so relate to so many of them. I also find writing about my thoughts and experiences on this forum to be a good outlet. I have just not felt like myself for the past week. I've been so down, and although I've been staying busy and going out with friends, etc., I just haven't enjoyed it as much as I usually do. This wave of sadness, anger, and frustration has just come over me - all the emotional feelings that I couldn't/didn't deal with when I was in survival mode and just dealing with all the physical pain, compounded by the stress and frustration of needing to find a job now that I'm "better." I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow (2nd visit this week) - he better give me some good meds (the talk therapy alone just isn't working for me now). Looking forward to the day when we're all feeling so much better!
Dx: 4/20/10, Lumpectomies: 5/7/10, 5/14/10, and 5/21/10, BMX: 6/30/10
Diagnosis: 4/20/2010, DCIS, Stage 0, Grade 3, 0/1 nodes, ER+/PR-0 -
Veggy ~ do you journal? I, too, find I can relate to so much on this site. I'm glad you didn't delete that one post. We are all in this together and you're not the only one feeling this way. I do find journaling helpful. I wrote a monologue about how I was feeling when I was really down in the valley one day. It was sooooo raw. I called it "F.... Cancer!" I read it to my therapist and she had tears running down her face. It was raw and it hurt to even reread it. But I got it out. So whether it's on paper in the privacy of your own home, curled up with or without tears, or here on this site, it's therapeutic to get it out. My therapist has encouraged me to kick or punch my son's punching bag. To be honest, I don't have the energy! But occasionally when I walk by it, I give it a couple kicks and tell cancer what I think of it. It freaks my dog out.... he must think I'm losing it. Truth is - it keeps me sane.
0 -
It may take more than one pill, a higher dose or a combination of different meds to help enough to make it worth take anything at all. For those of you still struggling or wondering why your medication isn't working, please, please let your doctor know. There's no point taking something when it's not enough. You may need a bit extra at certain times as well. I have Lorazapam for "when I feel like killing someone". Those are my doctors' exact words! ehehehheheheheheh
I use the Lorazapam when hit with very stressful news. It helps me get through the crisis without losing it, and then I process it all later.
0 -
barbe1958- When I read your post about never forgetting that human contact the day of your surgery, it really hit a nerve, because I remember feeling the EXACT same way.
I remember being wheeled into my sugery (for left side radical Mastectomy) and sobbed and sobbed, my surgeon and nurse and the Anesthesiologist all consoled me and I cried myself into anesthetic sleep.
The look on their faces and just the feel of my surgeons hand on mine made such a difference.
It really sucks that we have to go though this crap, but I am so thankful that all of you are out there
0 -
Hey! How come you got wheeled into surgery! I thought they just did that still in the states. I had to walk in and step up onto the operating table like I was walking the green mile or something.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ ladym }}}}}}}}}}}}}
0 -
hahaha....only wheeled in wheelchair...I had to climb onto operating table all on my own, well maybe with help since I was hysterical.
0
