Great saying about depression
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They wheeled me into surgery every time. I bawled worse than a baby when they put the port in me. The nurse who wheeled me to the procedure room was crying too. That night I was determined to take the port out myself. My husband ran and made me take the Lorazapam. For the breast surgery I was scared but didn't cry. Thyroid surgery I was joking around with the nurses and surgeon. Got down to the surgery room and panicked when they put the thing over my nose and mouth to put me out and watched them yank my arm to tie it down. Then I fell asleep.
I started to jourmal during the chemo but I stopped. My fingers were hurting from the chemo. Before this I used to write about what was making me mad or upset and then I would burn it. During this, I gave up. That's where I am till this day.
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Hello to all... I also dance with the BiG D..... I often wonder how long I will ride this roller coaster and find a new Grief that comes out of nowhere and lays me flat..... have a hard time getting back up somedays. Life is forever changed on every level.....Mind/ Body/ Soul and all Relationships.....and its hard to relate to anyone who has not lived it.
See your Drs./ therapists/ take meds if even only to get thru ..... pray/ listen to music......take time for yourself to heal and try to be Patient with your self.....
These words help me thru the dark/ light..... music and getting out of the house and being with people keep me grounded and help my sanity....even tho it is hard as I would rather just hole up and be alone.
"Don't worry because you will find the answer if you let it go...just give your self time to falter, don't forgoe...knowing that your are loved no matter what..... .and everything will come around in time........" Sarah McLaughlan
Happy Thursday..... wishing you all Strength and Sanity to get thru the Holiday Season....
(( Blessings))
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I just want to say that I am so glad that I found you all here and big, big hugs to all of you. After 7 days of rain the sun decided to come out and I need to go out and show my face to the world.
Happy day!
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Maybe the sky was depressed too....
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barbe: no doubt! lol.
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Veggy,
I too, am glad you posted. I have done that a few times- wrote something out and then decided ti was too much- over sharing - and deleted it- or maybe just realized it was theraputic to write it, but I didn't really need others to read it. I tend to be more of a reader than a post-er. I post some here and there, but I do a lot more reading than posting. This thread and others are on my favorites list and I log on almost every day. I am two years out from diagnosis. Depression has my personal shadow for most of my life- having bc just made the shadow even darker. I've been on meds for about 10 years, tho I went off for a few months this year.
Meds help me function a lot- but I don't feel like they really help me deal with the darkness- they just help me shut the darkness away in a closet and try to ignore it. I guess I went off meds cause I felt like it was time to open the closet and face it down- but after a few months it took over and I fell into it- had to get back on meds and started seeing a therapist. Now back on meds, part of me just wants to try to close the closet door again. My last session my therapist made me mad by pointing out my relationship with my DH had some threads of the same family pattern of swallowing feelings- I felt like our relationship is great- he's been there for me 100% through the bc, takes wonderful care of me- but neither of us ever complains about things that are bothering us because neither of us likes drama- I feel like the issues between us are minor and not worth bringing up.
In the first session, my therapist gave me the name of a book to read- Narcississtic Family by Pressman- very very good book- and I've came to two subsequent sessions all prepared to discuss stuff about my family and then she just keeps asking stuff about my DH- made me mad and then I started second guessing everything with him- Am I mad at him? - coming out of being off meds- its really easy to get sent into a tailspin- I'll give her one more session, but if she doesn't talk about the stuff I feel is bothering me- (family stuff- dealing with bc? ) UNDER THE BUS!
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Alyad, sometimes things just HAVE to stay in the closet!! With a lock and NO key! They aren't worth revisiting. And you aren't ignoring them as it does take effort to keep that closet closed. You may never deal with them, or someday you may realize they aren't worth the energy and are able to let go.
I think of my depression purely on a medical basis and not "something to get over". It is very freeing that way. If you had to take insulin every day, you wouldn't be embarrassed or ever expect to get off it. I expect to be medicated for the rest of my life. And I like myself this way. This feels more like me so I'd like to stay like this. It's worth the extra pills every day.
I truly believe everyone has a "shadow" but some people ignore it, some move it aside, some deal with it, some hide it some live in it. I don't want to live in my shadow so I drug it into submission. I keep it asleep. That's not denial. I know it's there.
My DH and I don't fight either. There's enough crap in life to have to fight at home. Of course he does things that piss you off and you probably piss him off. But - pick your battles! I save my energy for my health, thanks. Tell your psycho that!
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I think there is medical depression (chemical imbalance) and emotional depression (something really crappy happened to you and now you're trying to deal with it). I think you can have one or the other or both. But I think the second one is maybe the one we are all trying to get over. The first is just one of those facts of life for a lot of us. I'm not trying to deal with my depression here- it is what it is. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the sadness from BC. Today it all washed over me again, ironically enough in the shower, and I just howled to the shower walls.
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Kate,
I think I have both medical and emotional depression. In fact I think my major problem is lack of energy/motivation- Wellbutrin is the only drug that really works well for me- because it is the only one that boosts dopamine levels and gives me some energy. I am thinking I may have an adrenal problem- my thyroid tests normal. I tried taking low dose thyroid medication anyway for awhile, but it didn't seem to do anything.
I looked at my depression as a purely chemical imbalance for along time Barbe, I'm not sure what shifted in my head that I stopped viewing it that way- when I read that- I was like- oh yeah I used to think that. I feel like I have pretty decent understanding of how I ended up depressed- nothing I can do can go back and change my feeling ignored as a child. I guess I fell into the trap of feeling somehow partially responsible for getting bc at 35- somehow that was a manifestation of my swallowing feelings.
I think one of the best things I have gotten out of coming to this site and reading everyone's experiences- it has made me realize- NOBODY can give themself BC- none of us deserved to get it- but guess what- we did. I have a family history of BC- that's why I got it at 35. (didn't know about that when I was first dx).
I have a serious problem with procrastination- I don't eat as well as I should, I don't work out, I don't lose the weight I need to lose, we don't work on the house, I don't get my finances under control. When I was first dx- I tried to tell myself- okay - this will be the kick in the butt I need to get my shit together- BUT now that I've gone through treatment I feel even more drained and depressed and unmotivated to do anything... I just feel stuck and unable to get on with my life.
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Kate you are so right!!!!! But I still hate to hear people say "get over it"....in any form or however they word it. To allow yourself to accept the fact that you need chemical help is just freeing.
We also have to process the loss of our health and grieve so we can begin to heal. I hate when I hear people giving themselves time-frames on that. Who knows how long it will take to accept the way your life is now? As well, you can feel better and then fall back into a tailspin. There's really no way to know when it's "all over".
I am doubly hit, like you said, but feel sorry for people that are feeling like this for the first time. What a double-header!! Cancer AND depression. A shower is a wonderful place to cry. Every tear that falls is taking toxic pain out of your body. Try some visualization as you cry and it becomes cathartic.
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It seems like I'm learning daily how devious this disease works. I thought I was "getting through" the biopsies, mri's, second diagnosis, surgeries etc. It was tough and scary, but with every procedure I fooled myself into thinking I had put it behind me.
But maybe there is a timeline when the horror of this walk boomerangs back to us. As I read some of your posts about being wheeled into surgery, I could so feel those moments. My first mastectomy was 10/08, with my last surgery 3/31/10. I have had a few moments when I'm right back there remembering the IV, the mask, knowing I would wake up forever changed. A nurse friend was with me at most of my surgeries and she said when I woke up from the first mastectomy I said "I don't want to do this" and she said "Candi, it's already done.
I think it's the anger of knowing that with BC you have no choice. Early detection is great, but for most of us you still have to lose a breast(s). I have such a tightness under my foobs and along my LD incision that is with me constantly. I hope that someday it will diminish and cease being a constant reminder of what I've lost.
BTW, I noticed that some of you have written sayings and things in where your diagnosis is, I wanted to include both of my diagnosis, but it only lets you check off one set of stats. Can you tell me how to add info?
Thanks for letting me share. Being afraid of the cancer overshadowed the grief of losing my breasts. Now the sadness of the "forverness" of them being gone is what I'm wading through. I think the reboundiing of the horror of it all, is what has surprised me the most and is what is so hard for most people to understand. You're just suppposed to be over it.
Candi
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((((Kate)))): I so wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug.
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Just wanted to wish warm holiday wishes to all! I hope 2011 is a much healthier and happier year for all of us! Lisa
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Merry Christmas everyone and I hope that we all have a lovely day tomorrow.
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I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Regarding the posts about chemical and emotional depression, it's true that some depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, but often it's caused by certain negative situations - e.g., BC or other diseases, family/marital problems, death of someone close to us, job loss, etc, It is "normal" to feel down/depressed in these situations. Antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications can help with this type of depression as well, but they usually just lessen the intensity of the depression. They can help you to cope better, but they don't "cure" the depression because they don't do anything about the underlying cause. The support of family, friends, fellow BCO forum friends, and time itself help one heal and get through the difficult times. Hoping 2011 will bring all of us much happiness!
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And I think many of us suffer from PTSD as well as the depression.....
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Yes, many of us are suffering from PTSD, I spoke with a therapist who said it's fairly common among BC survivors. This is just the gift that keeps on giving :-( Again, here's hoping for a much better new year for all of us!
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I definitely agree with the PTSD. Tomorrow is my "cancerversary"- one year ago I got my DX. It feels more like the day I went off to war. I feel like I'm home now, missing two appendages and life just doesn't feel the same.
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(((Hugs)))) Kate.
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Kate I have been away from the site for a few days. I hope the 27th was a day that you were able to get through with love and support. I am sitting in our condo in Mackinaw City Michigan. We have not been able to get here since October 20009. It has always been a place to relax and get away. First get away for us in over a year. I am sad. Tomorrow is one year anniversary of bilateral mx. Will everything always be overshadowed by BC? I just don't feel the same. The person I was is gone. Each of us has had something taken from us. Does the gapping hole in your heart ever fill in? Will it always be feeling like you are just getting through. Feeling happy one second then remembering because you see yourself or feel the pressure of the implant or hear the words? Spent several hours with a friend who has end stage MS. Just had to be moved to a nursing home.
She is 54. Then I feel ashamed for feeling sad. I don't know I like all of you are just sad and weary of it
Dear sisters of BC I wish for all of you a peace you can always return to.0 -
((((Kate)))) I know just how you feel except that I lost one appendage and I am scared of losing the other. I hope you made it through yesterday and I apologize for not being there for you. I am trying to work a little here and there so I can start to feel normal again. I think that it's going to take some time before we all start to feel somewhat normal and the one year mark is the most difficult. Last year this time I was doing chemo and mostly feeling awful and not celebrating anything. This year I am going through the motions of Christmas but I feel as if I am just trying to find out who I am now and I am not so sure of myself as I was before.
(((Determined))): I have a friend who is stage four and went through all of this a year and a half before me and she is ten years younger then I am. Nothing is working for her and it's so much worse then where I am right now, yet, it could be me. MS is another devastating disease and a horrible way to die. I am so sorry you have to experience this and that your friend has been handed this life sentence. Life can be so devestating sometimes.
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I am going through the motions of life. Forcing myself to get out of bed. Hating the new person I am. Sometimes I let myself feel happy but that feeling isn't a part of me for long. I pass by a mirror or see a picture of me from before this experience and the reminder is too much for me to bear. Breast cancer stinks. It stole the me I was. I now paint on a smile, force a laugh but the me that I know now is just an act. I don't feel sincere/real to myself. I wonder how I come across to others?
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Veggy,
My heart goes out to you. I feel the same way. My husband found an article that says it takes a women on average two years to come to acceptance after losing a breast/breasts. Everyone had their own time table but that helped me to understand this is not an overnight process and it needs the time it deserves. It is a huge loss and diagnosis that most people don't have a clue about. That it is hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. That we are forever changed if we have lost a breast on so many levels.For those with a lumpectomy they are changed as well. I went into this feeling so confident and positive and came out with my knees knocked out from under me. My husband keeps reminding me feel the emotions allow them as they are normal and a part of all of it. Today is the first year anniversary of my bilateral mastectomy and I feel numb. Still in shock that it even happened. Do you go to a support group. It does help to talk with women who can related because they have walked it. My heart goes out to you. I am giving you a hug. I too feel happy for fleeting moments. I am hoping with time the moments will last longer. Be gentle with yourself.
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Ladies, I'm so sorry to see you feel this way. I feel the same way too. In the middle of chemo, then rads etc...I keep thinking will this ever end. I loved my life and feel like it's slipped away or forever changed, now what? Dr. appointments, screening, fear, ah yes the fear. Cry is you must and mourn but be grateful we have a chance to move on? Easier said than done. My DH actually said to me yesterday, move on. HOW? I'm in the middle of chemo and always have this nagging feeling what happens if I do all this and it returns or worse? Then what?
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Thanks for all the hugs, girls. I made it through my cancerversary yesterday and, yes, there was wine involved. I wanted to toast and say, "Here's to kicking cancer's ass" but I still feel like I'm on the ground and it's kicking me. Veggy, you said it best when you said "It stole the me I was." My 14 year old son told me yesterday that I am so serious now and that I've forgotten how to have fun. I felt so horrible. (I obviously am not putting on my fake happy smile enough around the house.) (Where is that thing? I set it down around here somewhere.....)
I feel like people think because I'm not "over it" yet that now I'm just being a big fat drama queen. In reality, though, this is the toughest frickin' part of this whole thing. So unexpected and so hard. It makes me want to write a book about this part of BC that no one talks about- the aftermath. If it wouldn't be against BCO rules I would quote (with permission of course) a hundred women on here. Then those that have this disease or are married, related, friends with or work with someone who has this disease would understand that it's not over when the stitches heal.
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You can't POSSIBLY "get over it" while you're still in chemo!!!!!
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Well said gals!!!
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One of the things that strikes me is that many of the ladies here are not far from the date of dx or surgries or treatments. Barbe is right in that one doesn't just "get over it". Coming to terms with cancer dx and whatever treatment options are chosen and the results of treatment take TIME, lots and lots of time...not time as in a few weeks or months or a year. This is a devistating event under the best of circumstances; I believe Barbe often says "you don't have to be brave, you just have to show up" and THAT take a strength and an effort and courage that many people don't have and will never understand. Give yourselves a break, be kind and gentle to you, just as you would be to a friend or family member. Cry, yell, break a dish or two, be afraid...its ok. Take drugs if it helps make this easier to deal with...won't make things go away but it sure makes all the scarey things easier to deal with (not easy, but easier). Do what YOU need to do to get thru this; this is not about what others think - its about what helps you.
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Determined - here's a big hug back.
I have gone to two cancer support groups. Being shy I hardly speak up bt sit there and listen. By the time I get my nerve, the meeting is just about over. I have gone to two counselors But insurance only covers half and I can't afford the other half.
Today I am not as down. I started crocheting again. There is a group on here called the Community Afghan. I started crocheting squares for them. Crocheting puts me into a place deep in my mind and I can reason with myself in that spot. Probably sounds weird.
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement.
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Veggy doesn't sound weird at all! Crafts heals the soul. Interestingly enough, I haven't done crafts in the last 2 years. We've moved (October) and I have yet to set up my craft room. It's the last room to do....we've even painted the laundry room in the basement! My new years resolution.....I even bought 2 craft magazines today!
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