Great saying about depression
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Baxter- What a wonderfully moving post. It sums up exactly what I'm feeling so much, lately. Thank you for sharing with us. I think every time I read that someone else is feeling the same way I do, I feel a little less alone in all of this.
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Thanks Kate,
Your response helps me not to feel so alone as well. My husband is still very kind, but he is soooo tired of all of this, and who could blame him after two years of nothing but a cancer consumed existence. In the beginning our loved ones give all they can during the crisis phase; and when the surgeries and treaments are over, it is then that our real grieving and emotional turmoil kicks in and the support systems of our loved ones is tapped dry. They want us to let go of the pain, so they can feel relief too.
My husband was incredible through this. He bought the book "Breast Cancer Husband" when I was diagnosed. He even covered the mirrors in the bathroom and changed my bandages the first two weeks after surgery because I couldn't bare to see what had been done. I think to have experienced such an incredible level of support in the beginning makes it harder now to feel so alone during the emotional piece. But, I think men are generally better with the "doing" phase than the "feeling" phase.
They don't realize that it's hard to move on when you feel a constant "iron bra" tightness and are always aware of these foreign things moving inside your chest. I have read that these things get better with time, but it's surrendering to the new reality that gets me stuck in sadness sometimes.
Barbe - I can't believe your surgeon actually said " save the big guns for next time." What a jerk. Most of us are trying to get through this nightmare with hopes of a long future and this guy is pretty much hummimg a chorus of "I'll be seeing you!" Ask him if he's been getting his sensitivity training from "House!."
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Baxter- Wow! Your post about your DH is right on as well. My DH was incredible during treatment- drove me to every appointment (4 hours round trip), slept in the hospital room with me after every surgery, waited on me hand and foot at home, stripped my drains for me, etc. But now he wants his wife back and I'm not sure where she is. I can't remember where I placed her last. I know his big fear is that she will never come back. I think it's mine, too.
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Baxter the statement "the brokeness in my heart that lies behind the implant" says it all. Yes I miss the loss of touch so much. It just changes the dynamics so much. To be frank what are you suppose to do.......... pretend like you feel it. Just lie there. It is just weird. My husband says that is what he hates the most ...... that I can't feel him touch me because he knows what a loss that is. He is so wonderful.
You try to do this with grace but we need to share the honest truth about what a terrible disease this is. That it is not over after the surgery. That it is a physical as well as emotional and spirtual journey. That it is never cured. That there is never a day you are not reminded because you feel it 24/7 and each time you see yourself it is there........ Is that doing a disservice? Do we need to be graceful but not back away from how difficult it is.
I think so because only then will people truly understand. Only then will they understand the need for ongoing support of the one they know going through this horrible thing. Ony then will there be a move away from the damn cute pink ribbon stuff that has become a marketing thing and not truly focused on the disease.
Sorry I am done. I think we need to do this with grace and honesty and I think the women on this thread are doing just that. I am so impressed and thankful for each of you.
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Determined- Wow! You girls are powerful writers. I feel as though I could copy and paste and have a best seller on our hands. Your post moved me so much. It's amazing when you read something that resonates inside of you and your heart screams, "Yes, that's it, exactly!" It's an amazing feeling and you're suddenly not alone in a little room somewhere sitting in front of a computer screen but connected to so many others in a second. Thank you.
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Kate33 Oh my gosh, that is what I have been saying over and over. I don't know where the old Determined is. She is gone and will never be the same. How can we be. That makes me so sad. How long does it take to be able to put it in the background instead of it constantly being in front of your face. Only a second away in thought. I often wonder when I am in Costco or church, "I wonder how many women in here have had breast cancer and then and how many lost their breasts" Is that weird?
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Baxter-
I hope you don't mind but I just sent my DH a copy of part of your post. You verbalized beautifully what I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to explain to him for the past 6 months. And boy, do you understand men. I think we're married to twin sons of different mothers. It's so comforting to get on these boards and "talk" to ladies who "get it". Thanks for your insight.
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Determined .. I used to wonder the same thing when I was in the stores. Every time I saw a pink cap or t-shirt, I wanted to run up to the woman and say something!
As the years go by, those thoughts go further into the background .. at least they have for me. Yes, I am changed forever .. the fear of it coming back never leaves .. but it does get quieter.
The longer out you get the better it will be.
Sending hugs,
Bren
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Kate,
That's what emotions do...many a written word can flow through the internet and land on our computers, but some depths can only be felt by those of us who have been tethered together by this disease.
Determined - no need to say "you are done." You expanded on what I feel as well. I know not all women feel the same about losing their breasts, and I may be in a different place emotionally a year from now, But I wish they would create a new breast cancer logo that could take the letters B and C and form them into a broken heart that would somehow relay that the heart is strong but it has been broken. Yes, I'm a survivor and I'm very grateful, but I'm not the same. I don't feel like cheering or climbing a mountain because I'm through this (for now!) I've lost something precious and so has my husband.
I hope to always strive to exibit grace in my life. How terrible it would be to go through this journey and not offer hope in the form of grace. And Determined, I believe that honesty walks hand in hand with grace. I appreciate your words and understand completely how you feel.
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Girls, I hope no one minds but I just printed out this entire thread and gave it to my DH. I told him that reading it would give him a greater understanding of the place I am in right now. And that I didn't need him to fix things (like men like to do) but to merely understand me. I don't want anyone's sympathy, or even empathy but I do need them to know that this is a road I have to travel at my own pace. I cannot speed up the mourning of my losses or the acceptance of my new reality. So I hope now, through all of your wonderful words, that he will see why this part of BC is really the hardest part. Much harder than any of the tests, treatments or surgeries. Thank you.
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I am reading so much depth of sadness but one thing is resonating. Some of you have gone through the extra hell of reconstruction with all the pain and extra surgeries, disappointments and final undraping. I didn't do all that. What I am hearing is a huge disappointment that for all your extra efforts you still had/have breast cancer. For all the extra efforts of surgeries you have no sensation response. For the additional pain, ironically enough you lost feeling.
You did all that to make yourself whole again and you aren't. You are different. But not whole. Were we ever whole though? Can any of you positively say "I was a whole woman before. I had no physical or emotional gaps or deficiencies."? I don't think so, but I think when we make so much effort to become 'one' again and we can't, are we just expecting too much?
I bow to those of you who had the guts to try to put Humpty Dumpty together again.
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Determined,
I agree that the "inability to escape" is probably the worst part of the entire experience. It's always there. Always in the back of our minds. I can say, though, that I'm finally adjusting and accepting after almost 2 years. It took me a long, long time. And, still I find myself in denial at times.
I've been on Celexa and think it has done wonders for my state of mind, with no SEs. Also, I agree that exercise helps considerably, if you are able to.
Hugs,
Lane
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This site is amazing. I thought I was finished with everything, the surgeries, the chemo, even adjusting to the tamoxifen. And then 1 year to the date the Anxiety hits me like a train wreck. People say I look and act calm and in all actuality I am ready to jump out of my skin. Dealing with "normal stuff" kids in college, mother having health issues, AND check ups for BC just seemed too much. I went to my regular doc who immediately put me on Celexa- which started a whole lot more questioning- why can't I deal with this w/out meds?? Whats wrong with me? Your quote is perfect. My DH is urging me to make sure this is a short term solution, but like you all are saying, it will have to work on my own schedule. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was losing my 16yr old Jack Russell Terrier last month. He was my stress reliever and I miss him so much. DH doesn't want another dog, so I guess he will have to deal with a wife on antidepressants!
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kshep- I am so sorry about your dog. They are definitely stress relievers and so much more. It's hard at any time to lose a beloved pet but right now it's just one more loss, on top of many, and very hard to bear. I'm glad you got help and I wish there still wasn't such a stigma in regards to anti-depressants. If you were diagnosed with diabetes and had to take insulin your DH wouldn't give it a second thought. Depression is just a chemical imbalance within the brain that can happen for many reasons. It's not a sign of weakness. I say take it as long as it makes you feel better.
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I agree with Kate and was a bit disappointed that your DH said to make this a short term solution. Who knows how long it will take you to heal? Did you know it's like someone dying? You have the right to go through all the stages of grief. Only thing is, you didn't get the chance cause you were too busy getting back to health. I have taken antidepressants for over 30 years and am NOT ashamed to admit it. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. That's all it is....
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Thanks, Kate and Barbe, this site helped me thru the chemo and now I see it will help me with the mental aspect of LIVING with this disease as well. DH means well, and has been supportive. He sees the outside healed and thinks the inside should be ok too. Only 2 days on Celexa and I already feel calmer, so that is good.
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kshep- Yeah to feeling calmer!!!
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kshep dogs teach us so much don't they. I am sorry for the loss of your pet. That unconditional love that is so rare and precious. My husband has shown such unconditional love this past year. I am in awe of him. Yesterday was the day a year ago I found out I needed a biopsy.From that point on the world changed forever. I was tearful off and on all day. Is that weird? I think these milestones, the biopsy date the surgery date etc will be difficult days. Were they for those of you who have been a year out or more?
We were talking about Elizabeth Edwards at my mastectomy support group this week. The grace she displayed. I spoke up and said that is wonderful but the other piece is we need to do it with grace AND honesty. The honesty to say it is hard and painful and not over when the incisions heal. That the loss is forever and deep. If we don't then we will continue to have people think it is a simple thing cut out the cancer and move on. We can be honest which will in turn help the women that unfortunately will follow in our foot steps.
I think whatever someone needs to do to help take this journey is what needs to happen. Whether it is medication, yoga, etc. I think though no matter what we do we will always have a layer we carry. The layer can be made up of so many emotions and they are dynamic and change from day to day. What a challenge for those who love us.
Have a peace filled day ladies.
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Have any of you gained weight on a certain anti-depressant? My son took something - forgot what it was and gained 30 pounds in what seemed like weeks
Yea I have heard that "anger turned inward" but I don't think that is what I an experiencing
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If find there are different definitions of depression. I know I have experienced it as:
Sadness
Desperation
Anger
Melancholy
Anxiety
Hopelessness
Suicidal
Panic
Manic
Helplessness
Weakness
Sleepiness
Lackluster
and on, and on, and on. That's why you have to try different ones and even combinations to make sure that you cover your needs. You have the right to feel 'normal' and we have the technology!
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I was watching a TV drug commercial last night and started to cry when it mentioned all my symtoms one by one! Everyone here understands. Hugs to everyone
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Melly, I think crying over a depression commercial is one of the signs! {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}
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Hello Ladies
I just found this thread and it really touched so much in my heart. I am struggling with a deep sadness and now anger. I dont' have the desire to do anything I used to do--I loved my job and it is such a chore to get through the day. I am so angry all the time and it's affecting so much of my life.
I had DCIS in one breast and all the docs kept telling me "you don't have cancer". Okay, then why did I need surgery, radiation and/or mastectomy and maybe 5 years of chemoprevention???? I feel like I don't deserve to be upset or worried or traumatized because my diagnosis was not really cancer. For those women who had/have invasive bc and went through so much more than I had to endure, I am sorry for writing this....I know that you have endured so much more and have had to deal with so much more. I feel that I don't have a right to feel what I feel. I cannot talk to my friends--it's boring and I dont' want to be a broken record.
My DH was wonderful through my treatment--amazing man. He does not deserve a wife who is sad and angry all the time. I have felt depressed before but I am always able to shake it off.
Baxter your words about not being able to feel your breasts pricked my soul. I needed to read that because I have been denying to myself that the numbness mattered at all. I have the added struggle of dealing with surgical menopause (had both surgeries in the same month) which brings another layer to the intimacy issues.
Thanks for understanding and kindness.
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Good Sunday Morning Ladies -
I've definitely had nearly all the feelings Barbe listed. I'm an extreme hyper-sleeper - 10 hours is not a problem for me at all. Definitely having a real hard time getting motivated to do anything. Haven't put up any Christmas decos yet; still putting the finishing touches on our kitchen cabinet paint job and trying to set things back where they belong. This has definitely left me feeling "displaced".
I'm starting my 2nd week of weaning off prozac and will add effexor next week. Haven't noticed any significant differences yet.
I'm planning to go back to work on Jan 3rd, part-time at first. I can't help but feel like I've accomplished little in the 6 months I've been off, and now there's only 3 weeks left. My employer is very big on getting certifications in things like project management, info security, etc. I could have been doing some online training stuff but I've not even touched it. Going back to work is not my choice; DH has been unemployed for many years and I'm the sole income provider (and medical benefits!) so I can't choose to not go back at all.
Anyway, maybe if I get the kitchen put back together and do some baking I'll feel better!
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Hadley, you have Papillary Carcinoma as well? Have I already talked to you? There is only one other person on here with it. It's less thatn 2% of all breast cancers. Very rare.
With 2 years on this board, I have seen more women with DCIS have mastectomies than Stage IV gals....
You know, I was so relieved to not have to do chemo and rads that the comment didn't even hit me as "wrong" until this thread! Go figure!
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Your support and {{hugs}} mean so much.
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determined- I've heard a lot of women say that it is very emotional when coming up on milestones. Just another aspect of BC that was unexpected. (It's the disease that just keeps on giving!) I'm coming up on 1 year since DX and it's been kind of difficult for me, too. I like what you wrote about needing honesty along with grace. I think it is something that is sorely lacking in this whole experience.
speech- Glad you found us. This thread has been such a great place to still be able to talk about all these feeling when our friends/family are just a little tired of talking about it. I, too, had DCIS in just one breast so I can definitely relate to what you're feeling. I think sometimes people have this mistaken impression that just because you didn't go through chemo and lose all your hair that it must not have been so bad. Don't they realize most of us lost our breasts? Breasts don't grow back.
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Wow-I just read through all of your posts after hearing about this thread from Kate. It's as if everything I have been feeling has finally been put into words. I can't seem to get anything done, haven't any interest in anything, just, plain miserable. I keep thinking I am just tired, or wiped out from the chemo and surgeries, but it isn't going away. I have tried anti depressants in the past and they didn't work. I weaned myself off them after meeting my husband and changing jobs almost 9 years ago. Now I just feel as if I have a cloud following me everywhere I go and my life is really good. Except that my get up and go has got up and went. Thanks all of you for sharing--it's as if you reached inside me and shared all of my deepest, darkest secrets.
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