Great saying about depression
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Stanzie - Sounds like your friend has rocked her look and has been fortunate to have been surrounded by people like you who see what truly defines her is what comes from her heart and soul. Good for her and good for you for supporting her. Each of us has to find our own path and I am with you that we should celebrate and support each other's choices.
MBJ - Hurts just to think about what you are going through. Yes, you are right, time is a healer and this too shall pass. I'll have my girls send you some of their special medicinal Yorkie kisses for a speedy recovery.
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Kate, you made me laugh 'invasion of the body snatchers' is about right but they only got my boobs!
My bs mentioned fat grafting to me on top of my implants to create fullness but that was after I had been in to see the PS, so I thought I would wait to ask the PS when I see her in a month for the revision on the latissimus dorsi flap side and she takes the loose fat out from under my arm.
I actually never have told my husband how weird my implants feel and he doesn't ever ask anything. That's his way - don't ask and it won't effect him. Outside when I am gardening I have to be careful to not punch a branch through one of the implants. Can you see that - walking into the PS office with a branch sticking out of a tit?
MBJ - sorry to hear about your 'non'vacation'vacation'. Now you deserve another real vacation!
I do think someone should have reconstruction only if they want it. I had first a lumpectomy, then a revision of the lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, a breast reduction on the good one and found pre-cancerous cells so in March had a DMX with a latissismus dorsi flap on the radiation side with 200cc silicone implants. Overall I am really happy with all of it. I have recovered from losing the back muscle and do lots of heavy lifting and work in the gardens. I still find it weird to have boobs without feeling that are cool to touch but I can live with it. I also could of dealt with not having any reconstruction as I just wanted to decrease my chance of ever ever ever having breast cancer again! If someone judges me by my boobs, then I don't need them in my life.
As many of us have said, this has smothered out my sex life with my DH, but I do have hopes of it returning one day...........
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I just want to weigh with a conversation I had with my BBF. Over the past seven years I've had tests, biopsies, and three lumpectomies before I went ahead with the BNSM on 6/27. She has been there for the most part, but I was really disappointed as I was heading for my big surgery band she was unavailable. This is when I needed her most!
She surprised me one night and showed up after work at my house. She runs a hospice program,so she understands fear, pain, denial, etc. She told me "you are missing the part that I am grieving too! It hurts to hear what you are going through and it scares me." She was grieving the possible lost of her BBF. She told me that she had to stay away for a coulpe of weeks because she was processing her own fear and grief over my situation.
That shocked me. I was only thinking what I needed and didn't realize my cancer was affecting her sleep, work, health, etc. We made an agreement that we both needed to check in and supporrt each other. . I only had DCIS, but she doesnt understand all of that. I now ask her how she is doing and what does she need to stay engaged with me. Believe it or not, it has helped for her to see what's being done to my body. I gladly showed her my partially reconstructed breasts and now her empathy and compassion is strong.
I have had some friends disappear, but I have learned it says more about their emotional balance and ability "to go there" than about me personally. I would encourage everyone who has a BBF that seems distant to ask them how yr DX is affecting them.0 -
LindseyS,
I here what you are saying and what your BBF has been going through. It is so wonderful you two didn't let time pass by without having your talk.
It's made me think. I know when I was first diagnosed last year my teenage son and husband were worried I was going to die (soon). Many friends (though not best friends) just stayed away and I now think it really scared them that me, a non drinker, non smoker, exerciser and eater of healthy foods ended up with breast cancer. I think it scared them of their own mortality.
I am so lucky that my two BFF, Jan on Kauai (where I used to live) and Melodie (here in Doonan with me) never stayed away. Now, Jan may of been miles away, but she called twice weekly and offered to quit her job and come take care of me and my family. Melodie, as busy as she is here with their business, two children and so many things going on, has always had time for me, including driving 4 hours round trip to visit me in the hospital in March when I had my DMX - in fact she was my only visitor for 10 days.
Anytime we have a BFF we need to move forward and reach out too - it works both ways - even when we are dealing with BC.
Emotional balance - that is something I can admit to lacking at times in my life.
Take care of each other..........
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So many posts, so little time, but I want to comment on all of them! I really need to keep up!
Starak- Welcome! I'm sorry you are looking at a possible revision when you were so clear with your doctor about what you wanted your end result to be. This road sometimes ends up being so much longer than we thought it would be. You said you were having a hard time finding photos. There is a separate site that is run by BCO members where women post their photos so others can see what to expect. You have to post quite a bit here to get admittance (just to make sure everyone is legit). Try to get your postings up and then PM one of the following members- MBJ, Lilah, Estepp, Timtam or whippetmom. They'll PM you back with instructions on how to join.
cmblastic- Happy early Birthday! I was in the midst of my stuff on my 50th birthday last year. (I was supposed to go to Italy for my 50th. Instead I got my TE out. Instead of red wine I got Percoset. Sigh!) You asked about our recons. I went with TE/implants but had a lot of issues. I started developing CC, hated the way the implants felt and had a lot of rippling. I had a revision in May at the Miami Breast Center. My PS swapped out the implants for smaller ones and then did fat grafting over the top. Everything feels and looks so much better. You should check it out since you're in Florida. (miamibreastcenter.com) The PS, Dr. Khouri, can create entire breasts using only fat, too- no implants! With his method you can retain/regain sensation and it works great for radiated skin.
Stanzie- I agree that most PS's think we want to be bigger than we really do. I think it's from doing boob jobs all day long. I wish they would at least tell women who are doing recon with implants how much heavier the implants are than breast tissue. I would have chosen a much smaller implant in the beginning if they'd shown me how heavy they were.
MBJ- Sorry you're feeling blue! (((((((BIG HUG!!!!!!!)))))))))
justagirl- Now it's you that made me laugh as I was picturing you walking around with a branch in your boob! Hmm, maybe I'll tell my DH about this danger so I can get out of yard work!
Lindsey- I think it's wonderful that you and your BFF were able to open up to each other before there were misunderstandings that damaged the friendship. Unfortunately, I lost 2 close girlfriends through all this. One I talked to about how I was feeling and she discounted my feelings saying she had been there for me. (One 5 minute visit and an offer for mani/pedis a week after my BMX, during a 4 month period, does not consitute "being there" in my book.) The other I wrote a heartfelt letter and she said she was having a hard time with her empty nest syndrome so couldn't be there for me. I've never heard from her again after a 30 year friendship. Apparently, your BFF is a little more evolved than mine were. Oh well....
Hope everyone is having a lovely, depression-free, weekend!
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Claire so sorry when I posted my comment it was after reading your comment on my phone and I guess it cut off some of your post. I hope you FIL and Dad are doing well. Glad they caught your dad's heart issues before something else happened. Thankfully he went in for a stress test!! Most men don't take care of themselves until something bad happens. I hope they are both recovering nicely from their procedures. Good luck with you drs appt Tuesday. Happy early BIRTHDAY from me as well!! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Starak WELCOME! Glad you found this thread. Recon is a personal choice for everyone. I personally could not imagine not having recon but then again I had righty mx so needed to balance myself out. I wish I didn't put so much on how my boobs look ...but I do. I think I am driving my PS crazy. I want fat grafting but where I need it my PS said is too close to the implant and he was afraid of puncturing the implant. He told me to massage it and we"ll see how it is in a couple of months. I am scheduled to get my tattoo in October. YIKES I am most nervous about having my extremely cutie patootie PS working on my while I am awake. Weird. I will have to double up on Ativan that day LOL.
MBJ I am sorry you are blue. I hate just when you feel on the mend and something else knocks you back down. I hope today is a better day.
Justagirl I am so sorry you have been through so much. One thing I was most grateful for in this journey was a BS that was very throrough. The last thing I wanted was a lumpectomy to eventually need an mx. I had an MRI two days before my lumpectomy was scheduled that revealed 3 more tumors. What a rollercoaster you've been on. I am glad you are happy with the end results. It definitely feels good to be DONE.
Lindsey I hear what you are saying and I did realize how hard it was for my friends. BUT some people really disappointed me in ways that can not be forgiven. Its ok cause I am very lucky to have a very large circle of friends. Part of my problem too is I need to get back in the game. I am almost there but not quite. Most of my single friends go to the beach and bars all summer and I am just not up for that right now, maybe next summer.
Kate sent you a PM in case you were feeling left out.
Have a great weekend everyone!!
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Thanks Diane. My dad's procedure is actually Monday, because of he had to be off his coumadin for at least 2 days before surgery. I'm hoping for a quick and easy cath!!
I hate to be debbie-downer, but this weekend is just not off to good start. I got a call from work telling me that I screwed up somebody's vaca pay (two weeks in row,different person tho) and there is no way to fix it over the weekend. Its the two weeks in a row part that gets me in trouble--plus just knowing that a min wage employee can't pay her bills because of me. . . And the joy of being written up by my boss for my FU. I really am getting tired of making stupid repetitive mistakes. I even made lists that day of all I needed to do and I missed that crucial step. ARRGGH. Definitelygoing to be an Ativan day at work for me today.
the problem is my memory is shot to hell. Last night after leaving my DS band concert I went to get in the car--mosquitoes were chewing me alive---and I couldn't find our car. Granted its not a big parking lot and I even used the remote lock opener hoping to see the lights go on and off. Finally had to call my husband for him to give me directions. It wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't have happened twice before this week. Vistiting my FIL for his surgery--mind you at the same hospital parking garage that I have been going to almost weekly/monthly for my TXs-- I got lost for 20 minutes. Started having a panic attack, and then just got plain angry with myself for having to go thru this. Guess I'll have to start taking pictures on my phone to remind me where I park!!
So I am off to work, with that lump in my throat and my heart racing. Wish I could call in sick. Sorry to unload here, I just had to say something to someone. My DH was busy watching soccer and responded by telling my that I need to make better lists. Thanks, that's a big help. Got to remember what to put on the list to begin with.
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Claire, I've had every vacation pay for 4 years screwed up by my company. It kills me!!!! At one point, I wasn't going to be able to pay the moving trucks as I was moving on my vacation and asked to be paid before I went on holidays in stead of when I came back! So, you're not the only one that screws it up - trust me!!
DiDel, if I had only one breast off, I would have had recon. It would have been too much of an imbalance.
Kate, my breasts weighed 6+ pounds. I weighed myself the night before my surgery and then 2 days later. So accounting for weight GAIN from surgery, that's still a lot of breast tissue! I knew they weighed a lot as they ruined my neck and back with arthritis!!
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Claire- You've had chemo, are in menopause and are on Tamoxifen so you've got the trifecta when it comes to memory loss. Research shows it can take up to a year to recover from chemo brain alone. I know you feel bad about what happened at work. Is it possible to write the employee, explain and apologize. Hopefully, they will empathize with what you are and have gone through. (((hugs)))
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Claire you poor thing! I hope your day was ok. I talked to my client about everything I was going through (I do tax consulting) and I have been working on these deals for 10 years..this year my brain is mush. I apologized to my client for not making mistakes but being a little mish brain on conference calls or taking longer to answer her tax questions. i used to know these deals inside and out. Well i thought she'd give the usual "its ok" but instead she said she thought I was AMAZING for being able to focus and remember as much as I have and to have worked so hard on getting things done timely. It was just what I needed to hear. My client is so understanding because her BFF went thru BC and she took her to chemo and helped her as much as possible. I hope you can articulate to your bosses why they need to cut you some slack. I've been very upfront about my mush brain. I was talking to another BCO sister and we were saying how we did "brain exercises" all during chemo to try to stay sharp. I do hope they went easy on you and you need to give yourself a break as well.
Also, I went to acupuncture this morning my friend squeeeeeeezed me in.. I love her. I feel so much better Really is miracle cure.
On a lighter note...my dog just ate an entire stick of butter.
I was getting it to room temperature in preparation of cupcake baking. Now I gotta start all over! Also its like a monsoon today and I've gotten caught in it twice...two pairs of completely soaked running shoes.
Once my cupcakes are done and the wine is cracked open...today will be better.
Diane
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Thanks ladies for the virtual hugs. I feel them from here. Mush brain is probably the SE I like the least of this whole BC. Don't like feeling incompetent.
Diane your dog must be related distantly to the dog I had growing up. She ate birthday cakes, 2 of mine and one of my dads. Great dog, just had a thing for birthday cakes!!!
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Hi Ladies,
I have actually had a few good days in a row - it's almost scary........
Kate - I'll let you know if I manage to shove a stick through one of my implants - oh well, at least it's not into my lung! My husband says me with a chainsaw is an accident waiting to happen....hasn't happened yet!
barbe1958 - I am with you about not liking to wear a bra - never have and now that I have ping-pong ball size implants (225cc) or maybe a small lemon, I just wear camisoles. No bra straps cutting into my shoulders anymore.
DiDel - bet your dog loved that whole cube of butter! My dog (60 pounds of border collie) is on a diet so she is always on the hunt for food. When I get the mixer out to mix up a cake or cookies she sits patiently right by the sink and after I finish with the batter, barks if I try to put the bowl in the sink to wash up without letting her lick it first. Ha, and I wonder why she's fat. She actually gained her extra weight last year when I was diagnosed and throughout my treatment when I spent so much time in bed or lying on the couch. My hyper companion would only leave my side to do her business outside and then run back in to me. I owe it to her and in her best interest to get the extra weight off her. It's probably why I don't gain weight as I never can finish whatever I start eating as she begs me to share.
cmblastic - be kind to yourself with your memory loss and mistakes. Heck, we all make mistakes! Between chemo, surgeries, BC worries and hormone pills I would be shocked if any of us has escaped making mistakes and forgetting things. I finished chemo a year ago and still I ask my husband something and he patiently tells me he already told me and I swear I don't remember. I go to the grocery store to specifically buy something and that's the one thing I forget to buy. I think parking garages are really confusing because all the floors look the same to me and if it's attached to a hospital it's worse due to the anxiety. Maybe you could jot a note in the parking garage as the columns usually have numbers or letters or it's by the elevator or stairs. Put the note in your purse with your keys.
Hope you all had some good moments this past weekend. I'm hoping this is the beginning of having more good moments than bad!
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Hi Ladies! Debbie I love your doggie story. Charlie is an Aussie on the larger size. He just turned a year and weighs in at 72 lbs. He is not fat just big. He is pretty good about not begging but if I am in the living room and he is not under my feet he is usually up to something.
I had a cat during my treatment.My beloved Chloe was 22 and passed away right before my second chemo. All during surgery and first chemo she was all over me. She never left my side. She used to sniff me after chemo and make this face like WHY THE HELL DO YOU SMELL LIKE THAT. I miss her every day...although I love my Sadie and Charlie, Chloe just cant be replaced.
It is absolutely pouring today!!! Another rainy day with nothing to do. Im guesing tomorrow will be gorgeous.
Diane
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Sometimes I think that if I wasn't fighting depression every single day that I wouldn't have any fight left in me at all. What with Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, BC, OA of the spine, stupid UTIs often, no sex, no friends, kids with lots of needs, and constant chores piling up... OHH! No wonder I get depressed!! Talking to my Therapist for 50 minutes twice a month is more like a social venting opp, rather than therapy. And now the co-pay is $45/visit. Gonna have to cut that to once a month.
I try, really hard, to be creative. I admit my efforts aren't nearly as artistic as they used to be, but it always makes me feel better to try making something out of parts or paints or charcoal. It doesn't heal me as completely as it used to, but now there are financial worries and insurance worries, dh's business worries and DD is pregnant again worries.Aging mothers, fender benders, vandals, running out of necessary supplies, wondering how in the world we will ever retire worries. My yard/garden has overgrown it's self, there are sink holes in the yard. The car rolled over 108,880 miles and it's tires are suspect. It's headliner is falling fast too. The household carpet is 27 years old. Got craigslist find furniture on the patio.
I can hardly believe I'm on disability.(I've ALWAYS been self-sufficient and a dedicated worker). Harder to meet the bills every month and eat too. Haven't bought any new clothes in 3 years, only got new shoes this year because insurance covers them. Been wearing the same eyeglasses for 5 years now and the temple pieces don't match the frames anymore. Don't know how I will afford new ones. Don't even try for contacts.
I usually moan and groan in bitchy thread, but sometimes just feel more depressed than bitchy, like the sadness takes my mo-jo and flushes it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH It's like falling into a long, long dark tunnel. and having nothing to hold on to. There's still light at the end, thank god, Guess when the light goes out, we die?
I won't give up. I will never give up. Not when I KNOW there's a way, somehow, with the grace of God and one strong hand to hold the rope. There's got to be a way out of this. With education, friends like you and some last tendril of hope for better days. I'll just keep hanging on, as long as I can. Thanks for listening.
Connie
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Claire- Maybe print out some literature about chemo brain from some reputable sites and take it into your boss? I don't think a lot of people realize this is a legitimate SE and that it can last a long time.
Connie- Take BC and any one of the issues on your list and it is a lot. For me, every single added one seems to weigh twice as much. I just read an article about middle aged women that said a lot are suffering from extreme levels of stress. (No, you think?) They are caught in the middle between taking care of teenagers and aging parents at the same time, while working a job they have to have, worry about retirement and dealing with menopause. Most are so busy there's no time for exercise or eating right so that just exaberates the crappy way they feel. Now toss in a dose of depression and a huge heaping plate of BC and it's no wonder so many of us can feel the way we do. Call it depression, lack of mojo or just plain bitchiness but sometimes it can just feel like the joy of life is gone. I think it's still there. It's just been squashed right now. I, too, didn't get much out of therapy except a sympathetic ear and a hour of uninterrupted venting. Didn't seem to be worth the stone hard cash I was forking over. Sorry for all the things that seem topsy turvy in your universe right now. I think we can all relate in some way or another and we're here to listen. (((hugs)))
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Im just popping in to say..Kate sexy pic!! Love the new avatar...hot mama!
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DiDel- LOL! Thanks! You made my night!
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connie, i also am sorry that things are looking so bleak for you, right now. for variojus reasons, this hasn't been a stellar weekend for me, either. all of the above. i know what you mean, that sometimes when i just feel like giving in, i don't cause i know how hard it is when you let this depressionthing slide, even a little..
found out this wkend, i cna't take the neuroepinephrine that i was taking for depression with the drug for the hyopo thyroidism.. well, i don't think it was helping that much.. and, im either allergic to any others, or they have a "tirered" side efeect. so, im gonna go "naked" inot the cold, cruel world for awhile, anyway...hahaha Kate, the close up in your avatar is wonderful!!! 3jays
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Connie, You have lots of friends here that feel your pain. It does sound like you have the world on your shoulders, but we are here to listen and give you big (((HUGS)))). It sounds like to me that you are stronger than you think, you have an internal drive that won't give up. That's half the battle. As my dad used to say "don't let the b**tards get you down." Just know that we are always by your side.
Kate- LOVE the new avatar!! Very come hither look, you sexy momma!!!
3jaysmom-I am on citalopram and it doesn't seem to interact with my synthroid. Of course it isn't a strong dose and sometimes I wonder if it works at all. . .
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Just had to say, one of my employee's dad went into the doctors on the 4th for stomach pains, sent immediately to hospital, DX next day with liver cancer. A week later they a preparing to move him to hospice and he died that night. Eight days from DX. So sad. Why don't men ever go to the doctor? Until its too late??
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Kate, LOVE the new pic!!! Hope it matches the new boobs!!! Very vivacious and sexy!
Claire, a couple of my meds give me memory loss, but of course, I don't know what I forget!!! I'm kind of used to it, but it's also human. I hope you didn't get too much flack. To die 8 days from dx? Not a bad deal all around....we are dragging our health junk around for years already!
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Connie sorry I missed your post last night. Yes it has been a long road no matter the diagnosis or course of treatment the bottom line is we all had cancer. Its so scary and paralyzing at times and unless you've heard those words, as sympathetic as one can be, they just dont get it. Some days. like right now, I am sitting here with a million things I could and should do, but I am not. I am thinking about my onc appt in two hours. One day I went to my PS and I was crying uncontrollably. When he asked me what was wrong I simply said I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel. He said I should try antidepressants and I said., I don't want to feel like my life is better I want it to actually be better.
In the past few weeks, I have made more efforts to get to the gym and socialize again with friends. I am so happy I found this site and this thread to come here and vent and cry anytime I need. Glad you found us too! Hang in there, we're here for ya!!
Claire - that is a sad story. Reminds me of my friends dad. Two years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer (life long smoker of non filtered cigarettes) they removed part of his lung, then six months later his adrenal gland. My friend and her family including dad didnt realize the severity of his diagnosis and that the spread to his adrenal gland meant the cancer had metastasized. Then she called me about 6 months later and was like my dad has a really sore throat and his face is swollen and paralyzed like he had a stroke...I said Sharon get him to the doctors!! He mustve been in so much pain. The cancer had spread to his neck and face and brain. The night before he was to move to hospice he died. I know its fear that keeps people from going to the doctors but I cant imagine how much pain they were in before finally giving in and seeing the doctor. Is frightening to think about.
Hang in there ladies....I am off to the oncs...UGH!
Diane
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Hi everyone-sorry, kind of down in the dumps so I just read and don't post.
Kate: Love, love, love the new avatar!
Connie: Wow, so many of your complaints is exactly where I was 12 years ago except without the children and I hadn't had a BC diagnosis yet. I was out of work, on disability, didn't have money to pay the rent, didn't have money to pay for groceries. I can't say it magically turned around but I started going through my entire home (all 425 sf of it!) and cleared out all of the clutter and tried to make my surroundings less bleak and depressing. I had a strip of sidewalk and some weeds in the back of my apartment and I turned it into a glorious garden and this is where I spent most of my time. I also used feng shui on my entire place, inside and out, and something crazy happened-my entire life got better. At least until my diagnosis. Now I find that I need to do the same thing-clear out the old to welcome in the new. Hope is a powerful tool. We all have many more challenges with BC. I hope that you can somehow reach out and ask for help where you really need it so that you can lesson your burdens a little. Try and do something nice for yourself even if it's just taking a nice bubble bath or spending time in a quiet place away from the hectic pace of life as we know it. It seems so many of us with BC try to be super women and I think it's so important to just reach out and ask for help. Big hugs and I hope in some small way this might help. We are all here to listen even if you feel a need to bitch and moan.
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{{{{{{{MBJ}}}}}}} Sorry you are still down but glad to see you post. Good to know you are reading so we can give you a shout out. I wish you could see my puppy right now that would bring a smile to your face. He is so happy with the treat I gave him that he is torn between stealing the kitty toys and antagonizing her or chewing his new toy. He quickly realized he can't do both. He is cracking me up pace back and forth trying to pick up her toys and still hold on to his.
So I just came back from the oncs office all is good!! Three more months I will be two years out and I can see him every 4 months. YEAHH! However two things to complain about...of course..the cancer center stopped giving $1 off patients parking!! I was so Pi$$ed!! I have a $50 co-pay and it costs me $5 every time I go to the oncs cause you know you wait forever. I complained so loudly that they gave me 4 free parking passes. I feel like I won the lottery LOL. You may remember a while back I was annoyed at the way the hospital redesigned the cancer center so that the waiting area is the former lobby of the hospital. So everyone that parks in that lot walks through the waiting room to get to the hospital...allll the while staring at the poor sick cancer patients. Its terrible and now they took away our discount on parking! its ridiculous!! I think my onc thinks I am the biggest biotch! Oh well...2nd thing...my onc says any weight gain is not from Tamoxifen. So when i said well why do I feel like Ive lost weight in the 3 weeks off? He said oh well it can cause fluid retention and water weight gain...and I said ok well thats weight gain! He suggested I see a nutrionalist to review my diet. I keep a food journal but literally I could not cut my calories anymore unless I eat just lettuce and water.
He also chalked up the "weight gain" to ...is everyone sitting...Middle AGE!!!! He said I can't stay a size 2 forever...exactly what he said. I told him he was wrong and that i will be in better shape next time I see him. i just need to step up my workout so that is what I will do. SPIN CLASS HERE I COME. So back on Tamoxifen as of this moment and zero carbs...and sadly no more cupcakes I can bake 'em just cant eat 'em. booooooOverall though most happy that my labs were good. Hope everyone is having a good day...or better day!
Diane
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I have a question (rant)...
When do I forget about having cancer and be me again? I look in the mirror and see the reminders...scars and indentations,the lingering depression and lack of energy. I found this in May of '09 and I still feel like I am still stuck there. I go to 2 support group meetings, see a therapist, have a therapist that I can call and I am on antidepressants.I thought by now this would bebehind me.
Sorry about this.
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Awww {{{Veggy}}} sorry you are feeling this way. I felt stuck for a while too. I dont think that I will ever go a day without thinking of BC but some days I wallow and some days I think GOD DAMN I am one strong cookie and I feel so proud of myself for all Ive endured. Those are the days I can breeze through and feel more like myself. Like I said today brings me one step closer to two years out and all is good...knock on wood. Maybe as I tick of one more year...another year...then another..I will think about BC less and less but I dont think it will ever go away completely. In one sense I think I am lucky I am single and live alone as I can be more selfish with my time and not feel guilty about it. I am able to take time to go to the gym, meet friends for dinner or even go away for the weekend with little responsibility/guilt which really does help me feel like I am falling back into my life. For the longest time I avoided the gym and going out cause I hated the way i look. I felt like I aged 100 years so that made me really not feel like myself. I must say, I did do a little tinnnny bit of botox which gave me a boost then getting back to working out at home...running and now back to the gym. Last week I went out with friends and it really gave me another huge boost. This weekend I am going away...bachelorette weekend..which I have mixed emotions about. I know I will have fun with my girls but I worry about the potential of a meltdown.
Even if its baby steps. After my revisions I was so nervous about going out I literally could NOT make myself even go to the grocery store. Then little by little I went out more and reminded myself how much fun I used to have and can still have. I just feel like ya gotta go for it...get back to life...puuuuuullllll yourself up and get out there and start living. I think slowly you will start to feel like yourself. I am not trying to lecture but i literally needed a crowbar to get my ass off the couch and out into the world...then I dont know what I was expecting but everything was ok. No one stared..no one knew I had BC..I was ok..you will be ok too.It just takes time.
I hope you feel better soon, come here and vent or cry anytime. We are all here for ya!
Diane
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Ugh, I just have waves of feeling great and then many down days where I can't get off the couch. What I would give for te energy I used to have prior to my BC diagnosis. I was a whirlwind of energy. I guess life has caused me to slow down but you are right, Di, sometimes you have to push yourself to be able to move forward. Good for you doing the botox to feel better.
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Diane- WOO HOO for a good onc appointment!!!! That deserves a cupcake!!! Oh...maybe not? He said you can't stay a size 2 forever? Them's fighting words!!! Loved your crowbar imagery for getting off the couch. Might have to use that! I did manage to drag my (rapidly expanding) butt off the couch today and do an hour on the treadmill. Even worked up a sweat! That calls for a cupcake! I'll send you my address! :-D
veggy- (((HUGS!!!!)))) Guess we've all wondered about this. I asked my Mom, who has had cancer, if you ever stop thinking about it. She said it gets better but never really goes away. I think that's where most of the grief comes in- that lack of innocence, the sense of betrayal by our bodies when we thought we were invincable, etc. We walk around now in bodies that don't feel like ours so how can we ever truly forget? And for many the treatment was so much worse than the disease or at least that's how it feels. There's so many lingering effects long after you're "done". I think this is a much longer road than anyone can truly understand except those that are walking it with you. So rant away, my friend!
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Hi everyone -- I have been keeping up with reading the posts (barely), but not with writing much of anything. I started back at work last Monday (Aug 8) and it is KICKING MY BUTT. It's a very physical job (Fed Ex courier) and there's no "slow re-entry" into it...I had to go back ready to do my route, full-time. I am very sore and very tired. That's my standard response when anyone asks how I'm doing. Cuz I'm sure as hell not "fine", even though in my uniform you can't see my scars, and because I did not need any other treatments, I look the same as when I left 10 weeks ago. But I'm not the same ! Soooo...I've been depressed...just mentally and physically worn out. I know it will get better. I just wish I knew when.
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Jen GOD bless you...I went back to work 5 weeks after my mx but only cause I have a desk job. Some days I was so tired by 4pm I could barely drive myself home and i was just sitting all day. Kudos to you for being able to be physical on any level post op. Most of the fatigue will go as soon as the anesthia wears off.
Hope tomorrow is a better day...get lots of rest tonight!!
Diane
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