Great saying about depression
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got my "original" dr. to treat me for thre hypothyroid, and already am seeing some energy.. here's hoping. when i told him about going to mo. in sept; he got tears in his eyes... he's been a dr. and friend for over 20 yrs!!! he said zH
hey ladies, i admire all of you for what you go thru with recon. because of my health, it was never an option for me. i wear what i want. flat, or prosthesis, wig, or thinning, still got options, but too much work most of the time...
an update for those who have been following my woes... my original dr.; who referred me out to spec. took me back yesterday. he does surgery on the neck and shoulder, primarily, and txs my many bacterial infections. he said i have been so mis dxed (beg) and undertxed, that he can't stand back, and watch anymore...
when he told me he'd tx me, i started to cry... told him that if he had txed me in the 1st place, i could've made mo. in sept... so, after he asked, i told him it was a group of my friends surviving b.c.; but now, its' too late!
he said, (with tears in his eyes, also) thats' too important to miss... i'll get you there!!!
he gave me 2 new meds, and an epi pen (which i shouldv'e had all along with my throat clsing) then, he called the spec , and read him for filth.. said he wouldn't be sending his patients to him, with the lack of care I recieved... so, im doin the happy dance, and i know if anyone can get me there, its' him. im sooo grateful!! even not in bed 23 hrs for the last 2 days. just can't overdo it, and set myself back... here's hoping, Barbe... mecca, it is!!!............3jays
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Ah Debbie, thank you.I am crying as I read "You are not alone, we are all here and understand you. It does get better. I think part of this is being in my house and feeling isolated. I am exhaling thinking "it does get better." I think part of this experience for me is looking at control and seeing what a stressful and frantic state it keeps me in. If nothing else, I would like to relax and give in. And the only way I can do this is to Quack On! That quacks me up!
MBJ, I just switched to Dr. Kao in Santa Monica. It will be at St. John's Hospital. The pictures he showed us were beautiful and my breast surgeon use to work with him. She said he gets the most results of anyone I've ever worked with! Expensive though, his fees are cash up front out of pocket. At this point, Hubby says, "let's get it done, and done well!"0 -
Lindsey, you're right to get it done right the first time! So many women end up paying more for multiple surgeries they weren't expecting.
3jays, I'm still praying for Mecca. Still waiting for my MIL's estate to close!!! They keep saying 'this week' now it's 'by end of next week'. Then I will RUN to a flight centre and book my spot!!! It is the only carrot I have right now and I'm determined to get it!
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Lyndsey: St John's is great! My Onc who is at the Angeles Clinic treats all of his patients there though he treated me at UCLA. I am so happy you found a great PS-that is half the battle. If you ever need to just get out of the house PM me and we could do lunch.
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3jays: Big hugs and I am so happy you have such a compassionate dr.
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Jen- I know what you mean about some days feeling like a losing battle. Lately, everything just feels like it takes so much more effort than it used to. Feels like swimming in wet cement.
Finally cried uncle and went to GP today to get (antidepressant) meds adjusted. Hoping it helps a little. I've just been so down. I'm having issues (again) with my recon and pray I'm not looking at a 6th surgery. I have an appointment with a local PS next week since it's not possible to get back to Miami where I had my revision. (heavy sigh) Does this crap ever end?
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Just writing really quick to say I'm sorry for those of you facing more surgeries than you ever expected. That's crappy.
Another tough day at work...I'm off to bed early again...
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Good luck with your PS appointment next week, Kate33. You have helped so many people on this forum. Thank you so much.
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Kate - I am boo hooing at the idea of four surgeries, so I can't imagine six. That feels so heavy and I hope you find some relief. God, I hope this crap has an ending!!!!!!
MBJ - since my new PS is in Santa Monica and I will be making lots of trips after my 9/6 surgery, I would love to meet for lunch. I will PM when I am up and moving, probably Oct!
Barbe - you are right. Blew it with the first PS, so let's move on and do it right. Just as well make an "investment" in myself right now, since the market isn't doing well! :-)
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Depression can certainly be a killer. I actually strive to manage it day-to-day.
Stress and Anxiety | Depression And Anxiety | Stress Effects
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Kate, is it just that you need more fat grafting??? Remember, they told you it would take extra fills to keep it plump. I feel so bad for you, you put yourself on the line for the last surgery!!
William, I think most of use here are managing depression minute by minute....
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Oh Kate - No!!!!! Hope that is not the case!!
3-jays - Well thrilled your Doc finally came through... but... gosh with all you have going one hate to say it but wish it could have happened in the first place. But the important thing is now hopefully you will really start to feel better and glad the thryroid meds are helping!
I agree with other's Barb - you do have killer skin!! That sounds odd, ok - very pretty and youthful skin!
Can't keep up with you all, belated happy birthday to Claire...
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barbe, william and kate,
Yes depression can be a killer. That's why people commit suicide.
I try to manage it but having had to deal with it for a year and a half, it gets to be old. I know many of you have been traveling this road for much longer.
barbe - you said it so well - managing it by the minute. I find during any given day I am up and down, depressed, not so depressed, ok. I just don't ever really feel joyous any more or happily excited about anything. I'm almost afraid to be happy - that the BC monster will come back and torture me - threatening my life and taking me away from my DH and son.
I am actually having more ok minutes in a day but still fell like my enthusiasm for life and living is nowhere to where I was before BC.
I am also uncomfortable being around people too much and can't do a crowd. One or two of my friends over for an afternoon coffee is about my limit.
Don't trust people - they say some of the most stupid hurtful things still like ' you are so lucky you got to have as big of boobs as you want'....or the worst is when someone hears I have had BC they proceed to tell me of everyone they know who has had any type of cancer and seem to really get into it if they died from cancer. Or say I look good, considering I had a DM recently - well I never leave the house without putting on decent clothes (usually leggings and a long slim top), wash and blow dry my hair and spend 5 minutes applying paint to my face....and I do look better then. I don't go out looking like how I do when I'm home with my family - then I sometimes even scare myself when I look into the mirror.
And my doctor still won't prescribe antidepressants.
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debbie sounds like you need a new doc. Between your MO and your PCP someone should be able to give you some relief.Seriously!! Its not a sign of weekness, or a failure on their part for not healing you. Good god. I just don't get that train of thought.
Kate-- I hope a 6th surgery is not necessary for you. I would be a little tired of it all too if I were you. Hang in there, you can stand on our shoulders if you need to!
On a happy note, I came home last night from a crappy night at work(2 more people quit, thats 25% of the staff in the last 2 weeks) and I come up the front walk way grumbling cause the porch light was not on. GRRR. And then when I got closer, I see little candles all along the edge of porch, My porch chairs had been repainted, three new posts of pretty flowers(what was wrong with my collection of weeds?) and my park bench had been repainted with cute little flip flops(yes I do live in FLA) and little pillows on all the chairs. Now it looks like some place I may want to sit and read or sip some wine. What a surprise!! Of course, I lost it thinking about how sh**ty the day was at work----only to come home to realize the people that matter are right here showing the love. Sat on the bench and had a good cry, I needed it!! BTW it was all the work of my MIL--she is absolutely the BEST!!!
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Awww Clarie what a lovely surprise!! That just brought me to tears! So sweet and thoughtful!! You need to post a pic...sounds like the perfect place to have a glass of wine or have a cry. Sorry you had a crappy day at work...hope today is better.
{{{{{{{KATE}}}}}}} so sorry you are not happy again. I hope this new PS offers you a solution that works and makes you happy! I know at one point I was crying to my PS about my results but then a week later I was ok. I still want some fat grafting but he wants to wait till things settle a bit more. Hope you are feeling better today!
Debbie I don't understand why your doc wont give you antidepressants if you feel you need them . I know between all the docs I have I can get whatever i need from one of them. Can you ask your BS or PS or GYN or ONC or PCP??
I am off to the beach for what I am sure will be the longest weekend of my life. My friends bachelorette party in which are staying in an RV at some camp ground...UGH!! I fortunately have a back up plan that will keep me from using the COMMUNITY shower...YUCK! There is absolutely no way in hell I am showering in a public bathroom AND I am not sleeping on the kitchen table turned bed. I will be 20 minutes away at my co-workers three bedroom condo on the beach!! I havent told them yet that I am not staying there but they should know better. There are 10 women in one camper...not possible. I will not be online all weekend so I wanted to tell everyone I hope you have a great stress free happy weekend!!
I get posts on my phone but cant respond. Have a great weekend!
Diane
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William Tehoy do not post your solicitations here...aside from being COMPLETELY inappropriate..it is against the rules of BCO and I have reported this post as such.
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(((Kate)))): I am so sorry to hear this! I hope it isn't capsular contracture again as I hear that is very painful. My PS told me it's possible to have micro FG here in Los Angeles but I would have to pay out of pocket to have it done so you might want to ask your PS if this is a possiblilty where you live. You have been an anchor for so many of us here on the boards and I just want you to know how much you mean to me and I am sure to all of us here. Big hugs!!!
Claire: Your story totally made me cry! What a great MIL!!! Just goes to show you that bad things can sometimes get balanced by the good. Just lovely. Hugs!!!
Lindsey: Just let me know as I am on the West side often for work and dr appointments!
Debbie: I say get yourself a new dr-anti-depressants shouldn't be his call-you should request an appointment with another dr who can determine this. Depression is serious business and not to be taken lightly!!!
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Didel: Good for you for taking care of yourself-I feel the same way-10 girls in a camper-yikes!!!
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what did i miss? and who the heck IS that guy,DiDel? i noticed only 1 post...
well, im in the crapper again, hoping a new pharmacist will help. the new drug reacted even WORSE than the old one; so we're off to the races, agiain. this one got swollen eyes, which i can live with; but messes with your breathing big time.. so, the doc said go back to the old one. and he's gonna put his head together with the compounding pharm.' and see what they can come up with. my mom, and sister, both died from complications of COPD; so i won't take something that messes with my breathing...
to say the least, im hangin on for dear life, again. i think i need to try and relax, and NOT hope for mecca, so much. my life is so complicated, with my chronic illness.. so, im just gonna make the best of it while i can.
i really do agree with cmblastic,Debbie. i think you need to PUSH one of those docs about getting a antidepressant. depression iisn't an I'm hoping someone will listen soon...ything to take so lightly. and everyone SHOULD realize while going thru bc; help is needed by many of us!
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claire: your story had me in tears!!! what a wonderful thing for your MIL to do!!!3jays
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Claire, me too! When you said there were candles all around I started picturing a retreat/spa experience. How wonderful to have a place to exhale!
OMG, 10 women in an RV? And a bachelorette party? If I was the bride I think I would beg to go with you!
I'll tell you just hearing others are up one day and down the next has helped me realize all of these emotions are part of the journey. I have always wanted to do mindfulness meditation, but couldn't sit still long enough! I still feel that way in the morning, but by 3pm I'm toast. I was reading about a stress center in MA, so got the relaxation tapes. Here I think I've stumbled onto something great and my girlfriend yesterday new all about this guy. I hope it is okay to mention him, Jon Kabat-Zinn. Honestly I haven't gotten through the whole tape because I fall asleep. Won't beat myself up for that! Does anyone else have tapes or books that have especially helped them? I need something to read on my new Kindle from my BFF.
Didel0 -
I just reported that William jerk too. Amazing the lengths some will go to for business. He should be banned from this site totally! Thanks DiDel for bringing it to my attention. I thought his remark was quite glib for a BC person.
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. My primary doctor is leaving so now is a perfect chance to change.
DiDel - I like your thinking. I'm not a camper either.
cmblastic: what a wonderful scene to come home to. Such a clever person to know exactly what would cheer you up and keep you that way!
3jaysmom: much luck to you with new drugs. I do think the additives they put with the active ingredients are the problem makers for many people. I know that is why some people prefer name brands rather than generic.
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I reported him too, seriously, what was he thinking??
3Jays I am sorry the meds aren't working for you, but I'm hoping they find one that fits you and makes your pains go away. Sending you a BIG ((((((HUG))))))) from down the road in Orlando.
Didel-cannot wait to hear about the weekend! I gave up on camping when my boys got done with cub scouts. A bed and a hot shower and a balcony that overlooks the ocean are my requirements now!!
I could definitely use some good relaxation cd's I was up till 330 last night and I just couldn't get my brain to shut off. Hopefully tonight is better!
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Lindsey, I think you're supposed to fall asleep...and your mind would pick up the rest as you sleep. Relaxation tapes are wonderful! I reported that guy yesterday after I commented to him. Is he gone yet?
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Yeah I think I was the last straw when I reported him. He was my first reportee!
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Stanzie, Diane, MBJ, Elizabeth, barbe, Lindsey, Claire and Debbie (Hope I didn't miss anyone!)- Thanks for the empathy and validation. It really means so much. Not sure what I would do without you girls! My appointment with the new PS is this Tuesday so hoping she has some words of wisdom. I'm thinking she will probably just order an MRI so won't know anything right away. My issue is not with the fat grafting. I absolutely love that and would do it again in a heartbeat!!! Everything looks SO much better! The problem is with the implant itself. It feels like it is rotating or something. I emailed PS in Miami who said it shouldn't since it is a round implant. Only other thing I can think of is scar tissue has formed (after 5 surgeries) and is pulling on the implant when I move my left arm. I just know something is not right. I'm also going to schedule an evaluation for LE.
Claire- What a wonderful MIL! (Wish I had one of those....wistful sigh. Never heard a peep out of mine from DX until about a month ago- no card, no call, etc. How my wonderful DH sprang from her loins is a mystery to me.) Anyway, I digress, your story was so touching. I think it's wonderful that she put so much time and effort into making you feel special. It sounds like a lovely spot to decompress at the end of the day.
Diane- Hope you managed to escape what sounded like the night from hell. An RV? WTH? Now a suite at the Ritz (heck, even a Holiday Inn)- sign me up! (Do they even have suites at Holiday Inns?) A lovely suite, with a/c, copious amounts of alcohol and one big slumber party would be a blast especially if it were with all of you!
3jays- I'm sorry the meds are not working out. I know it is SO frustrating to figure out the right cocktail. There are thousands of drugs out there and, yet, so many of us still struggle to find an answer to what ails us. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. (((BIG HUGS!!!!)))
Forgot to add- Debbie- your post really struck a cord with me. Especially when you said you don't feel joy anymore or an enthusiasm for life. That's exactly how I feel. And also don't enjoy being around people so much. Like you, a lot of them in my "real life" have let me down through this whole thing. It makes me feel I am not as connected as I thought I was to all of them. But maybe it's my own fault since I don't open up and share with them like I do with all of you. Just always get the impression no one wants to talk about the heavy stuff anymore. Just cocktails and small talk. Which leaves me feeling strangely dissatisfied these days. Guess that's why I keep coming here.
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Kate, you are so right! When people ask me how I feel I say 'fine'. That's it because I don't think they really want to know. Cancer scares people and I think some women think it's catching?
It's kind of like: bing, band, bong, and I should be over BC. Well, no, no, no, it just keeps on rolling in!
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Kate - it made me sad to read yr post about being let down by people. You sd you aren't as open as you are here with us. Have you considered doing a blog? My DH and I set one up through wordpress and it is an easy way to share yr journey openly and honestly. People have forwarded mine on to people I don't even know who have volunteered to bring us dinner! I think I have been pretty transparent and even though it has been hard for my parents to read, it has kept friends and colleagues abreast (ha ha) of my situation. We added a wish list so people know when we need help and with what and when we are doing well.
We have been shocked at the outpouring. Yes, some can't mention cancer and stay shallow in their conversations, some drop a dish and run, bur some have been willing to allow me this sacred journey and wittness it. If you want to see my blog I am more than happy to share. I thot it would be a burden to keep up, but it is actually very cathartic to write to this invisible audience.
I am so sorry about yr DH's diagnosis. You have yr hands full and I understand about losing your enthusiasm for life, but people want to help if you will only tell them how and be specific with yr needs. On my blog's Wish List we asked if someone could walk our dogs and water the backyard that first week after my surgery. People volunteered and did great. Our rescue dog was leery of her new walker, but they did just fine two weekends in a row!
All this to say "don't give up on people." they just need to be given a specific task, if they find words to encourage you all the better! I wish I could give you a (((hug)))!
I just wanted to share an idea of what has helped us! I am so thankful I found this site (thru someone reading my blog I did not know!), because we always have each other and we TRULY do understand each other.0 -
thanks so much for the well wishes, ladies. im moving on to some supp;ements, that i know ple have had much luck with. i so need to be better in 3 weeks, but just don't know, if i'll make it. marybe gave me the mantra from the little train that could.. so, i think i can, i think i can...hahaha
Kate, im so sorry things aren't going too well. i thought after miami, it would be done. i hope they can get it fixed, pronto. not much help; no recon, for this girl...
Lindsey; you got it right, girl..some can deal, some can't. but, thy're still showing support. you're a lucky gal!!! 3jays
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