Great saying about depression
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BTW Kate Yeah right!!??? Tell me I have middle age spread and I should just give in and buy bigger pants! WHO does he think he is?!?!?
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I sure don't like it when someone tells me I can never be like I was before BC! That's not too much to ask for, is it? Who wouldn't want their spirit, body, energy, sex drive and boobs back? I know I can't change reconstructed boobs (and still no nips) but I am working my butt off (literally I hope) to get back to a pre- BC state of being.
There are days I just don't want to get out of bed. I actually pull the covers over my head and dread getting up. I really don't want to exercise either but once I get on the treadmill I start to mentally feel more positive. You would think by now I would just jump out of bed, have my 2 cups of coffee and climb on the treadmill but I don't.
My doctor doesn't want to give me antidepressants as she thinks my feelings and behavior are perfectly normal for dealing with BC and a DMX. Some days I do wonder if she is wrong as I would like to wake up happy and eager to start a new day and be thankful I am.
I think part of my depression is how the Femara makes sleeping difficult. I get up 3 or 4 times a night to stretch my aching joint sand often change my pajamas at least once thanks to the hot flashes.
I admire the strength of all of you who have gone back to work and feel lazy as I haven't and if I can, won't in the near future.
I'm totally not interested in having sex with DH, also probably due to the Femara - yet I am thank- full I'm able to take it.
Most of all I am gratefull for having all of you in my life! At home I think the only one who truly gets what I am feeling and dealing with is my dog - Jaki, who never leaves my side.
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Just a girl I totally understand how you feel and that is how I felt my little dog was so wonderful to me when I came back from the hospital - however she passed away last November and that is what really did me in. She was 15 but I still miss and need her. So do enjoy and love your dog - that is how I felt about my little Liesl - she was who I talked to and was always with me.
It has been over a year and still in pain and hate the way I look and it is hard to care enough to get going to lose the weight I've gained since all this happened. I think the Menopause is also really doing numbers on me with the no sleeping and hot flashes and mood swings - why can't doctors help us more with everything after they do all this - there is no emotional help or support or warning per say..... at least not the way it really will be... hope this makes some sense....
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Stanzie, It saddens me to hear your precious Liesl passed away. 15 years old is a long life for a dog and think of all the loving memories she has given you.
Weight gain is a real problem for many of us, due to the lack of activity, the surgeries and it's restrictions, the pain, and for many the 5 years of hormone medication. Menopause is a nightmare in itself with the interrupted sleeping, hot flashes and mood swings.
You are so right - many doctors just don't get it. They treat the cancer but not the side effects of the treatment. My doctor says to me I shouldn't still have pain and the hot flashes shouldn't be as bad but they are.
All I know is if I can kick my butt into gear in the morning and get walking on my treadmill and eat well, I do feel better but then the next morning it starts all over with me pulling the covers over my head and not wanting to get up even though a beautiful sunny day is waiting for me.
You are not alone...........
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Thanks! Can't imagine how hard being on Femara is....
But today I'm trying... waiting on a friend to come and go walking and then to get in a swim if the weather holds out and the power crews are not hoveing in the trees. It is that time when they scalp all the trees around all the power lines! Ugh!
Thanks again- Sometimes this site/thread just brings tears to my eyes how us strangers but cyber-friends can mean so much and can help you make it through the day and see the light. What an amazing internet blessing!
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Debbie, very interesting that your doctor says your feelings are normal and you don't need antidepressants. Of course, she is right and wrong at the same time! She is validating your feelings which is great. You're normal. Fabulous! BUT, you're stuck too. You asked for help. She should acknowledge that. I know she is worried that you may not 'process' everything properly if you're all drugged up, but it's not like that at all. Those of us on anti-d's are still processing, believe me!
I don't think there could ever be a day I don't think about bc. Just like there will never be a day I don't think about my arthritis, or FM, or degenerating disks. It has just become part of who I am and what I deal with every day. It isn't ME, but sadly, it's a PART of me.
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Jenn-wow, such a physically demanding job! I bet you come home and plant yourself on a chair and just say "woah". We all want to get on with our work lives and return to normal, but it will never be the same. People look at us and see a whole person, but don't realize that inside we are missing a piece. A piece we will never get back. We're not always broken, just missing a piece that made us whole.
I'm not so much someone who crawls under the covers in the morning, mine hits me anytime of the day--I just crawl into a ball on the bed. I don't want to go, I don't want to do, I don't want to be sometimes. It's not just mood swings--well it is-- but damn its intense. Feeling like you're at the bottom of a well with no rope. My Dh doesn't get it. Love him, but he is missing that part of his empathy--either that or he is just had enough.
Ok enough of Debbie Downer. The sun is shining, its hotter than you know what out there, and my DS wants to go out drive around the neighborhood. He just got his learners a few weeks ago. I haven't been out with him yet. Talk about white knuckles!! Wish me well!!! Better take my ativan before I go. . .
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Last night I got out of the house and went to a friend's house. I felt a little better. I hope today I fell even better. Thanks everyone for your kind words. I guess even though it happened a while ago, its always going to be a part of me.
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I woke up today thinking, "noooo....I can't do this...." Not a good way to start the day. I just feel like I need more time to recharge my batteries, damn it !
Diane: I work with women in their 50s who are a size 2. The physical job keeps us fit...it's proof that middle-age spread doesn't HAVE to happen. But the crappy thing is it seems like you do have to work out more / eat a little less as the years go by. Blame it on stupid metabolism, hormones, whatever. It's totally unfair (yeah, yeah, life isn't fair, blah blah blah).
Debbie: good for you for the times you work out ! It's hard to get motivated, especially when feeling depressed. It's such a vicious circle.
Claire, veggy, Barbe, MBJ, Stanzie, Kate (and anyone else I forgot -- this thread has a lot of people on it!) : your posts keep me going , make me feel less alone, and I am wishing you a good day. Or a day with good moments in it. (We'll take what we can get, right?!)
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I'll take a few good moments!!!
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Wow! Lots of powerful posts this morning. Seems like we are all in a similiar place. And Stanzie is so right- there's no emotional support at this point. We're supposed to be "done". I don't know where I would be without BCO and all you wonderful souls out there. Probably feeling half crazy or defective or something thinking everyone moves on so easily but me.
I'm also not sure where I'd be without anti-depressants. Heck, half the time I need them on a good day/month/year and I feel no shame in that. I think of them as a life jacket. There's no motor on them to get me back to shore but they are keeping me from drowning until I have the strenth to paddle.
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Kate, fabulous last statement!! So true. Bears repeating!
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Great analogy Kate!!!! I am taking at least 3 meds that keep me from losing weight. I'd normally be gaining weight, but have it under control. Would like to lose something though!
I have a makeup tip that proved itself this weekend. I normally use a powder to stop oily skin, but will use a liquid foundation sometimes. I needed colour on my face so I used one that is supposed to brighten your complexion. I got SO MANY comments at Niagara on the Lake where 21 of us got together for lunch (a bunch of 'mericans flew in too!). I actually got embarrassed that there was so much raving about my skin!! I have used 2 products that do it. PhotoReady is one, and the other is in a plastic 'cannister' with a foam top. Like shoe polish. Cheap. I don't use the expensive stuff. Walmart all the way. But I have to tell you, they have a reflective quality that really does work. I get comments all the time and finally remembered to share. Enjoy!
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That's so right! My DH thinks I should just 'get over' BC. The only ones who truly get me are all of you and my two dear BFF's.....and neither of them have ever had BC. I have said to them 'aren't you tired of hearing me moan and groan' and they both replied that whatever is going on for me physically or mentally they want to be with me.
I know what I am going through is normal for having had BC. It doesn't mean I have to like it. It's the depression and mood swings - mostly down- that really piss me off. Before BC I was a busy busy active person. Now I just want to either hide in bed or stay home on our property with my dog. Often the only time I leave is once a week to do the grocery shopping. I haven't had my hair cut or coloured (to hide grey) since April and I used to go every 3 months like clockwork. I haven't even gone shopping to look for new clothes. The only thing I have done for me is gone for the laser treatment twice for the significant facial hair (long fine white baby fine) I have gotten thanks to Femara.
Thanks cmblastic, kate, barbe, Jen and everyone else for making me feel so not alone and knowing not feeling normal is normal! Make sense?
Barbe - thanks for the makeup tip. The photo of you shows how beautiful your skin looks. I'm at that age (58) where I am getting extra pigmentation spots on my face and I wear a hat and sunblock all the time! I think it's worse since the femara is taking all the estrogen and progesterone out of my system. Glad you had a fun weekend!
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Now I am really going to sob. I just wrote a three paragraph reply and accidently closed the window before submitting.
I think the idea of taking a picture of where I parked the car on my cell phone is brillant. Yesterday I saw my new PS and didn't know where I parked when I was done. I started at the bottom level --four, and eventually found my car on level 2.
My sadness today is learning that instead of having two surgeries--the NSBMX in June and then an exchange in October, it has turned into three, possibly four MORE surgeries. The new PS will re-do surgery on Sept 6 to swap out the wrong style TEs, raise my nipples, and remove scar tissue under my arms. Then exchange in Nov, then the first FG in Feb. I thought the exchange and FG was done at the same time. I really wanted to be DONE before going back to work in Dec., and now I learn this will go into next year.
I feel like a child and want to kick and scream "I don't want any more surgeries!" Because I made a poor choice in PS I feel blindsided by this long process at this late date. Has anyone else come to a point where the tears keep flowing because you want to be done, but its out of your control? Hmmm, control. It's out of my control. That's it! I like my ducks in a row, and now my life is out of my control. God, I am brillant. I am going to send myself a $250 bill for psychotherapy.
Help, how do you all "flow" with this process? How do I stop the tears?
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I read this on a cancer blog tonight. The author was talking about depression after breast cancer.
Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in ~ Leonard Cohen
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There's no motor on them to get me back to shore but they are keeping me from drowning until I have the strenth to paddle. ---well said Kate, well said.
Sitting here with a glass of wine, waiting for midnight so I can toast myself happy 50th. I never thought I would be my mother's age. Where did the time go?? What I really want for my Bday is to DANCE. My DH used to go dancing when we first met--back when Dirty Dancing first came out. He is pretty hot on the dance floor, has that hip action, that most men can never figure out. Good memories!!
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Here's something from the Boston Globe-
Jerry Remy talks of his depression after cancerAugust 16, 2009 by EditorAs cancer survivors, many of us have struggled with that unexpected feeling of depression and loneliness that surprises us after treatment is finished. I say unexpected and surprises, because for many of us we are quite often shocked and confused at the intensity of the feelings of depresssion that hit us. Surely we should be ecstatic – after all we have “beaten” cancer? We have been given a second chance, so why do we feel so sad?The fact is that cancer survivors are more likely than their healthy peers to suffer serious psychological distress such as anxiety and depression, even a decade after treatment ends. The physical and emotional fallout of cancer treatment can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression. This is a theme I return to time and again in this blog, but I feel it is important that we speak out about it, and it doesn’t become, like depression often does, a hidden grief in our lives. That is why I am so pleased when cancer survivors in the public eye speak out about their experiences with depression whether it is cancer related or not. It helps to remove some of the stigma.Red Sox commentator, Jerry Remy has been speaking out this week about the wave of depression had swallowed him up in the months after lung cancer surgery. It is, according to a Boston Globe article, a story that rang with sad familiarity to psychologists like Karen Fasciano, of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute.There, she sees patients who are bereft and bewildered. During the months of chemotherapy and radiation, their lives had structure, support, and a singular, energizing focus: defeating cancer. But with treatment finished, some patients suddenly find themselves alone, exhausted, and fixated on how cancer has transformed their lives. And they are consumed by the potential that it could return.“When you have cancer, often the most essential element is saving your life,’’ said Fasciano, who devotes a substantial amount of her time to helping patients who have finished cancer treatment. “But when people are done with their medical treatment, they experience the existential and emotional adjustment issues related to having had a life-threatening illness.“Life is uncertain for all of us,’’ she said, “but people who’ve just gone through cancer treatment have a new awareness of that uncertainty.’’On Wednesday night, from the familiar terrain of Fenway Park, Remy first spoke about his descent into depression. In a telephone interview last night, he described days and nights spent in a state of forlorn emptiness.“You didn’t want to get out of bed,’’ Remy said, his voice strong, his words plainspoken. “The first thing you thought when you woke up was ‘another lousy day is ahead of me.’ I had no desire to do anything.’’Mary K. Hughes, a clinical nurse specialist in the psychiatry department at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, said recent cancer survivors can easily become overwhelmed if they return to work and life’s other routines too soon.“They can’t do what they used to do,’’ she said. “That starts them thinking: ‘What if this is forever? What if I’m never going to be able to work?’ And then all those fears start rising.’’There’s debate among mental health specialists about just how many cancer patients and cancer survivors experience that crash.Dr. William Pirl of the Massachusetts General Hospital Cancer Center said doctors used to believe that up to 25 percent of cancer patients experienced major depressive disorder, the sort of depression that is far more than a passing bout of the blues. More recent reviews, he said, suggest that a truer figure is 10 percent.Still, that rate fails to capture patients who have milder forms of the condition, particularly those stricken with something called an adjustment disorder. As the name implies, those patients experience transient depression as they adjust to being diagnosed with cancer.Patients are also vulnerable to depression midway through treatment, when the deleterious effects of chemotherapy and radiation become more apparent, said Pirl, who studies the treatment of depression in lung cancer patients.“They’re feeling poorly, and they don’t know whether the treatment is working or not,’’ said Pirl, clinical director of Mass. General’s psychiatric oncology service. “They’re left in this ambiguous zone of not knowing whether their investment is going to pay off and thinking that maybe they’re going through treatment for nothing.’’There’s also reason to suspect that the powerful treatments used to vanquish cancer may light the fuse of depression, specialists said. The drugs can start a cascade of metabolic and hormonal changes and cause inflammation thought to contribute to the condition.The Institute of Medicine, an independent body that advises Congress on health affairs, issued a report in 2007 calling on cancer specialists to do a better job recognizing the psychological impacts of the disease and its treatment. Pirl conducted a national survey of oncologists a few years back and found that only two-thirds asked patients how they were coping.When depression is identified, doctors sometimes prescribe antidepressants and refer patients to counseling.Remy said last night that his doctors have tweaked his medication so that “they’ve got me going on the right track.’’Knowing that his absence from the broadcast booth would invite speculation, Remy said he felt it was important to talk about dealing with depression.“I’m not embarrassed to say so,’’ Remy said. “People go through it all the time. It’s probably best to tell the truth, and that’s what I did. And if it helps people, that’s good, too.’’This post adapted from the Boston Globe.
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Kate, someone sent that quote to me and said during my MX they were going to visualize all this light flooding in! Love that.
Claire, Happy 50th!! May the coming year be your best!
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Claire, Happy #50!!!! Have a drink and a big piece of cake - yum....
Lindsey, For many (most) of us here, surgery has not been a one-off, even when we pick a PS we like and stay with. Some have two surgeries, many many have 4 or more. I've already had four and have one more at least and then nipple surgery. Now that fat grafting is available, it's another procedure. It does get easier and it seems with the fat grafting the down time is minimal, so if you have a non-physical job, you might only miss a few days of work.
As to the control, we don't have it and the sooner we relax and give in, well, I have found it easier. I would of liked to of had my surgeries bang, bang, bang, but that's not how it's done.....we have to allow for recovery time and swelling to go down.
I get angry - I cry. I think they are two good things. You are perfectly normal for a woman dealing with BC and all it's baggage. I remember you saying you wanted to look good in a swimsuit when you vacation in Hawaii next summer. Good visual goal.
You are not alone, we are all here and understand you. It does get better.
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Lindsey,
Your ducks are all in a row - it's just a lot more ducks than you initially had. Quack on..........
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAIRE!!!! Just remember- boobs or no boobs, we are FABULOUS!!!!! 0 -
Many happy returns Claire. Wishing you a healthy year! 0
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hapy birthday claire.....3jays
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Claire -- Happy 50th ! I hope you dance -- even if it's just in your living room...
Kate -- great article on depression at different stages of cancer experience ! Thank you for sharing that...
Lindsey -- so sorry that you have to have extra surgeries...can only imagine the frustration and "I don't wanna' DO this" feeling...
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I almost forgot -- I agree with Debbie, that Barbe's skin looks great in her photo, very luminous. So jealous ! With my job keeping me outdoors, I also am having the sun spot damage appear, even though I wear sunscreen.
Speaking of skin, I have been having some weird little hives appear on my lower legs (ankle to knee) on and off for past 3 weeks. I cannot figure out what is causing them and it's driving me crazy.
Some days, everything just feels like a losing battle.
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Claire, happy birthday sweetie!! I LOVED turning 50 (3 years ago)... I never believed I'd get that old!! hehehehehehee (but that was my cancer year....sigh) Still a GREAT year!!! Have fun with it...your time is NOW!!
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Kate: I just love that song & quote!!!
Claire: A very Happy Birthday to you!
Lindsey: I had my MX in April 2010 and I still have one more procedure to go under! Consider recon a work in progress-baby steps! If you already mentioned this and I have forgotten, please forgive me-who is your PS and where are you having it done?
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Kate- Thanks for the article. It describes me perfectly.
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