Great saying about depression
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Kate, I am new on this thread but found you by searching for "flight attendant." Over the years I have heard that FAs have a higher incidence of breast cancer because of the radiation exposure. They say one flight from LA to NY is equal to one chest x-ray. I flew for 10 years and had many international trips with ozone exposure over 40,000 feet.
It's interesting too about your thyroid. I was diagnosed with Hashimotos (auto-immune thyroid) hypothyroidism also. I still have several friends with the airlines who also have hypo-thyroidism.
Have you done any research in this area?
Also someone was asking about Effexor. My oncologist was using it for many of his patients to prevent hot flashes. It worked like a dream, but in April 2010 I started having hives and I mean over my entire body. I took lots of steroids last year and had 5 trips to the ER with angioedema( swelling of the face and lips). After trying many things I saw on the Internet a group of women who believed Effexor was the cause. I immediately stopped taking it and over the next five months the hives slowed and then disappeared totally this past March. Hallelujah!
And Barbe, I laughed so hard reading about the hammer. Boy, I needed a good laugh too! this has been a heck of a month healing from my NSBM!0 -
hi Lindsey: i just got dxed with hasimotos' but they seem to think it was part/parcel of chemo.. it just didn't happen right after..but, w/ immune def/over reaction, it could be anything!! im stuggling getting some tx for it, but hopeful we'll get it sorted out.. welcome to this thread..
Barbe...this week, when mur makes his famous sandwhiches with heavy mustard; im gonna hit em with that one..you're SOOO funny...
As far as having "the discussion" i'll share with you what our family therapist told us long ago, and at the time, it wasn't about the bedroom.. she told us both, if we didn't know WHAT we wanted, we'd never get it.. and encouraged us to talk about anything that was a concern..
this might help, though.. the TSH for a guy will tell if the test. is low..tell him he needs to ck it out at his age; which is true..for prostrate stuff.. just might work........3jays
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Barbe--I'm laughing and crying for you!!There is a point to where we have to joke about it cuz the we're past the crying. . .I have always for years thought as I was driving down the highway-- looked at all the cars and thought--each one of those cars represents a life and family I don't know. I don't know their struggles, their pains. their joys. Did someone in their family just die? Did someone just graduate from college? Are they bank robbers, drug dealers? Are they happy in their marriage? Can they pay their bills? Why are they on this road right now??
My struggles always seem so small when I look at others, but you are right. They are MY struggles and I have to accept that my pain is real and valid. And that there are others out there that share in my pain. . . and are struggling too. Doesn't have to make me happy about it. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try to change my outcome. . .
I shouldn't complain aboutmy DH, yesterday he was very huggy and kissy, but I felt like crap--too much spicy food and wine the night before. D*mn!! Our timing bites. Now today I feel better and he's at work!!
Diane--I love the city life--it is so full of stories. suburbia is pretty boring and everyone sticks to them selves. Not as much "community" I would love to visit your neck of the woods!!!
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Lindsey- Welcome to the thread! I flew mostly short haul domestic flights so didn't worry about radiation too much. I think I was more worried about my DH who was a pilot sitting in front of that big windshield every day! I guess I haven't researched much BC/FA connection. Would be interesting. It does seem like a lot of us have auto-immune stuff going on prior to BC. There's a thread here about it if you want to check it out- "anyone out there with auto-immune/chronic pain issues before dx?" (Just type in auto-immune in the search box and I think it's the 3rd one down.) Good to know about the Effexor since I'm thinking of switching to a different anti-depressant so might take that one off my list! BTW, who do/did you fly for? I was with America West (now US Airways).
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It's scary to think about things like the amount of radiation you would of received while working.
I often wonder if I made myself more prone to getting BC because of all the hormones (estrogen and progesterone) I had injected into me with all of my IVF treatments. I would of really been feeding any lurking BC cells. Yikes>
Anyone out there who had IVF and now BC?
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justagirl: not ivf; but fertility drugs, it works the same.. i got WAY too much estrogren/progesteron..it really messed my hormones up, permanently..but, i don't think it contributed to the actual bc..they said, it grew unnoticed; for about 10 yrs give or take, by its' size; and where it was..got it just before it spread thru the blood barrier.........they think.......3jays
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No fertility treatments here. Didn't live near any power lines. But I did eat my share of Swanson's Tv dinners!! And followed behind the mosquito control truck spraying DDT thru my neighborhood on my bike. I was a bartender for 20 years that worked in smoked filled bars-tho never smoked myself. Who knows. My sister and I both have BC and are brac-neg so somehow environment might have something to play in it. It does annoy me that my onc said it had been growing in me for over 10 years, but 10 years of mammos and US never showed it. How do you miss a 6-8 cm tumor in an A cup? The what ifs wear me out. And it bugs me that as advanced scientifically we are, that this disease is such an enigma.
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This whole thing about not being able to find a cure makes me wonder if man really DID walk on the moon......
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cmblastic: I remember running behind the mosquito fogging machine as a kid. All the children in the neighborhood did and we loved it. In hindsight, it was a mistake, but we did not know that then. Makes me wonder what we are innocently doing today without knowing the consequences. Just trying to live each day to the max and do some good along the way.
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Kate, I flew for TWA (now American). I once did the math and figured I had the equivalent of 165 chest x-rays for every year I flew. So after 10 years it adds up to a lot of radiation! The way I look at things like this is that I loved the job, saw some incredible places in the world during my 20's and would do it all over again. Sometimes the sheer joy of something outweighs the risks. Plus I was in my twenties, what did I know! :-)
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Anyone that works outside in the sunshine gets a lot of radiation. Think of techs in hospitals before the lead shields!!! Even painters are exposed to radiation. It is everywhere!!! I would rather be like Lindsey and have enjoyed getting radiated because I loved my job! heheheehhehe
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Hi ladies I haven't been on in awhile. I have enjoyed reading the posts and can relate to so many of them!
Baxter I know how you feel about the change with intimacy. Even at 18 months post first surgery (I had a ton of complications) I sometimes can't believe this has happened. I am sad at the change that is so very permanent. I am grateful for the reconstruction. But as many have said it isn't the same. I am now to the point I accept the sadness that I feel each time. I am not comfortable seeing myself although I don't shudder like I use to. I feel like it is just how it is now. I am so tired of feeling like I have to justify why this is such a hard journey. I am so very disappointed in the women, doctors, nurses that minimize this. I try to use the teachable moments but it is wearing. I don't wish this on anyone but wish some that are so insensitive could walk in our shoes for awhile. My wonderful hero husband has never said or done anything except try to make me feel loved and beautiful. I am always so worried he will feel cheated. He said never but you know maybe it is because I feel cheated of what use to be. I am so grateful for him.
I guess I am really trying to just move forward with the acceptance that there is a layer of underlying sadness that is now part of who I am. I can work and enjoy family and friends but it isn't the same. I just am getting to the point of saying that is how it is. Surgery 12/29/2009 and still not done with reconstruction. Oh well. It is what it is.
We shouldn't have to justify to those who have not walked in our shoes. I am glad there is a place like this that I can come to.
Baxter I am sending you peace and giving you a big cyber hug!
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Saw my PCP two days ago and told her how blue I had been lately. She asked if therapy was helping--yeah, but that doesn't help when you are curled up on the bathroom floor in tears. She asked if I needed to switch to a psychiatrist as opposed to a psychologist, and I was unsure. I don't want to be on SERIOUS drugs but I don't want this down feeling much longer. She ended up suggesting we wait til next month and make that decision then. Not sure if I want to continue this rollercoaster till then. I see my MO in 2 1/2 weeks and see what she thinks about this being Tamox related. I can't stand 5 years of this for sure!! Well, I am off to work. Ick.
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cmblastic
I am so sorry you are feeling such despair. Have you found a support group made up of women who have actually gone through this journey? I think it has helped so much. I go to a mastectomy support group. Specifically for women who have had a mastectomy. It has been so helpful to be able to be honest about what I am feeling and to hear their stories to know I am normal in my feelings. I don't know what your treatment was but if you had a mastectomy my husband found a great article about the grieving stages you go through related specifically to losing a breast. It was so helpful to read. In it it stated it takes about two years for most of us to get to acceptance.
I know that doesn't help when you are so sad but know it does ease. My dx was 12/21/09. I am still not done with recon and yesterday was a sad day for me. Tears flowed when I thought of how my life has changed. I let them flow, knowing what I had been through and all women with this horrid disease go through, is life changing and not over when the incisions heal. I hope you have a good support network around you.
Sometimes we just have to let the strong emotions happen and then breath. Take good care
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The sad, sad part is, even knowing your feelings are normal doesn't make them better.....
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Determined- You and I seem to be traveling the same path together. I was DX 12/27/09. You perfectly described everything I am feeling right now- especially the underlying sadness. Someone described the "ripple effect" of BC/MX but I feel like it's more of a tsunami touching almost every aspect of my life. I try so hard for normalcy with my DH but there is always something a little off. It doesn't help that the 3 M's collided together- MX, menopause and middle age.
cmglastic- There is no shame, especially with what you are going through and the chemical effects of Tamox, to needing the help of anti-depressants. They can start you on a very low dose and see how it goes. I think without them I'd be right there with you on the bathroom floor. The difference is I wouldn't be able to peel myself off it. (((hugs)))
barbe- Knowing others are feeling the same way doesn't make the feelings better but it does take the pressure off me. I used to think that everyone else was just sailing through this whole BC thing like champions. To know I wasn't weak or crazy because I wasn't went a long way towards accepting the struggling I'm going through as a normal phase of healing. Maybe it's the old adage "misery loves company" or "birds of a feather flock together" but just knowing there are others out there that truly understand what I'm feeling is invaluable to me. I think it's finally allowing me to move forward because before I wasn't truly processing my feelings. I just kept trying to move past them quickly and get to the "done" part because it seemed everyone else was there already. Now I see there's a lot of us that haven't made it to the finish line yet.
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I guess I was responding to what Determined said to cmblastic about 'don't worry, your feelings are normal'. That's nice, true, but it dosn't make it any easier for cmblastic to be able to progress....do you know what I mean? I don't want to annoy anyone....huh, how do I explain this....
Okay, say you tell someone that you are scared of the boogie man. Terrified!! Then they tell you that it's okay to be scared. That doesn't make you not scared.......was that any better? 0 -
barbe1958 you seem to often have issues with my comments but hopefully she understood that what I was trying to express maybe not very well is that don't beat yourself up it is ok. Kind of what Kate is saying. It helps to know you are not alone and it is ok if you are not acting like Pollyanna to everyone.
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Just darting in to say that I have been reading the posts but haven't really had anything to add. Do you ever feel too tired or overwhelmed to formulate a post? Sometimes that's where I'm at.
I return to work on Monday, so that will cut into my computer time, too...
But it really helps to read the comments and know I'm not alone. Hugs to everyone !
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Determined, I never realized that!!! Perhaps I relate to your words more than others or your comments resonate with me in ways that others don't. Please don't think I have any hidden agenda, I didn't realize I responded to your comments so much. I will be much more aware in the future. I had always thought that we were just having a 'discussion' here, batting ideas back and forth. So sorry!
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Determined, I just went back 3 months to see what I've posted and I haven't seen where I have said anything that was an 'issue' with your post. On May 16th (my birthday) you gave condolences for the death of my MIL. Around the same time you said I was hilarious!! on the Boobie thread. Now I'm confused. I HATE when I automatically accept what I THINK is criticism and try to find out where I made the mistake or error in my words and there's nothing I did or said, but I automatically felt sure I must have done something wrong. WHY am I like that???????
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From Webscape: "Dr. Fjelland: I think it's important for each of us who has an opportunity to work with patients who are diagnosed with life-threatening diseases like breast cancer, chronic illnesses, or devastating acute illnesses to ask the questions that give patients 'permission' to share what the deep and significant meanings of their illness are for them. Until this is done, we can only guess at the severity of the impact of the illness for these patients, and we might never learn the important facts that would have allowed us to intervene in the optimal manner that we can call 'best practice.'"
We are all helping by sharing our feelings - some of the things that go with depression are GUILT - we all seem to feel we are to blame for everything.... Sometimes it difficult to get our feelings across with just words & emoticons.
Please - keep sharing your feelings and never stop trying to help someone else.
Love you All, Martha
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Well said Martha! I'd be lost without my BCO gals!
Glad to see you post determined...sorry you are feeling so sad. I have good days and bad days and this week, started rough but is ending on a pretty good note.
A woman I did volunteer work with passed away from BC last Saturday and her service was Wednesday. She was such an amazing woman and when we volunteered together OMG would we laugh laugh laugh. I had not seen her in a couple of years and ran into her at my BS's office last October. I didn't speak with her there cause I was having a bad day and she did not look well at all and you know you don't wanna be like " Hey Colleen what are you doing here?? Havent seen you in a couple of years what ya been up to?? Ugh I do wish I said something but this will sound dumb but I sorta felt embarrassed to be there and was wearing my wig and was NOT happy with my recon and well I just didn't say anything to her and I really wish I did. She had a good life, a wonderful marriage, great kids and grandchildren but she still had a lot of life left to live. It makes me wonder why some survive and some don't. I hate cancer...three funerals in 2 months ..two cancer deaths.Blaaah I HAAAAATTTTEEE CANCER!!
On my good note. my very good friend is getting married soon and we are having a party for her and her fiancee on Sunday, so getting ready for it is just pumping me up to spend the evening with them and have fun like we all used to. My group of friends disburse in the summer...off to the Jersey shore, Dewey, OC...beach time. I never got into being at the beach all summer...I guess cause I have to work.
Claire -- I have been extremely tired and on and off depressed. i thought it was the Tamoxifen so I stopped it for the last two weeks. with permission from my onc that I will see next week. I would say the depression was two fold for me...one I think the T had my hormones ALLLLLLL over the place...and two I felt like I gained 50 lbs all from my belly button to my knees...not a good look. I will say I have lost the water weight gained and that alone makes me feel better PLUS ...TMI alert....I got my period for the first time in 6 months!! I swear I think I lost 20 lbs in the last week alone. I also am still completely exhausted. I talked to my onc today as i picked up my lab orders and he is running some thyroid test to see if thats the culprit. I have a twin and she has thyroid issues and its likely I do as well. Great another bleeping pill to choke down daily.
No shame in taking antidepressants at all. If you are feeling depressed due to chemical imbalance it might be the only thing to help.
ANyhow, thank GOD tomorrow is Friday. I am sooooo looking forward to this weekend. I have lots of cupcakes and cookies and other yummy treats to make for the party and I like to kiss up to my PS which I have an appointment with tomorrow morning. He is checking on my nip recon which I am not sure about since it flattened out so much I just dont know the next step. AND i am getting some BOTOX!! I can't wait to get rid of these tired old eyes I developed.
Boy this was long...and yes Jen sometimes I read but don't post cause I just don't have the energy these days.
MBJ where are you????? Miss you!
Good night all
Diane
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Diane: I am so sorry that you have yet another funeral to attend. You have been to more than your share lately. Enjoy the party on Sunday. You deserve to have some fun.
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Martha- Perfect message- Keep sharing and don't stop trying to help! You have eerily perfect timing in what you posted! Thank you!
DiDel- TMI on my part- just got mine for the first time in 4 months. Thought I was done with all that! Now I've heard of women who live together being on the same cycle- but women who post together? LOL! I second Elizabeth- Hope you have an AMAZING time on Sunday. Way too many funerals for one person!
Just met a friend for drinks tonight that I hadn't talked to in months. Not sure what made her reach out to me but glad she did even though my heart is breaking. She and her 2 kids were visiting her mom, who is dying from lung cancer and when she came home she discovered her husband had left her. OMG! Who would do such a thing? My heart just breaks for her.
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Martha-thanks for posting that message. Hits home. .
Diane-sorry for the losses in your life. I think what is hard for "people of a certain age" to realize that we are in that mid-life range that cancer is more common. And death enters our lives at a faster pace than we are used to. Its hard to not know someone who has not been touched by cancer. And as a survivor, we are especially tuned into all the loss. Knowing for but the grace of God, that could be us. I have been trying so hard in the last year since DX to seek out the success stories of women, 5, 10,20 years out of BC to know that life can get back to normal as normal can be. Somedays its just really hard tho. . . SOOOOOO celebrate life on Sunday. Have a blast, laugh a lot and often. We have to take these happy events and make them overpower the downer days.
Kate-sorry for being "revisited". That bites!! Its been almost a year for me, and I do think I would lose it if mine came back. One part of my old life I was happy to see go away!!! Wish I knew for sure if I was truly done. My MO says it may come back, my Gyn onc says its definitely gone since I had AC and I'm 49. They disagree with each other and it is quite annoying that they can't get on the same page for me!! : )
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Mostlymom
I love the quote from the doctor!~ I had so many complications and things happen that should not have happened that I wrote at the urging of some folks at our cancer resource center to the presdent of the hospital where all this happened. He called and I actually went in and broke down for him and the chief nursing officer the three hospitalizations and all that had gone wrong. They were so upset. They have asked me to come back and speak to their charge nurses. As a nurse I know how it is suppose to happen. They never once got defensive. Maybe in some small way I can help, so other women will not go through what I did. I am going to share that quote!
I leave Sunday with my hero husband to Atlanta for the Breast Nurse Navigator Course. I am so excited and hoping to change my career in this direction.
Diane so sorry for your loss. Yes this disease is so multilayered and complex and hideous. I took a friend who was diagnosed one month before me and has mets to the bone, liver, lung and adrenal glands for coffee last night. Exactly...... why some and not others.
Have you heard of the Army of Women. It is run by Dr. Susan Love. She had the brilliant idea to use the internet to find women to participate in breast cancer research studies. You sign up and will get emails related to studies that need participants. Some are for those who have never had BC some are for those that have. You read about it see if you qualify and are interested and then go to the contact info. A brilliant idea!! Saves time and money for the researchers.
We all come to the diagnosis with our own unique journeys up to that point. And each journey is precious and important to be able to travel with hope, and dignity and honesty. I told my friend we hope to travel this journey and to learn from it and be a better person from it but we have to travel it while maintaining the honesty of the journey. That honesty includes the days of sadness, anxiety, anger, hope, calm, grief at body image and intimacy changes and yes thank God even the days of laughter.
Take good care (sorry this is so long)
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Determined, thanks for stirring up my anxiety and then ignoring my post!!!
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barbe sorry. Hope you have a great weekend.
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Determined: you mentioned an article about the stages of grieving related to losing a breast. I would like to read it. Do you know who wrote the piece? Boy was I relieved when you sd it takes two years. I keep telling myself to "hurry up" because everyone around me wants me to be "normal" again and smile.
Reading the posts from the last few days left me very teary. Two days ago I cried more than I have in 15 years. I just signed on with a new PS and learned I need another 5 hour surgery to swap out my expanders, which are the wrong size and shape in addition to cleaning up some stuff and repositioning my nipples.
I have been working via the phone with a woman who specializes in body trauma. I sent her a text on Wednesday that just said "help!" and she was able to give me an hour on the phone yesterday. She helps me find my voice, anger, fear, sadness and by the time we hang up I feel empowered and centered again. Not that I didn't have another good cry yesterday, but working with her has been very beneficial. I like that she "gets" the trauma happening in my body and even over the phone her hearing is acute and she can tell a lot by my breathing and pitch.
Kate: I understand about the feelings of sadness. I didn't anticipate this when I made the decision to have the BMX. I was so focused on bc and coming to terms with my oncologists recommendation that i couldnt take in all that it meant. I feel sad that this will forever change things sexually for me and my DH. I am only 5 weeks into this so thank you for sharing so honestly at two years out.0
