Great saying about depression
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Hi,
I'm recovering from BMX, reconstruction, and oophrectomy on August 9. I was plenty anxious before the surgery, but didn't expect to find myself in such a funk afterward. Wow! I believe it's a combination of a number of things. I had heard this was a good place to talk about this so here I am.
Joyce
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Joyceva: Anesthesia combined with BC and surgery leaves us all feeling very down. Give it time with the anesthesia--it can take a month or two to wear off. As for everything else I think it can sometimes take a couple of years or more to come to terms as to what has happened to us. Come back and post often. Hugs.
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MBJ- I'm sorry you're still dealing with stuff from your injury! I know how hard it can be when something else gets piled onto what we're already dealing with. It's just too much and you've already had your share! Hope the healing kicks in SOON! I would definitely try the Arnica and boost your protein intake, too. (((hugs)))
justagirl- Definitely think my depression gets worse in the summer. I have seasonal depression- it's just the opposite season from most. I think it's a combination of things- less active because it's so hot, stuck in the house with the accompanying cabin fever and I have a traumatic event as a child in the summer so the heat triggers that as well. I did go off the new antidepressant but it was one my GP added in addition to the one I already take so I'm still on one. I'm going to try increasing my exercise level and see if that helps instead. So many SE's with meds so don't really want to add one more.
Hadley- I swear some people should never have kids and your Mom sounds like one of them. But if she hadn't- you wouldn't be here! So everything happens for a reason. I agree with MBJ, just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she has to be a part of your life. Toxic people, no matter if you share blood, need to be jettisoned for your own mental health. It's hard to do but, with time, you will probably be healthier for it. Not to say you can't reach out every once in awhile to see if she has changed. Just go in with no expectations so she can't hurt you again. So sorry. Sometimes those that have the worst parents, though, end up being the best parents themselves. So don't know if you have kids, or are going to have them some day, but try to take something positive from your experience. Your Mom has shown you what NOT to do. (((hugs)))
Diane- Glad you survived the hurricane! (Though I hear you have one curtain rod down- lol!) Love the image of you stacking storm debris back in your neighbor's yard! :-D
Well, I got my china cabinet! Love, love it! Similar cabinets online from the same company were selling for $2500 and I got mine for $400! Yippee! It was so heavy my DH had to get 3 neighbors to help him get it in the house. (Sorry, honey!) No highlights, though. Stylist went home sick. Bummer! (BTW, Stanzie, my hair is more a light brown with some blonde highlights though now it's more like gray highlights. LOL!)
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MJB - Thanks for getting back. I had no idea it could take that long for the anesthesia to get out of your system. Get well from your recent surgery.
Kate33 - what a beautiful china cabinet. : )
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Joyceva- I just wanted to welcome you, too, and second what MBJ said. My doctor told me that for every hour you're under anesthesia it can take your body about a month to recover- not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. Add up all the surgeries you've probably been through and it'll take some time. Then throw in all the other stuff and it's amazing any of us can walk around upright and function in society. I'm glad you posted. We're here to listen. Sometimes we just gab about whatever (like china cabinets) but we are all struggling with the same issues as you and understand. Feel free to vent, cry, whine, moan- because we all understand. (((hugs to you)))
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Kate, beautiful cabinet! Your home looks nice!
Hadley, while I am not the one with BC my daughter is. My own mother wouldn't give me the time of day if it was me. Nor will she reach out to her granddaughter. Some mom's just don't know how to be mom's. But if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be here. I on the other hand intend to be here every step of the way for my daughter. Trust me, If I could take this disease away from her and give it to me I would. I am sure you have lots of moms on here that will be here for you. I WILL!
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Kate,
Your china cabinet is Beautiful! I have 'china cabinet' envy! My china sits tucked away in a closed cupboard in my kitchen. I could move to Arizona for pieces like that.
Seasonal depression just means you get more depressed in one particular season than the others. For many where the weather is wet and stormy, winter is the month they don't deal with well.
I used to hear the doctors I worked with in the hospital say they would rather deal with a heart attack or a broken bone than a person who says they are depressed. One, it made me think the doctors didn't think they were depressed. Two, I thought the doctors just didn't know how to treat depression.
Truly, I would love to not be depressed. I would like to wake up and see the blue sky, hear the birds outside and jump out of bed. Well, it's just not happening. Today it only took me 2 1/2 hours from the time I woke up to get out of bed. That's actually am improvement for me, so maybe I am getting better. My DH and son have learned to leave me alone, which is better for me as it takes the pressure off.
Tomorrow is my anniversary marking one year since I finished chemo and radiation. Why do I remember?
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Lindsey- I finally got a chance to read your blog. It's great- very well written and loved how you explained to your readers exactly what we are going through physically esp. with TE/implants. I particularly loved the photos of your DH's woodworking and comparing it to the recon process. Very moving.
justagirl- I think a lot of us have "cancerversaries"- day we got DX, day of MX, etc. They're dates we'd rather forget but the reminders stare at us in the mirror. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I know those days can really get us down. Try to do something special to treat and pamper yourself if you can. (((hugs)))
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Whoa, I was under for 8 hours. That explains a bit of this "Dawn of the Dead" feeling. I'm glad I found you guys (Hugs)
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joyceva- I found this short article titled "Post-Surgical Depression" that I thought was kind of interesting. Check out the Post-Op Emotions Reminder List on the bottom. Wish I'd had that when I was going through all my surgeries. I think I wouldn't have been so hard on myself if I'd realized everything I was feeling was normal. Glad you found us, too!
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justagirl - My last radiation treatment was one year ago yesterday - chemo was June 18th. A new set of anniversaries for us to "celebrate" I guess.
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Kate33 - I love your china cabinet and the china in it. What a great find!
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Char- Aw, thanks! Glad you're all done with rads and chemo but sorry those dates stick in your head. Maybe we need to create some new memories for those dates? Like throw a big party on those dates and then, instead of me thinking December 27 is the date I got DX, I can remember it as that totally epic holiday party where the neighbors had to call the cops because my friends and I were partying so loud and having so much fun! Hmm, there might be a party in my future.....
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arrrgg anniverseries are the worst!! not help of me forgetting.. the day before my 18th wedding anniversary!!!!
we actually have started to celebrate it on a different day, then, we changed our minds this past year.. it was one thing breast cancer wasn't going to mess up!!!
for me, i have had depression a long time, so, with the bc; i expected it. then, the chemo pause was killer!!! now, i really DO take every day unto itself.
Stanzie; you know I understand, i have ms as well. drs. really don't "get" it about sleeping. the underlying fatuigue that is ms; plus, the hot flashes.. now i sleep from 6 am to 10 am every morning, can't do a thing in the early part of the day.. people aren't very supportive, i know. they think im just "lazy" ahhh Hadley, i'm so sorry the b*** continues. there was a time your brother and you were doing well. both my siter, and my mom are gone now. but, my mom
always put us against each other. it got better, im sorry to say it, but its' the truth. my sister and i got our stuff better, after mom passed. i hope you figure out a way to survive on your own, w/out her being anywhere near her.....3jays
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I lost my husband to lung cancer last August. Then I was diagnosed this past April. I am 56 years old with 2 sons, 24 & 26. I lost our house, then my breasts and next my hair.
If one more person tells me what doesn't kill me makes me stronger I shall strangle them!
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chiluvr1228,
Where do you live? I'll catch the first plane and help you with the strangling.
The worst was when someone said that same thing to my 16 year old son - how is me having breast cancer going to make him stronger?
Maybe 'they' should try having cancer!!!
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Stanzie- I'm sorry you're dealing with the fatigue and I definitely understand what you mean about the different kinds of tired. I know with MS it must be even worse than the fibro. Alll the sleep in the world doesn't help. Sorry you are worried about your boys, too. I know it must seem so overwhelming sometimes. (Just keeping telling yourself that some day when you're old they will be taking care of you!). Hope your DS has a better week in HS this week and the doctors can find ways to help your other DS. Lots of (((hugs))).
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Hi ladies, I have been gone for three weeks. One week at Breast Nurse Navigator Course in Atlanta and the last two weeks in two different states for work. Yes, I brought up the Army of Women. It is a fabulous thing for all women to be a part of. Those with and without breast cancer. You can sign up and they will send you out studies and if you are in the area and qualify you can investigate further. It is a way to get women for these studies quickly and save time and money for the researchers. It is a great idea!
The navigator course was wonderful!!! So much info. Glad my hubby was with me because it was difficult emotionally.
Kate so sorry that this continues. We should never have to justify or apologize for wanting to feel and look as normal as possible.
For those of you, sorry so many posts, that are feeling the sadness that underlies this diagnosis I am sorry. I too can't seem to capture that easy joy. And I still grieve the loss of friends that I thought would be there. But as someone said the ones I have now are deep and lasting friendships. We loose so much with this disease. Not just our breasts, but our assumptions of what life is or should be. We learn of how frail life is, how unpredictable. But we also learn of strength the kind that is truly courageous. We all have that strength, made stronger by the support of the women on this site.
We have learned of sacrifice and love from those who have cared for us. And while we realize all that has happened can only be understood by those that have walked the path we would just love if we could have an empathetic understanding by those who are blessed not to have this disease. We I guess have to take those teachable moments when it is safe for us to do it. I understand not wanting to be with lots of people.
I guess I am rambling, good to be back and for those that are new, I hope we can offer encouragment and support that meets your needs. To the ones who are well traveled in this journey I wish you a good day and peace.
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Wow my internet goes out for the weekend and I feel so far behind. Don't know where to begin.
Kate--I love the china cabinet. I would love to have something that pretty to show off my grandmother's china. We have a hand me down from my DH's aunt, and well, it is a little too 1970's. i love your idea about throwing the party--we should make our cancerversaries a celebration of survival and strength--not just a moment of reflection on what ifs or why me. ( listen to me the queen of self pity!)
Determined--welcome back--The BNNC sounds like a wonderful/painful thing to have to go thru as a BC person yourself. I admire your courage.Your words are such a comfort to me and I am sure others, take joy in that. It's not the same kind of "easy" joy you are longing for--but I believe you can find strength in the fact that your words bring ease to others.
Stanzie, 3jays,Kate--I honestly don't know how you balance BC and FM and MS. You are my idols. I feel sorry for myself and I feel my struggle is making me unhinged and look at you gals and get strength. Just putting one foot in front of the other daily and dealing with all your different issues, it is amazing. And you come here and offer your comfort to others. Wow.
Joyce, Hadley, Char,Chilurv--welcome to our little support group. I am sorry you are here, None of want to feel the way we do, but sharing it and seeking strength from others will help us get thru this horrible thing called BC.
Diane--I am so glad you made it thru this week from Mother Nature hell!! I giggled when you told about your neighbors branches. We have the same thing. Only palm trees in our yard, but everyone elses oak branches blow into our yard after a storm. If only people would trim their own trees. . .
Justagirl, MBJ, Barbe,Lindsey,Big hugs today for all the challenges you have been going thru.
(((((((((((((BIG GROUP HUG)))))))))))))))))
NOw, my little rant.
My boss calls me in her office Saturday and delivers in IP-Improvement Plan she must give me since I did not "meet standards" on my review this year. Two areas, my showing my stress and not handling stressful situations well, and my continued learning development. First of all, I am an hourly Manager at a national bookstore(the one still in business) and have been there for 3 years now. My last review was in May. It was ok but no NI's. I was given a learning plan to work on 6/4/10. 6/11 I was DX. Chemo July to December, BMX in January and 33 rads ending this 4/11. To say that I was on my top form this year would be an understatement.To say I put any effort to go above and beyond would be ridiculous. Somedays I just showed up, hell, for awhile alot of days. But I was there because even at limited capacity, I still did a job they NEEDED. . I did take 3 days off here, 5 days off there during chemo. No time off during rads and only 6 wks for my BMX. This job is very physically demanding and a constant 8 hours on your feet.
It amazes me the lack of compassion this company has shown me in this process. I just don't get it. The bottom line is I have 90 days to show improvement or I am out the door. The job gives me so much stress--and I know that some is self induced,, but still. . . I would love to tell her to shove it--love to tell corporate how I think but know that is only something I can do as I am walking out the door. But we need my paycheck. . .
So today on my day off I have to read a book on mgmt skills and plan my rise from the ashes. That is if I want to keep my job. Great way to relax and spend my day off!! Thinking about the job that gives me so much stress. (BTW this is the same witch that formally wrote me up for not calling her personally--instead of the mgr on duty at the store, when my GM was passing away and I flew up to VA for 4 days for the funeral. Also to see my sis who had just been DX w/BC, my dad with PC--so just a little going on at the time.--did I say lack of compassion before??)
I know I left out alot--she says I "sigh" too much--she reads that as discontent. But I sigh ALL the time, it is how I BREATHE. I learned that years ago from a therapist to breathe to let the emotions come out with my breath. Can't change 30 years of old habit that is very natural to me. OOps I just sighed.
So I am off to organize my life. The house won't get cleaned today. Or laundry done. Or finishing that book I have been reading for a month(it is almost 800 pages!) PTTHHHH!!!
Again thanks for listening. I think I can get off that soap box now and move on. At least I'll try.
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WOWWWW!! Sorry that was a junior novel. . .
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Claire: You deserve better treatment and lots more compassion. Sometimes people are cruel beyond belief and I am sorry that you have encountered those people. Rant away. That is what we are here for. Sending hugs to you.
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cmblastic I am so sorry you have to deal with the job frustrations. No one can understand the different layers both physically and emotionally you are going through but you would think they would try!!! I hate that you have this added stress.
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Determined- ramble on, because you got it right! You are right about losing our assumptions of what life is or should be. I think I've always thought life is difficult, but I don't think I've ever dealt with loss or grief, so this is a new added dimension to life's difficulties. Thank you for your words, you helped me think through what is core for me right now.
Kate - thanks for your comments about my blog. It is interesting when I am having a rough patch I don't blog and now everyone knows this so I start getting emails, "how are you? What's going on?". Feeling some responsibility to keep family and friends informed has actually been good for me because I have to check-in with myself and take my emotional tempature. I want to check out the link you posted about post op emotions. Maybe I will blog this afternoon about that since I am 8 days away fr surgery! And your china cabinet is beautiful! I showed just that pic to DH but he is designing and soon to begin building a dining room table so the china will have to wait! :-). One more thing, I got my MRI results last Dec 27, 2010 which finally led to BMX, so we share a cancerversary. Somehow, I think the day of BMX will be the date that sticks with me though. Living with original DX in 2004 has been one thing, but losing my breasts is indescribable. There is the grief in this whole thing for me.
Debbie, I am thinking of you today. As Leonard Cohen's line goes "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I just lit a candle for you and will let it burn all day! ((((((hugs)))))))0 -
Determined- I'm glad you are back and I really admire you for doing the BNC course. It's kind of like taking this horrible thing (BC) and turning it into something of value. I am struggling to find that myself. As I was reading your last post I was thinking, "Wow, this would be a great excerpt in a book!" So if that is your "rambling" then ramble on, ramble on!
Claire- Thanks for your kind comments but don't always feel I am managing both the fibro and the BC issues. Today is one of those days. Still in my jammies and couldn't even put forth the effort to get dressed to drive my DS to school. (DH went alone even though we've been all going together every morning- new tradition.) I feel like such a crummy mom sometimes with my lack of energy and focus. Oh well, we do what we can, right?
I am so sorry your company is being so GD S****Y to you!!! That is appalling! I am so sick of Corporate America! There's no jobs and the ones there are the workers are treated like garbage- overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. I can't believe your boss, A WOMAN, would have so little empathy. You just want to tell her, "God forbid you get sick someday because this company isn't going to treat you any better." I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this extra stress on top of everything else! (BTW, I "sigh", too, occasionally. My DH is always asking me what's wrong but I keep telling him it's just the way I breathe sometimes.)
Lindsey- I like what you said about taking your "emotional temperature". I think maybe I need to do that more. I feel so "checked out" lately.
Well, yesterday I applied for a crummy part-time, no benefits, lousy pay job. (Can you hear the excitement in my voice?) Oh well, desperate times call for desperate measures. The job is a library page for the city where I live. The upside is it's quiet and I would be surrounded by books! Let's see if I, and the 200 other people who probaby applied since there aren't any jobs here right now, get called for an interview. (Boy, I really need to work on my positivity, don't I?)
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I forgot to tell everyone- I submitted a story idea to "60 Minutes" asking them to do a piece on breast reconstruction. I said women are not being given enough information by their surgeons to make an informed decision regarding reconstruction. And they are not being told about all of their options, just the ones the surgeon they consult with personally can perform. I stated that women are still (in 2011!!!) not being told about nipple sparing and fat grafting. They are not being told about the long term side effects of some recon choices. Anyway, I got an email from the Director of Audience Services asking me to submit more information to their story editor! If I don't hear back within 4-5 weeks it means they have decided not to pursue my story idea. I hope they do this story. I told them there is so much emphasis on breast cancer awareness (Hello? Yes, we're aware there is BC!) and very little on giving women the information they need to deal with the aftermath of BC.
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Claire, I was writing over a couple hour period between conversations with DH and eating breakfast, so just saw yr post. I wonder in the Corp world if her boss is treating her the way she is treating you? I have always been a softy boss, but through this journey AND my boss telling me nothing is more important than your health I find her lack of compassion for you beyond unexceptable! I have to believe in karma or I couldn't live in this world with people like her. Why are some women bosses like this with other women? Grrrrrrrr!
So I have to tell you what a great employee you are to even "just" show up with all you have going on! Talk about strength and perserverence. I think that needs to go on your future resume! I think your avatar needs to be the Phoenix!0 -
Kate33 - the article is very helpful. I'm going to read it another few times so it sticks in my head. Why we are so hard on ourselves is beyond me!
Chiluvr1228 - People who say that have no idea - none whatsoever. I think that statement just causes more pain! BTW, where are you from?
Char2010 - I've had the hardest time with the anniversary of my diagnosis, but didn't notice it so much this year since I was just coming out of surgery. I've thought from the beginning of this ordeal that I could buy myself a special bead for every milestone similar to kids in treatment who get a bead for every procedure here at Sick Kids Hospital. Something like a pandora bead/charm (or more likely an imitation pandora). I still want to get on this since every step of what we've gone through is monumental and ought to be honored.
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Hi ladies! This thread is on my favorites but I don't always have time to check it. Did today.
Kate, that is very exciting about 60 Minutes being interested! I couldn't agree more that we go into reconstruction not knowing or understanding everything that could go wrong. PS's are sketchy about it for a reason. I am shocked at how extensive, scary, and long this recon process has been.
I knew with every ounce of my being that I wanted a BMX; that was never my issue. I was totally OK with losing my boobs — in part because I thought I was replacing them! What I *wasn't* prepared for were the complications I've experienced since my BMX in Feb that have delayed my moving forward. Had I known that getting back to some semblance of 'normal' would take me until next summer(when I will finally have Exchange), I don't think I could have gotten through the initial months following BMX.
We all need to be better educated about the recon process. It will help women's expectations going through it, and also help the people around us understand what we are going through. That's been the toughest nut for me... people think I am already done, that I already have my implants! No one knows what TE's are. No one understands what expansion is. No one fully comprehends the potentially serious complications and setbacks. Someone needs to lift the lid on this whole process — I hope 60 Minutes decides to bite! ;-)
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joyceva- I love your idea about the charms and beads. Hmm, wonder if it's too late to get mine retroactively?
Rennasus- Wow, you just summed it up- I thought I was replacing my boobs! It was downplayed so much in my first appointment with the PS. It kind of felt like the boobs would feel the same only the stuffing would change. There was absolutely NO mention of numbness, pec muscles being moved, etc. Hoping 60 Minutes sees the value in this, too.
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Wow you gals have been busy!! Welcome to all the newbies to this thread! I always say the more the merrier!
Claire --- I dont even know where to begin with your crappy BIOTCH of a boss. So now your breathing is an issue???
thats completely insane!! My co workers were the complete opposite of the crazy woman you work with. You poor thing...that really stinks. I think I'd have to look for another job. The stress of every BC is enough to deal with..you dont need to be treated like that. I esp hate when a woman boss beats down a woman coworker...she should be lending you a helping hand not kicking you when you're down. Sorry you have to endure that bad behavior. Determined!!! Welcome back...I second Kate..Kudos to you for having the strength and courage to be a BNN and sharing your experieces with others to make their journey easier.
Joyceva Yes I like that bead idea too. Although I shopped and bought myself post mx purse ...post chemo shoes...post recon party dress...
I have been trying to finish this for an hour...my poor puppy has diarheeeeeeeeeeeeeee and I have run outside about 8 times since beginning this.
MBJ how are you feeling sweetie!?!?! Hope you feel better today. {{{{HUGS}}}} to you!
Kate I dont know if I said I liked your cabinet..but I do. Awesome idea about the 60 minutes segment. I agree there is so much no one tells you till its too late. My PS did explain everything he just didnt tell me it would be a two year process. That was the hardest part for me...and I am sure so many...revisions after revisions and feeling like maybe you're being picky. I can't wait to hear if they go for it!!
Ive totally lost my train of thought...so I will sign off here and come back as needed. My poor puppy.
Thank GOD Monday is over...Oh did I mention the man made disaster will be thundering through Baltimore City starting tomorrow.,.The Grand Prix Race....Yeah...traffic congestion...road closures...jacked up prices for parking...overcrowded lunch spot,...and NOISE lots of NOISE. I can't wait..
for a 6 lovely days..UGHDiane
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