Great saying about depression
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Diane - I'm so sorry about your neighbor and my gosh that whole day is just horrible! I'm so sorry I'm know you were just totally worn out at the end. I know I need to be looking into anything I can do about my insurance but sometimes it is just so hard to want to even start dealing with all of that.....
Seems like now a day you have to fight for everything... used to be companies did the right thing now they try and see how much they can get away with or try to sneak in extra charges till you notice... what is wrong with people now? Just like that receptionist you had to deal with, if she had been nice, sympathetic, acted (I mean even just acted) like she cared and was trying to help then the whole thing wouldn't have been so bad. Sometimes I just listen to people's responces and think if only the other person would have a touch of compassion (especially in the medical field) - even if they can't change anything it just makes such a huge difference....
I have gotten some estimates for getting more security around my house and it just makes me so angry. Yes they know I have had a home invasion so are they nice, try and help me quickly and offer reasonable soulutions? Nope. They price gouge - see this big house, frighened woman and go oh boy let's rip her off.... Lovely. Then my current alarm company well it is now November and the incident happened at the end of Sept. have they even gotten back with me, replied to my emails or calls?? It's like there are so many people now in the world, they think oh well, there are other customers out there so who cares.... Need to call about my cable bill and fight for it to go back down to the price agreed... have to do this about 4 times a year... why??
Anyway, Diane - so sorry for everything..... really isn't fun being grown up, is it?
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Wow it seems it has been a really challenging, frustrating, scary and sad week for this wonderful group of women.
Diane, can't they give you something else to use for your asthma that is less? I wonder if the drug company can work with you. Some of them have numbers you can call and they can provide for free or less. I am so sorry about your neighbor. Feeling helpless to change or help is so hard. As women we want to nurture and fix peoples problems and sadness. Addiction is such a sad and lonely disease.
Stanzie so scary. I know my alarm went off in the middle of the night when my husband was traveling once. Of course my dear dog didn't make a peep! A handsome young policeman came out and went through the entire house and all the attic spaces and nothing. But it is so scary!
Just found out another friend passed away of lung to liver mets in Sept. I had not gotten an update from her husband so I called another friend. She was out of state. She made it two years from her initial diagnosis. How can one single cell be so powerful?
I think I am skipping a page here and can't get to it?
Barbe did you get to see your grandson on Sunday?
This is what someone told me that I am hanging onto. "Nobody elses understanding of your story changes the fact that it is true"
This was after a discussion about how people don't get our journey or minimize it.
With this disease we become such strong advocates for ourselves.
Have a peaceful day ladies.
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Stanzie- I completely get what you are saying. It feels like our country is just morally bankrupt right now. Everyone seems to be in it for themselves and there doesn't seem to be morals or values or even manners anymore. Somewhere, sometime, someone dropped the ball on how to raise caring and empathetic people. It makes me sad but then I come here and listen to all of you always offering support and concern to total strangers and faith in humanity is restored! I sometimes lose sight of that and I just want to say that I appreciate all of you so much!
It is a rainy cool morning here in the desert. The clouds are hanging low on the mountains I see from my kitchen windows and the desert trees are fills with tiny little raindrops hanging from each thorn. It is absolutely beautiful. That is what I'm going to focus on right now and try to ignore all the people in my (real) life that are ticking me off right now! l
Wish me luck! 0 -
Weary
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so, i went to the drs. today, the one i like, and sure enough none of the drs. i've seen , have set him any info.. not even the 3, yes 3 drs. he recommended.. no thank you, this is whats' up...nanda.. he told me there's a blood test that should be doe to ck my auto immune. that'll change everything WTH 3 drs, no one tells me anything!!! I think im a mushroomm.. they keep me in the dark, and feed me shite!!!haha he wrote the rx; for a tsh, a vit d level, and that test... then, foff to the cat scan.. sure enough, im tired, cause i have YET ANOTHER bacterial infection!!!i told the dermo the surgery site was sore, she was SO SURE it wasn't infected....grrr... he'll get the culture back, and get it straight, and i'll be good. wish he could be my pcp; since he does it all, anyway!!!!
ya just gotta laugh it off, or self empload, i swear... people are just not NICE thats' for sure.. !!!.....3jays
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3jays--why don't docs know how much we go thru--don't they have our charts in front of them? Can't they see how we need answers NOW not when they feel like??!!! Sorry you can't get the results you deserve.
Determined--I am so sorry about your friend losing their battle with cancer. Life is just not fair anymore.
Stanzie--my house was broken into years ago. they think I may walked in on them because they entered thru our back french doors but left thru my son's window on the other side of the house. Why climb thru a window when you can just walk out a door? They didn't get much but knowing someone pilfered thru my stuff is so violating. Ick. Page forward to today and enough time has gone by and we are thinking we don't need the security system(trying to cut $$) and I call ADT and they lower my bill so I would stay. Just like the phone and cable people, if you bee-atch to the right person--they will lower your bill.
Back to work after a day off. meant to job hunt on the computer yesterday, but the darn internet was down most of the day(excuses, excuses!) Good thing is my boss is off today so I won't have to deal with her until tomorrow. Make sure I take my ativan tomorrow!!
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Hi Everyone,
Diane, I am sorry about your neighbor and even sorrier for his kids. What a loss for them all and you.
Determined, sorry I didn't respond last week. I've been at an awesome retreat for five days--meditation, Tai Chi, massage, art, and drumming. A wonderful place to experience my anger, grief, sadness, resolve, release, and joy. Anyway, the way I was instructed to do my vision board was to put a picture of myself and then affirmations around it like: I am a strong and powerful woman, I can do it, My heart is filled with gratefulness, I am full of wonderment and curiosity, etc. Then a picture of my hubby and me with "couple" affirmations. Then I have a section with dates: June 2012 - multiple pictures of Hawaii, snorkeling, beautiful fish, etc. June 2014 - 10th Anniversary and lots of pictures of Italy. I have a picture of a woman holding dollar bills representing retirement savings, and finally I have a section on Mindfullness. I've cut lots of pictures and words out of magazines including a billboard that says "Breast Cancer - DETOUR." Some of the pictures are of a lotus, and words like Exhale, A Fresh Start, Breathe, etc. At the bottom of the board, I have in big letters: The World is Conspiring in my Favor!
The board has to be in a place you will see every day and it is a way to fill your mind with the positive things you want. I find it interesting how things keep "happening." Today a business colleague and I met for lunch. She brought me a book on tape to listen to while I recover from my exchange surgery next week. She said "I hope you like Italy because the book is centered there!" Well, isn't that fun and interesting? Some of you might think I sound like Pollyanna, but at this point in my cancer journey, it is the way I am finding some peace, hope, and centeredness. I want my life and joy back and to look at my vision board every morning makes me smile. That is a start.
The pre-ops went well and I am ready for the exchange next week. I am happy to get rid of these TEs and into some squishies!
My best to everyone!
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LIndsey: Your retreat sounds amazing! I am a big believer in putting your dreams out there visually so they become a reality in your life. I love, love, love Italy, too. My favorite place to vacation in. The food, the people, the weather-everything there is just gorgeous.
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aaahhhhh Italy is my dream vacation...although I have family in Nice, France...I am saving up to do both. Itally is about a 20 minute drive from France...or so my cousin tells me. She is a teacher and has most of the summer off so we were talking about doing a house swap hopefully next summer.
3jays. sorry for your infection...I am so petrified of infection on the recon side its one of the reasons i will not use alloderm on that side.
Kate maybe the alloderm is the reason for so many CCs I remeber when you had your exchange it sounded like your PS used a lot of Alloderm..can that be removed?? My PS told me that the new textured implants are suppposed to lessen your chance of CC...my other fear behind infection.
Stanzie I have ADT which has been pretty good to me. Infact a couple of times they had to come out and replace stuff from a break in attempt they didnt even charge me. The guy felt sorry for me I suspect.
Lindsay your vision board sounds awesome! Maybe I will create one for a better 2012!!
Well so far no funeral for my neighbor since he required an Autopsy and my guess is Baltimore City morgue is a busy place. Thanks for all the kind words..it truly is so sad.
Have a great day everyone...beautiful fall day here and I am headed to do yard work...MBJ welcome to the world of raking leaves!!
Enjoy
Diane
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Lindsey sounds like a great retreat. The vision board does sound nice. Maybe I should make one for my office at home.
You said the retreat was good because it was a good place to experience anger, sadness, grief and resolve. Yes isn't that the way we are now? We cycle through these stages often and at different intensities. I got angry at being where I am almost two years later last night. But thankfully it didn't last long. So frustrated sometimes that the world at large just thinks it's about pink tee shirts and once you have surgery or treatment it is done. Oh well. It is what it is.
I sent off a resume in the hopes of pursuing a Nurse Navigator role. It wouldn't be until next spring but wow I would be thrilled!
Rainy today. Need to just be able to get away and forget about breast cancer. But how...... I feel the implants and am not complete. How do you get away from it really ever totally?
Textured implants in theory are to help reduce CC but I think the studies show only a small percentage difference. I just went from textured to smooth and the smooth have less ripples at least now and are more comfortable to wear. Feel I may look a bit smaller but my husband said no or if so not very much. Don't you just get weary of it all.
3jays so sorry for your infection. I battled that as well and I know how discouraging it is. I ended up with a PICC line and 6.5 weeks of almost 24/day infusions. But it kicked it. Maybe you need a more intense therapy?
But I keep remembering that courage is sometimes the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow. We have lost control over so much of what is happening to us and being done to our bodies. We will never loose control over our spirits.
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MJB - I am just new to this idea of putting your dreams in visual form. I've heard about it for years, but have always been "too busy" to try it.
I saw at the retreat that I was much more proactive in taking care of myself- taking an hour out to go back to my room to meditate or rest. I would NEVER have done that before bc. That whole crap about having to do things perfectly. :-( My mentor asked me last week that if bc has helped me learn to slow down, have a voice, and take great care of myself could I see it as a gift? I attended a lecture three years ago and heard Sheryl Crowe say cancer changed her life for the better. I did not think that at the time, but I am in a different place and after journeying this for 71/2 years I think I can now say it has been my wake up call for the better. Prior to this I think I would say "the task" (clean house, perfection at work, garden tidy, beautiful dinner parties, etc.) were most important, but now it is relationships. So many women I never knew have shown up the past five months to bring dinner or share the emotional journey and I want to honor that and make that part of who I am becoming.
Wow, maybe this should have been on my blog and not here. I just started writing and got carried away. Sorry!0 -
Determined,
And sometimes courage is simply the will to place one foot in front of the other.
Hang in there. :::hugs:::
Martha
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Martha you are so right!!! I told someone just the other day sometimes a successful day is just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through that day.
I think the loss of two friends in a couple weeks one from breast ca and one from lung to liver is taking it's toll. I am just weary.
But surrounded by encouragment as I see all of you getting through all the difficult times. Still at times even after almost two years can't believe it has all happened.
Thankful for true friends and my hero husband.
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I truly don't think my cancer has been a gift! It has made me an angry person that my medication is barely covering. I am just SO upset at my body for giving me something ELSE to have to medicate and treat!! If I told y'all everything I have wrong with me, you'd think I was just yanking your chain. I take 12 prescriptions in the morning and 8 in the evening. My doc's office called me in for Monday due to cholesterol levels. If I have to take another pill I think I'll just say foreget it!!! I'll stop everything. This is getting ridiculous!!
I think it was Oprah that said as long as you have hope...we'll I think I've run out of that too!!
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(((Barbe)))): I wish you could switch to an integrative dr., and get off of the pill train. That is too much to take. Of course, I take that many supplements but there aren't any side effects. Hugs!!!
Didel: So sorry to hear about your neighbor. Too young to die and too young to die alone. Hugs! BTW: Who needs to rake leaves when the wind picks up and takes the neighbors leaves and deposits them in everyone else's yard, lol!
Lindsey: Friendships are now a priority for me, too. I used to be busy, busy, busy doing and now I just want to be with the people I care about.
Though cancer has given me so many emotional and physical challenges, I have learned to put myself first, to ask for help, to make my life a priority before others. I wouldn't wish BC on anyone but it also forced me to make better changes in my life.
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determined: thats' why i
go to this dr.. he cultures me every month, and we've avoided the heavy anti bs and the picc line, even with mrsa 2xs with the bmx!!!he's a wonder!!!
Barbe: i know the meds you take, and i know they're neccesarry for your situation. supplements just won't get it at the stage your at!!!!
i just hope you can reach inside, and find something to hold on to, everyday. i also had my Grands in that spot, can't do that anymore, either... my health improving is something I CAN affect; even by a smidge.. a little walking her (even with the walker) a little stretching there, a pound at a time losing, it all adds up. i won't be watersiing, anymore, im past that; but im determined i can acheive more than i've been doing.. set yourself little goals everyday. i would say help someone else, but you do; you help your DH a lot.. i've turned to Mur more, and tried to appreciate one new thing every day.. thats' my version of the vision board, for now... believe me: i have to LOOK somedays for that one thing....................hahaha3jays
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3jays: Sorry you are having a rough go of it but you seem to have a great dr. and a great attitude.
Barbe: I wasn't at all suggesting taking supplements instead but gettting a second or third opinion because I thinks it's dangerous to be on so many drugs at one time. Hugs!
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MBJ I didn't take your comment that way, but understand why 3jays reacted to it. Two of my meds are for my kidney and a couple more are for my heart. Some others are for my arthritis, a couple for depression and anxiety, and then comes in the pain meds for my spinal stenosis and DDD. I have tried before to wean mysel but the breakthrough pain was debilitating. I am actually taking less breakthrough meds by pre-medicating in the am and pm. I'm still able to function properly but do still feel pain. I can't imagine what my pain level would be at without the meds!!
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Barbe I can't imagine the pain you are in. I am sorry for all you have to endure. And to add the emotional pain your daughter is causing. ((((Barbe)))))
Yesterday, I broke down at work and cried in front of a few employees. I feel awful about that and it just made me realize that I have to find a plan to get out of there. My problem is I don't want to give her the satisfaction of saying I was the failure--even tho that's how I feel. Spent all yesterday afternoon job searching. Think I need to start looking at going back to school after Christmas. Something. Just feel my sanity eroding day by day, hour by hour.
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Claire I am so sorry you are in that job situation. That makes everything so much harder. I am glad you are looking. It least you have a sense maybe of some control. That you can make a change. Although so hard in this economy.
Barbe I am sorry that you have so much on your plate. Sometimes it is a matter of taking one day, one hour or even one minute at a time.
So hard sometimes to move forward with our bodies so changed, our emotions so beat up. We have to hold on to each little thing that brings us joy I guess. Sometimes I just look at old pictures and I find myself smiling.
I have an MRI tonight to find out why I have been having pain since June.
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Claire...dont ever feel bad about melting down....everyone needs a good cry every now and again and GOD knows we have lots of reasons for one..let it out!!!! Glad you are thinking of leaving your job...I feel for anyone who doesnt like what they do or who they do it with...life is too short to be miserable or stressed. Try an online course ..that may be the easiest way to get yourself back in the groove of class.
Determined I am so excited for you and the nurse navigator...I love the NN at my oncologist office...she is my therapist...medical advisor...personal assistant..cheerleader and someone I consider a friend. She has been so helpful and amazing through the whole process I couldnt imagine having to do it all on my own. Bravo!! Sorry you are having an MRI this evening....good luck...I hope its nothing....but something enough to resolve your pain.
MBJ ok I have NO trees in the front but spent an hour raking there...guess from where the leaves and STYROFOAM plates blew...yes my filthy neighbors across the street. You would think with 6 boys and two men in the house they would help a sista out but NO. Oh well...it was great exercise and quiet time. Charlie just sat on the porch chewing a bone...he loved it too.
Barbe I am with you ...I literally can not swallow another pill daily. I had to get the new gummy vitamins cause I could not choke down all the supplements I was taking anymore. I am sorry you are having so much to deal with.
I talked to my PCP yesterday and he is going to rewrite my prescription for generic singulair so after we see if it helps we will try another med...wish he would have done that in the first place $135 later.
I am off to the orthodontist today to consult on braces...UGH..I just figure while I am in "fix it" mode may as well fix this tooth that has been bothering me for years.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!! I will be at various bday celebrations and probably wont be online. Very busy schedule...3 birthdays and my stupid 2 year anniversary of diagnosis. UGH!! Lets see how this one goes....
Diane
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Good luck Determined! I pray your MRI is clear BUT they find the reason for your pain!
Claire, when I couldn't stop crying at work, I went on short-term-disability. When Konakat passed, that was just the last straw and I lost it at work. Just couldn't stop crying. I left and went and applied for disability as I was crying. Good luck sweetie, maybe a break is possible?
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Thanks guys! I don't have a nurse navigator job yet, but am looking so am praying that it will happen if it is suppose to.
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I love Italy, too! Maybe we should have a G-SAD (great saying about depression) (interesting that it spells out sad, huh?) reunion in Italy next year! With the way their economy is going over there we might be able to get some great rates!
Diane- The PS I consulted with last week said if I do have surgery in the future he would recommend removing all that Alloderm. (He said he's never seen a PS use as much as mine did!) I guess it's pretty tricky taking it out so he said to go to someone with a lot of experience if I didn't go to him. Hope you have a great weekend and either celebrate or forget all together your cancerversary.
Determined- Sending good thoughts your way for the MRI today. Is the pain related to your recon or is it something new going on? It all has to work out fine so you can take that nurse navigator position that I KNOW is going to be offered to you in the spring!
Claire- Sorry about your break down but I understand it completely. I used to have a job I absolutely hated. Every Sunday around 3 or 4 I would start feeling do depressed knowing I had to go back to that place. It sucked the life out of me. I say you start working on your exit speech to your evil boss (sprinkled with LOTS of profanity, of course) and just practice it in your head whenever you're there. It will give you something to look forward to!
barbe- I think it's so hard when you're already struggling with something chronic and then another challenge (in your case several challenges) come along. I always look up and say, "Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!?!" They say God only gives us what (s)he knows we can handle but sometimes I think God has WAY too much confidence in me.
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I didn't know alloderm is such a bad thing? I asked my PS to cover everything with it so it would help decrease the chance of rippling since I evidently have such thin skin.
The MRI is for my ankle, pain since June gets worse with exercise which is killing me not to do as I am use to walking a couple miles a day. So I would lay off for a bit and it decreases but the minute I do any walking it is back.
I think we get weary of living and thinking about this disease. I told my husband last night I just need to get away from it. But that is not possible. I guess we look for distractions or times that we know we feel joy and seek those out. I believe we are all learning every day how to live with this disease.
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determined, i hope the find a reson/ tx for your ankle pain, and soon..
Im sorry if i reacted to your comment , MBJ.. i saw a woman have seizures after somone told her she was taking too many pills for illnesses, so i guess im "a bit techy" as the aussies say... i try to take as amny of the supplements i tak in liquid form beats the pills, et al...
but, there's times where you just can't go without some of thrm.. im stuck in that situation, but thankgoodes, im so allergic, there's few I CAN take.. Im allergic to codeine... wish i COULD take vicodin. i have to skip the whole stage, and go up.. projectile vomiting isn't something you can do on a eeg. basis.. i tried, tho, and ended in hospital with dehydration.. they thought id lost my mins!!hahaha
I so agree with you, determined.. i wish i could "go" with this hyo i can't.. having agitated depression, and not being able to move around much, just leaves me depressed, and agitated!!!!
Barb; im so sorry sunday was such a bust.. it never occurred to me that you (not so) DD wouldn't show up at al.....we just have to grin, and bear it.. after the push and pull with my son, and all his there's 50 other weeks in a year comment; he called tonight to see if we'd babysit sunday night..
the pi&&&off part of me wanted to say no, but the part that misses the kids, won out... id rather have them alone, anyway..... you can't win.. less they let you. or need you.grrrr........3jays
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sorry for all the typos. my hands are so screwed up, its the best i can do.. im thinking santa needs to bring me Dragon software, with voice recog. for me..3jays0
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Claire best of luck on the job search. What type of work do you do? Trying to find a new job is a job in itself. I am job hunting and it is is very frustrating. I desperately need to get back to work for my financial, emotional and mental well-being. I have sent out SO many resumes...with such little response. I am so discouraged.
Diane which gummy vitamins do you take? Do you like them ok? I am also over swallowing all of the supplements and vitamins. Good luck on the generic singulair.
3jays I echo you, I am suffering with depression and agitation. Last week my mom was trying to blame it on tamoxifen, but I think it is really the situation as a whole that causes me to be so sad and irritable.
Determined good luck on your MRI and you get good answers.
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I know exactly how you feel, o.k. I don't know how YOU feel but I feel very similiar to you. I am always depressed and I can't find anyone to talk to, my friends have either backed off or they give me the be strong you can beat this speech! Somedays (maybe most) I am not strong' it is a fight with myself everyday just to get out of bed and when I do get up sometimes I don't see the point in it. I think people think it is taking me too long to "get over it" and believe me I want to get over it but I can't.
I used to take a small amount of pleasure in the reconstruction process, thinking that if I got those back maybe I could start to pretend I was normal again, you know the fake it 'till you make it attitude, but now that doesn't help it just seems to be another fake part of my new life. As the treatments progress (herceptin) I feel worse not better like there is no end to this and maybe I went through all this for nothing and I will never win. I see people going through it for years and with great attitudes and I wish I could be them but I am not and I don't think I will ever be them. .
I am sorry if this wasn't an upbeat post but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and maybe, just maybe with some understanding from each other we can find our way through horrible hurdle in our lives.
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Hmmm, this all makes me wonder if I'd have been MUCH worse if I'd gotten recon!! Alloderm is cadaver skin and of course it would be foreign to your body, but only as much as plastic would be, so it shouldn't make a difference.....should it??
3jays, have a BLAST on Sunday with the grands!!! I'm envious!!
My son volunteered to come to my therapy session with me!!! It was hard to cry in front of him and have him hear me tell my therapist about Sunday, but on the other hand, perhaps it made it really real for him. I felt very vulnerable...but glad I did it. Maybe now he will understand how much seeing the kids makes a difference to my life. We talked about 'joy' and I don't have any!!!
Hi Marylou...welcome.
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