Great saying about depression
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Good luck Diane at your appt.
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Diane,
Boy, do I know that feeling...about dreams. I'm sure it was just the stress of the 2 yr check! Here's to another year of NED for YOU!!!
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Barbe,
I've experienced a lot of trauma/loss in my life, but this is the first time it's been related to my own health. Several years ago, I stopped thinking of myself as a "survivor" and started to think of myself as a "thriver." This dx has certainly challenged that self-perception, but I still try to hang my hat on it. "Thriving" through chemo was tough, and sometimes I walked the border of what seemed to be mere surviving. But in retrospect, I would say that I did thrive as best I could through it. Still worked as much as I could, tried to do normal household chores...laundry, dishes, cooking. Maintained some gardening early on, too.
It's all those little, day-to-day things that are the real part of living. And to me, that is thriving.
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Oh dear Martha, the sad part for me is the physical world. I can't do laundry, or yard work. My DH loves cooking so I wouldn't take that away. I like doing the dishes except bending for the dishwasher. Vacuuming is totally out of the picture!! I have a wonderful craft room and SO many ideas and I'm just stuck. REALLLY stuck. I've never been this down before. I really don't know what is going to get me up again.
3jays, I'm right there with you sister! I had another ultrasound on those large neck nodes which are much larger now and make me gag when I look down to read. I am slightly breathless with them as well and they didn't even do another biopsy in Monday after the US! I don't think the radiologist was even in (8 am) as the tech didn't have me wait to make sure he got the pics he needed. Doi! Went to my doc later for high cholesterol! Can you friggin' believe it? I take 20 prescription pills a day!! We decided as I'm just borderline that I won't add yet another pill to my arsenal. We're trying to cut the synthetic morphine down. Not totally away, as that would be too much too fast, but just down.
3jays, you should be taking Losec or something at the same time you take the anti-Bs! Tell your doctor I SAID SO!
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Barbe I hope you get some answers!
Ok MRI was normal. Big relief, but why am I having the pain every time I exercise? The nurse at the doctor's office said normal x-ray would have shown something in the bone and MRI would have shown soft tissue injury. I am not crazy.
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Barbe,
:::gentle hugs:::
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I got the call tonight that I am ACCEPTED for Long Term Disability!! OMG, I am over the moon. I feel like I have been holding my breath since my STD ran out. Because there was a month delay, I will be getting a double payment on November 28th. Can you say 'deep breath'???? My DH and I discussed it and I AM going to join the gym here in my 'lifestyle living' complex. It has a pool and I get all the classes free with my enrollment!! It's a $600 investment but I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. I was told I'm borderline diabetic and my cholesterol is only .01 away from me having to go on medication. The thought of ADDING yet another pill sickens me. I HAVE to think of getting healthy as my NEW JOB!! Now I just have to drag my sorry ass over there....sigh. I haven't been out of the house in days!
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Barbe that is wonderful news. Yes you have a new job, taking care of you both emotionally and physically without the stress of a job!!! Good for you. 0
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Barbe - great news! Doing the happy dance for you....
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Barbe, you must feel such a relief not to have to worry about finances. Hopefully, when you start "working out," that will help with your pre-diabetic and cholesterol condidtions and you won't have to start new meds. Did I miss what your results for the neck US were? Diane- how did your check-up go?
Thanks so much for all of your support during this whole job mess.Found out yesterday at my last managers' meeting(woo-hoo) that my district manager had been there (on my day off and my boss"s) and was investigating the level of "fear" that she instills in the store. Apparently, a former bookseller wrote a very detailed letter to corporate detailing her bitchiness. My DM said he was going to find a solution--a little late for me-- but I hope she gets a gigantic wake up call. No one would talk to me but in a whisper yesterday--if at all--thats how afraid they are. I work with her today for the first time in a week. I don't think she knows he was here talking to the employees, so we will see how she treats me. I've never wished ill will towards anyone. . . but this woman has made me shed tooooooooo many tears.
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Claire, don't be surprised if you get a call from you DM when he realizes you quit!! Especially since he didn't get a chance to talk to you. I had similar problems with my job when I first started it 4 years ago. My manager had me CRYING 3 days after I started!!! I didn't even cry when I was diagnosed with cancer!! He was horrid and I struggled for a year and a half and then was lucky enough to get a transfer to another store. I had sent an email to the head office to lodge an official complaint about him but nothing was followed up. About 6 months after I left, he was fired. I felt validated.
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Ok all caught up!! Wheeeew that was a lot..I get email notifications but these last weeks have been long ones that get cut off or are too small to read on my Droid. Annnnyhow...
Barbe so happy for you!! Now you can focus on yourself without the stress of $$ or not completely stressing about $$
determined maybe you bruised your ankle...my niece just did that and we took her to ER and everything was ok MRI and Xray but she clearly couldnt walk on it. She got hit by a hockey ball and the docs just said she badly bruised it and he gave her a boot to stablize her ankle. She wore the boot for a week and it healed. Maybe you need a bootie or wrap your ankle and just go easy until it feels better.
Claire YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH So proud of you!! I know its hard and scary but you have to do whats right for you. I will say...I would have been VERY honest about why you were leaving. I would definitely tell them on your exit interview that You went through a life threatening illness and felt that you didnt have the support of your boss which made getting through the days more challenging. People dont always (or ever) realize how much a cancer diagnosis weighs on you...its with you every minute of every day and being around people who are supportive and caring helps you get through the day. I cant wait to hear about how you DANCED and SANG a happy tune on your way out of that place. Kudos to you!!
Kate How's your PT going?? Any relief from that pain?? You are right lots of people read and dont post and get strength from others on these boards.
Marylou..sorry you are having a difficult time. We have all been there feeling scared and lonely. There is no shame in admitting how you feel...there is no judging here. You are still so early in your diagnosis and it is a lot to deal with. I think no matter if you had chemo, rads, lump or mx we all heard those words...you have cancer. Scary as $hit to hear and no one can ever understand that unless youve heard those words as well. It changes you, for better, for worse..it changes you. You will learn who your friends are, who you can truly count on, and those you least expected will step up and those you thought would be your rock will fall to the side. I have made what I consider amazing friends on this site and could not have gotten through the worst of times without everyone here. A year ago I was a mess..I cried and cried and cried..but I got done with treatment, done with surgeries, my hair grew back, the fatigue left me, my joint pain gone...and slowly I began to feel like myself again. I still have a ways to go but I have come so far in a year. I now dont even consider that a long time..there were days that time stood still and I thought to myself..I cant do this...but I did!! I spoke with a BC friend and she told me at the end of this journey how proud I would feel of myself for all I went through...for the inner strength I never knew I had,..and she was right. It brings me to tears now to remember that time and that conversation but its tears of joy..that I did make it...I am still here...still standing and NED for two years. My onc appt yesterday went well and I had the conversation wtih him about how I wasnt ready to consider myself a survivor. He said"Diane there are 3million survivors out there, and you are one of them...it may just take you a little more time to get used to that word and to believing the worst is behind you..but all indications are that it is" I cried and he hugged me....I see him in four months and after that every 6 months! Now that will be nice to not have so many drs appts. Then I will feel like "normal" again.
I hope you ladies here know that anytime you need someone you can PM or come here...I know as long as one of us is awake...we are here for anyone who needs us.
OK lighten the mood...I have a confession...About a month ago I was at this Mexican restaurant and on the way out the door instead of mints they serve up FIREBALLS...OMG I have been completely addicted...I am up to two bags a week
my dentist said he is ready wire my mouth shut till I get passed the constant fireball eating. LOL ...I quit smoking when I was diagnosed so I need something...I float from candy to candy and I Know the sugar is bad for me but god help me I cant stop. Also....I have decided to get braces...I get them in a couple of weeks and I think I am eating all the candy I physically wont be able to eat once they are on. Clarie like you and school ...BC has made me not want to put off the little things anymore. When I got Charlie (my dog) people said Oh why did you get a dog?? (like it was going to affect them) and I said I grew up with dogs, love dogs, have over half an acre and want one! I am not denying myself anything anymore...no matter the costs!! Ok now on a funny but not side...I got this months bill from my crappy ENT...you know the one I bickered with over the bills..and the invoice was dated Nov 7th, I sat down to make a payment on Monday there was lovey nasty note saying if I didnt make a payment by NOVEMBER 18th that I would receive afinal notice for the balance due and that my account would be turned over to a collection attorney. ARE YOU F&^%ing kidding me! I just got the bill...I HATE THEM..so in response I sent a certified letter to the doctor expressing my disappointment in how I have been treated by his staff. I told him it took more effort for them to be rude than to be nice and that I looked forward to my online review of his office. I told him he will get $100 a month until its paid but I still didnt think the bill was right. I then called my PS and completely melted down to him and he said he would no longer refer patients to his practice since he is lacking in compassion for the patients he sends there. HA HA see ...seriously you do not want to be on my bad side.Ok my novel is complete...have a great day everyone...its a cold one in Baltimore...cuddle with my puppy and kitty and stay inside!
Diane
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Diane you are FABULOUS. I loved loved your comments about what it is like. You are so right on. I do think although I am not there yet with not being done with reconstruction, that it is hard to think of ourselves as survivors. I said to my hero husband when I got the MRI results but what if they missed something. So hard to believe that we are truly NED. I think that because of everything going wrong that possibly could it is hard for me to believe that I am truly NED. I love what your doc said. What a wise person!!
I love fireballs. That has been hard for me to do, give up my surgar but am doing pretty well because I eat a lot of fruit and that helps I think. Try strawberries and blackberries. Good for you to get braces how exciting. We do learn to go for it don't we after this diagnosis.
We are changed. We can't go back to where we were ever. The moment you hear those words your life is changed. That is just a fact. But as we go through this and it is so very hard at times we learn so much about life, ourselves and our family and friends. We learn to weed out those that are toxic to us by their actions or words. We learn to cherish those that are sincere and true. We also learn so much about emotions. It isn't wrong or being weak when we feel sad, angry or anxious. It is going through the grieving stages. And although I am hopeful that I will feel joyful like I use to....... I will feel joy as a different person and in a different way.
We go through and we keep taking a step forward and when we fall back we give ourselves time and then take a step forward again. I think we need to honor where we have been. Respect what we have been through. Understand and validate how difficult it has been and is and then keep moving ahead.
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Diane,
You could also submit a complaint to your state's medical board. It's the state who oversees/grants medical licenses.
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ok, i read all of the pagesi was behind, and promptly can't recall them, so sorry if i miss someone...
Barbe: i can't take any anti depressants with the thyroid meds, so thats that.. im in a very big hole now, but i keep moving, and that does help my mod...
and, I am SO VERY GLAD you got the LTD!!!! its still hard financially; but oh so much better emotionally!!!
Hope you get that biopsy dome soon..
My thyroid wont be biopsied till it grows bigger arggg i just LOVE the waitng.. and yes, it CAN be cancer, but NOT breast.. its' funny, ya can't scare me with thyroid cancer, after bc.. its way easier to fix, less they get it after its' spread.. 3 drs. tell me thats not posible, when its small.. fingers crossed.. i think it would've lit up on the PET, if it was...onward, and upward, gals..........3jays
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Bare; is losec a priobiotic?? im takinf align, if it is. he wrote them together....3jays0
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Barbe so Happy that you got some help for you money woes, and believe me I understand the problems the physical world. My stepdaughter is having a party at work tomorrow and she asked me to make deviled eggs for her, I was so happy to do this because it makes me feel useful and she wants me to make chicken and dumplings this week, she is being sweet because she knows cooking makes me feel good but I am wiped and in pain just from the deviled eggs, I never thought I could wiped from deviled eggs.
Didel am noticing the change in my friends, the ones I thought would step up and the ones I never expected to, it is making my world a little topsy turvery and finding it a little hard to know who to trust. Good for you on Charlie I have an African grey parrot that I got last year before I was diagnosed and everyone tells me she is too much work for me (lol she is a lot of work) but I don't think I would have survived this far without all her antics, she gives me a reason, forces, me to get up in the morning, they bring us joy and life and unconditional love and we need that.
marthah I am probably the happiest for you, it is the little things that keep us sane and to be able to do a little gardening would be so amazing and it would keep you thriving and that is the goal, maybe not to be part of the rah rah crowd but part of the crowd that says I can still do it! I am here and I intend to stay here, that is amazing to me and I hope I can be there one day.
I keep hearing that I am new to this diagnosis; I don't know what that means exactly. I have had both of my breasts removed and the tissue in the right breast went necrotic so I had to have another surgery on that one, I was in the hospital for three weeks waiting for that to heal. I have had chemo and all my hair fell out, lol I have a cavity on my front tooth that I can't have fixed because my doctor thinks dental work is too dangerous right now and In the process of all this I went from "if you are going to have cancer this is the type you want to have" to "if you are going to have cancer this isn't the one you want". I went from a 33% chance to a 68% of recurrence, so I guess what I am getting at is how much worse is it going to get?
I am sorry it seems like I just took all my frustrations out on you guys but please understand this place is like a miracle to me, I can actually cry while I type and all the words just flow out like no other place. These are the things I can't tell me friends or family and all of you are amazing and I realize that I do seem new to the diagnosis, some of you have been dealing with it longer and some of you are so much stronger than I am but as long as you will have me and my self-pity here for a while longer I think I might be able to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
I know that I should start a journal and not subject you to my depression but to write all this for no one to read but me to read would make it worse. So as long as you will have me I might get a little better every time and I hope that someday I might be able to help someone else.
Thank you for everything
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ml thats why we are here, to support one another
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Ml - write-away, we are here to listen andvsupport each other. I am so sad that you are dealing with all this.
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ML, it DOES feel better to know that someone READS what you write, doens't it? And then when they mention something small from your post, you know that they really did read it and it validates the effort you put in to posting it. Sometimes you will get a lot of reaction on this thread and sometimes not much. Remember, we are all depressed!! I know, personally, that I am careful not to post when I am at my darkest as it seems to come through in my words. I read the other posts, but don't necessarily respond. You aren't at your darkest yet, that's for sure! You're thoughts are clear and logical, so keep them coming!!
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ML--((((((((hugs))))))))))). Please feel at home here. We are all here because this damn Bc has thrown down that rabbit hole. Sometimes you can climb out on your own and sometimes you need a hand. That's what we are here for. We listen, we cry, we hug, we offer advice. All our experiences are different, but remotely similar. You may feel that you are unloading here and bothering us--but you are not. We help each other heal, one little word and one hug at a time. You have friends here that will always listen.
And if I haven't thanked all of you ladies for being my godsend, then I am now. Thank you.
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Marylou that is why we are here. You say whatever you want and know you can here because we all care.
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good morning ladies. Hope everyone has a restful and peaceful weekend. Or do something fun and exciting. Either way you win!!! I'll be at work for the next 5 days and as my monster boss has been saying "I'm retiring" Only wish. I have pretty much put up my "you can't hurt me anymore" shield, but she has always known how to push my buttons. Wish me luck!!
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Marylou I only say you are new in your diagnosis because I feel like the first year you're so busy with test and treatment and doctors appts that you dont have time to mentally process everything..and for me I felt like i just cried all the time...then after healing from chemo and completing exchange surery...about 18 months after diagnosis i was like WHEW what the hell just happened to me and the enormity and scariness of a cancer diagnosis hit me hard. At a time I thought I should be dancing a jig...I was at my worse and deeply deeply depressed. This site saved me..I was able to say that out loud and it was comforting to hear everyone elses story and to know I wasnt alone. I know I was/am lucky to have a low recurrence rate and I know that recurrence is always in the back of everyones mind and that is the biggest hurdle to get over. How do we "get on with life" when we are so afraid... what if it comes back. I know for me I just got tired of statistics. They said 80% of all biopsies are benign, not me....there was only a small percentage that it was multifocal ...not mine...I felt like the odds were never in my favor, and even though in comparison my recurrence rate is smaller I worried that this would be another time I didnt beat the odds. We all feel that way and I am not saying it goes away but it gets better. I am two years out and just finally feel like I am ready to live my life again. I think as you lurk the threads you will see some amazing women who have endured the worst BC has to offer and still manage to inspire others. Their courage and strength has given me the same,,,and made me realize I needed to get back to life and how lucky i was to be healthy right now. Right now...I am cancer free. And I am gonna take advantage of it and do my best to stay this way through diet, exercise, going out with friends, playing with my pets and chatting with you ladies. I had lots of conversations with women with similar diagnosis who were further out from their diagnosis and that I found very comforting and encouraging. I also have very specific questions for my oncologist every time I visit him...I think/know in the beginning I drove him nuts. I made him explain drug studies, statistics, my lab results. I keep copies of all my labs and I asked him what he looks at specifically that would indicate recurrence. It eased my mind greatly. I am sorry for your dental issue on top of it all. Maybe your dentist can do a temporary filling to plug it without drilling. You poor thing...hang in there...rest up..post away!!
Its another beautiful fall day here...hope you are all having the same gorgeous weather!
MBJ hope you are enjoying your new house!
Diane
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This is so true. What I said when I stopped working after a mastectomy, chemo, and radiation that lasted one full year was that I did not realize how hard I had been pushing until I stopped pushing. I had been strong for way too long.
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Still in lots of pain, very depressed, but the movers are here and by tonight I will be sleeping in my own bed.
Claire: Congratulations!!! I have quit many a job-don't it feel great??? You should let the DM know of your decision.
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Oh dear MBJ, I hope having your own furniture will lift your spirits. Where have you been staying?
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Barbe: In our empty house on an air mattress. Glad to hear your funds came through!
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Ohhhhhh MBJ,...you poor thing!! Do you have any pain meds??? I hope sleeping in your own real bed tonight brings you some comfort. You need to get some pain meds if you dont have them. One thing I learned from chemo...no need to suffer. I hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight.
backpage...Welcome!! One thing I was so thankful for was that I live alone and work from home. At my worst...during treatment..I would sometimes sleep all day and night and was thankful I didnt have to be strong for anyone and could just rest and work at my own pace. My onc used to say to me that if I slept the week away (following chemo) so be it. I dont know how some women exercise through treatment. I had zero strength and was beyond fatigued. Kudos to you for having the energy to push through.
Ok so todays dilema...my poor puppy and I were playing frisbee in the back yard...well smack in the middle of my yard there is this weather vane...Its tall metal and buried deep I can not get it out of the ground. Anyhow, its also rusted...well, due to the fact that I apparently cant throw a frisbee in the direction I want it to go in to save my life...my poor Charlie suffered the consequence of my poor frisbee skills. He so enthusiastically ran to catch it and sliced his poor little paw on the rusty stupid weather vane...
Now not only do I have to babysit him so he doesnt chew off the bandage..I have to take him Monday to get a tetanus shot. My poor puppy...i made him a special dinner tonight for my guilt.Diane
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Didel: Your poor puppy! Have you tried a good shovel to get underneath it to lift it out? Gret to have our bed back, still in pain and crying daily but having it worked on and hoping for the best. Ran out of pain killers acouple of weeks ago so I am living on Tylenol.
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