Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I've never even had 1 soul mate.
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I'm with you hrf! Nothing new to report for me, never did hear from that guy again I guess there's no 2nd date for us? Oh well... Moving on for me
Signed up for a 1 month trial membership at the gym tonight so we'll see how that goes. 0 -
I can't remember the evangelist's name. But when I asked Sam why his profile listed 34-48 he said something like he had plans that didn't work out? I'm not sure what he meant by that. He didn't ask me very many questions, not even if I had kids. I thought that a little odd but I am usually willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt and give them a second date unless they are complete jerks.
PaintedLady - the "foundation for love is not built on lust". That's crap and he's saying that to try & get you to have sex with him asap. If you don't feel comfortable doing so just tell him or tell him you'll send you friend from Cape Coral who is an excellent markswoman to set him straight! Plenty of Fish needs to be called Plenty of F%&#kers. They all want sex. They should just pay a hooker and not waste our time!!!
Hrf - you've never had a soulmate? How about a really great love?
Yes Joanne dating sucks, more so with the internet. I'm bored with this now. I WANT SPARKS!!!!
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A really great love would mean both parties felt the same so the answer is still no. And that includes my ex husband.
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I'm so sorry hrf but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Keep the faith.
Denise
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It won't happen for me. I hope the rest of you do better than me.
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Denise,
Who needs judgemental, if he has a "problem" with your son being gay I would drop him like a hot potato!! Stanz, is that your dog in your pic? Adorable! Chatted with a guy on match last night, still not feeling a push to move forward with the dating thing--Wish Franklin were different! Now I am checking myself for wasting energy wishing for someone to change--I know intellectually it is a waste of energy, so I am going to STOP now. UGH. I know I could get past him if there was someone else to fill the void, and I remind myself that there are alot of perks of being without a guy. love to all my bc sisters!
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Denise: I have found that most men want someone younger. It is an ego thing----The dating sites I've checked out show men middle aged or older want women 10 to 15 years younger.
Oddly enough, the younger ones sometimes want older women! I've had messages from guys in their 40s (and I'm 76) I guess they other want someone with money or are looking for a mother.
Is this guy super-religious? I have discovered that those types are very judgemental. You would think it would be the opposite, wouldn't you.
Keep us posted about your next date~
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Painted lady. I've only had 4 dates in the last couple of years. Two different guys. One took off after meeting my dogs LOL he wasn't used to them and they overwhelmed him (even though I had them meet him one at a time) I had 4 at the time.
This guy was very gentlemanly and did not try to kiss and hug like the one I went to breakfast with, but I've had messages from guys on a dating site that immediately asked "Are you sexually active" are you a good kisser, etc. That is a real turn-off.
What happened to the guys who took their time and didn't force themselves on you immediately.
I guess they all died
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hrf - what make you so positive it won't happen for you?
dogs & jogs - yes I suppose he is super religious, he's certainly ultra conservative. He gets his second chance tonight and if I still get the same non fuzzy feeling it will be Ciao!
Many people today seem to want instant gratification. Think about all the technological changes even in the last 10 years. So I guess when it comes to sex, they want their instant gratification there also!
Remember the good old days of courting & romance? I've got to stop watching The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie so much.
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nothing wrong with the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie -- maybe our kids (grandkids) should watch more things like that today --- Seventh Heaven was a good show too.
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Hi Ladies
I know some of the stuff we post is serious, but Denise makes me laugh so much that I start coughing.
Denise I am really looking forward to your post once you go on your date.
Dragon You are young, attractive and active, you will meet someone else. It just takes time to separate the wheat from the weeds.
Dogs that was a funny story about the date you had.
Lovemyfamily You are probably right: When you meet someone that you like you will forget about this other guy.
Hrf I cant really say I ever had a soul mate either. There is always a part of me that holds back.
I never want to be totally vulnerable to a man.
The thing with these hyper sexed men is that the ones contacting me are in their late sixities.
I thought by that age, they would be out of energy. I have to find guys that have low sexual needs like Prince Charming. Oh, he is a good kisser. And I like his curly silver hair and his light blue eyes. Okay ladies, I am trying not to get carried away by the looks. Still wondering about
what is in his pocketbook. I think it is too soon to get into that. First, lets see if he gets here
on Saturday for the second date. When I spoke to him Tuesday, he was coughing and sneezing(He may have caught my cold).
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Hi Joanne you posted while I was typing my post. I am a slow typer lol
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Wow - this is a fast moving thread!!
Painted - I believe all men feel that love is built on sexual attraction. Think for a minute: Would you have a serious relationship if there were no sparks? Men don't say sparks. But they do say - initimacy, lust, I need to know what you look like,etc. You must have had a lot in common to talk for three hours. You control how physical you get anyway. You really do.
Lawyers are good talkers. For good or bad........also - if you like prince charmings kissing......you might have more sexual energy than you think. I read an article a couple years ago. Seniors were the age group having the most sex.I have had too many relationships to know if I have ever had a soulmate. I know I have touched souls with a number of people for moments, or more, and those have been some of the most beautiful moments in my life.
Denise - I would think if a man seemed stern and judgmental, it could only go down from there. I mean, isn't he supposed to be on his nice behavior? I hope that is not too harsh. Please forgive if it is......
lovemyfamily - I'm always waiting for them to be different. But they never are. Best to find someone who fits you.
I want to say thank you to everyone who was so supportive when my exH and I blew up. It meant a lot. It took a few days to get back on my feet here but I am better now. It has been a rough couple days. I have been reading and visiting with you over here tho' and enjoying you all.
Just met with my counselor. Am taking a dating hiatus - 6 mos. That will be one year since the former narcissitic BF, two more surgeries down, PT done, one off to college, another into high school too by then. So my focus this spring/summer is to relax, rebuild, recharge. Flowers, walks, pretty nightgowns and rejuvenating!! Then - if I want - join a paid site, probably Match - in the Fall.
Oh - wanted to tell you - before we blew up, I took a shower with my exH. He saw my implant side, thought it didn't look bad at all......didn't even notice the lift on the left! He said "You know you're much more than one part of your body, right?" and smiled sweetly.
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Hi Mybee
Glad to see your post.
My ex use to make all kinds of promises to me and never deliver. He would not even come to the hospital when I had the bc surgery. Underneath his lying facade was/is a callous monster.
For years I tried talking to him; hoping somehow he would be human. I finally realized that he is what he is.
What I am trying to say is when you are ready, it is probably best to find someone that you are on the same page with (I had to learn this the hard way). You are beautiful. You will not have diffiuculty attracting men.
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paintedlady - Thank you for the compliment. That is very nice of you. Yes - I have moved on now from my exH. He is limited in his own way. Loves the kids but wants the simple life.
Your ex sounds like my former BF from this past summer. Didn't come to or visit me in the hospital. Didn't even call!! I thought I was the only one who had the misfortune of having such a monster during BC surgery! Or at least felt like the only one..........said it was too far to come and watch me sleep and that it's not like I was his wife or anything - saw my face and then said, well it's not like I need to be there for legal reasons to help you..........apologized the following morning and brought flowers that night......just to keep the game going. Very intricate games! Need time to regroup!
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Mybee, I agree with you that men need that sexual attraction from the beginning. They are wired differently than we are.
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Hadley, that speaks to the question I asked several weeks ago. We talk so much about when/if to tell a new guy about our condition because we worry about being accepted. We do the same thing though. I'm not being critical of you. In fact, I would probably do the same.
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But even though we know where we are with our medical issues someone else's are scarier and vice verse. However and this is the big one..... most likely it is Us who will still be doing the caretaking not them! Even if our illness or disease is worse..... I guess that would be what I'd think about.
Well I finally got fed up with my SO - after BC treatment where he just didn't get it wasn't all about him, from him letting me down when my precious little dog died, from when I walked in on a burgulary in progress to just not doing what he said he would if a better offer came along that benefited him. I'm really over such selfishness. Perhaps I won't ever find anyone but I'll take that over the constant disappointment, stress and anger from a bad relationship.
I think there are some men who can step up and be there expecially during an illness but I don't think there are many..... sigh. My ex actually would have been pretty good at this but it was the rest of trying to live with him that didn't work. He was very passive aggressive and couldn't make a decision to save his life and that manipulative streak didn't help.
So, onto finding normal, decent, caring men!! I will say when my son is grown he will truly be a catch. He is the sweetest, most compassionate guy..... don't think I can take credit - I think his special needs twin helpe but really I think he just came that way!
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I often think the same thing guys, that my two adult sons are real catches--smart, kind, compassionate, and very loving and reliable. Would love to find someone like they have turned out to be!! xo
PS Note to self--DO NOT CONTACT FRANKLIN--HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!! UGH,sad face
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My 2nd date with the new guy went well, much better than the first which is why I almost always give a man a 2nd date unless he's a complete asshat. We went to a Bible study given by a TV preacher from Oklahoma.
He was actually kind of funny (the date, not the preacher), held my hand at one point and asked if he could see me again on Saturday. Then he walked me to my door, gave me a brief kiss on the lips and a hug and that was it. Exactly what I would expect from a man on Christian Mingle. I do find him attractive also and he's the first one I have found attractive in a long, long time.
I guess I'm going to have to tell him about the BC soon, I'm just not sure what is the best way to tell him. How do you make it sound like no big deal if I don't even know if down the road it will be a big deal? Do I say "hey, I had breast cancer and a double mastectomy last August. I've had reconstruction but I will never have nipples or areolas again. How do you feel about that"?
Really what is the best way to say it? I may be inviting him to my sister's for Easter. When he sees many family members smoking and my gay son there with his SO, I may not have to tell him, all I will see is skid marks as he runs out the door.
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My friend met a guy on Christian mingle, they got married and he turned out to be a total loser. Scammed her, cheated etc...Just saying this because no matter where you meet a guy if he's garbage his colors will come through. I don't know why smokers and a gay son would turn anyone away? This guy sounds good so far though, just have fun with it and relax
I've only had to tell 1 guy I met about my BC and it started off because he saw my scar from my port and asked what it was. Never heard from the guy I went out with saturday. Frustrating to spend 5+ hours getting to know someone and it was a waste. I did have fun, but knowing now I wouldn't hear from him again I'd rather spent the time with my real friends.
Lovesmyfamily have you seen that movie, he's just not that into you? It's one of my favorite movies. I try so hard not to be that girl in the movie.0 -
hi Ladies
Denise I am so happy for you that you had a good time. If he is a genuine Christian he will not judge you because of the behavior of others. He also will not be negative and judgemental to others that do not conform to his behavioral expectations: There isn't really a way to know that until he is put in the situation. Actually,watching his behavior in the situation will tell you alot about him.
As far as when to tell someone about bc or how to phrase it, I don't know when it should be done. I just went with my gut feelings as to those I told and those that I chose not to tell.
Dragon sorry to hear that he did not call you yet. But if I remember correctly didn't he kind of
contact you then you wouldn't hear from him for a while?
Stanzie the experience that you had with your BF, I had with my ex. He refused to be there when I had bc surgery. When I had pneumonia and pleursy I had to really get upset and threaten to tell other people that he was not taking me to an ER. Finally, after I said that to him he got me to an ER. By that time my heart rate was only 34/min. That is just a couple of the many cruel things he did.
Lovemyfamily Believe me if you and the other person are not in agreement, and can't compromise then it is not worth your energy.
I also would like to say, I don't mean to leave any one out of my post. Everr since I had chem, I suffer from chemo brain. I have problems with short term memory; so I have to scroll up and down these posts as I am typing to remember the posts. So please don't take offense, if I inadvertently don't include you name
I love all you sisters. I share stuff with all of you that I don't tell anyone else
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I've been busy trying to keep up with house training my puppy. She's a ShihTzu. Finally decided on Maggie for a name.
I have a date tomorrow...movie and dinner with B. We've talked quite a bit on the phone, he lives about 15 minutes away and seems nice. Don't they always at first?! Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. He seems pragmatic and a very hard worker and down-to-earth. He's about 1/2 inch shorter than me, but that isn't a big deal. I'm off of all the online dating sites for now. I've pretty much adjusted to being by myself and staying busy with friends, grandkids, and puppy.
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Denise - I wouldn't worry about telling him about BC or him not liking your family. I think the BC talk will happen when you feel comfortable and the time is right. As for your family if he is judgmental then it is better to know early on and move on.
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Love you Painted Lady! xo
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I have told a few about the BC. Sometimes there is just an opening or it flows into the conversation. Sometimes I felt that if I didn't say it then, well in retrospect, it would've looked like I was hiding it. Although i didn't tell about the whole thing. Just that i'd had BC. I didn't go into the physical changes. The rel.s didn't go anywhere anyway.
What is it with these guys not being there? I never would've guessed there were men like that out there. How cold can you be?? I have a hard time with it. I was thinking that given my former BF T.'s weird philosophy's maybe he just thought I was a loser? Or was he kicking me hardest when I was at my lowest? Or was it that being narcissistic, he couldn't stand to not have the attention on him? It bugs me.............most things I can figure out but not that. Even if you don't want to be there, you know what society expects. After we broke up I told as many people as I could how he hadn't been there and what an a------ he was.And more about the mean things he did that no one would've dreamed he'd do because he acted so nice in public.I think people just thought I was crazy but I wouldn've lost his friends anyway and frankly I didn't really like them all that much!!
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Mybee, I was in a relationship with a man for approx 6 years ... it was unusual in that he is somewhat eccentric but I have since determined he has Asperberger's. In any case, we got along well, he is a successful doctor .etc. etc. .. he promised to hang in with me...he said there was zero chance he would bail (his exact words) and he admitted his previous way of dealing with things was to run away but that wouldn't happen..... but he did - totally disappeared and abandoned me shortly after my surgery .... there are men who do very cruel things. I'm sure no one would ever suspect how cruel he was to me.
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Very similar situation. T. was open and relatively warm in the beginning. Looked at pics of reconstruction. Listened to me cry, assured me he wasn't going anywhere and everything would be okay. Very cuddily and warm through the first lumpectomy and then - was gone. He was there but - worked constantly, did nothing to help. acted so cruel and like it was a non-event. Didn't even sit and watch a movie or go for a walk with me. I was suddenly alone after being with someone who couldn't keep his hands off me for almost 4 yrs.!! So weird. My counselor at the cancer center, who I love, doesn't have much to say, just says I'm better off without him. She did say this though - I asked how could God give me T. and BC at the same time. And she said "Maybe God gave you this BC to reveal T.'s true nature to you, so that you might move on. Perhaps there are other plans for you". That did make me feel better.
As you know hrf - it's very hard to trust anyone after this and after someone who says I love you is cruel. I am sorry you went through this too.
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Even though I was the one who broke it off and didn't want to be with him as I saw him for who he was, I still hurt night and day over this and it has been 6 mos. since we broke up. That's why I am going to give myself much more time.
btw - my son has Asperger's and has a very big heart. He does have trouble showing it however, not that this was the case with your man. I'm just saying I don't think being Aspey makes you cruel; I think just being mean and angry makes you cruel.
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