Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Stanzie that is good you have your kids around some of the time.
Lovemy family. Okay so you had a moment of weakness and contacted Franklin. Are you trying to meet other men. Maybe you will meet someone else that will be wanting the type of relationship that you want.
Trying to find worthy men is turning out to be alot of work lol
Have a great afternoon
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Lovemy family - yes I certainly know what you mean. My BF and I did that on and off again since my BC diagnosis and finally just had enough. Still worry about seeing him and getting talked back into the relationship but he has a tremendous ego so since I broke it off most likely his pride won't let him contact me which is probably good.
Interesting you are a therapist, makes sense it would come natural to try and help and figure him out so that probably is really helpful feedback. None of this is easy that is for sure.
Have looked on e-harmony but just no one even seems interesting to me. Of course no one has contacted me either - LOL so I guess I should really talk now should I. Just seems like most of the men's profiles all read so much the same ....
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I was feeling the same way about online dating but I finally sent someone a smile and it turns out to be this guy I have seen 3X now. For women my age it feels weird to be the initiator but this guy is on the shy side so if I hadn't done that I may not have met him.
He may still bail when I tell him about the BC but if he does, ciao.
For those of you with reconstructed breasts did you do tattooing or did you have nipples put on?
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Good afternoon ladies..........
this is my first time to post on this thread.......I do admire all of you to have the courage to actually seek out love......it is never easy especially considering our health situations..........
First of all a bit of my background.........I was divorced in '2005 about 6 months before my dx of bc........I had been married for close to 30 years......my ex and I had our issues but I think we really just grew apart and in different directions........then of course there was the phone call from the girlfriend to rat him out after they had had some big fight.......but I wasn't surprised........I knew deep down that he was seeing someone else.......I just ignored it........anyway that is not why I am posting........
My education is in Child Development/Abnormal Child Psychology........(double major)......and want to make sure that the correct terminology is being used.........
PaintedLady I would suspect that your ex is a Sociopath not a Psychopath.........Many Psychopaths have Sociopath behavior but rarely does a Sociopath have Psychopath behavior.......
Psychopaths find pleasure in causing mostly physical harm more so then emotional harm......Serial Killers, Animal abusers, fire starters are usually Psychopaths and really don't have "relationships with other human beings"...........they are the ones putting puppies in the microwaves and the kittens on the barbecue to watch them suffer..........
that is not what Sociopaths do.............
their are two main characteristics of Sociopaths that will drive their SO crazy......first of all they have no empathy..........they simply are incapable of understanding why or how their behavior may affect someone else........they simply cannot understand the concept of "being in someone else's shoes".........completely void of the concept.......
and because of their lack of empathy they have no guilt........they can lie, steal, cheat without even understanding why their behavior is harming their relationships........or what they are doing is even wrong........
as far as feelings are concern they only understand how THEY feel not how anyone else feels nor do they care.........
Sociopaths cannot be controlled by guilt........so any of us being hurt by our Sociopath partner being hurt will not draw any sympathy from that person.........
I personally do not believe that this Personality Disorder is learned........I believe that true Sociopath's are born that way........
So as long as you understand what you are dealing with Paintedlady maybe you can gain some control in how you respond to your ex........actually one of the best ways to have some control is treat them like you don't care anymore.....Sociopath's hate to be ignored.......
I want to also guide you to a couple of blogs that helped me a great deal in dealing with the Sociopath in my life.........
For the most part Sociopath's are not really very happy people..........their relationships are built on false foundations........they never really show anyone who they really are because they do understand by trail and error that their behavior has a tendency to drive relationships away.......
In interviewing Sociopah's a main description of their own behavior is describe by themselves as "having to wear a mask" in dealing with other people........
(I am really sorry this is so long)......please check out these two blogs written by Sociopath' themselves to gain a better understanding of the behavior.......
I'm a Little Sociopath Short and Stout......
and my favorite: Sociopath World.....Inside the Mind of a Sociopath..........
I found them by just googling blogs and then Sociopaths....... (I can't seem to cut and paste the addresses.......
anyway good luck........I really do hope the best for you......
shokk
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shok - that is absolutly facinating!! I never knew all that but gosh really explains a lot! Thank you So much, really interesting stuff. How does narcessistic behaviors go along with this? Or is that the same things of only understand their own behaviors and wants. My ex-BF fits everything you said except I don't he would say he wears a mask. I think he really believes he is a wonderful person and does everything in someone else's(supposedly mine) best interest where it is actually totally self serving for the most part. I dont' mean he didn't ever do nice things it is just all the big stuff or hard times is where he totally fell short of thinking of anyone but himself.
Thanks again = will look up the blogs!
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Denise - I had a 3D tatoo of the nipple areola. I had radiation before recon and my skin is thin and already stretched so I decided not to have grafting. It looks good and if you want a picture PM me. I waited about 18 months before I had it done. Wish I had done it sooner - I don't look perfect but more complete. I was comfortable with out it but am happy its done.
Karyn
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Thanks Karyn - I guess I'm just wondering which way I should go. Part of me doesn't want anymore surgery and the other part of me wants to look as normal as possible in the event of a new relationship.
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I had the DIEP reconstruction, as well as the nipples and I love the new "girls" hate the nipples they almost flattened out. I haven't bothered to do the tattoos yet. No one sees them anyway
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I had the lat. surgery and nipples. I agree with dragon fly- hate them and they flattened. Don't resemble real ones. The PS did the tatoo at the same time - very pale pink ?? I even brought pictures of what my real ones looked like and he didn't pay a bit of attention. I have seen the 3-d tatoo and they look pretty amazing.
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my 3D tatoo was done by a woman who I found on here and she specializes in cosmetic tatooing. She spent a lot of time getting the position where she wanted it and the color close to the other side. A lot of women say the grafts flatten so I thought I'd just have the tattoo done and I'm happy.
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I don't know if there is anyone around me that even does it. Honestly after chemo, rads, 5 surgeries in 2 years I'm done for now.
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Stanzie - I have been in mental health - worked as a theraist for 25 yrs. I would say your ex fits more of a narcissistic pattern, as did my ex BF T. Sociopaths and psychopaths are very rare, thank God. Nevertheless, our pain is real. Try googling narcissistic recovery, narcissistic pain, reccovering from a narcissistic relationship. Also, there are definite passive aggressive traits there - as with my husband. That's another area of exploration for you. I have been involved in a number of relationships. The consistent thread is emotional unavailability and to varying degrees, a lack of empathy. My part is that I tend to live in a fantasy world and believe that this is finally going to be the one. And when it doesn't turn out to be - I bitch instead of leaving. So I end up holding the bag of blame and guilt.
Sometimes I don't know if I can go on. I have a good counselor, thank God.
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mybee- I did actually google all this and yes definate Narcissitic and lack of Empathy!!!!!! That is the huge one and so totally true in every single instance but never got it till now!!! Actually makes me feel so much better and something I can now see so clearly.... That will certainly give me the strength to stay away from him..... I can't tell you what a tremendous revelation this is to me! My ex husband was the passive aggressive and total emotional dessert. So next...... Please someone more "normal" !!
I understand the bitching and staying but why the guilt? That confuses me. I do NOT feel guilty at all, not with all the junk he has pulled.... Glad you do have a good counselor...
Thanks so much!
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I feel the guilt because I know I let loose and vented against him due to my sheer frustration. It was not me!! I would like to respect people for who they are but it is hard when you feel totally used and confused and frankly in love.
My goal is to get into a good place where I can be the person I truly am and the person I am trying to be.
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Good evening ladies..........
Stanzie I am so sorry I didn't get back to your question but Mybee is exactly right and congrats on the break through.......I remember the very day I had that kind of break through with my ex and I was amazed that all the anger and hostility I had been feeling for several years evaporated.......and today the ex and I are on very good terms........we just had lunch together with our youngest for her 19th birthday on Sunday and it was so nice.........
mybee I want to run something by you and if you think I may be on to something.......I have a feeling that your ex is an introvert and you are an extrovert........which is very common in love land......I am an introvert and my ex is an extrovert.......when you were telling the story about your ex making plans and then backing out and how hurt you were.........I want you to know something......I bet more then anything he wanted to go but he just could not do it.....being an introvert when someone is telling us about going to a concert or going to Six Flags.....we are first thinking wow that sounds like fun.......and then our thoughts turn to why we can't go.....we will have to pay for parking......I will have to do laundry........it will be loud (introverts hate noise).....it will be crowded.......you on the other hand are like this is going to be so freaking fun......it will be loud, crowded, you get to dress up........do your hair.......party.........
mybee we introverts are very attracted to you extroverts because you keep us from being completely isolated from the world..........for you extroverts an introvert keeps you tethered to the ground because otherwise you would end up floating away...........
the only thing I can tell you is your ex is not going to change.....he is who he is....one of my ex's biggest complaints about me was that I was boring........for him I was.......
I could be wrong........but your feelings are justified.......but I have a feeling he does care about you a great deal......and would probably love to please you......but if you want to play in his sandbox it will probably be just the two of you quietly at his house.........you are going to have to find some men that are more outgoing to satisfied your need to go out and enjoy life.......and don't feel guilty about it.....it is who you are........
shokk
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I wish my anger and pain would dissipate. It just seems to go on and on.........T. and I broke up 6 mos. ago and it feels like yesterday. I keep remembering things he did with a new perspective and that perpetuates it. It's almost like they are flashbacks. I have come to the conclusion that he was just a liar. Period. I'm done trying to figure it all out.
shokk - For the most part you are onto something. I am an introvert however I do like to go and do things sometimes and T. was an extrovert who showed me a side of life that was fun and exciting. In trying to reconcile with my ex-H. I wanted to share some of what I found out about enjoying life from T. You are right on about my ex-H. Except for work and shopping, he is pretty much housebound. Both of my parents were the same way. Very much homebodies, few friends, my Dad has no friends and is shy by nature. Although I inherited so many of those 'shy' traits, I have tried to overcome them and yes - I really do enjoy dressing up and going out. I think my marriage - of 15 yrs.- just buckled under the isolation that his introverted nature imposed on us. I'm sure he does care about me a great deal but he can be a bully too and I am done with being mistreated by men. shokk - you were married for a long time. That must have been very hard to see end.
Okay ladies - so here is a question: I am emailing (just started) with a man on POF whose longest relationship was 4 yrs, lists himself as single and has no children. He is nice lookiing, 48 (which puts him 6 yrs. younger than me), has a graduate degree, is self employed and writes a friendly email. I generally don't talk to men who have never been married as I think it's a red flag as regards ability to commit or could be just a serial dater. In a moment of weakness I contacted him and he promptly contacted back.
What do you think: Never married, no kids, 4 yrs. longest relationship..........big red flag?
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So ladies anything new and good and exciting to share??
Seems like a really depressing board lately! lol.... I have no boy stories, apparently that guy I went out with had too many issues to begin with since it took us 4 months to finally meet and I haven't heard from him since. Oh well.. I'm OK with that and am happy with being me! 0 -
mybee, I don't see why you shouldn't check it out--he sounds nice. No harm in meeting him. F. and I have been talking and I got a lot off mychest and feel I am in a better place with accepting a friendship relationship with him. I have been seeing a counselor and F. will join me today. I am looking forward to it.
RE: anger--it is a normal human emotion, as women we have been conditioned to deny it in ourselves in order to be "good" girls. I say look at it, work through it, try to understand it and move forward from it. I am trying to take my own advice! lolz xo
xo
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Thank you for the advice on anger. I think my anger does frighten me. I will work on acceptance as opposed to fighting it. That may be helpful. So hard to move on emotionally...............
I am glad you are in a better place with Franklin. Good luck with the session today.
oxo
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lovemyfamily, I'm quite intrigued by your situation. Franklin doesn't want a romantic relationship with you but he is willing to come to a counselling session with you....most me wouldn't do that. Considering he knows how you feel about him, why does he continue to do things that would give you hope of a relationship? I hope I'm not out of line ..... it's just that usually for a guy when it's over it's over......why is he still in the picture?
DF, sorry that guy didn't get back to you but I think you have pegged him. Glad to hear that you are happy being you....that's the best place to be. Took me a long time to figure out that I don't need a man to complete me or make my life fun. Those are things I have to do for myself. Sometimes I still struggle with it but I know that it the way to be.
Hope everyone else is doing fine.
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hrf - how long did it take you, do you think, for you to figure that out? Could you tell us a little more?
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mybee, it was and continues to be a work in progress. But when I separated and divorced my husband, I had 3 little boys. I separated, not because I had someone new, but because I couldn't live with his emotional abuse any more. So I did it to survive and for my children. I was 36 and had been married 14 years. My ex, imho, is/was a mysoginist which I figured out from my readings after the fact. So I had to be strong to take care of my boys. Also at the time I was a teacher and got a lot of support and encouragement to further my career - so lots of positives from work which helped to build my confidence...I became consultant, department head, vice-principal, principal and finally superintendent of schools - over many years - but one promotion after another -- I didn't feel single - with 3 boys and a full time career I was always busy. There was the occasional relationship - none of them working out - I was disappointed more than once ... not sure if I picked badly or what.....I took a long break from dating .... then went back to it online - met lots and lots of men....again more disappointment with the last one .... but during it all, I built my life. I had a great career - better than most I would say. I have my kids who are now grown and are wonderful men....and I have friends. No man can make that better. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't like a relationship but I'm not keen on sharing my already too small closet and I don't want to do anyone's laundry except my own. I don't like to cook every day. I like doing what I want when I want. And I don't want to be hurt again. And it has taken me more than 25 years to get to this point. I'm still working on myself ...... and I'm the only one who can do that. I don't know if I answered your question ... it hasn't been easy and it has taken a long time. But I never regreted divorcing because I knew that life with him would be worse than life without a man. So I made the better choice.
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Thanks HRF, I just know life is too short, I refuse to let being single bring me down. I won't be needy and settle if I find a man again in life he will be perfect for ME! It's the path my life has taken and I am embracing it with open arms
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hrf~ Thank you so much for sharing. You have been down a long road. Congratulations on your professional success. Being in the schools, I know how much work it is to achieve what you have accomplished. I think it is really interesting that somewhat by chance, so many of us here have been mistreated/abused or somehow taken advantage of by men seemingly incapable of a normal loving relationship; I guess we would still be married if that were not the case, but sometimes marriages do break down for other reasons. I think most of these guys we've talked about have turned out to be misogynists at heart, although lacking in one. Some of the things that you said toward the end of your post resonated with me too. I don't want to leave my house, (most of the time), share my bedroom, listen to someone snore, esp. do not want to cook anymore. I did that for 15 years. And in other relationships before that. I am torn. I do like companionship, then usually fall in love and there you are..........down a road to where? I would hate to give off mixed signals. As you get older, it just gets harder to share your stuff! And I really don't want to get hurt again! I too am wondering sometimes - that perhaps this is just the path my life has taken. I am not used to it yet though.
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I think there are women who stay in lousy, abusive marriages rather than be alone. They are the ones I feel sorry for.
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I was thinking the same thing. How many are not single, but are still with one of these men? T. was married for 24 yrs. It's unfathomable to me. But he worked 7 days a week 10 hrs. a day. And travelled for work. She got $1,000 a month alimony for 5 yrs. at the end of it all. She got a lot of assets as a matter of fact. I do think the court had his number. I heard the marriage was awful. He had her on a very limited allowance the whole time.
So..........I thought I would be so happy once I broke up with T. and I am not. Maybe all the suppressed feelings of 4 years are coming up? Well, also there was breast cancer in there. But still. I have happy days and then angry, terrible days. I feel so used. And I feel as a therapist and social worker (and some of you are in this boat) I should have known better. Ran away at the first few red lights. But no. Stuck it out until I couldn't stand it anymore.
One of the really sad things was that, due to his many games,( that intensified when we began to be aware of the seriousness of my disease), I really did not fuly experience and process the BC! So I am still a little numb about that. I would've liked to have focused on just that, just ME at that time. So now I can but am still processing the relationship. Getting better though day by day.
DF - Can I ask how old you are? You look young.............I just saw you are three yrs. out from your diagnosis.
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I am 35
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I think way too young to give up on love. Don't let us discourage you. I had a unique set of circumstances growing up that predisposed me to these troubles I have with my love life. Kind of a perfect storm of complications. But I still have hope that one day if that is what I want, I can have love. Not that you have to do that if you don't want to but it may be too soon to tell.
You were quite young at diagnosis. Very hard.
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Nah it wasn't so hard, it is what it is right? Cancer is a b**** at any age I suppose. I'd probably feel so very much different about it if I was on my death bed. Morbid thought but that is true.
I really have no interest in finding love right now, in the future? Who knows honestly. It's not on my radar of priorities. I'm just happy with my life, my girl, my job and I don't really have time to date either. I can't stand the thought of having someone in my home day in and day out, I love my freedom and independence and being able to be me. Not having to worry about someone else or impressing them etc.. If love came a knocking at my door I may feel different but I'm not searching I guess is the easiest way to say it
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It is nice to be able to be free to be oneself, isn't it? It's an underrated pleasure
I do tend to lose myself in relationsihips. In my last counseling session, the counselor talked aabout feelig happy and normal alone, then when and if I met someone, I would know if I started to lose my'normal'. It made a lot of sense.I'm glad you are happy.
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