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Comments

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited March 2012

    mybee, I think your counselor gave you good advice. It would apply to everyone. If life is about the relationship then one puts up with abuse to keep the relationship. If one is happy with oneself, then one sees the signs and gets out right away. 

  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,611
    edited March 2012

    I agree with hrf  and your councelor. I think that is what I'm trying to do. I went way too quickly after my divorce and jumped into a bad relationship. I can see that now but couldn't at the time. And even once I did see it still took me an awful long time to finally quite, I guess things get "comfortable" even when they are bad.

    Dragonfly- you are very young - I'm sorry. I know of a young man friend who got colon cancer at 25 and talking to him sometimes I wonder how different he would be had he not gotten cancer so young. He also is not looking to date - He keeps himself very guarded. 

  • rakulynda
    rakulynda Member Posts: 151
    edited March 2012

    The dating scene for me lately has been an arid desert. Kinda like where I live. I did take a plunge today and initiated a message to a guy who lives impossibly far away, and I NEVER initiate. Maybe that's why the dating thing for me has been nonexistant! Well, I'll let you all know if I get a response.

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Hi Ladies

    Since I got the voicemail from M(Prince Charming) last Friday night, I haven't heard from him. Unfortunately I deleted the voicemail but I think he said he would call me later. I never heard from him

    I decided to see if he was okay and planned to send him a message on the dating site. When I went on the site, I could see he was on there; so I just logged out.  Guess he is okay!!!

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited March 2012

    My life today wouldn't be much different if I had not gone through cancer. I really already didn't have a huge interest in dating or needing to be with someone 24/7. At times I think I want that but really.... I don't think it's for me.



    Painted lady, sure sounds like the guy is ok and checking out other candidates. Keep looking if that's what you want to do or take time for YOU!

  • rakulynda
    rakulynda Member Posts: 151
    edited March 2012

    Well, got a response from my initiated message. It went something to the effect of "although I don't think we're a match, I wish you well". Sheeesh! And the site said we were an 83% match! Maybe I need to do up a new profile or foget it all together.

  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 762
    edited March 2012

    Hang in there girl!  This process ain't easy! xo

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited March 2012

    My advice, ladies, is don't take this stuff so seriously. It's online - it doesn't mean anything. And the 83% ... that's only what a computer says based on who knows what ..... I forget which one of you got 160 responses to an online ad and immediately discarded 156 of them .... if someone responds, fine....if not, fine also. It doesn't reflect on you at all. And it doesn't reflect on the guy either.....certainly not at this stage. 

  • dogsandjogs
    dogsandjogs Member Posts: 677
    edited March 2012

    Hrf:  I agree - I have been alone since 1980 - a few dates here and there, but I think I'm too set in my ways to have a relationship again. Maybe if I met Mr. Wonderful I would want to cook, and clean and do laundry for him, but so far nobody that perfect (for me) has come along.

    And he must love dogs and not mind them in the house and on the furniture LOL!

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited March 2012

    dogsandjogs, you've been on your own even longer than me - by about 5 years. If Mr. Wonderful wanted me to cook, clean and do laundry for him, he wouldn't stay Mr. Wonderful for long....LOL. I certainly would probably enjoy making a couple of nice meals a week but that's about it. He would have to be very independent and not expect me to accompany him to all of his stuff - the same as I wouldn't need him... but it would be nice to come home and share stories. And sometimes go out together. So much of my life was spent taking care of my kids. But as soon as they were old enough - probably mid to late teens - they did their own laundry and learned to cook for themselves. And the silver lining is that they are great husbands. My DILs are very appreciative. 

  • mybee333
    mybee333 Member Posts: 672
    edited March 2012

    Well, I've closed my POF account.  I have committed to being single.  I don't think I could take being mistreated again. Time to guard my heart in a way I should have a long time ago.  hrf - I feel exactly the same as regards the wife 'role'.  Being friends and together would be great.  But I'm not doing that wife, trophy, at your disposal thing again.

  • clw5683
    clw5683 Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2012
    Thank you so much for this post.  I had pretty well decided there was no hope for me.  A year ago came up with BC...had surgery, then chemo, then rad and now on arimedex.  My husband died the day after my last chemo treatment, and so I've been feeling as if I'll just go it alone for whatever time I have.  Reading your post is giving me a spark of hope that maybe it's not over for me yetSmile
  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 320
    edited March 2012

    Hey, it's not over till the fat lady sings!

  • shokk
    shokk Member Posts: 790
    edited March 2012

    Good evening ladies...........

    Mybee sometimes it is just a chance encounter............love can happen in the most unlikely of places.......

    Ok ladies I am going to try and post a link that I hope you guys may find humorous.........

    This is a warning.......it is racy.........and if anyone here is easily offended please don't watch.....

    but I thought you younger girls may enjoy and you older girls with a bit of a warp sense of humor....

    anyway this is done by some of the people that do the show on IFC Portlandia.........

    **warning** Rated R for content........

    It is called "An Honest First Date"

     http://viralfootage.com/?p=22647

    of course if that address is not hot just copy and paste in your own search engine.......or you can youtube it......it is just called "An Honest First Date"........

    favorite line:......I have a really nice apartment....I have a chaise lounge.........

    ok ladies........everyone have a nice weekend........

    shokk

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Denise did you get my PM?

    Did you have another date with the Italian guy?

    Well ladies, the dating site went from real busy to next to nothing.  Where did all the men go suddenly?

    So I have nothing going on tonight or tomorrow night as far as I know.  I want someone to take me to dinner and dancing.  Sick of just taking myself!

  • Stanzie
    Stanzie Member Posts: 1,611
    edited March 2012


    Wow, Hadley - glad you instinct kicked in and more importantly you listened to yourself. He sounds very full of himself and definately a controlling person.

    I agree I think they are everywhere.... I do think we all just need to be very careful and listen closely to what they say. I remember with my ex BF - he was telling me about his ex wife and things she said about him and turns out she was so right ,but I didn't listen as he turned it around like it was her crazy impressions. So if I ever go out with a man I'm going to find out what his ex's complained about. 

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Good Morning Ladies

    Hadley  Good for you that you quickly sized this guy up!  Hope my instincts are that good.

    Well I talked to a guy from POF last night for 2 hours on the phone. I am meeting him for lunch at 1 pm today  At least he doesn't live very far away from me. I will let you all know how it goes..

    All of you Sisters have a good day

  • rakulynda
    rakulynda Member Posts: 151
    edited March 2012

    Clw - so sorry for your loss. My husband died too of lymphoma just over a year ago while I was in the middle of taxol treatments. Maybe I have to learn how to live alone first but I sure miss someone to come home to.

    Hadley that guy sounded like a total control freak - like, "my way or the highway"! I've done the same - not giving out my # and then getting crap about it. There's too many weirdos out there that could easily locate you with just a #. Loved reading about the e-mails,though!

    Mybee - think I'll close my accounts too at pof and okcupid. Perhaps try again at some later time. It just seems too hard and unnatural to try and find someone over the net. Silly me, I just thought everyone was going to be like me, wanting a loving relationship!

    Dogsandjogs - I'm with you. They'd better like my dogs all over in your face! lol

    I guess there's some comfort knowing we're not alone with bc and lack of men.



  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Well ladies

    I am back about an hour from the meeting. The guy was very goodlooking and well spoken.  Here comes the problem:  He has been divorced for 8 years and had a ccouple of relationships since then One lasted a year. I asked him what happen He said "Oh she wanted to get married and I didn't"  Then he said is not wanting to get married a deal breaker for you. I said "It sounds like you are looking for friends with benefits"  I told him with me you will not get the milk til you buy the cow.  Then after talking some, he said that maybe he would change his mind.

    Sounds like manipulation to me to get sex.  He never gave me a reason for not wanting commitment.  I feel like this is setting myself up for a heartache.

    Don't think I should go doown this path

  • dogsandjogs
    dogsandjogs Member Posts: 677
    edited March 2012

    Yes, that's what it sounds like: friends with benefits.   But at least he was honest about not wanting marriage.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited March 2012

    I'm not disagreeing with the friends with benefit thing. But I'm wondering. George Clooney has announced repeatedly that he will never get married again. But he doesn't seem to lack for girlfriends. Why do they date him if they know he won't get married?

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    I think women date men like that because they think they will be the one to change his mind..

    This guy mentioned that he could change his mind if he falls deeply in love with me.

    This sounds like a line to me. Am I being too distrustful?

    Actually tonight I am missing M singing me some Hebrew songs. M was such a hunk

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Ladies

    Just got a message from M: Didn't think I would hear from him anymore.  He said in the message that he was going to call Wed or Thursday. Time will tell.

    I muat admit that excited me.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited March 2012

    I can't answer your question. If I was on a first date, and was asked if I wanted to ever get married again, my answer would be only if I fall deeply in love. I'm not sure what other answer there could be.



    I'm sure someone else will offer an opinion.

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited March 2012

    I have no plans on getting married again, but that's just because I haven't had much luck in the dating scene, my other marriage wasn't that great so maybe it's just easier to say I'm not interested in getting married again? I do agree that I think women start dating a man hoping they'll be the one that changes his mind?  I dated a guy off and on for a couple years, he didn't want anything real serious he was upfront from the begining and that worked for me. But over time we spent more and more time together, but then that was it. It never went further so I finally ended it for good. Could this guy change his mind, maybe so, but how will you know? I am not a trusting person generally speaking so for me, so I can relate to you not even wanting to go any further with this guy.

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Thanks Hrf and Dragon for your posts.

    What is making me not trust a "change of mind" is he brought the topic up within a few minutes of talking with me. The more I think about it, the more my guts tell me he is looking for sex. He told me that he "is highly sexed"  I thought omg, not another one lol  Sex is way low on the priority list for me.

    M, on the other hand, brought it up fast that he was looking for a spouse.  He just lives so far away!  How can you really get to know someone when they live 4 hours away one way.

    Well ladies have a wonderful day.  It is a lovely, sunny morning here

  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 762
    edited March 2012

    PL, listen to your instincts.  I hope that M works out, I liked that he sang you Hebrew songs.  I had a date last night with Brice--he seemed pretty nice and kind of attractive--God help me to get over Franklin--I am a mixed up mess--xo

  • paintedlady
    paintedlady Member Posts: 228
    edited March 2012

    Lovemy family  I am so happy for you thay you had a date with someone else. I wish you were near me, I would give you a sisterly hug.  The mixed up feelings will pass in time. The feelings will probably disappear really fast if it works out with someone else

    The other guy I met yesterday appears to have more money than M, but I will not be used for sex without a commitment. Honestly even if he wanted a commitment, I could not keep up with him. He said he "likes it every day" !!!!!.  I dont care if I ever had sex with him! And not every day with anyone lol  He is 69 years old, he denies he is taking any meds for being a sex maniac. I thought by the time they got this old, they might want it every six months or less lol 

    Lovemyfamily Have a wonderful and blessed day. Things will settle down

  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 762
    edited March 2012

    Thanks PL, your words warm my heart! xo

  • dogsandjogs
    dogsandjogs Member Posts: 677
    edited March 2012

    Isn't it odd you never hear women make a statement like that do you?  So the ball is in your court, he's saying --- 

    I don't like the sound of this guy - but that's just me!

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