Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I just read the email he sent you and I did not find it cold...he could have not told you anything at all and just disappeared which would have been worse in my opinion. Maybe something is wrong with me, but I was alone for the first 58 years of my life and truly loved my single life. If it had not been for the face I needed insurance to live, I would not have gotten married. I see couples who work so well together and seem totally dedicated to each other and think that is wonderful and I know Eve was created so Adam would not be alone so we have just sort of been conditioned to think that is the way it should be.....but there is life without a man. Just as we all respond differently to treatment and have different SEs, we are each different when it comes to thoughts on being single and if our life is complete. I really am hoping you meet someone since you want to so badly....heard an add this AM on the radio for Cupid something that sounded interesting. You know that book Women are from Venus, Men from Mars....it is true.
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Mary, he did try to do that (fade away). I sent him two correspondences which he ignored. So then I asked him what was going on. Then he sent the Dear Jane email.
No, it's not just you that enjoys the single life - many women do. I just am not one of them. Everyone is different.
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Fearless, I just read your email that he sent you and I agree, it was tacky, though he told you like he feels. Hurt, HURTS! I am sorry. I know it is hard, but don't answer in any way. If it is meant to be he'll be back in the right time. Here is a kleenex. I have been crying from April 13th, 2010 throughout this Valentine's Day, for Bob. I am holding on within my heart. I finally gave up as far as time, though I pray to God to fix the crooked path straight, quickly. Then that night I prayed it, Bob finally spoke to me (it has been months), he found a compliment and said, "I like your new haircut". I thought, "What, doesnt' he know by now that I have been wearing a wig all this time?" But the point is, he was trying to talk to me about anything and that is all that he could come up with. Let God handle it, it is hard, but He can work something out or take all the desires from you that you have of this man....IF it is not of His will (if you want Him to).
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Hope, don't worry, I have no intention of contacting him - I hope no one thinks that because that would be pathetic if I did that. But I have no desire nor intention to. I am hurt and lonely, but I do have pride.
Hope, my faith has been rocky, but I still am praying, like you. Maybe when someone leaves us, it's a sort of protection, you know? Like they would have been really bad for us.
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Fearless, true, maybe we would be or would of been miserable with them. I am very fearful of anyone else in my life for a long term committment. This guy I am dating now, wants to sweep me off my feet, but with what a broom! Be careful not knowing enough of anyone, you need to know how they live in their home (organized a slob or what) and what about their finances? I know at my age (60 in April), we have to watch out for those whom just want a free ride on our insurance and then what, you get stuck with their 20% deductible possiblity anyway! I don't want to pick up someone else's bills, I don't mind men whom may have a little health deficiency, but watch out in the finance deficiency. I don't mind living off the land, but I still want a cash flow for traveling, etc. And BEWARE of those whom doesn't introduce you to their friends or family first! : )
I'd like to see you post a picture Fearless, so that we can see whom we are talking to, do ya have one?
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I currently have a tissue expander and am going through chemo. Funny, some people ask me if I am ready to start dating and I can't even think of that right now! Who would want me at this point! I will eventually have a reconstructed boob but i don't think a man would care, would they? I have shown girlfriends and they laugh and say my current tissue expander boob with no nipple looks better than their real boob!!
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Hope, I don't worry about being used financially. I make less than $12.00 an hour and I don't have any assets, so no man has ever used me for my money, lol! I don't meet bad guys - it's just that ultimately they don't want a commitment with me and that starts to get to me after awhile. Like I"m good enough to ****, but not good enough to have a relationship with.
Cat, I am sure you look beautifiul - I have seen foobs that look better than their original ones.
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Hey all, after reading all the posts on this I am gonna chime in........ a little about myself, then I will post about my relationship......or lack there of.......
I am 54. was married YOUNG at 16. Was with him for 13yrs..three kids...we lost our youngest when he was 13mths old of miningitis.... after that....I kinda died, but it was a good thing, because the relationship was very abusive... I finally got OUT! After a few months, I met a guy and we bacame good friends..... he helped me get thru that all.......and three years later, we married....but after 20yrs of being together...we kinda drifted apart over the years...felt like a piece of furniture in the house...we would go days without even speaking, so yes, I know about NOT being in happy marriages.... then in 2004 I met someone that I thought I was soooooooooo in love with.......we married in 2005 and divorce was in 2007! what a joke...he wanted someone else.....
Fast forward... a few months later, I met a guy, John, we had sooooooo much in common, had the best of times together, and began just living together...for almost a year....and broke up...... I began dating a guy, whoopps...he seemed pretty controlling!! Got rid of him....... John, and I got back together... this was in April 7th of 2010. We had the BEST three weeks ever.....spent so much time together unless I was at work....but he was sick and I knew it....he had cancer.... He died April 29, 2010....but of a brain anuriusm.. (sp)... anyway...there are my memories of him and the love and joy we did get to share during that time.
Ok...in July 2010 the controller....and I met up...he started being really really nice...not showing things like that anymore... being so sweet. So up till Dec. of 10 we dated...seeing each other about once a week, maybe twice a week...then I got diagnosed with BC............ he started not coming around much, he would Call or tx...but didn't come around. Finally one night after new years this year, he came by for supper...he was soooooooooo distant!!! So I stopped caling him and he didn't call or txt me......for three weeks didnt' hear from him, then a mean txt.... then not another word until Valentine's Day.......he sent me the most beautiful txt with rose and a song that said I was in his heart and mind all the time..... so Tuesday night we got together..... he has either called or txtd..but that's been it since then. Last night, I told him that I had to have another MRI yesterday and they might have to do another biopsy....... haven't heard from him since....... and I have txtd him three times...no replies............... this sucks!!!!
It hurts I know for each of you that are going thru this also, and am so glad for you the ones that have found that special person. Sometimes I wish John would never had died........he wouldn't have cared one bit if I had bc...he would've taken care of me.............................0 -
I have never married or had anyone in love with me. I don't think anyone can really relate to that, but at the same time I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Sunangel, I think that is the most anyone can possibly be expected to endure. I don't even know what to say except that I am glad you are okay and seem to be moving forward in your life....
It was only last night you talked to him, I am sure you will hear from him. Don't text him anymore.
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Yes, Fearless one, that is the worst that anyone could ever go thru. It has been 28 yrs (He would turn 30 on Sept 11th this year.) and there are days it seems like it was yesterday. I go forward, but some days it is one step, one foot at a time. And I love and look at my other two sons...Josh almost 31 and Shawn 37. They are my prides...plus their wives and my grandchildren they have given me now. Shawn has two girls 4 and 6 and Josh has a baby girl 2-1/2 mths old.
No I won't be txting or calling anymore......he does this when things are not going his way.....it might be a few days or a few weeks before I hear from him again.
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So next week is the big game with this guy, and we're going to dinner with his friends before the game. I told him how nervous I am, he said how nice and laid back they are etc... So he suggested maybe after the game we could meet up with a couple of my friends for drinks. So I asked my one friend who knows all about him, and the dilemma. It was all I had to not come unglued on her
this is her response: I do have plans that night. I don't know if I want to meet him yet anyway. I am still on the fence as to whether or not I can be supportive of someone that you are in limbo with.
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Dragon, Even though I did not find that message the guy sent to Fearless to be terribly cold, I am afraid I do find the response of your "friend" extremely so. Did she say this or email it or what? It just sounds so stiff and unfeeling. I guess you have to give her credit for being honest, but Jeesh, what kind of a friend is that? I would think she would be honored that you think enough of her to want her to meet him. And regardless of what she thinks, aren't friends supposed to support you and wasn't that the whole point of meeting up with some of your friends that night also? Sorry, but I am thinking I am liking this guy better than your friend....at least he was trying to do something to make you feel more at ease. And as I said before, don't worry so much....if he didn't like you and if he didn't think his friends would like you, I honestly do not think he would have suggested a get together. It's like meeting the parents....it's normal to be nervous, but at the same time, it's a sign that he wants to introduce you to "his" world and make you a part of it.
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That was terrible what your friend said. Why on Earth would she say that? Does she have a pattern of that?
Marybe...I dunno...I know everyone disagrees with me, but a two sentence email dump after 3 years is pretty cold, I think.
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Thanks Marybe, I totally agree with you. I was so mad and hurt at her response. I so badly wanted to say more to her but knew better to bite my tongue. She should be supportive, and I wasn't asking for her blessing, he's a great guy, and she should be happy for me. I don't get the limbo part either. Whether he's my boyfriend or friend what would having a drink mean? I am just a nervous person in general meeting new people. I will get to his house an hour before dinner, I asked if he'd please have a margarita ready and waiting for me! He said sure
When he first told me about his friends being at the game too I thought uh oh, because I didn't know if he'd be ok with running into them. Then he said lets go over and say hi before it starts, then he talked to them and now we're doing dinner! So I think it's big, and it will be ok! Thanks for listening, and reading that email. I'm very bothered by my friends response, but focusing on the game and dinner and fun times 0 -
ONE margarita, that is all. You don't want to get drunk even though it might make you a lot more comfortable. Once I was very nervous about meeting the friends of this guy I was dating...he was a younger man so of course that meant his friends were younger and I was thinking how they were going to be judging not only me, but my physical appearance and I was very uptight, This was on New Year's Eve and I was drunk before we even got to the party and was quite obnoxious and loud. I heard about that one for awhile, but it was not so bad the guy guit seeing me or anything, but boy did I ever have my regrets about having had too much liquid courage.
I guess I didn't realize it had been three years Fearless. Did you see that episode on Sex in the City where Carrie got dumped on a post it note? Are you doing something nice for yourself this weekend as we told you to do....bubble bath, pedicure?
Oh, this was a guy I met after BC also.....not only was I older, I also had a fake boob without a nipple and it really didn't matter at all to him. You WILL meet someone one day, Fearless.
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I promise, only one drink, no worries there
I'm not a huge drinker anyway, just one to help push the nervousness away a little! That's a great story though, my friend (not the nasty one, from the email above) and I were joking about being drunk when I met his friends!!! HA HA 0 -
Yes, love can happen. I'll share my story. I met a guy online. 8 weeks later I was telling him I was dx with BC. I thought he would turn and run, but he stuck it out with me and we just celebrated a year together. SO, he knew (saw) me before surgery (very briefly.) Now he jokes and says his girlfriend took a bullet for the CIA. And, love can come at any age. I was 59 when diagnosed. So, hang in there and when the right one comes along the rest won't matter
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Fearless........he called late last night....said he had been really really busy at work and doing things around the house. (I questioned this about him only because like I said he backed away so much when I had my biopsy and surgery in Dec 10). But, I asked him to make it clear to me last night.......are you here.......are we together.....is there an "US"....... he said yes...and to concentrate on getting better, getting thru the MRI results, biopsy if needed and make sure to take care of me, and just relax and know that he is there. I know that I SHOULD just trust it, but I haven't, not with the ups and downs we have had over the time that we have been together.
I hate having trust issues with a man........but with my track record........I don't have much and sometimes it's less......
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pixlepup. that is great! How funny about the taking a bullet for the CIA!
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Maryb, off and on for 3 years, yeah. That's why it hurt so much. Seemed the kind of email you would send someone you've been dating for a few weeks.
Whenever I would try to move on he would always resurface. But this feels different. He never told me anything like what that email said, so I assume he met someone special. Otherwise, he probably would have not mentioned anything.
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I believe what Louise Hay's said about loving yourself--it's the law of attraction--the more you love yourself, the more love you will attract into your life from others. I've gained 25 pounds from being a slug and over indulging in comfort foods during the last six months so I'm working on being more accepting of myself and loving me the way I am. Even if it doesn't attract a mate, I'm doing it because it feels better to feel good about myself instead of beating myself up over it. My only job is to feel as good as I can with what I have. Have a joyous day.
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Yeah, I definitely need to love myself more. I have been eating unhealthy food, not excersing, I look bad. Although miraculously, I haven't gained much weight, it shows in my skin and eyes.
I will go to the store tomorrow and start buying healthy food and no more alcohol (although I don't really drink much, just the last 10 days or so since I got that letter and have been down).
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VJ........I understand fully what you are saying!!! I have gained a fewwww more pounds since taking the tamoxifen and wanting the comfort foods to help smooth a few rough edges away from some hurts lately....but then jump at not eating them too......so it's been up and down...but one thing I am not doing is beating the crap outta myself for eating them............
learning to love me!!!
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pixelpup -- GREAT !! Gotta agree about love coming at any age -- DX at 61 (divorced at 45) , spent 4 years after treatment getting back to work and happy with my life and then tried looking online at 65 (!) -- and found it!! One thing about late-in-life relationships -- you don't meet the parents, you meet the grown kids (who don't really care that much, since they're busy leading their own lives.)
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I"ve tried on-line dating, I met some nice guys, but no relationship came of it. I might try again. I seem to meet men, it's just that they don't seem to want a committed relationship (with me).
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Fearless_one- I really believe you should stop putting yourself down.
Stop saying you are not pretty.
Stop thinking your hair or your eyes look tired.
Stop thinking guys don't want to commit to you! Maybe the ones you met, don't want to commit period.
When you stop putting yourself down and focus on the positive- WHICH I'M SURE IS THERE - and lots of it, others will see it too.
Maybe they already see it but you are soconvinced that you don't have it, and you are missing out on them.
How I wish I could help you feel better about yourself!
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Ok ladies, I apologize for sounding like a middle school girl here
First of all I hope everyone had a great weekend. We have today off of course, so just relaxing and taking it easy. Super excited to get my hair cut and colored today!! Now to the other jazz... Once again I don't know what to do about this boy... I swear this is like a broken record. I tend to over analyze things to death, so I'm trying to ask for advice and think things through before making a bad decision to just tell him to take a hike. He really doesn't have much time for me or that's how it feels lately. I get that he's busy, and we're taking it slow. It seems though ever since we had that talk, that I'm the one making the effort to initiate texts or whatever. He used to call every night, and text during the day etc... he didn't make any effort to call this weekend. I initiated the conversation both times saturday via text, we chatted a bit that way. He just kept saying it was such a crazy busy day etc, then I never heard from him yesterday, so at 1:00 or so I finally said hey, hope you're day is not as crazy as yesterday
.... finally got a text back like at 7 last night. we text a few times and that was it! So I thought about emailing him and saying how I feel, but we're not really in a "relationship" so should I? Is that silly, or will it sound needy/pushy to him or should I just let it go and know that he's busy? I just feel like he's making less of an effort to talk to me now and I don't get it? Saturday night we text back and forth but he never called, I sent him a text saying looks like I'm sharing my bed again (with my daughter) he said yeah, but not with me so see how this is confusing??? I like him a lot, I know he said he liked me a lot, taking it slow is one thing but this doesn't feel like just taking it slow 0 -
Sticky spot, Dragonfly. I also tend to over analyze things.
When I was in the dating forum, I had two different experiences that could be slightly similar. One, the guy just wasn't a "giver" of time or self. I thought I could "fix" him, WRONG!!! I did anything he needed such as helping him move and clean up after his kids (during chemo), but when I need to move (still in tx) he was too busy to help. I began moving on until I felt confident I was making the right decision to put a final end to it. This guy was shocked when he heard he got married, but I justasked him, who do you think helped me move?
The other, the guy called regularly, we had regular dates, but anything could interrupt our conversations or our plans. It made me feel very unimportant, so I began making the same sort of decisions such as not picking up the phone every single time he called (so it could look as if I had other things going on in my life.) and I wasn't as easy to schedule things with. That seemed to wake him up and he wanted to talk even more, and would call until we could, and I started to be the primary focus most of the time. It was sort of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" situation.
One thing I realized with both, is that guys are very susceptible to guilt from their children, and the children seem to know this and work it. This unfortunately leads to spoiled kids and wimpy dads. Could this be a problem, Dragonfly?
My advice is to not shut yourself out of the options of other suitors. If your guy senses there could be someone else, and backs away, he is not the kind of guy who will stick around in tough times.
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Excellent ideas Meece, actually the whole reason for taking it slow is to not introduce us to each others kids yet. So his kids and my daughter know nothing about the other. I know he's busy, he had his daughter and her friend all weekend, and his son had a couple soccer games, and he has a room mate now that has his kids over some etc.... I don't expect him to sit on the phone all the time with this stuff going on, just that before like a couple weeks or so ago he would still call and text on the weekends, and call even if he only had 10 minutes to spare. I don't get that feeling now...So do you think I just should not say anything to him about it and not answer the next time he calls or texts. That's the really hard part for me. I know guys are kind of clueless, and we over analyze so it's a risky match in general. The game is this weekend, and dinner with his friends and stuff.
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I would stop initiating any contact. It is becoming unbalanced, with you showing more interest than him. But I would answer if he contacts you. If you don't hear from him for your weekend plans, I would certainly not go out with him again. But hopefully that won't be the case...
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