Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Ok, I haven't posted in a while, because I haven't been dating. What I have been doing is meetups and networking events to meet new people. I'm new to my area, so I need friends more than a boyfriend right now. And it's working - I'm getting invited to stuff and meeting new people - including some cute guys. So who knows - maybe by mid-summer, I'll be back in the dating game!
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Got the results of my bloodwork and everything is fine!!! My tumor markers & liver enzymes are perfect. Thank you Lord.
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Great news Denise !! That is something to celebrate.
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Denise
Great news!
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paintedlady -- haven't heard from you for awhile -- how are things going?
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Sweetbean, that's the way to do it! I've had to learn over and over again that when you detach from the search for a lover, you attract and appreciate more deeply whatever relationships you do have. Sometimes all that joy even acually draws a significant other to you. Sometimes not but you're enjoying other aspects of life so much, you don't miss not having a relationship as much. Thank you for that reminder!
I actually had a "frate" with my ex-boyfriend this past Saturday. Completely spontaneous thing. He happened to be in my neighborhood to do a friend a favor and reached out. Next thing you know we spent the entire day together. We had a wonderful time, but we did have awkward moments and unsaid thoughts. We are both facing challenges in our lives (mine being breast cancer), and I think that makes us both needy for some kind of safe space where we can be with all that is, the good and the bad alike. Yet finding that space with each other makes us feel vulnerable. Speaking for myself, I want him in my life but I do not want to project on him a role that he cannot fulfill. Makes sense?0 -
That's great news, Denise!
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Thanks ladies! Now tell me why I feel guilty that I am doing well when so many of my sisters on BC.org aren't? There are ladies with young children who are much younger than I am (57) and have so much to live for and they are stage 4. I'm truly thankful to God but sometimes wish I could trade places with a woman who has so much more to live for. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing and all the "guilt" that goes along with it?
Antonio is in South Korea on business and he won't be back until Tuesday. I miss him, which is a good sign. My sons, aged 27 & 25 don't like him very much. He has a very high IQ but isn't great with social interaction with other people. But with me, he is fine and if he says something I consider a little rude or offensive, I call him on it. He truly loves the Lord and to me, that is the most important thing. A man who truly loves the Lord with all his heart is going to do his best to love those around him.
As for my sons, if they were younger and living at home I would never consider marrying someone until the issues resolved themselves and if they didn't, I wouldn't marry.
Relationships are so complicated sometimes, and sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
I hope you lovely ladies have a wonderful, happy weekend with love in your heart for whomever you come in contact with.
I love you all.
Denise
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Denise -- please be happy for yourself -- you deserve it. To say that others have so much more to live for is just not true -- you have so much to live for too .... you are a good and kind person and for that you deserve this. As for your sons, hopefully when they see how happy you are then they will come around too.
Have a great weekend --
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Cityfi- yes makes perfect sense. My ex-BF always had great pride in remaining friends with all his ex's. He would still do things with and for them such a give them a ride to the airport, or walk them to their car after a concert or something. Some it was a lot more distant and wary while others were quite comfortable. I'd love to have him in my life as a friend but I don't see that as possible even though I'd very much like that.
I think we are too similar and in the good ways we got along too well - meaning we clicked totally when things were good so I'd be very wary that I'd get sucked back in in a heartbeat. However because his pride has been hurt so terribly I don't think he would ever want to see me so probably no worries. I was so down last night I was really missing him - so thankful the morning has cleared my head.....
Denise- thank goodness and congratulations on your bloodwork!!!!! Whew, I know you were terribly worried. I understand about the guilt as well and it tears me up to read about the lovely young women. But then I remember when my Mom got sick, I would have been so sad to hear her feel that way- not sure if I can explain it. I'd understand what she meant but I'd be upset that she didn't understand how much she still meant to me... make sense?
I will just say a word of caution... I understand what you say about how if he puts the Lord first he will do well by you. However I would keep in mind that your kids are not thrilled with him... Your kids would love for you to be happy and find someone so if there is something that makes them uncomfortable, I'd listen. Also how do your friends feel about him. For me - my ex-BF was lovely when it was just us but everytime we were around others we would end up with problems. None of my friends cared for him and my sisters and cousins couldn't stand him. My kids? My little by with DS adored him but he loves anyone who will spend time with him.... (that makes me sad as he really misses him) the other two were very wary, they thought he did nice things for me... at times, but they could see how stressful it was when he was around. Anyway, for myself - if I ever meet or date I will pay a lot of attention to how my children and friends and family react.
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Denise - Survivor guilt is so very common. Not that it makes it easier. I didn't go to Relay for Life last weekend - didn't want to wear the Tshirt. I did nothing to earn it. I had a dear friend die of breast cancer. She didn't get to wear that 'shirt' long enough. I couldn't go. Congratulations on your blood work. Life is good
Enjoy it.After my break-up with T., my kids told me how much they disliked him; my daughter how much she hated him. I really wish they would have told me right away. I value their opinions and I think they are very good judges of character. My dearest friend, in the end, said she always felt uncomfortable, like he was uncomfortable in his own skin - now we see he was putting on an act. Is Antonio in sales or an engineer type? Two very different types of skill sets there. T. used to go to Korea on business too from time to time. You're going to stop confiding in us soon; we are all so very cautious for one another.
I think all we mean is: Eyes wide open.CityFi - You make perfect sense. I still gravitate to spending time with my ex-husband, although just as friends - I know his emotional limitations. I too fight projecting onto him the man I believe he could be, with determination and the Lord's help. But he is who he is and he is genuinely a treasure in his own right. But his fear of true intimacy is heart breaking for me. Yet he is safe, we have history and children. I love him dearly, which is sad and wonderful at the same time. I am too vulnerable right now to trust anyone else. I have drawn the line however and will not be sexual with him. I do give him a hug or kiss from time to time; life is short and sweet.
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Well, my desert dried up again! Two weeks ago was barraged by messages, now nothing. I guess spring has sprung and all the good ones are taken! Haha
I like sweetbeans' idea of joining a "meet up" group where there are planned activities and no dating pressure. I'd like to make more girlfriends right now anyway.0 -
Oh, one more thing. . .I read a magazine article about a woman in her early 30's who had gone on over 400 (online) dates before she found "the one"!!!!! Sigh.
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400 Online dates! How exhausting!
No I will NOT stop confiding in you ladies. We all have experiences we can share with each other.
Antonio has four engineering degrees and a high I.Q. I have found that a lot of guys like him don't have great social skills. My brother-in-law is very similar and my late husband was Mensa material, but not great with people.
My boys don't like Antonio because they feel he has to "one up" whatever they say. I was in the ladies' room when they started some political conversation. He can be rigid in his beliefs about God and politics. Despite not being a great people person and a little shy, I have seen no red flags to indicate he isn't a great guy. I wish I would have realized sooner about the other jerk I was dating from Christian Mingle "Joe". He's the one who got mad when I refused chemo & hormone blockers. Claimed it was because he wanted me around for a long time, but turns out he is a manipulative control freak. Glad I found out about him when I did.
Have a consultation with a different plastic surgery next week, despite having my surgery scheduled for June 12th. I'm just not 100% confidant in the PS I'm supposed to be using.
My sister has an acquaintance who just had a DMX and reconstruction. She used a new breast surgeon in town who didn't leave the huge horizontal scars and left her nipples despite the fact that she had 3 different types of BC. Logically, I always wondered why the BS couldn't just make a cut in the bottom of the breast, lift it up, scoop everything out and then put either an immediate implant or the tissue expander. Turns out, that is pretty much what this surgeon does! Wish I would have found out about him before I had my surgery.
Have a lovely weekend ladies.
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Denise - I don't know if I shared it on this thread, but I too have a long horizontal scar - about 8 inches. My new PS says he hardly ever sees that anymore. I felt I did a lot of research too. It upsets me. What your new PS is doing sounds great for women. My former tx ctr. U of MI, doesn't do nipple sparing, but I've heard they can scoop out all the breast cells and save the nipple now. I did have BC of the nipple, so I don't know. What's done is done. Because I had a lumpectomy it goes right up into my armpit.
Your friend Antonio, sounds a bit Asperger-like, and I don't mean that in a bad way. My son has a smidge of it and is a wonderfully big hearted guy. Sometimes he says things awkwardly and can be a great debater, even know it all. The more intelligent you are, the greater your chances of having it. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between someone with advanced engineering degrees and Aspergers, because of the social skills issues. And really......does it make a difference? Just so he's nice to you!
Loving this beautiful morning!! Already babied my roses a bit.
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HI sisters,
Saturday morning, beautiful day, got a bit of the blues--Need to remind myself how grateful I am for all the things in my life, my kids, my grandbabies, my wonderful friends, my HEALTH, no more financial worries, my job, BUT I still miss HIM and I know you know who I mean. He is who he is and he is NOT the one for me--a free spirit, moving with the wind, not interested in long term committment--ugh, but so darn attractive (to me). I think it is alot about wanting what you can't have--making it even more attractive. I started a tennis meet up group for women over 50--I am so looking forward to get out on the courts. Love to all my bc sisters you guys are the best!! xo
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Hi Ladies
Joanne thanks for wondering how I am doing.
I am okay. Just been a little down and discouraged.. I have talked on the phone with some guys and met a couple. So far, they all seem like jerks.
I would like to win the lottery because I would just go on a vacation by myself lol
Have a good weekend every one
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ASBERGERS!? You're the 3rd person that said that to me. I even looked it up online to see if he had some of the traits described and it turned out, he didn't have hardly any of them. But we've only been going out a little over 2 months so time will tell.
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I think you'd know right away if he fit. I see a lot of people as Aspie because I work with spec. ed. kids in the schools. I'd say 20% of my caseload has Aspergers. Don't mind me.........diagnosing people that you don't even know, let along can't even see, is a terrible thing to do !! So sorry dear!
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I went to a reunion last night (a few ele. friends). It ended early and I was all dressed up with no where to go so......... I went to the bar and went dancing. That part was fun. Some sweaty guy hanging on me dancing was not - altho' the dancing part of it was still fun and he was a great dancer. He was my age, too pushy and controlling (it's called fast forwarding) and says he goes there every weekend with his friends. The live music, and esp. the singer, was awesome. I thought the singer was close to my age. He was 40. His guitar player said I looked 42. I went outside to get some air and spoke to a good looking, nicely, yet casually dressed man, who appeared to be exactly my age. He was a dentist. He was there with his friend, who left with a young woman (dentist said she was about 31). I said - so your friend is younger? He said no. I commented on how men 'our' age seem to go for younger women. He said - "yes, if they can get them, sure. I mean why not?" Then I said - "If I went 10 yrs. older tho' I would be going out with guys in their mid-60s and really didn't want to do that". He nodded in understanding. I told him it was a dilemma. He agreed, and nodded understandably. We made a little light conversation about our kids and things (same ages) and then he said good night and that he enjoyed talking to me. He probably went to find a younger woman. He was certainly handsome/cute enough to do so.
I don't know if I had a good time or not. I love dancing. And I like that bar because most of the people are older, but the crowd seems to be gettting younger now, under new ownership. It was kind of a weird night.
The dancing was great exercise and I hurt all over in a good way, except for my knee issue which now hurts a lot. I'm getting so I don't care. I want to MOVE already!!
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Gosh, I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post. If I did please let me know..........I do count on you ladies being here and certainly wouldn't want to hurt feelings or put my foot in my mouth........
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I certainly do not think you said anything wrong -- I am glad you enjoyed yourself -- sort of ....
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Good Morning Ladies
Mybee In my opinion, you have said nothing offensive.
I havent been on here lately because i have been feeling down and stressed out financially.
As afar as meeting someone, the one's that seem appealing are far away from me. I just talked on the phone to a guy last night. Very good looking, financially successful but he lives at least 60 miles from me. Another one that is interested lives an hour and half drive from me. I really dont know how you can see someone that far away frequently enough to develop a relationship.
A couple of Saturdays ago, I met a guy at the singles dance. He wanted to take me out to eat during the week. I said no. He is 78 years old! I am definitely not interested.
Hope you ladies are having more success than I am
All of you, have a wonderful day
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paintedlady -- 60 miles is not that far --- and if things develop then who says you have to stay where you are or he does .... If he sounds like a nice man and you feel that you might connect then I think it is worth trying ..... at least one date ...... go for it!
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Sorry I haven't been on as much lately either... Maybee I see nothing that could offend either. I'm sorry the new owners are bringing in a younger crowd but the "regulars" may still come back. I think that sounds wonderful to have a place you feel comfortable and can dance - sounds like places I used to go back in college - sigh.
I've been very down. I think things finally really hit me with the end of the relationship. Maybe before giving things back I mentally didn't have to go there that this was really the end and now I do. I have many weak moments where I go want to call or email him but I wasn't thoughtful in the way I choose to end it. In my defense, I knew it had to be quick and to the point or I wouldn't ever end it and I knew I couldn't see him as I wouldn't go through with it either. But it is hard and very sad. When things were good - they were magical good in the sense that we totally knew each other and were connected even when we were not physically together. Then things slowly started to fall apart and then gained more and more momentum downhill. Of course when I think about him now I tend to only remember the good. So I now made of list of the bad to try and remind myself. I honestly just cannot imagine finding anyone though. I so admire you all's strength and courage in this whole dating process. Really it just scares me to death. I also just can't imagine letting someone else in.... I don't know, maybe I'm just not in a good place yet...
Anyway, I so love reading and living through you all...... makes me happy. I wonder if I hadn't gotten BC would everything have still been great between us and just in general how tremendously my life has changed in so many ways because of this disease. I keep trying to think of the positive and see all the changes having reason.. so I'm trying....
Thanks so much to all of you for being there!
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Stanzie - I am so sorry you are down. I think our culture has a hard time allowing time to grieve - whether that be for death, illness or losses of any kind. I was shocked at how many people told me that I needed to move on from my relationship, even my own mother, within two -three mos. When you believe you have a life and future with someone I think a couple of years is much more realistic.
A couple of mos. ago, I still saw so many good times that seemed so different from the bad. I now can see the rel. as a whole, as a package, and HE as a whole person. It is not pretty as even the good came from a manipulative place. Not that we didn't have fun but there was so much that was just plain shallow and playing at a relationship, rather than having one. I am at a good place now, sad sometimes, but good. btw - i had a weak moment the other day when Donna Summer died. We saw her in concert 3 yrs. ago and had a fun evening. Of course I got no response when I sent a brief email because I am a non-person to him now, but this is good too. Reminds me that i was never really a full person to him.
My kids really need me right now - we've been through a lot of trauma - but in time I will try Christian Mingle. I did a free look and see the other day and I liked what I saw - a few jerks but quite a few close by, with lots of potential. Still getting back to me right now
BC changes you too........in so many ways, I believe. Things will improve sweetie. Hang in there!
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Oh - I agree. 60 miles is really not that far if he is willing to drive.
I don't know if I enjoyed myself the other night. While I had fun, it doesn't feel like where I am supposed to be right now. it's an intuitive thing...........but the band was great.
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Hi friends,
I am fighting that down feeling as well. In spite of my best efforts, I reached out to F. and he wrote that he needed some space and that by the end of July we could reconnect--as friends of course. I was the one who initiated the month of May break--to try to give myself some reality checking. It feels like one day at a time addiction stuff, and like I have relapsed by allowing myself to talk with him and now I am back to thinking about all the good times, etc. and blah blah blah. Deep breath. One step at a time. Thanks for listening sisters! xo
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It is an addiction. To something. I think it is individual. But the 'hook' whatever it is, is addictive. No contact is best. Brings perspective. Sometimes very hard to do.........sigh.
Almost seems like a power/avoidance thing with the two of you.
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Thanks for the insight mybee. could you say more about what you mean? Or should I just STOP obsessing about the whole thing. I really was doing quite well--was busy at work and hardly thought of him at all--then I got stood up for the match date and I called him and I moved pretty quickly back to that bad place. I am praying and going to therapy! xo
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