Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I don't think this guy is divorced. I think he is separated. If you did a county court records search on-line, I don't think you would find him (all divorces are public record). Just a gut feeling. But I guess it doesn't matter now, anyways....
I don't think you should rule out on-line. Just be careful, that's all. There are good ones...
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He is divorced, I did my checking him out thing after we went on a few dates. All of that is just on paper, I think he's confused because in his heart he wants the family, his son to stop acting out etc... but she's not the one and he's willing to settle!
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On line is still a very good way to meet guys. I got to a point that I wanted to meet them as quickly as possible to avoid creating a fantasy around someone I never met because then there would often be a huge disappointment once we met - for various reasons - not just appearance. Would meet for coffee in a public place and usually told a friend where I was Took my own car. If that went well I would consider a second date - but also in a public place - restaurant etc. In the meantime I would be trying to check him out with others - make sure he was who he said he was. Better than going to a bar and not good to date people from work
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Yeah, I agree. On-line is as good as anything else. I just have a few "rules" for myself:
1) NO MORE LONG DISTANCE
2) No one who is separated
3) If I don't hear from him within 3 days of our first date, I won't go out with him again
I don't expect everyone to agree with me, these are just my little personal "rules". And of course, the obvious ones like no drugs, etc.
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DF, for what it's worth, this guy really did lead you to believe everything was fine - there were no obvious flags here (until recently). You could not have predicted this outcome.
I guess the only thing that caused my antennae to go up is when he told you he "hated" her. Hate is a very active emotion. Usually when someone hates an ex, they are not over them. Only when they become indifferent to them.
This guy will try to come back to you in the not-too-distant future. It won't last with her. Please don't ever go back to him.
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Fearless, I totally agree with no long distance. Don't even get into email because unless I am willing to move there is no point in even starting. Also agree with the separated - don't go there. My own kids have told me that the rule is 5 days for a phone call following first date. Apparently my 2 oldest sons ( who are now married) waited 5 days. My newest DIL told him he got in just under the wire. In my day, I thought 2 days was the max. Part about love/hate......absolutely true. I figure that just before Christmas, he will be begging you for another chance.
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THose are good rules, I guess I look at guys that are no more than an hour away. I'd be willing to move that far, but no more. I'm in a spot in my life that moving would be ok with me. That's why it didn't bother me about him being 40 minutes away.
I am still so lost as to when I look at the posts when I was in Boston and New Orleans at how different he was with me. Calling every night for over an hour, missing me terribly, wanting me home, telling me I should move closer or in with him.... and now here we are.I guess I just am analyzing this to death, and need to just forget about it.
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Dragon .. I think it's normal to analyze the hell out of the situation, especially because you were blindsided with this latest development. It's hard to just 'forget' since you two were getting so much closer over the past few months.
Go easy on yourself .. sending a big hug,
Bren
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Dragon - "true colors" will eventually become evident if you give it time. My guy was acting starnge with me and I realized he was continuing to "browse" on match. I'm fine with him browsing - either he'll realize I'm the one for him or he'll realize he wants to date someone else. Once I found this out, I told him that if he is going to roam so am I. Since then things between us have been awesome. I don't think he's has any dates recently and I've been talking to a few guys -
Play the feild and have fun...
Karyn
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I don't consider 40 miles away long distance. I meant like in another state. DF, I don't blame you one bit for feeling the blow. He really did catch you offguard - things really were progressing.
Karyn, I agree....when they know you are still looking or dating others, it only makes them want you more.
Hrf, are you considering going on a dating site right now? Sounds like you might be ready......
You ladies are awesome, these guys are crazy.....
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I did unhide my profile on match, I figure I can look it won't hurt.
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Hi everyone, My name is Kiley. Im new to this site....and the internet. Also from Oregon Dragonfly. Having been married 30 someyears of my life i to find myself alone. My DH, for me that stands for dumb husband, left me 4 months after my mastectomy. I really disconnected myself fromeverything after that! Glad to find this site! Sorry for my typos. Hoping to meet others and reconnect w life. Sure does seem like a bumpy road out there. Signed up at a dating site but to scared to go out w anyone. Those men can say anything! A woman i met said oregon was a bring your own man state and so far i think she is right! I athink the advice and information you get here is very good. Best of luck to all of you and nice to meet you. Hoping i fit in here. Dragonfly you are a beautiful woman, young w friends and lots going for you (and strong ) ..... Wishing the best for you do not settle for anything less. Lots of strange men out there so be carefull. Take Care, Kiley
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No, no more dating for me. I don't want to deal with any more disappointment. Also, with all the se's I've had from this 2nd dx, There is just too much for me to cope with. What are you up to, Fearless?
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Kiley58 - Welcome - My husband had an affair that started before my diagnosis but continued through treatment - I moved out after my second AC treatment... There is life after divorce.
KAryn
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Kiley, welcome to the chat, sad to see you hear if that makes sense. That means you're struggling too. I'm curious more about this bring your own man. I also think it's sad that out of my broad range of friends, very few are actually in a happy relationship or in one at all. I have 2 friends that are gay and they're happy, lmao!
I can't believe husbands leave you after diagnosis, or mx, what jerks huh
I also want to add, as crazy as it may sound... I have a good friend who does PI work. After a few dates with this guy, I asked her to do a basic check on him. Background check, etc... that's how I know for sure he is divorced. I figured if he's going to be around me and especially my daughter I deserve to know what I'm getting into. I never give out too much info as to where I live, and always meet at a public place, and always tell friends where I'm going with who and give out the guys info to them just to be safe.
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I've learned there is physical safety - it's the emotional safety that is the problem.
It is not unusual for a man to leave a wife or girlfriend following a dx of BC. There is actually a thread on BC.org where women are sharing their stories of pain and sorrow. It is devastating to be left at a time when you are so vulnerable and afraid - and by someone you trusted0 -
I have the physical sffety covered forward and backward, but..... the emotional part I seem to struggle with, and letting my guard down.
It just blows me away that someone would do that, devastating probably doesn't even begin to describe what it must feel like
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When I first joined dating site a man from portland started messenging me, even sent his phone number and email. I told him I was not comfortable calling or emailing just yet but would like to write via the inbox at site to get toknow him next thing i know my home email was disabled and all my avg and spy bot were disabled. technician said it was due to someone from that site. Well everything is back up and running (changed my email address). But I was really scared. Your lucky to have someone to check things out for you! I am so afraid to meet these guys....When one messages me from my own town it really kinda scares me. Maybe Im not ready yet or just fraid of being hurt, I dont know. But so grateful to have this site to help me navigate thru things Im not familar with. I think it is good for me to open up. Thank you , Kiley
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Wow that is scary as heck Kiley, I would be totally freaked out too. I like to think I have a pretty good sense of the person at least as far as if I feel safe or like they're legit. So I have some learning to go as well, I should of been able to spot this guy had issues emotionally. It's super hard to not be afraid of getting hurt, and putting yourself out there time and time again.
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I do love toread profiles on those sites, it cracks me up! Some of thes guys say I like to fish, ski boating, hunt, hike, camp, deep sea dive, travel its like when do you have time to live? Makes me laugh...Im just learning to ride my bike again w out landing in a ditch lol. I think the advice we get from this site is good. Weve been thru or going thru breast cancer and all that goes w it the ups and downs and unknowns we need to be wary. I admire the way you put yourself out ther Dragonfly I hope I get to the point to step out abit and move forward....
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I also pray to God you dont get hurt again! Kiley
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I do love the profiles, and agree with you on all the stuff some of them say they do. I had someone ask me what I like to do when I don't have my daughter. I'm like um.....um.... I don't know?
I didn't say that but really I have my daughter 75% of the time. So when I don't have her I just hang out at home, go out with friends, road trips, none of the exciting stuff these guys say.Riding a bike is tricky lol! I hadn't done it in a long time. We went to Surniver for a few days and my daughter insisted we ride a tandem bike. Wow... not my best moment. Crashed twice, once I got pinned between a tree and the bike! We laughed so hard and were so bruised
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At work right now, can't talk...Kiley, I just want to say welcome and how sorry I am about your DH (dumb husband, lol! I love that!)...don't be afraid to go out there - just be careful by taking your own car at first and meeting in public places.
Hugs to you ladies - will check in later!
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Oh Dragonfly how funny!!! I can so relate. Last year I tryed riding a scooter (thought how hard can that be...) w my daughter , well we were on an old irrigation road going like wildfire.....i was thinking this is so awesome i feel like im flying! Well my daughter was really going fast, passed me up, way far ahead. My left arm gave in and i crashed into an irrigation ditch, not hurt (cept my pride) but was soooo tangleled up in the blackberry bushes took us 45 minuteds to get me untangled! We laughed so hard i almost peed my shorts!! By that time i had some cuts and scratches that started to bleed just a little, but must have been the dinner call for the mosquitoes they came swarming in! What a mess i was when we got home! But still laughing so hard i cryed!! Ha Ha Ha so funny!I was never so happy to get in the tub!! Well go to go mow the lawn, with that rain weve been having it is so out of control. I'll be raking and mowin all day ! Take Care All I'll be back later ThankYou Kiley
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Kiley - I have a separate email that I use for anyone I meet online. That way I can cancel or block someone if I need to. It also doesn't contain any personal information about me. My real email has my last name which I won't tell them until later.
I am suspicious of the people who are too eager to talk right away. I told one guy we need to email a little more before talking on the phone. Next thing I know is that I'm blocked from contacting him.
Karyn
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I have to say that I was chatting with this one guy on a Thursday, and he said ok well I'll talk to you on Saturday. I said oh you got a hot date tomorrow night ha ha... He is a psychologist, so the next time we chatted he was rude and said that I was way out of line to ask what he was up to, I said um... I was totally joking, he said I normally block people like you.. WTF? I said well good luck to you on your search, and he said I suggest you don't do what you did to me to other guys etc... I said well I suggest you try and put your degree aside and don't alayze the s*&$ out of everything a girl says! Some crazy guys for sure.
Like Karyn, I don't use my regular email address either for online dating and don't give out my # for a while after emailing, etc...
Kiley - I LOVED your story, the things we do for our kids huh
I'm so not coordinated, espeically to be riding a tandem bike. We were in New Orleans and almost rented a little vespa to go around the French Quarter. But when he was telling me about the insurance and damage waivers etc... I got so nervous and stuck with the bike instead! Lol 0 -
Wow, I didn't really meet rude guys on-line. Just a lot of men living at home. I am 46 and don't want to date someone who lives at home. I know that sounds shallow, but so be it.
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I totally am with you on that one. I either get contacted by young guys, who are great but want kids of their own, which I can't have, or they don't want a girl with kids. Or older ones and I mean like 10-15 years older, which for me is just a bit too much. So the options just get more and more limited...
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I'm older than you, so the men I date are late 40's, early 50's and their kids are grown and they don't want more, so I never had that issue come up. I don't know....I just think you are going to meet someone great - you are beautiful and personality shines through on you...
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Hrf, what side effects were you referring to? I wish you wouldn't throw in the towel on dating. I know it's really hard, but I like to at least have hope that I will meet someone, you know? My heart goes out to you, because I have times I feel like that. But I keep plugging along. Must be my abandonment issues, lol! I don't want to be alone....
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