Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Well, it's only Tuesday...but he needs to touch base with you soon - whether he has his boys or not. He can make a few minutes to say hi.
I would hold off on sending him what you wrote for a little while longer, if you can. There is nothing wrong with it, I just think he might not respond (or not respond soon enough) and you will feel even worse.
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I think you're right, I'm going to hold off for a little bit longer on sending it, I'm just not ready to. Sometimes it feels good to put it into words though even if I never send it, make sense?
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Dragon .. I think it's a great idea to write your thoughts down. I wrote so many letters to my ex that I never sent .. but it felt so good to write them. I would write them, set them aside and reread them the next day. Of course by then, I was thinking and feeling better, so didn't send them.
Sending you a hug,
Bren
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Thanks Bren... I was talking to a good friend. She said this similar thing happened to her 2 times and she got tired of waiting and lost out on a great guy, so she's telling me just hold strong as long as I can. I'm sure trying! You're right, the writing stuff down really helps, I'm sure if I did send it, it could be too much for him right now.
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I would give him through tomorrow night to contact you. No man who goes more than 3 days without contact is worth waiting for. You don't have to see him (especially if he has his boys for awhile), but he could just say hi, let you know he is still thinking of you.
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he contacted me Sunday so I was just thinking I'd give him another day or 2 before I say something.I find none of this a good reason to not at least text me and ask me how my day is or how I'm doing or that he's thinking of me etc..
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I really think you will hear from him. But if you don't, honestly, I wouldn't contact him. I know he cares about you - I don't think he is going to do the fade-out with you. We don't even know that this is over - just DON'T contact him yet.
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You're probably right... it's hard, but I have initiated NO contact with him since we had that talk Friday night.
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I've also written many letters/emails that I never sent. It does help to write things down. At ,east on computer I would edit and edit and usually not send. And sometimes did send when I thought the time was right. By the time I sent, I would edit it to be very short and to the point. I don't think it ever made a difference to the outcome but sometimes it was important to me to express myself. Maybe you will hear from him tonight but don't contact him yet. Give it another day
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My experiences have been that of Hrf's. I don't feel that any of my letters made a difference in the outcome of those relationships. Sometimes I felt better for sending them, sometimes I didn't, depending on the situation or what I wrote.
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Fearless, I always thought I was the only one who did those things. And I felt the same as you. So here's a question. The guy who disappeared on me when I had my surgery (even though he promised to stay with me) left some things at my house - underwear to be exact. He and I have had a few emails mostly that I initiate. Sometimes he apologizes, sometimes he's a jerk. At this point I have promised myself that I will never again initiate any communication. But should I send the underwear back to him or should I burn them? (they are clean.....LOL).
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I definitely would not send them back. They are only underwear. Might be cathartic to burn them, lol! I will tell you that if he had zero feelings for you, he wouldn't respond to your emails. When men are done, you just stop hearing from them. However, the fact that he went awol when you had surgery....I would hate to see you start something back up with him....
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I will never start anything back up with him. Maybe what I want is catharsis. Believe it or not he Is a doctor and his patients feel he is kind and sensitive. He supported me on the decision to do the bmx because he knew in my case (BRCA+) it was potentially life saving On a personal basis, he can't cope with emotion. I don't even think I could cope with seeing him again and I sometimes worry about bumping into him as he lives only a mile away from me. If i saw him on the street I would turn and run in the opposite direction. Regardless, it was very painful and even though I know he will never be in my life, the way he disappeared continues to affect me.
Anyway, just thought I'd try to divert Dragon from her current dilemma. No hope for me but still opportunity to be optimistic for her0 -
Thanks for trying to distract me
However I have a juicy story for you.... I have talked to a guy on a dating site a few times, nothing special. Tonight he said he was taking his kid home, I asked where his son lives like how far from him. He ironically said his son lives in the same town as this boy I've been dating. So I asked if he knew him, he said yes, he's a total loser!!! Now before you guys flip out like I did....he said he hasn't seen him in years so what he does know is NOT recent. I know in his past he did drugs, and drank a lot etc so what he said didn't really phase me. However it just made me wonder, how legit he is really being with me about what happened with him and his ex, and what's going on.I feel like I'm going to puke, I think I just had enough tonight and sent him this: Hey, hope you had a good day. I've wanted to let you know what's on my mind but have not wanted to put any more stress on you. Where we were 2 weeks ago and where we are now couldn't be more opposite. I understand you have a lot going on and you've asked me to be supportive & give you a little time to sort things out. I am totally willing to do that, but I am not willing to have basically no communication with you in the mean time. How can I be supportive if you're shutting me out? All I'm asking of you is to be aware and understand where I'm coming from. As I said before, I'm here for you
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He called, it's over, he has her on his mind! I guess he's thought it was done all this time.
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Men!! Don't let this sour you on all of them....there are some good ones out there, but I myself would not look for them on line. I am really really sorry the way things turned out....things seemed to be going so well. Look at it this way, it is his loss.
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He wants me to wait and give him time to figure this out... He's a mess, doesn't know what he wants, which way is up, and has an appointment with a counselor for himself. He said the part with his ex is a tiny tiny part of all of this.
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Dragon, I don't think you should be waiting. You will have to move on. The rest of it is his problem. Based on his ex's past behavior, if he still has her on his mind, then he has big unresolved problems and you have better things to do than wait for him. Take some time to heal and then try again.
Marybe, I know there are many women who say they won't look online for a partner. However, it doesn't matter where you meet someone - online, in a bar, through a friend - there are jerks and good ones everywhere. It doesn't mean that those who are online are losers - most people meet on line these days. It's the way things are done in 2011 I met one man through a religious group and he turned out to be very strange.0 -
I'm not going to wait, I'm not putting myself out there and making an effort at all. He's got issues for sure, and I hope some day he realizes what he walked away from when he's miserable and alone or miserable with her! Thank you ladies SO much for listening to me, and the advice and support!
It's funny you mention the religous part. My friend met a guy on a Christian dating site, and they got married. He was a total loser, and liar etc... I just am AMAZED at how few good guys there are out there. It's really discouraging honestly!
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Dragon, I guarantee he will try to get you back in a few months but by then you won't be interested. It's interesting because you have caused me to reflect. Of the 5 guys who broke my heart, 2 of them tried to get me back, 1 has become a friend - we talk on occasion, I became principal of the school where the 4th one sent his kids and we talked a few times and then there's the 5th whose underwear is still in my drawer.....LOL. So I guarantee he will be back because he will figure out that he made a big mistake. You'll have someone new by then.
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Well then you know how much satisfaction we'll all get out of me telling him to take a flying leap of the tallest building possible!
I really have a hard time being just his friend right now, maybe later but it hurts too much still
For the underwear guy, I'd be tempted to send them to his work or something crazy
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When you do that, we'll cheer for you and have a drink in your honor. I understand it will take time. The guy with whom I finally became friends - well it took many, many, many years to get to that. As far as the underwear guy, I'm beyond the point of wanting to embarrass/hurt him but there was a time when I wanted to. Time for sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day, Dragon.
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Sounds great, we'll have an honorary celebration drink across the board! It's hard, Eventually I may be ok with just being his friend. But for now I don't know how to make small talk, and shut off my heart, or hope for him to ask to see me etc... I'm worth it dang it, screw him! It was funny because he said he still wanted to see and talk to me. I was thinking to myself if he even thinks he's going to come see me and be a "friend with benefit" thing he's going to have a huge wake up call!
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Sorry, I should not judge as I am no authority on this and never met anyone on line. However, I have a good friend, actually two who had used Internet dating sites. The one went with a guy for over two years, they were engaged, and he started acting strange and she kept asking him if he was seeing someone else and never got a straight answer and she moved his stuff out of her place and was taking a break and he was threatening suicide and was writing her crazy letters.....he supposedly did try it, but decided not to at the last min so went to the hospital to get his stomach pumped and the hospital contacted her and when she showed up and had to sign in (guess you have to do this at a psych ward) they asked her relationship to the patient and she said ex-fiance and they said well so and so is listed as his fiance. It turned out this guy had three of them!!! How he juggled his time is beyond me because he was with her a lot, always on weekends and they were traveling all the time. The story gets better...he was a registered sex offender and was breaking the rules by even leaving the state, but somehow he got a passport while she was going with him....so much for homeland security.....then this really came to a head when someone he was supposedly in a counseling relationship with charged him with rape. More and more kept coming out and he went to jail for two years. Then as if she had not learned her lesson she met another guy.....this was when they offered a few weekend on some service....he was just her type, tall, liked to wear tuxes (she is sort of high maintenance) was a retired doctor, had a great personality. He was taking her great places and she met his family and they all seemed really normal, then he sister googled the guy and found out he had been in the federal pen for running a pain clinic. She maybe could have accepted that, but was really upset because he lied and said he had just decided medicine was to hectic and it was the lie part that got her. Now she is going out with someone she met through a friend and although there are no sparks flying she said he is really nice and he is normal, not an ex con or anything. Now my other friend just continues to subject herself to rejection all the time and I can't understand it at all. She meets guys on line, they write back and forth and find they have a lot in common, they will have wonderful long phone conversations and then she will go meet the person for dinner or something and that's it....always just one date. She is overweight and not what you would call ugly,but she is not a person who does a lot in the makeup dept and she always ends up feeling just terrible after these encounters. She has gotten to the point where she will say Well, I am going for another lst and only date tonight and I can't understand why she does this because it certainly is not good for her self esteem. It makes me sick that guys cannot see what a great person she is...she has a wonderful sense of humor, she is smart and well educated, she loves sports and can discuss them (unlike me who thought football had innings) and it is just sad. I am very fortunate that I never had a problem meeting men before or after BC and I think it is not due to the fact I am drop dead gorgeous (for sure I am not....have always been dubbed cute), but it's the fact that I have never really cared if I met someone or not and I think sometimes that appeals to men. Anyway, I should not criticize on line dating as a way to meet men since I never did it , but these two friends and their experiences are enough to make me never even want to try it if in the event I would be in the market again. One thing this friend of mine says and maybe it is true is that there are all these 50+ year old men out there who look their age and they are looking for pretty little 30 yr old and who would a pretty little old 30 yr old want with them....she says they are delusional.
Anyway, Dragon, I am confused....you said it was over, that she was on his mind, but then you said he wants you to give him time......so is it over or not?
HRF, Once when I broke up with this guy....it had been building up for a long time, but finally I just had it with him....I left his place and said I was going to go because I was tired ( it was another case where we were supposed to do something but didn't cuz he was hung over and I was tired of being disappointed) and I then went home and did not answer the phone when he called multiple times. I told him the next day I had gone out with some friends which in turn pissed him off because he couldn't believe I would leave his wonderful company and then go out with friends. Well, I decided that was going to be how it was from then on in.....doing lots of nothing with him so I put his underwear ( he liked to sleep in boxers) which was the only thing I really had of his at the house in a manila envelope and mailed them to him. He then calls and asked Is this how you break up with a guy? and I said in your case Yes, and that was that. And you are most certainly correct there are good ones and bad ones everywhere.
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I'm just as confused as you are
I hoped to clear things up after talking to him but nope!!0 -
I think he's being clear. He wants his ex-wife.....he thinks, but just in case he wants to string you along. You are not a consolation prize. His confusion speaks volumes. Could you ever trust his feelings again? But only you know what you are willing to accept from a guy and if this is ok with you, then at least you go into it with your eyes open.
Good story about mailing the underwear, Marybe. These days, regardless of how you meet someone, it's a good idea to Google them first. That's something we didn't have years ago. I would expect someone to Google me.0 -
You can't be friends with him right now. Clearly, it's over. I agree with Hrf that it won't last with the ex (I give it a few months, tops) and he will come try to come back. I can promise you this. I really hope you don't respond at that point or tell him that you hopes he understands that you cannot see him again.
I am so sorry, but it's as I always say: SILENCE = ITS OVER. Same thing happened with my last guy. I didn't hear from him for 2-3 days, and emailed him. He responded and told me he is dating some other women and can't keep giving me "hope", but that we can be friends (BARF). The guy before that - I stopped hearing from him and asked him what was up - he told me he met someone and wished me the best in "finding true love".
I guess in hindsight, it was over the moment he said he was considering going back to her. But not so easy to walk away from someone we want to be with, I totally understand.
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I think I've known all of this, but hoped and dreamed it would work out the way I want. I was willing to wait it out if it meant giving him time to get his son on the right track, etc. The ex part, not so much so. I do deserve more/better and I was fine being single before I met him. I have a good life, a great group of friends and my amazing daughter. I always told myself that when I met a guy he'd better have a lot to offer ME to be in a relationship. So I need to look at it that way again. I'll get there, just takes time. I also see this as a sign of weakness that his son acting up, and his crazy schedule is throwing him for a loop. Maybe I can handle a lot more, but I think IF we were in a relationship, and later on something major came up would he be strong enough to handle it. What if my cancer came back, could he be strong for me?
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Also, personally, I don't think all men on-line are "bad". I have known many couples who met on-line. However, I do think it's a Haven for troubled and rebounding men. Just by the sheer volume on there, you are bound to meet some.
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It frustrates me that he was on a dating site, dating me for a few months and yet is saying he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. If you're not over your ex and ready to move on, don't put yourself out there. I think it's hard to meet people in general. Most of my friends are single, I don't work, I don't want to meet a guy in a bar, so.... how do you meet them?
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