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  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    Thanks so much Fearless, I'm doing much better today. I think I finally accepted it for what it is. I was ok alone before and will be now. I would love the all American dream though, the husband the house the dog, a soul mate etc... I just don't know that it will happen.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    You will have those things again, I promise you.....my fear is that this guy will resurface and you will go back to him.......

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    I will be strong, and do my best, and at this point I can't say definitely no. However I feel he's going to have to really prove himself, and do some serious soul searching and get his head completely removed from his butt.

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    I know, it's hard...mine kept resurfacing and told me how he had just been afraid and how he knows he could fall deeply in love with me, etc - then he dumped me in a two-line email.  

    I guess my point is, they never know what they want.  I think he meant the things he said, and I think your guy meant the things he said.   They are like sheep - easily led...in this case, by the wrong woman.  

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    Well who needs them!! :)

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    You are a strong lady....

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    I used to just email guys through the dating site and not give them my personal email but also wise to set up a special account. Can't be too cautious. I remember communicating with one guy on line - he was educated, sounded interesting. When I told him what I did for a living he told me he didn't like bossy women.........WTF. That was the end of that. So my side effects at this point are: lack of hair, no boobs, overweight (from chemotherapy, arimidex,), permanent neuropathy in my foot and I'm wearing a compression sleeve on my arm that had all the nodes removed. So there's the body image stuff and I just couldn't take being hurt again. I have 3 grown sons - 2 married and the oldest with 2 adorable kids who I am crazy about. My youngest son lives in his man cave in my basement while he saves his money. He has a wonderful girlfriend who I hope will be my DIL one day. Little grandkids love you unconditionally I don't like being "alone" and I never imagined that I would end up this way - it's not what I wanted but I guess this is what fate had in store for me. I honestly did try and don't know what I could have done differently. My ex-husband was emotionally and mentally abusive to me so it took a long time to recognize what had happened to me so I had to crawl out of that too. I think, when I was pretty (so I'm told) and 19, I should have married a really rich old guy who was crazy about me and then had lots of lovers. Instead I thought I wanted love. But the 2 of you can still find your soul mates

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    Hrf, so you have been through an abusive husband and BC....that is so much to deal with....I'm confused, are you going through chemo again, right now?    Are you having reconstruction?   I am in the middle of recon, so that's why I don't want to date right now.  

    I am glad your son is there, though - does he help you at all?   Has he helped you during treatment and all?

    No, the THREE of us will find them!   We all make mistakes when we are young and blow off the wrong guys (I blew off a guy who now has his own orthodontist practice in Switzerland - he was crazy about me, met him when he was in dental school, here on vacation)...   please don't think it's over .    I wish I could convince you of that......there's many guys our age who had bad marriages or whatever and still want a partner in life...

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    I am so much better tonight, just got home from meeting some friends for margaritas! I love having so many supportive people in my life. On here and in real life. Thank you ladies :)

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    These boards are so important because of the support. We all need it. I finished my second round of chemotherapy exactly 2 years ago. Finished the first round in june 2005. Also had to have rads two times. I want to do reconstruction but really need to lose weight first. I have seen a surgeon here already and am seeing a second one next week. They both are renowned for DIEP which is the only choice I have. But I've been reading about fat grafting which does not require major surgery - but a few rounds of lipo and gives a good result. No one doing it here yet so I'm not sure what to do. Someone sent me the name of a doctor who might be doing it here so I need to check that out. My kids are pretty good but they are men if younknow what I mean. I'm lucky to have great DILs. The two married ones live very close by and the one at home does help when I need it. He doesn't ask me to do anything for him at all. My DIL's mother died last year - also breast cancer so she gets it.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    Dragon, I'm so glad you had a good evening with friends and refreshments

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    hrf - where do you live? I am in Oregon and just went to NOLA for my DIEP reconstruction and I can't say enough good things about the surgical center, and the results! I had rads too.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    I'm in Toronto. I have heard good things about NOLA. All my expenses will be covered by our universal health care system They would not pay if i left the country for a procedure that is available here. The surgeons here are world class so I know I'll be in good hands. Also the hospital is close to home which will make things easier for my family - just a 15 minute drive away. Dragon, are you totally numb in the surgical areas?

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    Oh ok, then yeah probably better if you stay there. I'm numb in my stomach area some but it's hard to say how much from surgery and still numb from the lipo I had last month. The DIEP was awesome and the recovery really isn't that bad at all.

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    So I was talking to my good friend tonight. I told her how I was a little surprised that he made no effort to contact me today after the text and conversation we had last night. I also said it makes me frustrated and sad that he chose to end things, and to behave this way. She said the thinks it's actually that he is ubable to CHOOSE and make decisions. That he seems paralyzed by all that's going on around him, and is just hoping for the easy way out or that someone will just tell him to do this, this and this...And that after me being clear about how I felt last night, his complete lack of action directly speaks for his character.

    Again I saw a guy online tonight. I had sent him a brief message, he was nice enough to write me back. Funny though, he says he really doesn't think this is a good time for him. He's getting ready to take his ex back to court for more custody of his kids and has a lot going on. WTH are these "boys" doing on dating sites, really??? 

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    Hrf, for what it's worth, I don't think I've heard of any women who are unhappy with their DIEP's.   They all seem very happy with them.   I am glad you are looking into recon because I think it will help you feel better and maybe more confident.    I know that even as my foobs are starting to fill out (TE's), I feel a little prettier.

    DF, unfortunately, he has choosen.  He just has choosen her.   I'm confused by it, because he seemed totally into you - there were no signs.   It's very strange.  

    I think it's your age group which is why you are meeting all these men that have custody/ex issues.   By the time you hit my age, you just never see that, the kids are grown.   Don't worry, though...there are plenty of men who are more settled in life.   You just have to weed through the ones with troubles because the first place they are going to go is a dating site.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    Dragon, If he has chosen her or if he is thinking about her or even if he can't make a decision, that speaks volumes. Dating someone is about getting to know them and it can take years - in this case it took months. He is not the man you thought he was. That is very painful because you develop feelings, build trust, become intimate on many levels based on what a guy chooses to reveal. Then months and months later, it turns out he was pretending. It's very hard to understand and very painful. I always ask "why did he do this to me?". Thinking in extreme cases - why did Brad leave Jennifer for Angelina. Why did Arnold cheat on Maria? How could that slime ball John Edwards do what he did to Elizabeth - while she had BC? I mean there is no lack of examples of men who deceive, cheat etc. I'm not saying women are perfect but when was the last time you heard of a woman behaving this way?



    Fearless I know you are right - I would feel better if I had recon. I never wanted the bmx because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope and thAt all my fears and apprehensions would become true. I was forced into it - BRCA2+.

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    I guess I'm a black and white type of person, you're either in or you're out. So the mass confusion and drama makes no sense to me, as well as the lack of decision and clarity. I don't know, but his wife supposedly cheated on him multiple times, and is a regular bar fly. Who knew that's what he would settle for, and all this time I was being the opposite. Look where being the good classy girl will get ya !! :) ha ha

    You'll feel better HRF after the recon, believe me. I hated having nothing, for a year. I didn't really want to leave the house, couldn't ever wear anything I really wanted to and always felt as if everyone was staring at my lack of boobs. No boobs then made my stomach look larger of course. A couple times people asked me (strangers mind you) how far along I was :( So another reason why I loved the DIEP, I lost all the belly fat I had! :) I feel so much better, I can wear regular clothes, v neck shirts, halter tank tops or sundresses etc...Anyway, after the recon like I said you'll feel SO much better about your self I'm sure of it!

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    Some men love tramps, seriously.   Hrf  is right - having to "decide" speaks volumes.   When mine dumped me, he said he sees different women and just "can't decide".   Well, clearly, he decided, or he wouldn't have ended things with me.

    Hrf, I was terrified of having my BLMX - and I was fine afterward.   Pain the first two weeks, but there are good drugs for that.  And DIEP is far less pain involved from what I read.

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    Maybe saying he's confused, or men saying they can't decide is just them trying not to be the a-hole they really are? Iregardless.... I need and deserve a real man Wink

    The DIEP was so much less pain and recovery and everything compared to the blmx! I was surpirsed honestly. 

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    To be honest, I don't think he is an ******le.    I don't think my last guy was, either.   I wish I did.  It would have made it easier.    But he let you know - quite clearly - that he has chosen the tramp.    My guy let me know - very clearly - that it was over.   It took your guy a few days, but he still didn't drag it out for too long.  

    I really am sorry and I do believe they won't last and he will try to look you up again.   But the damage is done, and it would be a recipe for heartache to ever go back to him.  

    Honey, if I looked half as good as you, I'd be on every dating, site, lol!

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    Thanks so much :) I have a  few other reasons for thinking he's an a-hole it's not just that he's choosing to end things and maybe go back to her.  None of that really matters though. It would be total heartache for sure, once was more than enough!

  • Fearless_One
    Fearless_One Member Posts: 905
    edited July 2011

    Well, then you are probaby right - you know him better than we do, so if you think he is a butthole, he probably is!   Tongue out

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    I see a surgeon on Monday for a second opinion on DIEP. It would be nice to be able to just wear regular clothes again and not worry about these awful forms. DF, there are probably a lot of things this guy didn't tell you about his past - he might have done this type of thing to other women before you. clearly he deceived you about who he really is. The million dollar question - why do men behave this way? Do they even care that they cause such pain. The day after my surgery he calls to see how I am, tells me is going to come over - bring some dinner ... and then bingo - everything changed. I think there's a difference between getting over someone and getting over what they did.

  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 842
    edited July 2011

    Hrf .. Your last sentence is so very true.  I'm over my ex husband, but I'll never get over what he did to me.

    hugs to you,

    Bren

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    I think it's that, and that they're scared to move on. The past may have sucked but it was comfortable. Like this guy, takes a lot less effort to shut down and make no effort to move on!

  • kiley58
    kiley58 Member Posts: 60
    edited July 2011

    Yes Dragonfly it is easier to shut down than move on!  I know Ive done it for years, sadly.  hrf reconstruction is awesome!  The discomfort is so worth it!  Man on dating site sent me his email address and phone number, again.  He seem like nice man, but then my brain starts going into overdrive w things like what do I have to offer a man, stuff like that.  Im so used to being by myself now, but not really happy and certainly not moving on at this point!  Never thought i'd be sooo totally confused at this time in my life!  I was always so strong before BC now I am whoos.

  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 706
    edited July 2011

    Kiley, you are not alone in your feelings. I certainly feel the same. Dragon, it's too soon for you to move on. It's only been a few days. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are entitled to grieve. You'll feel differently in a few weeks. You never felt confident with this guy - maybe your intuition was telling you something

  • Dragonfly1976
    Dragonfly1976 Member Posts: 1,552
    edited July 2011

    ha ha ha ladies..... I'm sitting here tonight and the boy called!!!! He was super down sounding and tired. He was asking how my job search is going, what I've been up to etc... I had text him earlier to ask where he got the shade canopy we used when we went camping. Tonight he was asking me when I'm going camping and with who. Wth??? Seriously, that shocked me and I don't know what to do with that. So I was totally up beat and happy go lucky on the phone. He said tonight he had a meeting again with his son's counselor, and that he stayed for an hour afterwards and talked by himself with the counselor. I just said oh, well that's good. I didn't ask any questions, which I wonder if he expected me to? I figure if he wants to fill me in, he can make the effort and choice. He really didn't have much to say, so I told him I was marinating steaks because we were having a bbq tomorrow night ;) I just had to keep being HAPPY or at least give him the impression I am doing A OK and show how much he's walking away from.

    He had to go kind of suddenly because his boy was getting out of the tub, and said he'd call me back. My friend and I placed a friendly wager on if he will or not :)

    Funny, he just text too and said, so I see you have a new match.com account. Really??? He can question me on this?

  • kiley58
    kiley58 Member Posts: 60
    edited July 2011

    Ha Ha, what was he doing on match?  Just saying.....

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