Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Are you talking about the loser guy I was dating and only knowing his side? If so, after all I knew about him I was thinking he may be full of %#£*!!! I had a feeling lately, but these things just confirmed it. There are always 3 sides, his, hers and the truth. I'll never know and it's no longer my business, I'm just glad it isn't me involved with him.
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I agree. Sounds like bad news no matter what the truth was.
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I'm not saying it's not a betrayal. I'm saying that when people want to keep their family together, especially when there are children involved, and both partners are willing to work on their problems, there can definitely be forgiveness.There are other things that can be considered an "ultimate betrayal" .. for example, physical abuse .... if I have to use the word "ultimate" that would be it for me. There are also situations where one partner loses all the money - due to gambling, drugs, or criminal activity ... I can't put those in priority order although personally, the physical abuse for me would be #1 and totally unforgiveable. The rest, including cheating, are all equally betrayals. But I think until someone has walked in those shoes, one never really knows what one will do when confronted with the same situation. And in some situations - especially with cheating - who knows what has been going on or not behind closed doors. It's not so easy when it's your own life falling apart. That's all I'm saying.
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I don't know Hrf, they would all be dealbreakers for me, I think. Criminal activity, drugs, cheating, physical abuse.
They are all pretty high up there on the totem pole, IMO. I am not perfect, and I am not looking for perfect, but those things are pretty big.
Unlike you, I have no children, so I can't fairly offer an opinion on the "keeping the family together" thing. You are right - those are shoes I have not walked in.
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Hadley, I never do anything last minute. Make them plan ahead. You deserve someone who will make plans to see you.
I have three dates set up - Lawd, and I just joined last Thursday. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday - Mike, Nick, and Chris. Whew! Hope I don't get them confused!
DF, you totally dodged a bullet.
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I feel so much better in knowing that I did "dodge a bullet"... I just get more irritated the more i think about it so I need to just keep appreciating that someone was watching out for me
As for my past, my ex husband. We were married almost 10 years. The last 3-4 years were no fun at all, not for me. He reverted back to being 21, he made friends with a younger group of guys who were single and party animals, into strip clubs etc... He started going out at night, I couldn't find him, not coming home, blowing ALL the money in our checking account. He worked swing shift, so he was to be home during the day with our daughter. It interferred on occasion with me being able to go to work. I tried, pleaded, gave him chance after chance, threw him out several times, and it just didn't matter to him. He was a major compulsive liar, and even lied because I finally got him to agree to counseling and said he went a couple times but never did. To me, at that point it's not a marriage, or a family and there is nothing else I could of done. I see no sense in staying miserable and setting a bad example for my daughter that she should just be a door mat and put up with crap like that from a "man". What works for me by being single and choosing to end the marriage may not work for everyone else. I am sure he cheated, but no proof really. I dont know if I could forgive something like that, trust is so hard for me already! 0 -
sweetbean - what site did you join?
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I was married for almost 15 years and with him for 2 years before that. He was emotionally abusive - I kept making excuses for his behaviour and did everything I could to make things better. I asked for couples counselling - he refused. It took me a long time to understand what he was doing to me and one day I had enough and it was over. When he realized that I was done, he agreed to counselling - but it was too little too late - got to a point where there was no more forgiveness and I was not going to be a doormat any longer. Also wanted my kids to grow up in a healthier environment. It was done and nothing was going to fix it. He might have cheated - I don't know and don't care. It was the emotional abuse that ended it for me.
Fearless, all those things are right up there - but many couples still stay together although I'm sure it's painful and difficult - hopefully they eventually find forgiveness and repair the relationship if they choose to stay together. Look at Hillary Clinton. She's not the only one who has stayed.
I'm not saying I would stay -- or wouldn't. Even good people make mistakes. I hope I never have to experience any of these issues -- I figure I've had more than enough for 1 lifetime.
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Sweet Bean - good for you....Have fun and report back. Slow week for me. Date #2 with the firefighter Thursday. Open Friday and going to meet a POI (person of interest - my financial advisor calls him that) on Saturday, but its not a date.
karyn
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DF and Hrf, I think you are strong ladies for leaving those bad situations. And wonderful mothers for making sure your kids did not stay in such an environment.
Sweetbean, you must be really hot, lol! I really think on-line dating is for the most attractive people. It doesn't matter what a profile says. The guys are just going to scroll and stop and the pics they find attractive.
I did on-line dating and it didn't really work for me - I think I am maybe a little below average in the looks dept. It is also harder when you are older and should never be ones' sole source of meeting people - just one option.
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Fearless, you say you want to meet someone and get married. You've told us that the online stuff doesn't work for you. So, what plan do you have now to meet available men?
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I don't have a plan, HRf. My plan now is to just finish recon and work on looking and feeling better, then maybe I will start to go out more. I do not wish to date while I feel like I feel (PS screwed up my nipples).
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Do you plan on showing them the nipples on the first date?
Just kidding, I know what you mean... Mine turned out bad too, good thing no one sees them! I would rather meet someone in person at random, like at the store or an outing etc... It just doesn't happen that often it seems anymore. Plus I'd have to go out too. I have my daughter 100%, maybe she goes to her Dads on a weekend or 2 at most a month but then I usually am running errands and catching up. 0 -
Fearless, since you have a goal of getting married, then you need 2 plans. (A) what are you going to do to feel better about yourself. Wishing isn't going to make it happen. And even though it was meant as a joke, no one is going to see your nipples on the first date (B) a plan for meeting men can be developed while you are working on feeling better. As DF noted, you just don't meet men at a grocery store - you need a plan.
Have you thought of working with a life coach to develop a plan for either of those or both?
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I can't afford a "life coach", but I agree with you that I need a plan. But I want my nipples fixed first. I don't feel attractive, and sex is a natural part of a relationship (at some point). I wish I knew the answer - I don't know where to meet men. I never get hit on when going about my everyday life, like Starbucks or the grocery store.
Any suggestions, I am all ears! And nipples, too, lol!
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Maybe others who read this thread can join in .... where can one meet men that is not online dating?
I'll try to get it started -- take a course - for interest - at a community centre or a local college - that's 1 suggestion
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My problem is I work full-time and only have energy to do stuff on the weekends. I'm beat when I come home. I eat, shower, exchange a few posts here, return my emails and go to bed, lol!
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After I got Div, my therapist recommended what HRF said - take a course....She also helped me with starting and holding conversations - Also, don't wait to get hit on, sometimes you have to be the one to say something. I left my mumber for a waiter at a restruant on the bill - he didn't call but I lost nothing by trying...
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I know your not happy with the nipples - but at least you have them. I only have one - but I'm getting tattooed FRIDAY!!! It's my way of making myself feel "whole", I've been with a few guys and no one seems to care about that - I also do things for myself - massages, pedicures... For those of you who may have financial difficulties - there are schools which offer free massages done by students, places you can hae your hair done cheaply etc....
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Ohhh....those are things I do love - pamper services. It takes so little but makes us feel so much better. I will try the beauty school students because I sure can't afford a spa - but sometimes it makes me feel pretty just to color my hair or paint my nails. Little things can help a lot.
Good luck Friday! I am sure you will look beautiful.
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OK, first date down. So nice, so cute, so successful and...so gay. Dear Lord. If he said the word "fabulous," one more time, I was going to suggest we go get manicures. So nice, though - it was so fun to hang out. Just like hanging out with my gay friends!
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sweatbean - there alway shas to be a first. My first date after BC and div was a nightmare but it showed me I could do it again after 16 years of being with the same man.
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I once had a guy email me within 20 minutes of our leaving the coffee shop to tell me there was no chemistry. So, needless to say, I did not respond. He kept trying to reach me after that, which I found odd. I never answered his IM's or read any of his emails after that. I figure he must have thought he hurt my feelings or whatever, but that's just dating - I wasn't phased.
Sweetbean, that is too funny.....
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You know, whenever I have done online dating, the first date is always a disaster in some way. This was easily the best first date disaster, because at least the guy was fun. He wants to go out again. Yikes!
I see Nick tonight. Here's hoping...:)
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Someone else mentioned meet-up groups. Just google meet up groups and your city. It should come up with lots of different groups and activities. I belonged to one for wine tasting. We went to wineries and wine tastings. I didn't meet any guys, but as usual, more women than men. Still had a good time; much better than sitting at home being lonely wishing. Might not work for you in smaller towns not near a metropolitan area, though.
I'm interested in tips on starting and holding a conversation. I'm pretty quiet at first so ideas would be helpful.
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I'm also quiet at first. Asking the guy questions is often a good start - not like an interview though - just showing interest gets conversation going. Also keeping the first date short is less stressful - so just coffee or a drink to find a comfort level. I like the idea of the meet up groups.
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I like the idea of meet-up groups, too. I also agree with H that the first meet should be short and sweet. I would never do dinner for a first meet - but that's me.0
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While I usually (like 90%) do just a short first date - I don't say NEVER -- I don't believe that having rigid rules works. There are always exceptions in my opinion.
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Why would you NEVER do dinner? I've done dinner many times, also just met for drinks, doesn't really matter to me.
Just had a guy message me, seemed ok on his profile. Then I get to the part that says "The older I get I really enjoy making out" Seriously?? I responded to his message and say did you really just put that on your profile? Lmao....0 -
Tonight's date was much better - the guy was definitely straight, for starters. And he wants to go out again, too. (He was pretty hot, too - totally ripped!) I would definitely go out with him again. The guy tomorrow - not too sure about him. We will see...
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