Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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I definitely prefer to talk on the phone or email a few times before meeting. So many of them I've weeded out that way.
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When I started online dating, I insisted on a phone conversation or 2 before I would agree to meet. However, I did get to a point where I didn't insist on the phone conversation first and would meet following some emails back and forth. Usually just met for a coffee instead of turning it into a long date. But if there was a phone conversation and it went well, I'd be willing to do dinner if he asked. Sometimes too much email and phone calls allowed me to create a fantasy person and when I'd meet in person, there would be a big let down. So ultimately, I did get to a point where I preferred to meet relatively quickly following 1 phone conversation if that seemed to go well.
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That sounds like a good idea HRF!
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Same for me hrf.
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I wouldn't even consider meeting a man I had not had one or two phone conversations with first. There is no right or wrong, but for me, that is my comfort level. It's not enough for me to build up a fantasy, but is enough for me to find out a bit about them.
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From my experiences (and I won't say limited because I dated a lot - met lots of nice people too) ..... the only way to get to know someone is to meet. Period!!! In the prehistoric days when I went to university, every day I would meet guys and then a guy would call and he'd ask me out. The online stuff is a little different in that you usually meet on line first and then go out (either with or without a phone call). While we are all wonderful women, no one should be thinking of themselves as a trophy - I mean that for everyone men and women. We are just people who would like to meet a significant other. When barriers are put up or seem to be put up, the other person will take a hike. I can tell you that if I had to run an obstacle course before someone met me, I'd tell them to go away. I mean find out the significant issues about a person - are they truly single, do they want to meet and not just have sex right away, are they employed or not looking for money -- get my drift? I find phone conversations with someone I don't know to be awkward. I don' always know what to say. So I keep those short - meet the guy for coffee at Starbucks on a Sunday afternoon. If the conversation goes well and his physical appearance doesn't scare me - then we can go for a real date if we are both interested. Anyway that's just my opinion. There was one man I met - a very successful professional and I knew of him from others - he told me that he had "met" a woman from the U.K. on line, They fell in love - did emails, exchanged pictures - spoke on the phone all the time (this was 10 yrs ago - before SKYPE) ... maybe did video msn (don't know) ...anyway over weeks they fell in love and both were positive this was IT. He went to the U.K. and when they met - he fell "out of love" - no chemistry in person. She was still in love. It became difficult and lots of hurt all along. So the fantasty works both ways - just meet the guy for a coffee the old fashioned way and see if you want to continue. I hardly think spending 1 hour on a Sunday afternoon meeting someone is going to ruin anyone's life. I hope I don't offend anyone here. Just sharing my opinion.
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I agree. I usually meet for coffee or a drink after a phone conversation, if they sound "normal" and don't have any of the issues you have mentioned. We'll see if there's anything there when we meet in person and, if so, go from there. Sometimes that's it and time to move on. Sometimes I'm not what they are looking for and vice versa.
I'm a little nervous about tonight but am just going to try and relax and have a good time. Bonus...I'm going to the bookstore early and pick up The Gingerbread Man for my granddaughter.
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My filter is much better now than in the beginning. I had a date last night with Jeff, we got introduced by friends. Very nice and we plan to go out again. Funny thing was that he took me to the same place I had been the night before with Ed. Same bartender too... When Jeff went to the restroom, I asked her if he was "better" than the guy I was with the night before. She laughed and said yes. I told her I will not be back tonight...
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Well all...had a nice time tonight with David. He actually seems nice and normal. Still early to tell for sure, however. Had a drink and dinner too and walked around a little. He has no kids and has been divorced for 25 years - me, only 22 years! We both worked in HR so have a bit in common in addition to golf. We'll see. Don't give up hope, girls, there are some decent guys out there. Sure have to go through a lot, though, and I'm getting pretty tired of working it.
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Twoputter, sounds promising....
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Just signed up for Match. Some really cute guys have e-mailed me! However, I still have TE's in - surgery will be in about a month. We'll see how that plays out. I'm not planning on telling them -if it comes to that, I'll just say I'm having a hernia surgery or something, so they understand why I drop off the face of the earth for a week.
I'm a fan of a few e-mails and then coffee/drinks. I try to avoid the phone conversation because I think it is awkward. I'd much rather just get together and see if there is chemistry.
I'll keep you posted!
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Sweetbean, good luck in your search. I agree - just get together and see if there is chemistry
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Merry Christmas to you all! Hoping you can mostly forget your worries tomorrow and know that you have friends here who care about you!
Connie
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Connie! Sounds like you had a nice date!!!
sweetbean GOOD LUCK!!!
Merry Christmas to all of you and enjoy your time with family and friends, and try to have ONE DAY that we dont' have to think or worry about that damn word......cancer!May each of you be blessed to the upmost!!!!!
Love and hugs!
Paula0 -
I was divorced in 2005. Diagnosed with DCIS in my righty in 2006. I met my partner at speed-dating November 2010 He immediately hooked me with a joke! (The only one who joked out of 15) We moved in together 3rd May 2011 and are very happy.. He still desires me, even though I've just had my lefty chopped up too.(IDC) After internet dating and failures, my advice is to 'Meet as soon as possible'. You can't see the gleam in a person's eyes from a photo, a phone conversation is annoying and awkward, though you can tell if you like their voice, you can't see if their teeth are good! (Ignore photos where the guy doesn't smile with his teeth!), and you can't know how they SMELL! I met up with 7 of the 10 men who wanted to meet me again. And only really liked the man I'm with now. and even though he had teeth missing, he admited to being in a process of removing them for replacements. He smiles widely now. Make yourself a list of what you really have to have in a man. The one who ticks most boxes is the one! lol Good luck!
P.S. When I realised I had a lump he told me "My name is Peter and I am your rock". How cool is that!
And Merry Christmas and wishes for a Happy and HEALTHY New Year!
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Sex is overrated. Plus I got through this once w/ my family who did nothing to help me. I still had to be the sole caretaker. Going through it alone would be a dream at this point. I'm secretly planning to pack a suitcase and my 2 cats and split. Finances are my only concern at this point.
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Lizcarolan, I am sorry that your family didn't help you, mine didn't either. I took myself to chemo and rads. I have cats, too. They are my solice. I hear ya on the finances. People that say money doesn't matter must have money. Money buys freedom from negative situations.
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Karyn...anxious to hear about other date(s).
Lizcarolan...sorry about your situation.
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Avensis - I'm with you on meeting... but understand how other woman are skeptical.
So I had a few other dates last week. Ed was Wednesday.... No chemistry. He texted me and I was busy so finally Friday I figured I let him know. I sent him a nice text saying he was "nice but just not for me", Then he calls and emails me. Says he deserves a better explanation, I didnt reply. Later that day I went to CVS to get some tissue paper for wrapping and he was in the check out line.... After he checked out he came and found me. Asked me "what happened" and I replied "I just didn't feel it", I could have rattled off a list but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was the one living in his exes basement....
thursday I met Jeff a firefighter, good friends introduced us. Good conversation. We are going to go out again. Friday Lunch was Mike, Smart, good job but I don't think we have enough in common. Friday night I met Steve (another set up) and I was going to cancel but he convinced me that we wouldn't call it a date and at the least we can be friends. He was funny and cute - we will go out again but he lives an hour away....
Thanks the summary. I'm not the type to "date around" and after date 2 I'll see who I have the most chemistry with and go from there.
Any other dates...
Karyn
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Wow, I can't believe he demanded a "better explanation" - as if "you are not the one for me" doesn't clear things up? Some of these guys are gluttons for punishment - although, I have known women who are the same way. I've been the same way when I liked someone. But now I know better.0
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I would highly recommend the following: http://www.emotionalabuserecoverynow.com/
I am studying Annie Kaszina's material now and it is awesome. Lots of great relationship tips, particularly for how to start out building a good relationship from the first date. Very eye opening for me. I purchased and downloaded her '7 Secrets for Successful Relationships' despite the cost after I read a number of her articles and blogs.
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So you ladies remember the whack job I met online and was dating for a few months? He's from around here and of course told me how crazy his ex is blah blah... Well I met this guy on match recently, and we were emailing back and forth on Facebook just now. I take a peek at his friends list and see the name of some girl that I swear is the "crazy ex wife" of the guy I was dating. What are the odds? So I ask him of she is from around here and tell him I met a strange guy in match and his ex has the same name as one of his friends. Told him a few more details, he confirmed that yes it's her, and that she does have a crazy ex, with a restraining order and a stalking order, also that he was verbally and physically abusive to her!! Wow that is so sad
I am so glad I escaped that loser, and I'm sure because I have a back bone he knew he wouldn't be able to pull that stuff on me. Hope this story makes sense, up at 2:30am to take the puppy out and had to share 
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And your sure The Boy is the ex of whom he referred and not another guy? Anyways, you said he used to do drugs, so it wouldn't surprise me if he had been abusive to her during that time. If it was him, you should thank God you didn't end up with him! And yeah....he would know there is no way on Earth he could've gotten away with that with you.
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Yeah he said they do have 2 boys together and a few other things. Plus I know her maiden name and that's what is on her profile hyphenated with the guy I was dating last name. It's just crazy, small town stuff! I'm sure glad it never worked out with him. He had told me about the stalking thing but told me a story that made it look like she was again the crazy one. It didn't make sense to me though, I wouldn't think a judge would process a restraining and stalking order on what he was telling me at all. I could totally see the verbal or mental abuse side of him and yeah drinking and drugs make ya do awful stuff. He still drank a fair amount when we were together.
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DF, you really dodged a bullet with that guy. New puppy is like a new baby -- gotta be up at all hours of the night.
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The fact that he stayed with her after she cheated twice I think it was? That shows he is unhealthy and probably would not even be compatible with an emotionally healthy woman.
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Seems a little pushy to me, but that's just me. Guys like that give me red flags for some reason.
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IMHO, there are situations where a spouse cheats - once, twice or even more but the couple work through the issues and fix the marriage and no more cheating occurs. People are capable of a great deal of forgiveness in many situations especially when children are involved. That doesn't make them unhealthy. I don't know about the woman in question here, but there is no evidence that she cheated - that is the story he gave and it turns out he has made up a story or two. Sounds like he is an abusive man and that has nothing to do with the women he hooks up with - he will behave that way with anyone.
I'm also not sure how to define "an emotionally healthy woman" - we all have issues. Some are diagnosed. Some are not. Unfortunately, people and relationships are just not black/white. I also recognize that everyone has their own limit and has to work within their own comfort zone. What one person can live with - another can't. And that's ok too
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I wouldn't go so far as to block him, but "wanna hang out" wouldn't fly with me unless I had already been seeing them and gone out a few times.
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Hrf, I think if you stay with someone who cheated twice, that is unhealthy. I also disagree with "working things out" after someone cheats. To me, that is the ultimate betrayal, and if you accept that, you will accept anything. It is unacceptable behavior, like physical abuse. God knows I am no expert, but those are my views regarding such things.
You are correct in that we only know his side, though.
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