Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Sweetbean, glad your date tonight went well. Have you ever had it happen where a guy says he wants to go out again but you don't ever hear from him?
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To each her own. No, I would never do dinner on first meet. I would find it incredibly awkward. To me, the first meet is just that - a meet.
Sweetbean, I hope his being "ripped" and straight was not your only criteria for seeing him again.
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Fearless, you are the one who started this thread.
Tell us what you would consider suitable criteria for seeing a man a second time.
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So no dinner on the 1st date, how much do you really hope to gain from even meeting them other than seeing if you like what you "see" I mean a 30 minute chat over a drink or cup of coffee isn't going to tell you crap.
Sweeetbean you crack me up that he's ripped comment!!! I'm curious again, maybe I missed it but the other date the guy was gay. Where did you meet him, was he really gay or was it just a fabulous dinner? I'm so lost
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For me, the guy has to be able to carry on a conversation like a normal person. No red flags and some common backgrounds or interests. His English has to be pretty tood too; I've met several guys who can't seem to talk correctly or eat with good manners. Bad eating manners have always grossed me out as well as poor English. It's great if they can make me laugh. And they must be close to their family, kids, grandkids, etc. It seems like the guys I like don't care for me. Maybe I'm shooting above my range. Anyway, I know when I want to have a second meeting/date or not. And I've had guys say "let's do this again" and I never hear from them. I guess they must feel awkward not saying anything about meeting again and are trying to be kind.
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Basically, if the conversation is good, then the guy gets a second date, even if there is no chemistry on the first date. On both dates, the conversation was good, so if they ask me out again, I will go. I'm really pretty certain that the first guy is gay, though. (He was really pretty swishy.) The second guy was very nice and much more masculine.
Hrf, it happened to me once, years ago, but I knew the guy was being insincere. I didn't want to see him again, either, so I was confused when he said he would call. But otherwise, they generally get in touch. I may send last night's date a thank you e-mail. Here's the premise - it should be short, just say thank you, with no questions (not trying to start a conversation), and definitely no "let me know if you want to get together again." Just a simple, "thank you so much for last night - i really enjoyed our conversation and the restaurant was great - excellent choice." something like that. (I like to complement their choice of restaurant, if possible. Guys love that.)
If I want to see the guy again, I send a short thank you e-mail and I ALWAYS get a second date. ALWAYS. But it is important to keep it close-ended and short. You don't want to give them the impression that you are trying to strike up a conversation or ask them out. You just want to give them the impression that you are polite. Which you are.
They generally think it is really sweet. If I don't care to see them again, I don't send the e-mail - I just make sure that I say thank you at the end of the evening. (By the way, the thank you e-mail is as far as I will go to indicate interest in a guy - I do not text, call, or ask guys out.)I'm on Match.com, but I have heard good things about plentyoffish.
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Oh, and his being ripped wouldn't have helped him if the conversation was lame, but it certainly is an attractive quality.
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Twoputter - I am with you on the criteria. Seems hard to find.
I have been reading but not commenting much. I feel my body is half complete, my soul is broken. I miss my old BF for some inexplicable reason and I am home recovering from surgery and the holiday season. I would like to get out there but am not in a position of trusting yet. I need to become stronger but that seems elusive. Perhaps when the holidays are over and I am able to get back to work. Yet I fear the stress of my job.
Sorry to be a downer. I just am feeling that I need to bring a healthy whole person into a new relationship. I took too much unresolved baggage into my last one and that caused problems.
For all you that are ready - go for it. I am watching from the sidelines.
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sweetbean, I like the thank you email - very gracious. Twoputter - agree with you - seems like good conversation is important. Being ripped doesn't hurt but it's not the deal maker. Mybee, I'm in the same place as you but I recognize my issues. I'll go one step at a time. But I do spend a lot of time with friends doing different things so I'm not sitting at home all alone - all the time - just some of the time. I think self awareness is an important part of this journey. So don't feel alone. I am also watching from the sidelines. I also agree with Dragon that in a first meeting, especially if it is just a coffee, you don't learn much about a person - but if the conversation is easy and the man is not unpleasant to look at - that's a good start. I remember one man talked about what a pain it was to visit his mother because she was about a 20 minute drive away -- I crossed him off my list because of that.
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Mybee, so sorry you are feeling that way. You too HRF! Take things slow and at your own comfort level. You have to be ready and relaxed and happy with yourself. In time you will heal! XO
On the flip side try not to sit there at home and hide behind a computer making excuses for not dating! It's not so scary out there! I know it takes a lot of nerve to put yourself out there!
HRF, that is why I would rather talk on the phone with someone before meeting. All those little quirks can help eliminate some guys. If their English isn't good or they can't hold a conversation!0 -
I always try to avoid the phone conversation, because they ask me out anyway and I never have the guts to say no. So I'd rather just meet and do it all in one fell swoop. Got a date at 4pmEST. Not super hopeful about this guy.
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You would rather go out and have a date with someone and it be miserable than eliminate some of them with a brief phone call?
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I guess each of us has our own approach to dating. Just from experience I found that the phone conversation was awkward and usually short anyway - but I get it - I can do either with or without the phone.
Dragon, you are 100% correct about not hiding behind the computer. So tomorrow my sister and I are going to Florida for a week - some nice warm weather. My sister is really into exercise and healthy foods so I will follow her example. When I return I am starting 2 new things - that I have already signed up for and committed to. The first is therapeutic yoga which will happen every Monday morning. The second is an exercise program being run by the cancer centre - start off 2 x week (Tues & Thur) for 1 hour for 10 weeks. And then once a week for 20 weeks - so actually more than 6 months in total. So I do have a little plan - not jumping into the deep end yet but hopefully these will help me feel better. Not dating - but doing good things for myself.
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That is for sure! I guess for me, I dont have a lot of "me" time. I'd rather not waste it going on a date with someone that can't hold on a conversation. I'd rather spend a few minutes on the phone before hand and committing to a date to weed out some duds. By no means am I saying that is a dead set rule but just a preference is all.
HRF that is so awesome0 -
I don't know, I feel like phone conversations use up a lot of good first date conversation. Plus, they are always a bit stilted, because you are talking to someone you don't know. And you could have an awesome phone conversation, but then meet and not be attracted to them at all. So I guess I would rather meet for 45 minutes and get the lay of the land. (heh.) But that's just me.
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Whatever works right?? The last 2 dates I went on, no phone call before hand. 1 would of devil finitely been eliminated and I'd probably of hung up on him
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Hello all. I've been catching up on the last several pages since I had looked in last. I too have pretty much given up on dating sites. I always seemed to attract those I was not interested in, would get winks from some interesting ones but then when I replyed with a "thanks for the wink" I never heard from them. So....whatever. I pretty much had a change in attitude in early October when I was able to participate in a breast cancer awareness project where I was flown out to North Carolina and pampered for a couple of days with makeup, hair stylist, full photo shoot and a video. I came back feeling on top of the world and it showed. Shortly after that, a man that I had noticed at work started becoming a little more flirty and eventually asked me out. We are both pretty busy people and so at first we just did a few lunch dates and then what we called "car dates" where we would just sit in his car at lunch for 30 minutes or so and just talk about anything and everything. It was one of those car dates where I told him about BC and my BMX....I was so scared to have that conversation but I knew I needed to have it sometime. His response was absolutely amazing, kind and sincere. We finally went on a real evening date on 12/16 and it has gotten even better since then. I recently spoke with him about a new reconstruction procedure I was considering and again his response was incredible...supportive, etc.
I am really falling for this guy and I keep having to put myself in check. It is all so new and wonderful and then I tend to go overboard so I have to mentally slow myself down, back off a bit and let things go as they will (this is so hard for me and I don't want to blow it!). I hope that things keep going as they are and getting better and better.
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Julianna, I hope it continues to go well. Keep us posted.
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That's wonderful. I am so happy for you!
hrf - sounds like a great plan. i chose a cancer center that is about an hour and a half away (U of M). While I guess the surgery was effective, I am wondering sometimes.........where's the support? I thought there was stuff, like you are talking about for people with breast cancer. With three kids I really don't have money to spend on yoga or an exercise class. I use to exercise religiously but don't anymore. With each of my 4 surgeries (since May!) they have told me walking only. The last one they said - no arm swinging! I contacted a local hospital but they said everything they offered was for their own patients. Anybody have any suggestions on accessing resources?
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I think Molly if you got a script for P.T. from your doctors from U of M, for physical tx., lymph massage etc. your local hospital would have to honor that. I got scripts for all of the above soon after my reconstruction. At least get you into the local hospital system for assistance. Swim tx After I healed really brought back alot of strength. Then I slowly progressed to other forms of exercise. At first I think guidance with P.T. was important so I could do these things safely as to not injure myself. At U of M, do they have a nurse navigator or educator? They may be able to assist with getting you into assistance at your local hospital. Do you have a Dr. you see locally, or nurse practicioner, They could get you into your local hospital for assistance programs, Local ACS could also give you some suggestions I think. I do hope you feel better Molly, so sorry your going thru this difficult time. Hugs Kiley
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Molly, sorry you are not getting the support you need. In Ontario there are places called Wellspring and they offer a huge amount of support to cancer patients - before, during and after support. It's all free of charge. There are yoga classes every day, nutrition programs, helping people to get back to work, ..... you name it and it's there. Things like reiki and therapeutic touch as well as support groups of every kind to meet the needs of different types of cancer patients. This is an advantage of living in a major centre. The Wellspring I go to is on the the grounds of the hospital and the cancer centre which is all just a 12 minute drive for me. So I am working at taking advantage of what they offer. Try out Kiley's suggestion about getting a script from your doc and see what can be done. To take advantage of all these things and to have to pay would be a deterrent for most of us.
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Hrf, why are you getting so defensive? It seems like every comment I make lately, you jump on. It was just an innocent comment - I did not profess to be an expert in matters of dating criteria. My opinions are as valid as anyone else's here.
And DF, yes, a meet is just a meet - and you can learn more than "crap" from a first meeting wiht someone.
I am done here - have a good and safe New Years, ladies...
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Hi ladies, I have not posted here in a while, but I have been lurking and reading. I am on a dating sabbatical right now. The past several months my focus has been on job hunting. I am so happy that I will be starting a new job on Jan 3rd!!! My next focus will be getting comfortable in the new job and then moving. After I get moved and settled, I will be jumping back into the dating game.
hrf, where in FL are you and your sister going?
Molly, Do you have a YMCA near where you live? The "Live Strong" program is a free 12 week program offered at some Y's for cancer (any type) patients/survivors. I am going to let the "New Years Resolution" business fall off and then I am going to sign up to participate. Check out the link below...maybe it is something that would work for you.
http://www.livestrong.org/What-We-Do/Our-Actions/Programs-Partnerships/LIVESTRONG-at-the-YMCA
I wish each of you a Very Happy New Year!
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Third date down. Hmmm....
He swore. A LOT. And you figure, this is our first date, so he is on his best behavior. And "athletic and toned" is not how I would describe him. Men. They think they are so hot, even with a gut. Why are we so hard on ourselves?
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Seems like everyone had thoughts on what should happen prior and during a first date. What works for one may not be right for someone else. I wish everyone a fun, and safe holiday weekend. good luck with your dating adventures.
Our dating styles may be different but our goal is the same...
Had date 2 with Jeff the firefighter last night. I made him dinner and we soaked in my hot tub. We were set up by friends so I didn't mind having him to my place. I normally wouldn't have a guy here until I know them well.
Karyn
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I think we're all pretty aware that what works for me will not work for others. However it's good I think to bounce ideas off of each other. Obviously what we've all been doing isn't working so well
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Seriously. I'm no genius when it comes to dating, for sure. The forced hiatus (courtesy of cancer) has made me really think about my dating patterns. Some stuff I do works (can ALWAYS get to a second date). Other stuff I do doesn't (can't seem to get to a committed relationship.) I like the bouncing ideas off each other part of this thread. It's a good group of ladies.
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We will be in Boca Raton. We are renting my friend's time share condo that she can't use this week. This is the first time my sister and I are going away together. Her husband isn't interested and her 2 daughters made other plans.
FL, best wishes on your new job - very exciting.
Fearless, sorry you are not feeling supported. But as you said, we are sharing ideas with each other. I'm not defensive, I was just asking a question.
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Karyn, that sounds like a nice date ! Wishing you and every one of you a wonderful New Year ! Hrf, Florida ! Awesome start for New Year and good plan for exercise program, since it is getting so cold here I need to look into YMCA programs, Thank you FL warrior for bringing that Up ! I'm getting cabin fever here ! Did get over to the coast last weekend and loved the sun and ocean if even for a brief time. Going thru this breast cancer stuff alone is really hard and I think the world of all you ladies ! All of you take Care, Kiley
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Fearless, why did you delete your post? How will people know what we are talking about?
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