Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?
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Exactly!!!! We think a lot alike
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Everyone is different. I usually tell them when the conversation allows but that's me. Most time it is the second or third date....I'm 3 years out and very comfortable in my skin. I say that BC is someting i "had" and don't "have".
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I'm comfortable with me too and am 3 years out in March. I think like Sweetbean said its not their business at first. I don't tell everyone I meet, I'm a very private person. Only 2 people at my work know, and only because they were giving me a hard time about not getting annuals and mammograms etc... You just have to do what you feel best with, it may be different with some guys too.
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It's so recent for me, so it feels super personal. My exchange is next week and I'm on Herceptin until June, for example. So I think I will wait until the guy asks me to be exclusive, then I will tell him and see if he still wants to be exclusive. I think. Hard to say beforehand, though.
Saturday morning coffee set up. This guy is a wine accounts manager and I don't drink. Ever. No way this works out, but he seems nice enough.
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Mammo came back "probably benign". Wish it were better, but that's okay I guess.
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Two putter - I know how it feels - first mammo ever was BC, next mammo on good side was suspicious and i needed a biopsy - It was fine but makes us on edge. Last mammo of good side was all clear...
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I also don't think there is a need to tell on the first date......would wait for an appropriate time. But for those of us who have had more extensive surgeries .... telling is a different story!!!!
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I didn't have cancer, just an extensive high risk, too long to explain in a casual first date convo. The reality of my mom being stage IV with Mets to bone and brain is even hard to explain. My mom is my best friend. I don't want anyone knowing that until I'm ready to expose my weakness. I will tell them when I feel we are becoming friends not just some man off the street (or website)
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That's how I feel about my history, it's a personal and private matter.
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Hey ladies! It's been awhile, I looked and it was Christmas day last time I posted.Had problems with my computer!!
Well, update on the guy ordeal........I was ready to give up, the guy I was seeing was a jerk and I was sooooooooo tired of the bullcrapoli with it all...... I had my profile on pof and was going to delete it again, I had once and then thought and put it up again......well I thought one more time.....just look......Christmas day I just posted a note "nice bike" on a guys message......he has a gorgeous one........ and that was it. A day later, I got a reply......"What a beautiful face to wake up to"...... and we didnt' exchange any more notes.......one night a few weeks ago I just sent him a note and asked if he was feeling better (cause in the first one he said he had been sick)........well that started the conversations....... I've went out with him, and we talk nightly!!!! He is so awesome and things are going so great!!!!! AND he hasn't been pushy about sex or anything else......he is just a laid back sweetheart with such awesome morals!!!!!!!! I am so glad I gave it that one last shot
Will keep ya posted
Paula M0 -
Paula - Thats great to hear.
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After hearing your rationale(s) for not telling, especially the one about telling some stranger off the internet, I think I'll wait from now on to spill until it appears the relationship may be going somewhere. Sometimes perhaps the guy may be going out with me for pity reasons. Since I'm Stage 4, I think I've been moving into this dating thing a little too urgently.
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Rakulynda,
May I be so bold as to say, you should always do what you want. Your dx shouldn't make you feel like you have to do anything other than be you, especially in the dating world. The dating should be about them auditioning to be with you, not the other way around. There's no need for pity dates. BC is a part of who you are, not your entire being. You are still a wonderful woman with many talents and any man would be lucky to have you. I may not have real boobs, but that doesn't define me so it doesn't need to be in the topic of conversation until I want him to see them, which would then lead me to want to share with him why they aren't real.... That's how I'm going to tell any potential beau about my life.
Not sure if that makes sense. I don't mean to sound rude?!
Kori
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Go Paula!!! xo
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Hey Kori,
Thank you. I didn't take your post to be rude at all. It helps to have an objective opinion from an anonomous (sp?) source who can REALLY relate to the bc thing. You are so right - my bc doesn't define who I am, it's just another facet of me. Anyway, the one great guy I had seen a couple of times and who I didn't expect to hear from again (he was off travelling for a few weeks), called last night and asked me out. I'll keep you all updated....
Lynda
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Hi Ladies
Glad to read some of you are meeting nice guys. As for me, I am going to have to hide out for the next couple of Saturday nights. The guy I mentioned in a previous post really is persistent. I did go out with him again: He apologized for being rude, but I found him to be controlling and bossy.He also pointed out that he can drink coffee and doesn't have to have alcohol. I thought this was a strange comment since I never gave alcohol a second thought. That comment makes me think I should!.
I have tried to tell him that I am not interested in him, but he then tells me that I am not giving him a chance. and he "could help" me "financially" What????
He keeps talking about "chemistry" and he feels this with me. I ask him if he meant lust and he said "no" he means things in common!!!!! I thought chemistry meant attraction or lust. If I am right then I don't feel a thing
I just know if I go to that dance he will be there looking for me.He even finds my car and parks next to me. I want to dance but there are not any single dances close to me.
Sorry to go on and on
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Ooh, paintedlady, I am so sorry. That guy sounds super lame. Ugh!
Well, I have two dates set up for this weekend. I was hoping that N. would ask me out for a second date, but his last e-mail said, "Give me a buzz when you're back in town." Ummmm...yeah. Not so much. Don't think I'm going to set the precedent where I call him. Hmmmph. He'll call or text, eventually. And then I thought J. would ask me on a first date when I got back into town, but his last e-mail said that he wanted to move this to the phone and I should feel free to text him this weekend. Again, not happening. Don't have time to be texting guys I haven't met. Blech. If he wants to contact me, he can, but I'd prefer to just get together for coffee. I'm supposed to meet C for coffee, I think on Monday. Other guys who have been e-mailing me for weeks, but haven't asked me out -M., and D. I think that's the whole list. I'll keep you posted....
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Rakulynda, congratulations!!! Have fun, enough for both of us.
Paintedlady, I am sorry you have to hide out but that guy sounds weird. I hate to judge someone I don't know but that just seems really weird..0 -
Sweetbean You seem like you get alot of guys interested in you. That is great.
This is going to be a boring couple of weeks: There is no where else I know to go to dance. I really like to dance. I just have to shake this guy. I hope that he meets someone else real soon.
Klynnz he is moving to fast. He wants a relationship. I don't at least not with him. He seems like a control freak plus he has other things I don't care for.
The funny thing is he mentioned to me several times that he is picky. I don't see why he is so picky because believe me he is nothing to look at.(imo).
I know what I what; just have to keep looking.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Sweetbean let us know what happens with these dates. At least you are having some fun
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Go sweetbean, you are kicking butt
I haven't even bothered to look like I said, I spent all week on ME, exercising and trying to eat better and don't even sit down til 9 at night. So it's awesome and much less stressful. I wish it was easy, and I could just find someone. In my head I see me meeting someone at the store, or walking the dog or I don't know. It's just life, there's a plan for me, apparently being in a relationship right now is not for me.0 -
So do you ladies remember the guy I mentioned... We talked a few times, were supposed to meet for dinner but he had to reschedule, then said he decided not to date right now? He is a single Dad of 3 boys, just moved to the area (in December), working on getting his business up and running etc.... Well out of the blue he emails last night. He asked if I wasn't seeing someone would I still like to meet?
I'm not sure what to think. My jaded mind goes to, he must have blown me off before, for someone else and it didnt work out? But maybe it was just like he said, having just moved and getting the boys settled in school was too much and things have slowed down for him?0 -
Df...doesn't matter why you didn't hear for awhile. You said "yes" didn't you?
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Ladies, I cast a really wide net - I don't expect that these guys will work out. I can tell even before I meet them that two of them won't. But I feel like we have been talking for a while and they asked me out, so why not? I have also found that there are lots of guys who like to be online, but can't pull the trigger and go on a date - hence the wide net. I keep my e-mails light and fun - no need to get into anything serious.
The guy I am meeting tonight looks like fun, though - so I'm looking forward to it.
DF, go out with him, but just keep this flaky episode in mind.
Paintedlady, I'm so sorry - that guy sounds nuts!
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Hmm. Went for hike in state park with F. Got to hugging and kissing. Dangerous for the heart but felt wonderful in the moment. Advice? xo
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Is he moving away lovesmyfamily? I'd be careful, you know it's going to hurt! Don't want to see you hurting all over again.
I haven't answered his email yet. I woke up and saw it and posted here.....0 -
lovesmyfamily, did he have anything to say? unless he wants to get back together and make a commitment, i'd leave him alone. I have made that mistake (of not requiring a commitment) in the past and totally regretted it.
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Take good care of your heart lovemyfamilyso much ! DF, if you feel like it go out with him. Just keep takeing care of you. Sweetbean I love your stratagy ! Paintedlady, so sorry this guy is kinda stalking you. So sorry. Take Care Ladies, Kiley
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Ok I emailed the dude... I said it was good to hear from him and that I'd still like to meet.
I didn't answer his question about if I am seeing anyone or try to pin point a date of when he'd like to meet up.0 -
DF, totally. Keep 'im guessing!!!
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I went on some of the dating sites about 6 months after my husband died. Had one date from Match and a couple from POF. Two of the ones from POF I thought might work out but they didn't. This was before my BC DX and DMX.
The latest guy friend is from Christian Mingle. We hit it off pretty well and have been seeing each other since October. He knows about the BC but there has been no sex so far as we are taking it very slow. I have had my exchange surgery which I'm not thrilled with but I don't have nips or areolas. With this guy I don't think I would feel weird but the thing that I worry about is my life expectancy. I had a guy contact me on Christian Mingle who was a widower due to his wife dying of cancer. I'm sure as hell not going to get involved in a situation like that and I'm pretty positive he wouldn't want to go through it again.
I feel like I have an expiration date more so than I feel slightly deformed. Like "why would anybody want to get involved with a 57 year old woman who had/has breast cancer and could have a short life span"?
A nice looking man started chatting with me on POF recently and when we actually talked he kept asking me if "at my age I was still interested in sex"? WTF don't you save that conversation for later on? I can just imagine what would have happened if I told him about my DMX.
I don't feel like I have much to offer a man at this time in my life. I really have no sexual desire and don't know if that would change if I was actually having sex. I feel defective and while I don't think about the cancer 24/7 it is on my mind when I think about trying for a relationship.
Okay I'm rambling, maybe it's the dreary weather today. Feel a little down in the dumps.
Denise
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