OMG They Found the Cure for Stupid
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Chicken cruising...
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Ooooooohhh my aching sides!
Yikes - CG is drunk, and he's got a hostage!!!
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I need this mug!!
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Oh, Yeah?
Define well-adjusted!
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That's not the CG. That's Waldo. OMG!!!!!!!!!! Is WALDO the CG??
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Lowrider, could this have been what the blips were when you were at NASA? 0 -
Well here goes...
Due to the amazing amount of research done by our members on "the cure" I have had to revamp the whole recipe so as to leave nothing out. As we all know everything we read on the internet is of course true and all recommnedations for a cure must be accepted as totally scientific no matter how lame..er...unsupported they are. If you read it in an email...it must be true. If Aunt Martha's neighbour was "cured" it must work, even though she only suffered from eczema. If the test subjects in a cancer study didn't even have breast cancer and it cured them..it must fact. If it's a product promoted by a herbal remedy company, it must work. If the results are based on a random sampling of goats, it must be true. If the media reports on it..even if it was found to CAUSE breast cancer 5 years ago, it must be true. If a group of 5 test subjects showed a .569 % positive response to the remedy, it has to be a cure.
So may I now present to you..
"The Cure For Breast Cancer" A Two Day PlanDay 1
It is important to mentally,physically and spiritually prepare for your treatment plan. You will also have to prepare your "ingredients" for Day 2.Step 1.Mind Preparation..
You must attune your mind to a state of LOVE, PEACE, HOPE and POSITIVITY. Light some sage in a smudge pot .Don your princess tiara over your chicken feather headdress. Assume the Elephant Garlic Yoga Position and hum " All You Need is Love" by the Beatles. Palms held upwards and outwards, balance a whole 20 lb. chicken in each hand. Make a wish. When your arms begin to cramp move on to step 2..Step 2. Physical Preparation..
Fasting bloodwork: ask the lab technician if your blood is wet enough for testing. If not, drink a glass of beer bigger than your head and return to the lab.
Fire up your bark mulcher and begin mulching your black bark in the garden. Cluck as loud as you can and lean hard into the mulcher because the vibrations will shake the cancer loose and your enema tomorrow will be much more effective. After the mulching is complete, gather 2 KFC buckets full of mulch for Day 2. At this point, while still clucking, chicken dance your way to the kitchen to begin your cleanse diet.By 10 am you must eat 1lb each of blueberries, raw asparagus, lemons and a clove of rested garlic. Due to problems with a new rest- resistant strain of garlic it is suggested you clobber your garlic with a recliner chair or other heavy object to induce a coma. Note: If you are in the EST zone wait until 10:08 to allow for time differences.
By 2 am you should be feeling quite unwell. After purging yourself of your 10 am "snack" prepare a bowl of oatmeal with sugarless blueberry syrup and a tsp. of emu oil.
At 6 pm melt 20 Easter Marshmellow Peeps, assorted colours, into a saucepan and add 3 cups of bark mulch. Add Broccobama broccoli to taste. Enjoy.
At bedtime: Prepare an infusion of shark's cartilage, hen's teeth, bacon bits or kosher or vegetarian substitutes. Pour yourself a hot cup of the brew and soak in a hot tub of Mystery Mud until ready to sleep.
This should prepare you for Day 2. Rest well.
Day 2
Gather the following:
2 Enema bags, pink
1 pair of hip waders, camo pink
Starbutts Coffee Enema Ready Mix ( Dry Roasted Coarse Grind)
2 buckets Black Bark Mulch
1 iron Cauldron
1 large wooden spoon
92 rolls Super Absorbant Bounty
4 joints medicinal asparagus/pot
1 roll duct tape
1 roll tinfoil
1 highspeed blender
1 jar of Mystery Mud ( can be special ordered from remote village in Bangladesh)
1 cured bacon bra ( turkey, vegetarian, soy and "unknown meat by-products" also available in the style of your choice ( from Meece's Cure-ture and Bacon Gallery)
6 Super HOT habanero peppers, mashed
CB radio antenna
Magic Wand
Magician's Hat
Rabbit's Foot
Alcohol of your choiceCleanse Diet Day 2: Bark Mulch Brownies ( consume every 2 hours)
2 cups cocoa
2 cups bark mulch
1 egg
1/2 cup " Charlie Sheen Brand" Bacon Grease
Bake 350 for 30 minutes.Important: Make sure all your teeth with root canals have been extracted prior to treatment as root canals cause cancer. If this has not been done obtain large pliers and remove teeth prior to proceeding.
Recipe for Cure ( External and Internal Application)
4 cups pureed asparagus green or white ( picked by the light of the moon)
45 cloves rested or comatose elephant garlic
17 chickens, do not remove their nuggets, must be organic, pre-soak in peroxide spa bath for 2 days
Eye of Newt
1 bottle turtle wax
2 Beggin' Strips
1 wishbone
1 cup shark cartilage
1 cup sour soup
1/4 cup chocolate sprinkles
1 pancake
1 bottle Canadian Maple Syrup
6 burnt chicken feathers
1 shoe of a naysayer
2 fermented road apples
I can tuna
twist of lemon
1 lucky rabbit's foot
1 gallon water, blend in blender until frothyNote: If you suffer from erectile dysfunction add 1 ripe banana
Simmer the above for 10 days 3 minutes in iron cauldron until the consistency of jelly. Chant " Cluck For the Cure" 6 times backwards while flapping your arms and vibrating your legs. Wave your magic wand over contents, remove bones by straining through Magician's Hat. Stir 3 times for luck and toss a handful over your left shoulder.Set aside:
2 cup of concoction for enema
1 cups for topical application
1 cup for oral administration
1 cup for remaining body orifices ( to cover all the bases)Cool to body temperature..
Instructions:
1.Don your chicken headdress, tiara and bacon( or bacon substitute) bra DURING A HOTFLASH to optimize crispiness and establish proper fit. May add matching shoes and panties.
2. Coat your body generously with mashed habenero peppers. Keep fire extinguisher handy.
3. Roll in vat of special MUD until well coated and your chicken feathers stiffen.
4.Fashion tin foil hat and afix to head over chicken feathers and tiara.
5.Don hip waders and duct tape CB antenna to forehead. Extend to full length.
6. WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE , HOPE, and WISHFUL THINKING lovingly administer pureed asparagus enema while standing on left foot and left eye crossed. Hold and repeat " I am cured" 3 times. Expel and then follow with Starbutts Coffee Enema. (Hold the cream and sugar) Do NOT expel. This may be difficult as you must now do the Chicken Dance for 10 minutes.Just HOLD and BREATH. You can do it.
7.Apply topical mixture while pointing north by southwest. Prepare the oral portion and drink from a unicorn's horn. Roll dice until you get a pair of deuces. Follow with a shot glass of MUD. Light sage and insert remaining mixture into all other body orifices with pastry knife..
After 14 days, expel the enema and then shower ( with the Cure Guy fron NM if possible). Towel off with Bounty and then insert 10 rolls in your pants. Light a candle and send 'the cure" to 700 of your closest friends within 7 seconds.Be prepared to recieve them back from all your friends.After you have cleaned up, bring your "Puff For the Cure" joints to our Hen House to celebrate your cure. Go to the backfront door, cluck the secret password to get past security and enter tailfeathers first.
Join the girls in the "spa" and enjoy the great company!
Congratulations, you are now cured.
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I am cured of roasting whole chickens now. I am so grateful for this, my God, I have spent thousands of dollars trying to rid myself of "Roast Chicken Addiction."
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and wow Emily Ontario.. you put a lot of effort into your post.
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I LOVE THIS!!!! You ladies are the best!!!!!!
And Apple, I love your new festively decorated apple avatar! Oh duh, it's a chicken apple. Little slow on the update here. I'll start grinding the coffee beans...
Puff, pass and cluck
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Apple: I couldn't resist posting this!
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Emily: That just made me hungry! Yikes!
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And what was in your last chemo? This ought to bring the naysayers out of allsorts of places. GOOD JOB EMILY.
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It was tough, but I think that I found the perfect unicorn horn for the oral portion of the cure.
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SHE so glad you joined us. wrong hemisphere though.Take it easy if it starts rocking and rolling
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thenewme!
YES!! that's me!! where did you find me??? lol
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emily, great recipe, i think you got it all in there
love the peep poledance. i think i got that as an email last year!
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mindovermatter, that is awesome! did you find that on the web or is that pic from a store?
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This is what I posted to my friend on FB about the silly fruit postings:
"Exactly, how does -confusing the guys- help to fight Breast Cancer?
Here are some things that help:
Get some sunlight - Vitamin D
Remember to do self-exams, AND see your doctor if you notice anything different. Early detection is very important.
If you are over 40 get a mammogram yearly.
If you have a fever each day at the same time of day, see your doctor as soon as possible. Sometimes, when a tumor is growing, your body will try to fight it, and you will get a fever. This seems to happen in advanced disease, and is not usually something a doctor will ask you about.I would encourage you to stop trying to confuse the guys and do something REAL to fight Breast Cancer.
If you want to play silly games, then just say, "We have no respect for guys; you all know that they are easily confused. Let's play a games, Let's see if we can get them guessing what we are up to, because you all know that girls are always up to something." (total sarcastic tone intended)
I don't really care if you post a fruit or a color, but please call it what it is, don't mask it in some noble cause."
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*applause* to barbara!!!!
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hdangelbaby, I found it on the web. 0
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At first I wasn't sure if that was a peeps bra or a fuzzy leom one.
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